I want pankakes.

Dear Translators,
I had known this girl "Sarah" for about 5 years. She was married when we met, so we were only friends but I always had a huge crush on her. We lost touch, she got divorced and was in another relationship when we reconnected. I professed my feelings for her and was surprised to find that she had always felt the same way for me. She complained about her current relationship and told me that she was not in love with the guy, that their sex life was terrible and that she was looking for a way out. The problem was that it was inconvenient for her to break up with him because of her school/ rent/ childcare situation. We had an affair, and concocted elaborate plans to meet any time we could. Eventually we had a falling out but remained friends, until yesterday when she told me she was getting married to her boyfriend. I told her how foolish it was and how unhappy she is going to be, but she says I'm just being jealous and that I should be happy for her. So I need you guys to back me up. Terrible idea, right?


                          , W.H.                


I suggest you wait until the next rainy day and stand outside her window with a boom box over your head. But don't play Peter Gabriel, play "Sarah Smiles" by Hall and Oates or "Sara" by Starship. Or, you can wait until her wedding day and be the guy that speaks up when they say "If anyone thinks that these two are a trainwreck waiting to happen, speak now or bla bla bla".
   You're absolutely right. She is going to be miserable, and make that poor guy miserable and did you say ther was a kid involved? That kid is going to be miserable and go on to make another generation of miserable people all because "Sarah" is too fucking insecure to wait a year or two until she finds a fucking healthy situation. Someone may splatter their brains all over a wall because of her bad decisions. I mean, people get a tad sensitive when you tell them that you will love them and you got their back forever and ever even when they go in to a coma and are just a shit and piss factory. I mean, you're supposed to wipe that guy's ass one day that you can't stand to be in the same room with 3 months in to the relationship. Agreeing to marry someone is allowing them to rest all their hope and dreams on your little indecisive, wishy washy, philandering ass. Someone just might stick a pistol in his mouth. If they do I hope they remember the 35 degree angle. the only way to really get the job did. I'm drunk, you see. Fucking shithammered. And I live like a manchild. There's bowls of crusted over god knows what growing penicillen richt next to my ancienct computer moniter, dog hair all over my bed and my room smells like the bog of eternal stench from labryinth. bit you know what? I don't have to listen to anyone's goddamn problems. I dont have to hear anyone talk about their feelings:. So you better thank your lucky stars that that nuthouse didnt decide to try and get knocked up by you and drive her life over a cliff and take you with her because theres plenty of motherfuckers that tha wheat t5heyre gonna do.You heard her. "inconvieniet to break up because of rent/childcare/whatever the fuck you said? she was using some poor sap for his money, and then fuckin you at the same time? fuck you both. that poor sap is going to work everyday thinkin he's got some shit and then kissing the lips that suck your dick.Actually she was sucking both of your dicks and kissing you both so you sucked eachother's dicks. and you can build 5 bridges and that don't make you a bridge builder, but if you suck one cock you're a cocksucker for life. All you troglodites deserve each other. You all dip your naughty parts in a petri dish made of aids and dead butthole hamsters and then try to give it to me. Yeah well I have an aids proof cock. I dip my shit in grey goose when I git done fuckin and it fels so right. No aids. I don't have to go down to the clinic and spread my ass cheeks for the lady so that she4 can look for ass herpes. No way.  That's it.You should be happy for her. I'm always happy when other people prove themselves to be stupider than me, thus proving my superiority. I'm happy when I narrowly escape a 110 lb flesh bullet designed to suck all the life and freedom out of my soul and turn me in to one of those hapless, balding subhumans ordering a "moons over my hammy" at Denny's with three filthy, screaming kids in the booth. Oh yeah. She has a kid? And you're complaining that you got spared a lifetime of raising someone elses bastard booger eating short bus window licker? Just be happy that you got to hit it and now some shmo is gonna take care of it. And move on. you dont have to tell taht retard that its all gonna go bad. Sher'll find out soon enough. Maybe just being average is all that she could hope to amount to.I wish everyone in average america would 35 degree it. We need to clear out all the average people, like your special boo there. I want pancakes. I'm out.      

It's times like this that I harken back to some advice my father gave me as a young boy. When I was in the twelve or thirteen all I wanted to do was play baseball. I loved it. I collected baseball cards, practiced pitching in the backyard any chance I could get, and followed the sport ravenously. One day while talking to my father I voiced the thought that had been growing inside me for years. "Dad" I said, "I think I want to be a professional baseball player." He looked my in the eyes with only the love that a father can have for his son and said: "What are you, a fucking idiot? Do you have any idea what the odds are on something like that working out? Slim to fucking none." Thus my reply to you is: What are you, a fucking idiot?
You see, things end as they begin in the world of relationships as in life. You were born into this world naked and you are going to end up on an undertakers table the same way one day. If a relationship begins with some scandalous shit then it will end with some scandalous shit. Lets pretend for a minute that everything went great, the two of you realized that you were soul mates, and white picket fences were achieved. The rest of your life you would be looking over your shoulder for the next you. Anytime your relationship took a turn for the worse and she would go hang out with friends you would have the thought in the back of your mind that maybe, just maybe, she isn't with friends at all. Maybe she is with some other gentleman that used to have crush on her, professed his love for her, and is currently putting all ten inches of his massive dick into your woman. You know she is capable of cheating, she did it with you.
       You see, crushes are like vintage video game systems. Sure, Super Mario Brothers is fun as shit and you get a rush of nostalgia when you realize that you remember where the warp zones are but at the end of the day the Playstation 3 that you have right now in your living room is a far superior system. The graphics are better, you don't have to do that fucking blow trick to get the games to work, and at the end of the day you have grown as a person into bigger and better games. Why trade in the current dopeness that is Fallout 3 for the fleeting nostalgic thrill of Double Dragon? Crushes are fun. You get to think someone is cute, get excited when you see them, and imagine what life would be like if you were together but every bit of that is in your head. None of it is real. The reality is this woman is in a realtionship, has a bad sex life, and is coming to you for whatever reason. Does it stand to reason that the problems she currently has will transfer directly over to you? Answer: Yes.
       You must have some misguided idea that your shit does not in fact stink. What makes you so special that you can turn this woman's life around? Chances are good that you will be stuck in the same situation in six months but this time you are on the shitty end of the "I'm fucking someone else" stick. My opinion, you dodged a bullet the size of the asteroid that killed off the dinosaurs. This is a bag of crazy that you narrowly avoided like Neo in the Matrix. Cut ties now and forever. And the next time you wind up in a situation where some married broad is in to you think twice. Do you really want a woman who will fuck some one behind a partners back? Crushes are fun but they have a place: high school and in your fucking head. Let's leave them where they belong. 

Hating the Game

Dear Love Translators,
   As soon as me and my girlfriend broke up, girls have been all over me. The problem is that it's all girls that I am not attracted to in the least bit. Why is that? Why do the good ones seem to ignore me?


You know, I left your stupid question sitting in my inbox for too long becuse it is submoronic and not worth the time I'm taking to answer it. But, the questions have been slim lately, yet our fans have been clamoring for more ( I don't know why they just dont submit questions themselves). So here I am answering a question for some kid who's probably 15 and doesn't know his dick from his thumb. Why don't you ask me why they sky is blue? Or why Michael Bay gets to keep making movies? Here's your answer, but then I'd like you to answer me why your mom didn't go through with the abortion and does she regret it now?
    It is odd that girls have been all over you since you got single. Usually girls will be all over you when you have a girlfriend and as soon as you get single they scatter. Girls have a sense when someone is spoken for and it turns them on. I don't know how many of my past girlfriend's friends have tried to fuck me. Girls are catty like that. I think it's a power thing.
   The reason why the good girls ignore you is that you probably look at them with that wide eyed look of desperation that seems to be kryptonite for vagina. Women want a challenge. You are looking at them like you want to crawl up inside them and never come out. Stop it. The reason the girls you don't like are so attracted to you is because you are indifferent to them. Nothing makes a woman wetter than indifference. They should market it as a cologne. Indifference by Ralph Lauren. Here's a strategy: ignore the ones you actually like and incessantly call and text the ones you don't. I think it hurts a woman's ego to be ignored and they will make it a mission to prove that they can make you notice them. I know, it's a stupid fucked up game and I don't really want to play, but you can't win if you don't play. Being successful at love means sucking it up and lowering yourself to the level of the average mouthbreathing retard out there. Having an honest-to-god-I-like-you-you-like-me-let's-fuck-and-I'll-make-you-a-mixtape relationship is too advanced for most of these apes out here. Unfortunately you have to get all reverse psychological on people unless you want to fuck women that look like the old lady from the Goonies.


First off, I don't get what you are complaining about. If you just got single then what does it matter what these broads look like? Everyone knows there is a time honored tradition and routine that every man must go through when getting out of a relationship. Step one: Breakup. Step two: fuck everything with in a 25 mile radius of you in a drunken rampage that you will eventually regret and then even more eventually look back on fondly. Step Three: get tired of dumpster pussy and make a move towards something more concrete. Step Four: get pissed at the first decent lady that hangs out with you because you are still in drunken rampage mode and maybe every date doesn't need to be "get hammered and drunkfuck until you pass out." Step Five: Buy a Mazda Miata. They are pretty rad and nothing screams "put my balls in your mouth" more than a tiny ass, underpowered, fiberglass sports car. Step Six: Crash said Miata into a concrete bridge support on the interstate after you got loaded at a Fudruckers on Coors Light and some purple shooters while you were drunk dialing the Scarface lookin' bitch that you nailed immediately after your last relationship ended. Step Seven: Brief stint in jail followed by complete and total destruction of everything you built in your life to this point. Step Eight: Convert to Christianity in the hopes that being "born again" will look good on a resume. "Yes sir, I spent some time in prison but that was before I let Jesus into my heart." While some people are fooled on the inside you are still the pathetic fuck that you always were. Step Nine: Get fired after your religious facade is exposed for the garbage it is and start cooking crystal meth in the back of a U-Haul. Step Ten: By a new hat. Step Eleven: Start banging meth chicks. Sure they are skeletal and icky but they are always down to blow you and you already have the meth anyway so win-win. Step twelve: Find your meth soulmate and spend the remaining three years of your life smoking, swallowing your teeth, and fighting of the hordes of invisible  fire ants that will eventually drive you to suicide.
        I guess girls ignore you because you don't __________ or you have not ____________. Put what ever dumb excuse you want in the blanks. If you want a girl to notice you just walk up to here in the grocery store with your dick out and cram it into her eye socket. Some people may call that assault but I fucking promise that she will notice you. After a relationship can be a hard time. You want to show that useless bitch that ruined your life that you can bang hotter chicks than her but instead of doing just that you email us for advice. So how about this: make a woman notice you. Buy a guitar and start a band. Doesn't matter if you are good or not. Actually, the shittier you are the more likely it is that you will get laid. Hell, throw some herpes on top of your shitty band and you can't lose. It works for every touring musician I've ever met. The combination of shitty music and VD is like a bug light to any woman with three rum and cokes in her.
       In case you were wondering the post relationship steps for girls are as follows. Step One: lose weight and actually start looking good. You got complacent in your relationship but now you are back in reality and no one wants to take senorita fluffy gut home. I know people say "fat girls try harder" but that is bullshit. Crazy girls try harder, fat girls eat. Step two: Shave your junk. Just do it. Step Three: Go to any establishment and get on the horse. Now you are allowed 3-5 flings or multiple week "relationships" before you need to stop fucking. After 5 you become a slut. Step Four: who gives a shit. If you are lucky you caught her on step three and now it's time to get the fuck out. Let some other dick be the guy that dates the girl everyone has fucked.
        At any rate I don't care about your problems any more than I care about a tick on a hippos ballsack in the darkest jungles of the Congo. So if this helps you or not has absolutely no baring on my life what so ever. In fact, I alreafy forgot your question. Something about foot fetishes I think. Fuck it, dinners ready. Peace out bitches.