boob job?

Dear Love Translators,
   Would my boyfriend be more in to me if I got a boob job?

Let me use a metaphor that you, as a woman can easily understand. Cupcake popularity is at an all time high. There are specific businesses that only make cupcakes, and 99.9 fucking percent of their clientele are woman. Why is this? Because women just want to gorge themselves with sugary bullshit. It's the same with frozen yogurt. Yolo is fucking booming at all hours of the day. I recommend that any single men out there go to Yolo this Friday night instead of a bar. And maybe, if you actually go inside instead of masturbating from across the street and looking through binoculars, you might meet an honest to god woman because the place is fucking teeming with them. Just a shoveling that cool, sugary, chocolate sprinkle topped bullshit into their gaping maws and cackling to their annoying friends about feelings and did you see what that bitch is wearing? I never understood the fascination with dessert. I am a man and I only eat things that make me a more efficient machine to kill things and make fuck on you. But i digress....back to cupcakes.
   You are throwing a party and your best friend is coming. Your best friend shows up and they brought delicious cupcakes. Does that make you love your best friend more? No, you both like cupcakes and you both enjoy eating them together but the quality of your relationship should not hinge on them. You may enjoy the fact that your friend is so thoughtful and that they know you so well to know that you love cupcakes, but you should love your best friend for their inherent qualities, not for physical reasons or because of things they do. A real, honest, healthy relationship should be based on more than tits or cupcakes.
   Maybe your man is like me. I enjoy boobs, but they are not a deal breaker. I'm more of an ass man. Ooh and vagina. I love vaginae. but some dudes are way in to boobs and that's fine too. Those preferences are rooted in a survival instinct and a subconscious desire to procreate. He thinks he just loves to motor boat, but really it's his body screaming at him to put a baby all up in you.
   You know your boyfriend better than i do. I recommend testing him. Sit him down on the couch and ask him if he'd like you better if you had bigger boobs. If he says "no, baby I love you just like you are. I think you're fine as shit. Let me make sweet love to you now" then borrow 3 thousand dollars from him the next day and surprise him with a nice new pair of bajobbilies because he is a fucking keeper. If he says: "yes", then fuck his best friend and make a video of it and send it to his mom right before you burn all of his shit on the front lawn. Then get in to Wicca and wear a pentagram around your neck and when people ask you about it say "no, it's a pinnacle" because that's fucking stupid.
   While we're on the subject, why do women always refer to their breasts as "boobs". That is the least sexy word ever and it reminds me of a 3 stooges episode or something. Could y'all please agree on something sexier to call them? like "jokers" or "knockers". If everyone could please agree to make things a little more sexy, then everyone will benefit. We will stop asking you to pop our back zits, we will buy more sexy underwear and we will cover ourselves in glitter and start playing "twilight sexy date rape" like you ask us to all the time if you will start saying things like "put these jokers right in your mouth face".
Hope this helped!

Please excuse my partners sophomoric attempt to light a fire under my ass. I have not written in a while to my need to recover my strength from constantly carrying his ample ass through the bogs of hilarity. I have 15 minutes before I have to be at work testing lube at the, well, lube factory I guess, so set your timer. Thus begins the clinic. 
      This morning in the shower while washing my increasingly ample ballsack I heard a song on the radio. It was "Where have all the average people gone" by Roger Miller. Now, I use the term ample to describe my scrotum because it was not too long ago that it was pert and perky and just hung out right there by my taint and asshole. Now, depending on the weather, it can be upwards of ten inches away from my body proper and (newsflash), I could care less. 
     I am 5'10", in my mid 30's, and have a 12 to 14 inch dick depending on how hot you are, all totally average. I say this to illustrate a point: you get old. What is a beautiful rack right now will one day with to  two bags of sand attached to your chest and that is fine, it's a part of life. Boob jobs are just another way to reinforce the fact that women, at their core nature, are just as shallow as us menfolk. You get old, your titties follow suit. Bummer, but so is life. 
      If you are with a man that wants to get a boob job then remind him that his titties aren't looking so hot these days and his balls are migrating south in the spirit of migrant tomato workers in the spring. Not to mention, fake titties are gross. They don't move. They are always at attention and staring you directly in the face. Call me crazy but that is kind of icky in my opinion. When you are drilling the shit out of your old lady because you forgot to take the dog to get her operation and now the dog has gang green so she was all pissed but then you bought her a dvd copy of "the notebook" and some flowers and made her a grilled cheese so now it's all good and the make up sex beings; you want to see those sweater puppets dance around. When they wiggle about it's an outward sign that you are owning that junk and rocking said world. Fake puppies just stare at you and say "try harder pussy, my last boyfriend made them move three inches to the left, you have a little dick." You don't want that. 
     Ladies, if your man wants you to get a tit job ask him to get a penis pump. Who couldn't use an extra six or ten inches right guys (bringing me to 22 to 24 inches of dick, which is just too much dick). Keep in mind that as you age your titties will not. You will be a haggard old bag with a labia that sweeps the floor yet your fun bags will still look the same. Then people will look at you and say "I bet that old lady used to be a whore, dude, pass the nachos (in this example you are somewhere that has nachos)." The only acceptable reason to get a boob job is if you have had them removed due to breast cancer and in that case, do what makes you feel good, you are a survivor and deserve to be as happy and big chested as science can make you. That or if you have freakishly small titties which is gross. In the past all you A cups got taken out back and beaten with a length of hose because you are a freak and deserve the punishment. In all honesty they were just happy to get the attention. 
       So, "Where have all the average people gone?" They are covered under fake titties, pills that make your dick bigger (which if I took I would have to register my cock as a threat to national security), clothing that sucks in your gut, make-up, and shame. Endless, perpetual shame. It's ok to get old. If your man loves you for you the two of you can grow old together, laugh at the shabby state of your once young, beautiful forms, and be happy that you married a man with a leviathan in his trousers. After all, old ladies like tremendously large and beautiful penises just as much as you perky titted young tramps. So don't get that tit job. Get old, get beautiful the way nature intended and remember that no matter how gross our bodies get, my dick will still be  fucking gigantic. 
       On a side note, whenever some dumb ass broad says "nice tattoos, how will they look when you are 70?" You may reply "A hell of a lot better than your titties will look." Then buy her a drink and fuck her. Ladies love dudes with tattoos. 

Desperate and Confused

I'm so in love with my girlfriend. I've done everything to treat her right. She broke up with me by saying I was "too nice" and immediately hooked up with her ex who used to cheat on her all the time and even hit her! How can I make her see that I love her so she will come back to me?,
                                                                 Desperate and confused




Holy donkey raping shit eater! What the fuck is wrong with you, son? What is wrong with all of you? You all have no self respect! I don't know whether to blame society, the media, the entertainment industry but it doesn't matter. If you have no respect for yourselves, how is anyone going to respect you? Why would you want that chick back? Let me explain this one last time for the people who haven't been paying attention.
   You are not the first man ever who has lost his woman to some piece of shit angry meathead. This has been happening since the beginning of time. There is actually an evolutionary function to women's preference for assholes. Yes, science can explain everything.
   You see, it's simply a survival instinct. Assholes have a greater rate of survival. We have really been living "civilized" for such a short percentage of our time on earth. It wasn't all that long ago that you had to worry about wolves, bears or roving gangs of marauders coming and snatching up your special boo. The women had a better chance of survival if they were snuggled up with the larger, more aggressive males of our species. Sometimes that aggression would turn on them, but there's always going to be a tradeoff, isn't there. I mean, face it. Who would you rather have guarding your house,

This guy?

or this guy?

                                 


Yeah, the pit bull might snap and take your balls off one day, but at least no one will be running off with your flat screen. So, women have developed an unconscious preference for the asshole, and they will go to war with you to try and prove that this is not true but I will bet you goddamn dollars to doughnuts that they all fantasize about that elusive, aloof jerk they dated in high school. Plus, all women like to be roughed up in the bedroom. Hair pulled, thrown around, called names, tied up. Further proof of my theory. All women like a sexy amount of shitheadedness.
But! This attraction to aggression affected something else evolutionary. You see, it was easier for the more attractive females to find a protective alpha male. All they had to do was look hot and spread their legs and these neanderthals were braining other dudes with battle axes to protect what they thought was a precious commodity (and let's face it, in the old times, someone with most of their teeth and a bajango that didn't smell like the black death was a catch!). So more attractive women did not develop intelligence to allow better survival. That's why the hotter a woman is, usually the more worthless they are. That's why I like ugly ducklings, or late bloomers. They're hot, but still in the mindset that they are ugly so they had to develop personalities and brains. We get accused of being sexist a lot, but the truth is that I would much prefer someone semi attractive with a brain in their head than some bimbo that's balls hot right now. Everyone is eventually going to get old and gross. When I am king of the universe, we will wall in the entire midwest and send all old people there to be old and gross away from me. No one wants to look at your saggy skin and liver spots. I just puked up my poached egg into my mouth a little thinking about saggy balls and old toenails. The mid west is the most worthless part of our country, so how fitting will it be to send our most worthless members of society there. That way, they can all drive like shit for each other and complain about their food being too spicy at restaurants and we don't have to listen. I will also cordon off Texas and send people with children there. People with children should not be allowed to ride on airplanes or eat at restaurants. No one wants to look at your ugly booger eater. Oh wow, I'm so proud of you. You left it in there and did something that every living thing is designed to do. You fed someone enough Zimas that they were fooled into thinking you were hot and you got laid and now you think it's your god given right to have a walking talking flesh trophy to commemorate your 6 minutes of awkward humping. congrats!
   I digress. You are a fucking moron. I can see why your ex would rather be with someone that hit her than with you fucktardedness. I'd rather smash my own face with a red hot skillet covered in fire ants while listening to Nickleback than acknowledge your existence. I bet you were the most annoying boyfriend ever. I bet you always looked at her and asked "what are you thinking about?" People who ask that question deserve to get stabbed in the face. I don't think about things in a linear manner. I have thought soup. I like to answer them truthfully with the stream of consciousness bullshit that's in my head. "Lunch, pudding, bowling, church, Bachmann Turner Overdrive, Keith Lee, Gary Indiana, That one episode of the Cosby Show that Stevie Wonder was in, Jammin on the one, cheesy rice, anal sex, utility bill". That's what I'm thinking about. Happy now? What did you want me to say? "I'm thinking about how much I love you". I'm stabbing my own face with a fork now.

         God dammit. God dammit fuck balls. Leper tits and rotten tampon blood. Is this my goddamn life? Is what I've been fucking reduced to? "I love my blahblahblahblah but blah doesn't blah me blah blah I'm going to drink a bunch of Nyquil and then blahblahblahfuckingblah." How long will it take you shit heads to realize that women like dicks. Not the throbbing fleshy kind, the asshole kind and men like women that are bad for them. (heh, throbbing) Do you think 19 million women fucked Nikki Sixx because he brought them flowers? No, they fucked him because A) he was in Motley Crue and B) because he was heroin addicted alcoholic dick. Do you think after he stuck a godzilla action figure in thirty random coozes hoo-hoos that he gave them flowers? No, he kicked them the fuck out of his dressing room and then went and rocked the fuck out of "kickstart my heart" and then stuck it in the ass of your mother. Women dig that shit. It's like moths to flame.
          Everyone knows "that guy." "That guy" gets more pussy than anyone in the universe and has fucked everything in a 500 mile radius at any given time. He most likely has shitloads of tattoos, no real plan for the future, and a motorcycle. That gets so much ass because he honestly doesn't give a fraction of a fuck about anyone and is a total dick. Women spread up for this guy because they are confused. You see, everything with a dick has been trying to fuck every woman since the first time she showed up to school in a halter top with budding little pre-tits sticking out into the wide-wide world. When women meet a guy that honestly does not care and treats them like shit it throws everything they know into disorder. It would be like you working the same job for fifty years making hubcaps or whatever shitty life you've made for yourself and you show up for your shitty job one day (should have got an education) and they expect you to make thermonuclear warheads. Women think that deep down this mysterious shithead who isn't trying to fuck me is really a wellspring of emotion and creative energy and puppies and pillows and reruns of the view when in reality he is a vagininja. He is stalking his prey with stealth and skill and just when you think you have this tough and rugged nut figured out he blows a real nut all over your face and hair. Then he high-fives you and says "thanks for the vagina" and gets the fuck out. A truly great, great man.
         In fact, I am proposing a theory right now that has been mulling around in my head for years. You truly grow up when you do not look for assholes in relationships. Men truly mature when they no longer think only of pussy and what yours smells like and women when they actually see a good man for what he is, a good man, not a weakling. Think about it fellas, do you remember the first time you dated a beautiful woman that gave you insane porno sex and you bailed out because she was a bitch? Congratulations, thats when you grew up. Ladies, remember the first time you actually appreciated a man that intrinsically wanted to stay at home with you and watch TV instead of going out to get loaded every weekend. Welcome to adulthood, feels great doesn't it. Many of you reading this are teenagers or in your early twenties and right now you are thinking "I'm an adult, I'm grown, I'm in college, I'm going to be a ________, he doesn't know what he's talking about." Well, no you aren't, fuck you, I don't care, you are going to wait tables like everyone else, and yes I fucking do. Couples in their early twenties and teens are constantly on the town or at shows on whatever you idiots do because you are not comfortable enough with your partner to just sit the fuck down and hang out. You are always looking for the next big dick that is mysterious enough to make your sorry excuse for a brain wonder "could this be the one?"
          As your problem sir, my advice is this: grow a pair, go over to this woman's house and choke the living piss out of her. Just choke the fuck out of her. Shake her ass while you are doing it. Women all love a good shakin'. If her old boyfriend shows up, knock him the fuck out, he is obviously standing in the way of your "made for TV Lifetime romance" movie of a relationship. Then have babies and raise them up to be spineless pieces of shit like yourself. Or, you could grow a pair and realize that this woman sucks, by a leather jacket and some mirror glasses, and go inflict some real fucking damage. Good hunting.

I want pankakes.

Dear Translators,
I had known this girl "Sarah" for about 5 years. She was married when we met, so we were only friends but I always had a huge crush on her. We lost touch, she got divorced and was in another relationship when we reconnected. I professed my feelings for her and was surprised to find that she had always felt the same way for me. She complained about her current relationship and told me that she was not in love with the guy, that their sex life was terrible and that she was looking for a way out. The problem was that it was inconvenient for her to break up with him because of her school/ rent/ childcare situation. We had an affair, and concocted elaborate plans to meet any time we could. Eventually we had a falling out but remained friends, until yesterday when she told me she was getting married to her boyfriend. I told her how foolish it was and how unhappy she is going to be, but she says I'm just being jealous and that I should be happy for her. So I need you guys to back me up. Terrible idea, right?


                          , W.H.                


I suggest you wait until the next rainy day and stand outside her window with a boom box over your head. But don't play Peter Gabriel, play "Sarah Smiles" by Hall and Oates or "Sara" by Starship. Or, you can wait until her wedding day and be the guy that speaks up when they say "If anyone thinks that these two are a trainwreck waiting to happen, speak now or bla bla bla".
   You're absolutely right. She is going to be miserable, and make that poor guy miserable and did you say ther was a kid involved? That kid is going to be miserable and go on to make another generation of miserable people all because "Sarah" is too fucking insecure to wait a year or two until she finds a fucking healthy situation. Someone may splatter their brains all over a wall because of her bad decisions. I mean, people get a tad sensitive when you tell them that you will love them and you got their back forever and ever even when they go in to a coma and are just a shit and piss factory. I mean, you're supposed to wipe that guy's ass one day that you can't stand to be in the same room with 3 months in to the relationship. Agreeing to marry someone is allowing them to rest all their hope and dreams on your little indecisive, wishy washy, philandering ass. Someone just might stick a pistol in his mouth. If they do I hope they remember the 35 degree angle. the only way to really get the job did. I'm drunk, you see. Fucking shithammered. And I live like a manchild. There's bowls of crusted over god knows what growing penicillen richt next to my ancienct computer moniter, dog hair all over my bed and my room smells like the bog of eternal stench from labryinth. bit you know what? I don't have to listen to anyone's goddamn problems. I dont have to hear anyone talk about their feelings:. So you better thank your lucky stars that that nuthouse didnt decide to try and get knocked up by you and drive her life over a cliff and take you with her because theres plenty of motherfuckers that tha wheat t5heyre gonna do.You heard her. "inconvieniet to break up because of rent/childcare/whatever the fuck you said? she was using some poor sap for his money, and then fuckin you at the same time? fuck you both. that poor sap is going to work everyday thinkin he's got some shit and then kissing the lips that suck your dick.Actually she was sucking both of your dicks and kissing you both so you sucked eachother's dicks. and you can build 5 bridges and that don't make you a bridge builder, but if you suck one cock you're a cocksucker for life. All you troglodites deserve each other. You all dip your naughty parts in a petri dish made of aids and dead butthole hamsters and then try to give it to me. Yeah well I have an aids proof cock. I dip my shit in grey goose when I git done fuckin and it fels so right. No aids. I don't have to go down to the clinic and spread my ass cheeks for the lady so that she4 can look for ass herpes. No way.  That's it.You should be happy for her. I'm always happy when other people prove themselves to be stupider than me, thus proving my superiority. I'm happy when I narrowly escape a 110 lb flesh bullet designed to suck all the life and freedom out of my soul and turn me in to one of those hapless, balding subhumans ordering a "moons over my hammy" at Denny's with three filthy, screaming kids in the booth. Oh yeah. She has a kid? And you're complaining that you got spared a lifetime of raising someone elses bastard booger eating short bus window licker? Just be happy that you got to hit it and now some shmo is gonna take care of it. And move on. you dont have to tell taht retard that its all gonna go bad. Sher'll find out soon enough. Maybe just being average is all that she could hope to amount to.I wish everyone in average america would 35 degree it. We need to clear out all the average people, like your special boo there. I want pancakes. I'm out.      

It's times like this that I harken back to some advice my father gave me as a young boy. When I was in the twelve or thirteen all I wanted to do was play baseball. I loved it. I collected baseball cards, practiced pitching in the backyard any chance I could get, and followed the sport ravenously. One day while talking to my father I voiced the thought that had been growing inside me for years. "Dad" I said, "I think I want to be a professional baseball player." He looked my in the eyes with only the love that a father can have for his son and said: "What are you, a fucking idiot? Do you have any idea what the odds are on something like that working out? Slim to fucking none." Thus my reply to you is: What are you, a fucking idiot?
You see, things end as they begin in the world of relationships as in life. You were born into this world naked and you are going to end up on an undertakers table the same way one day. If a relationship begins with some scandalous shit then it will end with some scandalous shit. Lets pretend for a minute that everything went great, the two of you realized that you were soul mates, and white picket fences were achieved. The rest of your life you would be looking over your shoulder for the next you. Anytime your relationship took a turn for the worse and she would go hang out with friends you would have the thought in the back of your mind that maybe, just maybe, she isn't with friends at all. Maybe she is with some other gentleman that used to have crush on her, professed his love for her, and is currently putting all ten inches of his massive dick into your woman. You know she is capable of cheating, she did it with you.
       You see, crushes are like vintage video game systems. Sure, Super Mario Brothers is fun as shit and you get a rush of nostalgia when you realize that you remember where the warp zones are but at the end of the day the Playstation 3 that you have right now in your living room is a far superior system. The graphics are better, you don't have to do that fucking blow trick to get the games to work, and at the end of the day you have grown as a person into bigger and better games. Why trade in the current dopeness that is Fallout 3 for the fleeting nostalgic thrill of Double Dragon? Crushes are fun. You get to think someone is cute, get excited when you see them, and imagine what life would be like if you were together but every bit of that is in your head. None of it is real. The reality is this woman is in a realtionship, has a bad sex life, and is coming to you for whatever reason. Does it stand to reason that the problems she currently has will transfer directly over to you? Answer: Yes.
       You must have some misguided idea that your shit does not in fact stink. What makes you so special that you can turn this woman's life around? Chances are good that you will be stuck in the same situation in six months but this time you are on the shitty end of the "I'm fucking someone else" stick. My opinion, you dodged a bullet the size of the asteroid that killed off the dinosaurs. This is a bag of crazy that you narrowly avoided like Neo in the Matrix. Cut ties now and forever. And the next time you wind up in a situation where some married broad is in to you think twice. Do you really want a woman who will fuck some one behind a partners back? Crushes are fun but they have a place: high school and in your fucking head. Let's leave them where they belong. 

Hating the Game

Dear Love Translators,
   As soon as me and my girlfriend broke up, girls have been all over me. The problem is that it's all girls that I am not attracted to in the least bit. Why is that? Why do the good ones seem to ignore me?


You know, I left your stupid question sitting in my inbox for too long becuse it is submoronic and not worth the time I'm taking to answer it. But, the questions have been slim lately, yet our fans have been clamoring for more ( I don't know why they just dont submit questions themselves). So here I am answering a question for some kid who's probably 15 and doesn't know his dick from his thumb. Why don't you ask me why they sky is blue? Or why Michael Bay gets to keep making movies? Here's your answer, but then I'd like you to answer me why your mom didn't go through with the abortion and does she regret it now?
    It is odd that girls have been all over you since you got single. Usually girls will be all over you when you have a girlfriend and as soon as you get single they scatter. Girls have a sense when someone is spoken for and it turns them on. I don't know how many of my past girlfriend's friends have tried to fuck me. Girls are catty like that. I think it's a power thing.
   The reason why the good girls ignore you is that you probably look at them with that wide eyed look of desperation that seems to be kryptonite for vagina. Women want a challenge. You are looking at them like you want to crawl up inside them and never come out. Stop it. The reason the girls you don't like are so attracted to you is because you are indifferent to them. Nothing makes a woman wetter than indifference. They should market it as a cologne. Indifference by Ralph Lauren. Here's a strategy: ignore the ones you actually like and incessantly call and text the ones you don't. I think it hurts a woman's ego to be ignored and they will make it a mission to prove that they can make you notice them. I know, it's a stupid fucked up game and I don't really want to play, but you can't win if you don't play. Being successful at love means sucking it up and lowering yourself to the level of the average mouthbreathing retard out there. Having an honest-to-god-I-like-you-you-like-me-let's-fuck-and-I'll-make-you-a-mixtape relationship is too advanced for most of these apes out here. Unfortunately you have to get all reverse psychological on people unless you want to fuck women that look like the old lady from the Goonies.


First off, I don't get what you are complaining about. If you just got single then what does it matter what these broads look like? Everyone knows there is a time honored tradition and routine that every man must go through when getting out of a relationship. Step one: Breakup. Step two: fuck everything with in a 25 mile radius of you in a drunken rampage that you will eventually regret and then even more eventually look back on fondly. Step Three: get tired of dumpster pussy and make a move towards something more concrete. Step Four: get pissed at the first decent lady that hangs out with you because you are still in drunken rampage mode and maybe every date doesn't need to be "get hammered and drunkfuck until you pass out." Step Five: Buy a Mazda Miata. They are pretty rad and nothing screams "put my balls in your mouth" more than a tiny ass, underpowered, fiberglass sports car. Step Six: Crash said Miata into a concrete bridge support on the interstate after you got loaded at a Fudruckers on Coors Light and some purple shooters while you were drunk dialing the Scarface lookin' bitch that you nailed immediately after your last relationship ended. Step Seven: Brief stint in jail followed by complete and total destruction of everything you built in your life to this point. Step Eight: Convert to Christianity in the hopes that being "born again" will look good on a resume. "Yes sir, I spent some time in prison but that was before I let Jesus into my heart." While some people are fooled on the inside you are still the pathetic fuck that you always were. Step Nine: Get fired after your religious facade is exposed for the garbage it is and start cooking crystal meth in the back of a U-Haul. Step Ten: By a new hat. Step Eleven: Start banging meth chicks. Sure they are skeletal and icky but they are always down to blow you and you already have the meth anyway so win-win. Step twelve: Find your meth soulmate and spend the remaining three years of your life smoking, swallowing your teeth, and fighting of the hordes of invisible  fire ants that will eventually drive you to suicide.
        I guess girls ignore you because you don't __________ or you have not ____________. Put what ever dumb excuse you want in the blanks. If you want a girl to notice you just walk up to here in the grocery store with your dick out and cram it into her eye socket. Some people may call that assault but I fucking promise that she will notice you. After a relationship can be a hard time. You want to show that useless bitch that ruined your life that you can bang hotter chicks than her but instead of doing just that you email us for advice. So how about this: make a woman notice you. Buy a guitar and start a band. Doesn't matter if you are good or not. Actually, the shittier you are the more likely it is that you will get laid. Hell, throw some herpes on top of your shitty band and you can't lose. It works for every touring musician I've ever met. The combination of shitty music and VD is like a bug light to any woman with three rum and cokes in her.
       In case you were wondering the post relationship steps for girls are as follows. Step One: lose weight and actually start looking good. You got complacent in your relationship but now you are back in reality and no one wants to take senorita fluffy gut home. I know people say "fat girls try harder" but that is bullshit. Crazy girls try harder, fat girls eat. Step two: Shave your junk. Just do it. Step Three: Go to any establishment and get on the horse. Now you are allowed 3-5 flings or multiple week "relationships" before you need to stop fucking. After 5 you become a slut. Step Four: who gives a shit. If you are lucky you caught her on step three and now it's time to get the fuck out. Let some other dick be the guy that dates the girl everyone has fucked.
        At any rate I don't care about your problems any more than I care about a tick on a hippos ballsack in the darkest jungles of the Congo. So if this helps you or not has absolutely no baring on my life what so ever. In fact, I alreafy forgot your question. Something about foot fetishes I think. Fuck it, dinners ready. Peace out bitches.

Cheaters

Dear Love Translators,
   My husband cheated on me in the past, but after a rough and rocky road we managed to keep it together and have been happy for the last few years. Now my friends are calling me saying they are hearing rumors that he's up to his old tricks again. I'm thinking about hiring a private detective so I can really nail his ass to the wall. What do you think?,


                                                                                   Anonymous


Dear A. Nonymous,

   You wanna know how many times someone would get the opportunity to cheat on me? Once. The first time was his fault. After that, it's all your fault. You know what it means when people cheat on you? It means they want to fuck other people! No sorry ass excuse will do: "I was subconsciously trying to sabotage our relationship because I was afraid of loving you to much and getting hurt" or "I just felt like we had a deep connection, like we had known each other in a past life" or " I didn't realize how much I loved you until I thought about losing you". People will say the most retarded garbage to dig themselves out of a hole, wont they? The honest truth would go like this. "I'm kinda tired of fucking you, so I fucked this other person and it wasn't as rad as I thought it would be, and you cook a pretty sweet meatloaf, so I figured I'd keep fucking you until something better comes along". But no one will ever be that honest. They don't think you can take it, and you probably can't. You know why I wouldn't take someone back after they fucked someone else? because I have self esteem. Because I don't want to stick my dick in a petri dish. Because being single is rad and I hate drama. But i will surmise that you love drama. I bet that's part of the appeal of your husband is that you're never really sure if you have him or not. If you did not love drama, you would just quietly pack your shit in the night, forget about hiring Magnum P.I. and just leave. Find someone who will not be out banging every slut in town. But I'm willing to bet that a nice guy that is respectful is not really your speed. Well, you're not so different than a lot of people. People are gluttons for punishment. If you don't trust someone enough that you would even suspect they are cheating, to me that's a reason to get the fuck on down. But then again, I look for any and every reason to bail on any relationship, but that's just me. I always fucking HOPE that someone cheats on me. I get a free pass, and you are an asshole. goodbye. Now I don't have to expend energy being nice to you and "listening" to you "talk" and stuff. How the fuck were you happy after he cheated? Did you ever suck his dick after that? Because if so you got filth all in your mouth. Listerine does not kill sin. Maybe he put it in that other girl's butt and you got doo doo molecules all up in your mouth face. well, you deserve it for being an insecure moron. Either leave him or shut the fuck up. I guess getting cheated on allows you to play the victim card, huh? There's a lot of power in being a victim. I can tell you're a retard because you're "married" anyways. Marriage is for people who are amused by shiny objects. It's for people who watch romantic comedies. It's for people who still believe in Santa Claus, patriotism and that there's a magical guy in the sky that loves you and after you die you get to live an eternity of radness where everything is awesome forever and ever. You know, morons.

        Let me start by saying that I support the institution of marriage. At the end of the day my partner and I talk a lot of shit about vaginas and what not but we still don't call ourselves the "pussy translators" though the description would, in fact, be apt. Everyone is looking for love. Regardless of the fact that you may be constantly patrolling the scene looking for a disease free stank hole to put your junk in everyone is searching for that special someone. However, marriage is not for everyone. It is tough. People are not readily able to deal with another person's shit day in and day out so it is not a leap that one should take lightly. I am of the opinion that you should not get married until you are between 30 and 40. After forty you run the risk of being the jacked up loser at a bar on a Tuesday and before thirty you have no fucking clue who you are and what you want out of life. Keep on the safe side, fuck as many people as you can while you are in your teens and twenties and then settle down while you are still attractive enough to get a winner but old enough to not have your head in your ass. I truly worry about many of my friends that one day I will be a father with a job and a life and the majority of these idiots I know will still be talking about the fucking P&H prom and how their band is right on the cusp of making it. You see, nothing clears your head like a little dose of "hindsight is 20-20" and you don't want to be the pathetic old fuck with nothing to show for your life except "I fucked 74 women and now no one gives a fuck and I make my own chicken noodle soup when I have a sinous infection." Sad.
           Enough with the serious "love is ok" bullshit and on to the "septic garbage twat" portion of the blog, that's what you dipshits are here for anyway. Cheating is stupid and wrong. I only consider it cheating when you are emotionally involved with some one so we will be using that as a baseline for comparison. If some dude you banged twice suddenly up and fucks your track coach then tough shit. When some one trusts you enough to say "listen, my delicates are your delicates. you are the only person that gets to play with them, shove your face in them and go "AAAAAAAHHHHHH" while shaking your head around, and don a strap on and pound the peanuts out of this here snickers" it is a serious and real thing. To cheat on some one is to say "your genitals are sub-par at best, in fact I find them rancid." That is shitty. I want you ask yourself a question and this is the one and only thing you need to think about before you cheat if you are tempted: "If your significant other cheated on you how long would it take you to let them back into your respective pants or panties?" Puts shit in perspective doesn't it?
           Wait for it..............................there are exceptions to every rule. If you marry a beautiful, fine thing that turns into the mother from Gilbert Grape then you get a pass. You may be in a committed relationship but you must stay on par with the level of attractiveness of your partner. You can grow old and get gross but you must do it as a team. If you find your partner is getting out of control, throw in a little "you know I don't fuck fat chicks, right?" or "This guy at my office showed me his dick" to light a fire under their ass. If your partner stops fucking you completely, you get a pass. I am not saying "dude, she had pneumonia for two weeks" is a reason to slip into some strange because it isn't ,but if you have been in a monogamous relationship for a reasonable amount of time (lets say six months to a year depending on your situation) then it is mandated by divine law that you are allowed to do what you gotta do. You must be on the same sexual level as your partner. Say your other constantly tries to get you to bang one out on the kitchen table and you never will, eventually he will find some one that will. I will put $1000 on the table that says a blowjob guy will eventually go and seek alternate vendors if his "one and only" doesn't make with the head at least once in a blue moon. Keep in mind that what you are doing is still wrong, cheating  always is, but under these circumstances it is at least understandable and predictable. Compare it to a guy that kills someone in a bar fight versus a child killer. Sure, he killed someone and that is bad but at least he didn't drive through Missouri wearing a kids skull as a hat.
           As per your question both you and your husband are at fault. He is at fault for cheating. He sounds like a serial cheater. Some people do not have the ability to think with their upstairs brains and thus can not see all the good things they have, only what they do not. This is a dickish personality trait and can not be broken, ever. I know a person that has lived and breathed by the advice of his dick his entire life and is now reaping the consequences in his old age. However, I don't want to say that this is the case. Ask yourself this: Is there anything you (yes you) could have done to prevent this. Was he at any point just whipping his dick out and saying "touch it?" Every girl in a relationship knows that this happens but after a drought dudes can get desperate so, did it happen more than usual? Maybe you were not doing your "wifely duty." Every man that I know that is married is a generally good person but when there is no water they will eventually find a spring to swim in. You must remember that your significant other is a real person even though they are in a relationship. Women still need to be romanced and made to feel wanted and men need an occasional "where the fuck did that come from!"
          In your specific case I can confidently say it is on your shoulders. "Fool me once" and all that. If some one cheats on you a shit load why in the hell do you think they won't do it again. An addict is always an addict. Just cut your losses and move on. There is always some dude out there whose wife won't let him piss on her that would be more than happy to meet you. My philosophy for many years has been this: If you find yourself in a position where you are really going to cheat and there is nothing to stop you just break everything off. Everyone will be happier in the long run.
        Oh shit. This came close to actual advice. There's still time to save this. uhhhhhh. Fuck a kitten. Ah shit, that won't do. How about: wet garbage vagina stink drove him to insanity. No. Then maybe you eat six cans of sloppy joe mix and shit on his grandmother. dammit. crap and crap and crap. CHICKS LIKE TO GET FINGERED WHILE YOU SING "STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU." crap. why don't you cut a hole in your pants and shove a chicks hand in there doggy style is preferred by four out of every five in the clergy blondes think semen tastes like whip cream it's not gay if you don't look them in the eyes syrup will keep the anus from bleeding if you watch Passenger 51 while she eats sour patch kids out of your dogs ass then............done, i surrender.

A question of age....

Dear Love Translators
My ex boyfriend and I, both in our early thirties, dated for about 5 years. We had a pretty amicable split and were able to remain friends. However, now he is being very promiscuous, and with all girls at least 10 years younger than him! He always came off to me as intelligent, and not like the other guys but it's obvious that he is just using these girls for sex. I mean, he can't possibly be interested in them for their minds, right? How could I have fallen for this guy? Is there truly something wrong with his behavior or is there something wrong with me for finding fault in it?,


                                                          Aghast in Lawrence, KS




        First let me say that I am aghast that some one from Kansas (especially Lawrence) has seen this blog. I am pretty sure that Kansas does not have the internet or running water. I assume that you were dicking around on the lobby computer at a best western on whatever pathetic vacation people from Kansas go on. I guess it would be some sort of county fair or some place where there is a "world's biggest ______." I guess when you are surrounded by wheat and boredom then a big ass stack of pancakes looks rad as hell.
          As to your question I would say this. Every person who has been in a five year relationship and gets out of it naturally tries to fuck everything with in dicks reach. If you ate the same flavor of ice cream for five years and then suddenly had all other 30 flavors at your disposal you to would go a little nuts. Just because your split was amicable doesn't imply that his naughty parts stopped working. You can find fault in whatever the fuck you want to find fault in but that amounts to dick and balls as far as your ex is concerned. Really, you think he is using girls in their early twenties and late teens for sex? No shit, that's what they are for. Girls at that age are pretty stupid so it's easy to do and the best part is they think they are all grown and progressive so fucking everyone makes them "liberated" in their minds. How dumb is that? And dudes at that age are so inept and awkward that they don't really pose a threat. An 18 year old guy wants to make a girl mix tapes in the hopes that she realizes the lyrics to that one Jawbreaker song is how he feels about you and then maybe you'll see how deep he is and give him a blow job. Older men just butcher the shit out of young girls, it's almost like poaching. This doesn't make him unintelligent, it just makes him a human male in his thirties with a penis.
            At that age men and women don't have minds, they have rage and sex drives, that's it. It is just 100% angsty confusion and hard-ons. That's what makes people at that age easy to fuck. This crazy thing happens in your late twenties and early thirties where your brain moves out of you ball-sack or ovaries and into your cranium. This gives you the ability to figure out exactly what young, stupid women want to hear that will immediately get you into their pants as opposed to just awkwardly trying to impress them with your half-assed knowledge of German philosophers. Statements of this variety usually sound something like "No, your art is amazing. It takes real courage to paint the virgin Mary with squirrel shit" or "Absolutely, I totally think there should be women's issues course taught in every grade from your freshman year in high school until you get a doctorate" or "I have a house that I don't share with six other dudes and it isn't covered in doo-doo particles, mold, and Kraft cheese wrappers."
            You "fell" for this guy for the same reason any girl "falls" for any guy: stupidity. We're pretty much horrible creatures that are covered in hair and man-stink so it is confusing how any woman would like any one of us but whatever. My suggestion to you is to keep bitching and moaning about it until you are an old woman with nothing behind you but regret and bitterness. Or you could do a little turn around and start balling a bunch of young dudes. They can go three or four times a night and you can choose where you guys go out because they never have any money or transportation. I know that they would appreciate some love training from an older broad such as yourself so get in there and get statutory baby, you deserve it. Oh, I'm sorry about the Kansas thing, that blows. But if you try really hard you will learn to spell and find out what air conditioning is. Hah! Kansas. What a shit hole.

What exactly is it that you "fell for"? Maybe the idea that your ex was somehow above a million years worth of survival instinct? You see, that's all sexy time is. We are like robots, programmed to procreate. No matter what is in the forefront of your mind, things like "no, I don't want kids right now" or "I'm in a committed relationship, so boning this person would be morally wrong", your body is constantly screaming at you to reproduce and to do things that would be better conducive to procreation. I hate it when people argue with me on this point. The simple truth is this: older men are commonly attracted to younger women and young women are commonly attracted to older men. For men, we are unconsciously looking for a young, healthy mate to spread our seed with. For women, you are subconsciously looking for a healthy alpha male who has established himself in the world. It's simple fucking biology. It's the same reason men like big boobs, wide hips and long legs. These are all features that make for better mothers.Stupid people like to argue that "we're civilized now. Our bodies don't run on survival instinct anymore. You're just making excuses for degenerate behavior". You're probably right, stupids. I mean, 4,000 years of civilization is enough to erase and eternity of evolutionary function. What was I fucking thinking? But let's talk about civilization. Civilization is based on a bunch of rules and moral codes that we made up that are probably good ideas if we're all going to live together and not want to choke the shit out of a motherfucker. The problem is that most of these moral codes are in direct odds with the way we were designed to behave. Your ex boyfriend is being a normal healthy male of his species. He spent 5 years trying to cultivate his "higher self" by being with a buzzkill like yourself and now he's exercising his rights to do whatever the fuck he wants. You don't have any fucking say in it. And it's not like he's breaking a law. Maybe you being a heinous bitch is a survival instinct in and of itself. It makes it easier for him to get the fuck on down and spread his seed. All over some college girls face.
   But don't despair. You see, he's at this golden age where he still can do things like that. For guys in their early thirties, the whole spectrum is available to them. 18 to 80, baby. Pretty soon however one of several things could happen. The best part about people doing something wrong is that you don't have to judge them. We all get punished for our own sins eventually. Best case scenario is that he'll eventually get tired of going to college parties and playing beer pong and listening to horrible screamo shit or whatever it is that young kids listen to these days and he'll go back to looking for something that stimulates his mind as well as his naughty bits. OR he'll get so addicted to young pussy that he'll keep trying to pursue those types of girls into his forties. Then he'll be the sad, old guy sitting buy himself at the bar eyeing girls creepily and muttering to himself. OR he'll knock one of those young trollops up, and have to live with a girl that resents him for ruining her dreams of finishing art school. OR he'll get a social disease and have to take medication for the rest of his life before he goes mountain biking and rock climbing.
   So there you have it. He's being a normal human being and will pay for his own mistakes if they even are mistakes and you're being a Judgey Mcjudgerton. Probably because there's nothing else to do in Kansas unless you like watching corn grown and sheep fuck. I hope you get hit by a train. I would console you with some highly skilled lovin, but you're all old and gross. Early thirties? Ew. I recommend a dating site for seniors. Look out for that wall, Dale Earnhardt, because you're about to hit it....

b-b-b-b-b-b-balls.

Dear Love Translators, 
                 Why don't chicks pay enough attention to dude's balls? 
                                                                             Unappreciated Sack.




       Really? This is what you are worried about? Your balls? That is just precious. Everyone likes to have the "stepchildren" licked and loved a little but at the end of the day they are the supporting cast and not the main event. I assume that you have no problems getting the ladies to touch your wienis so what's the big deal. You are getting cock-play but no live action to the balls? That does not sound like a problem to me. It's like when you are at a restaurant and they don't put enough salt on your mashed potatoes. Do you flip out and start complaining? No, you put salt on them and enjoy. Have you thought about grabbing your own balls and giving them a little shake? Next time you are getting blown just reach down, grab your nuts, and give em a little shake-a-shake-a. Maybe the lady will take it as a hint and grab away.
       To be honest though ball play is overrated. The other day I sat down awkwardly and barely brushed my nuts the wrong way and thought I had been hit by a train. If water from the shower hits your nuts the wrong way then it can fuck you up and that's just water. Knowing how delicate the boys are then do you really want some one yanking on them? The dick is a tough bastard. You can tug on it, slap it around, chew on it occasionally, and basically attack it but the balls are fragile. They are little baby birds that must be nurtured are kept safe, the future lives in there after all. Women are used to beating the shit out of penis and they tend to translate that mentality to balls so it's best to avoid it.
       But lets look at this from a woman's perspective. Balls are gross. A hairy flesh sack hanging really close to your asshole that stink and sort of look like an alien brain. You expect some one to put that in their mouth? It's bad enough to put something as ugly as a dick in your mouth but you can't expect them to jump into ball world as well. Guys bodies are gross. Even dudes that are super in shape. We are just gross. All hairy and shit dangling every where. Bleh. And balls are the worst of the grossness that is dude. Dudes can get zits on their balls. Did you know that? A hairy bag with two ultra sensitive oyster things in them that smell like sweaty doo-doo and now throw in zits. Don't you want to hum old man river on that?
        The real shit here is that what does it matter. Attention is being paid to your love-stick so what's the problem. You sound like one of those little fuckers that gets tons of shit for Christmas and still bitches when the presents are gone. The kind of asshole that just expects people to drop what ever they are doing and help you with whatever dumbfuck problem you are having. Instead of worrying about your balls why don't you meditate on the fact that someone is playing with your privates to begin with?

I would like to politely disagree with my colleague. For me, the balls are and integral part of the well oiled machine that is my lovin and I agree that women need to be more educated on the subject. With as many Cosmo articles as there are with titles like "10 secrets to driving your man wild in bed", you'd think these things wouldn't go so neglected, but alas they do. I understand that balls are gross. Sweaty, wrinkly, shtinky things that they are, but sexy time is not always pretty. I mean, when I was a teenager I had a vagina calendar. Every month was a huge closeup of a vagina. Taken out of the context of the rest of a woman's body, the vagango is not always the most pleasant thing to look at, or smell sometimes for that matter, but that doesn't stop me from writing out the Gettysburg address with the tip of my tounge on many a clit every chance that I get.
   The thing is, balls are very nervous. They are constanly succeptable to the crueltys of this world with little defense. That's why when they are gently held, they feel safe. Not, squeezed mind you, but they just want to be nurtured and told that everything's gonna be ok. Something about having my balls held turn me on like no other. It's just as hot as a finger in the ass. I usually tell my lovers if they're ready for me to be finished, just grab a hold of the balls. It's magic time, then.
   The real problem here is why you don't have enough metaphorical balls to just ask someone to play with your real ones? I personally love to find out what gets someone hot in bed. People will very rarely be disappointed with a little direction. I have never gotten bummed out when a woman said: "can you put that here?" or "can you lick me here, like this?" In fact, I've kinda got half a staff just thinking about those times. The bottom line is: We developed this sophisticated language specifically so we could communicate to each other how best to manipulate one another's naughty parts. Use it. You're not a caveman. You can do more than just point at your twig and berries and grunt.