I'm so in love with my girlfriend. I've done everything to treat her right. She broke up with me by saying I was "too nice" and immediately hooked up with her ex who used to cheat on her all the time and even hit her! How can I make her see that I love her so she will come back to me?,
Desperate and confused
Holy donkey raping shit eater! What the fuck is wrong with you, son? What is wrong with all of you? You all have no self respect! I don't know whether to blame society, the media, the entertainment industry but it doesn't matter. If you have no respect for yourselves, how is anyone going to respect you? Why would you want that chick back? Let me explain this one last time for the people who haven't been paying attention.
You are not the first man ever who has lost his woman to some piece of shit angry meathead. This has been happening since the beginning of time. There is actually an evolutionary function to women's preference for assholes. Yes, science can explain everything.
You see, it's simply a survival instinct. Assholes have a greater rate of survival. We have really been living "civilized" for such a short percentage of our time on earth. It wasn't all that long ago that you had to worry about wolves, bears or roving gangs of marauders coming and snatching up your special boo. The women had a better chance of survival if they were snuggled up with the larger, more aggressive males of our species. Sometimes that aggression would turn on them, but there's always going to be a tradeoff, isn't there. I mean, face it. Who would you rather have guarding your house,
Yeah, the pit bull might snap and take your balls off one day, but at least no one will be running off with your flat screen. So, women have developed an unconscious preference for the asshole, and they will go to war with you to try and prove that this is not true but I will bet you goddamn dollars to doughnuts that they all fantasize about that elusive, aloof jerk they dated in high school. Plus, all women like to be roughed up in the bedroom. Hair pulled, thrown around, called names, tied up. Further proof of my theory. All women like a sexy amount of shitheadedness.
But! This attraction to aggression affected something else evolutionary. You see, it was easier for the more attractive females to find a protective alpha male. All they had to do was look hot and spread their legs and these neanderthals were braining other dudes with battle axes to protect what they thought was a precious commodity (and let's face it, in the old times, someone with most of their teeth and a bajango that didn't smell like the black death was a catch!). So more attractive women did not develop intelligence to allow better survival. That's why the hotter a woman is, usually the more worthless they are. That's why I like ugly ducklings, or late bloomers. They're hot, but still in the mindset that they are ugly so they had to develop personalities and brains. We get accused of being sexist a lot, but the truth is that I would much prefer someone semi attractive with a brain in their head than some bimbo that's balls hot right now. Everyone is eventually going to get old and gross. When I am king of the universe, we will wall in the entire midwest and send all old people there to be old and gross away from me. No one wants to look at your saggy skin and liver spots. I just puked up my poached egg into my mouth a little thinking about saggy balls and old toenails. The mid west is the most worthless part of our country, so how fitting will it be to send our most worthless members of society there. That way, they can all drive like shit for each other and complain about their food being too spicy at restaurants and we don't have to listen. I will also cordon off Texas and send people with children there. People with children should not be allowed to ride on airplanes or eat at restaurants. No one wants to look at your ugly booger eater. Oh wow, I'm so proud of you. You left it in there and did something that every living thing is designed to do. You fed someone enough Zimas that they were fooled into thinking you were hot and you got laid and now you think it's your god given right to have a walking talking flesh trophy to commemorate your 6 minutes of awkward humping. congrats!
I digress. You are a fucking moron. I can see why your ex would rather be with someone that hit her than with you fucktardedness. I'd rather smash my own face with a red hot skillet covered in fire ants while listening to Nickleback than acknowledge your existence. I bet you were the most annoying boyfriend ever. I bet you always looked at her and asked "what are you thinking about?" People who ask that question deserve to get stabbed in the face. I don't think about things in a linear manner. I have thought soup. I like to answer them truthfully with the stream of consciousness bullshit that's in my head. "Lunch, pudding, bowling, church, Bachmann Turner Overdrive, Keith Lee, Gary Indiana, That one episode of the Cosby Show that Stevie Wonder was in, Jammin on the one, cheesy rice, anal sex, utility bill". That's what I'm thinking about. Happy now? What did you want me to say? "I'm thinking about how much I love you". I'm stabbing my own face with a fork now.
God dammit. God dammit fuck balls. Leper tits and rotten tampon blood. Is this my goddamn life? Is what I've been fucking reduced to? "I love my blahblahblahblah but blah doesn't blah me blah blah I'm going to drink a bunch of Nyquil and then blahblahblahfuckingblah." How long will it take you shit heads to realize that women like dicks. Not the throbbing fleshy kind, the asshole kind and men like women that are bad for them. (heh, throbbing) Do you think 19 million women fucked Nikki Sixx because he brought them flowers? No, they fucked him because A) he was in Motley Crue and B) because he was heroin addicted alcoholic dick. Do you think after he stuck a godzilla action figure in thirty random coozes hoo-hoos that he gave them flowers? No, he kicked them the fuck out of his dressing room and then went and rocked the fuck out of "kickstart my heart" and then stuck it in the ass of your mother. Women dig that shit. It's like moths to flame.
Everyone knows "that guy." "That guy" gets more pussy than anyone in the universe and has fucked everything in a 500 mile radius at any given time. He most likely has shitloads of tattoos, no real plan for the future, and a motorcycle. That gets so much ass because he honestly doesn't give a fraction of a fuck about anyone and is a total dick. Women spread up for this guy because they are confused. You see, everything with a dick has been trying to fuck every woman since the first time she showed up to school in a halter top with budding little pre-tits sticking out into the wide-wide world. When women meet a guy that honestly does not care and treats them like shit it throws everything they know into disorder. It would be like you working the same job for fifty years making hubcaps or whatever shitty life you've made for yourself and you show up for your shitty job one day (should have got an education) and they expect you to make thermonuclear warheads. Women think that deep down this mysterious shithead who isn't trying to fuck me is really a wellspring of emotion and creative energy and puppies and pillows and reruns of the view when in reality he is a vagininja. He is stalking his prey with stealth and skill and just when you think you have this tough and rugged nut figured out he blows a real nut all over your face and hair. Then he high-fives you and says "thanks for the vagina" and gets the fuck out. A truly great, great man.
In fact, I am proposing a theory right now that has been mulling around in my head for years. You truly grow up when you do not look for assholes in relationships. Men truly mature when they no longer think only of pussy and what yours smells like and women when they actually see a good man for what he is, a good man, not a weakling. Think about it fellas, do you remember the first time you dated a beautiful woman that gave you insane porno sex and you bailed out because she was a bitch? Congratulations, thats when you grew up. Ladies, remember the first time you actually appreciated a man that intrinsically wanted to stay at home with you and watch TV instead of going out to get loaded every weekend. Welcome to adulthood, feels great doesn't it. Many of you reading this are teenagers or in your early twenties and right now you are thinking "I'm an adult, I'm grown, I'm in college, I'm going to be a ________, he doesn't know what he's talking about." Well, no you aren't, fuck you, I don't care, you are going to wait tables like everyone else, and yes I fucking do. Couples in their early twenties and teens are constantly on the town or at shows on whatever you idiots do because you are not comfortable enough with your partner to just sit the fuck down and hang out. You are always looking for the next big dick that is mysterious enough to make your sorry excuse for a brain wonder "could this be the one?"
As your problem sir, my advice is this: grow a pair, go over to this woman's house and choke the living piss out of her. Just choke the fuck out of her. Shake her ass while you are doing it. Women all love a good shakin'. If her old boyfriend shows up, knock him the fuck out, he is obviously standing in the way of your "made for TV Lifetime romance" movie of a relationship. Then have babies and raise them up to be spineless pieces of shit like yourself. Or, you could grow a pair and realize that this woman sucks, by a leather jacket and some mirror glasses, and go inflict some real fucking damage. Good hunting.
Desperate and confused
Holy donkey raping shit eater! What the fuck is wrong with you, son? What is wrong with all of you? You all have no self respect! I don't know whether to blame society, the media, the entertainment industry but it doesn't matter. If you have no respect for yourselves, how is anyone going to respect you? Why would you want that chick back? Let me explain this one last time for the people who haven't been paying attention.You are not the first man ever who has lost his woman to some piece of shit angry meathead. This has been happening since the beginning of time. There is actually an evolutionary function to women's preference for assholes. Yes, science can explain everything.
You see, it's simply a survival instinct. Assholes have a greater rate of survival. We have really been living "civilized" for such a short percentage of our time on earth. It wasn't all that long ago that you had to worry about wolves, bears or roving gangs of marauders coming and snatching up your special boo. The women had a better chance of survival if they were snuggled up with the larger, more aggressive males of our species. Sometimes that aggression would turn on them, but there's always going to be a tradeoff, isn't there. I mean, face it. Who would you rather have guarding your house,
 |
| This guy? |
 |
| or this guy? |
Yeah, the pit bull might snap and take your balls off one day, but at least no one will be running off with your flat screen. So, women have developed an unconscious preference for the asshole, and they will go to war with you to try and prove that this is not true but I will bet you goddamn dollars to doughnuts that they all fantasize about that elusive, aloof jerk they dated in high school. Plus, all women like to be roughed up in the bedroom. Hair pulled, thrown around, called names, tied up. Further proof of my theory. All women like a sexy amount of shitheadedness.
But! This attraction to aggression affected something else evolutionary. You see, it was easier for the more attractive females to find a protective alpha male. All they had to do was look hot and spread their legs and these neanderthals were braining other dudes with battle axes to protect what they thought was a precious commodity (and let's face it, in the old times, someone with most of their teeth and a bajango that didn't smell like the black death was a catch!). So more attractive women did not develop intelligence to allow better survival. That's why the hotter a woman is, usually the more worthless they are. That's why I like ugly ducklings, or late bloomers. They're hot, but still in the mindset that they are ugly so they had to develop personalities and brains. We get accused of being sexist a lot, but the truth is that I would much prefer someone semi attractive with a brain in their head than some bimbo that's balls hot right now. Everyone is eventually going to get old and gross. When I am king of the universe, we will wall in the entire midwest and send all old people there to be old and gross away from me. No one wants to look at your saggy skin and liver spots. I just puked up my poached egg into my mouth a little thinking about saggy balls and old toenails. The mid west is the most worthless part of our country, so how fitting will it be to send our most worthless members of society there. That way, they can all drive like shit for each other and complain about their food being too spicy at restaurants and we don't have to listen. I will also cordon off Texas and send people with children there. People with children should not be allowed to ride on airplanes or eat at restaurants. No one wants to look at your ugly booger eater. Oh wow, I'm so proud of you. You left it in there and did something that every living thing is designed to do. You fed someone enough Zimas that they were fooled into thinking you were hot and you got laid and now you think it's your god given right to have a walking talking flesh trophy to commemorate your 6 minutes of awkward humping. congrats!
I digress. You are a fucking moron. I can see why your ex would rather be with someone that hit her than with you fucktardedness. I'd rather smash my own face with a red hot skillet covered in fire ants while listening to Nickleback than acknowledge your existence. I bet you were the most annoying boyfriend ever. I bet you always looked at her and asked "what are you thinking about?" People who ask that question deserve to get stabbed in the face. I don't think about things in a linear manner. I have thought soup. I like to answer them truthfully with the stream of consciousness bullshit that's in my head. "Lunch, pudding, bowling, church, Bachmann Turner Overdrive, Keith Lee, Gary Indiana, That one episode of the Cosby Show that Stevie Wonder was in, Jammin on the one, cheesy rice, anal sex, utility bill". That's what I'm thinking about. Happy now? What did you want me to say? "I'm thinking about how much I love you". I'm stabbing my own face with a fork now.
God dammit. God dammit fuck balls. Leper tits and rotten tampon blood. Is this my goddamn life? Is what I've been fucking reduced to? "I love my blahblahblahblah but blah doesn't blah me blah blah I'm going to drink a bunch of Nyquil and then blahblahblahfuckingblah." How long will it take you shit heads to realize that women like dicks. Not the throbbing fleshy kind, the asshole kind and men like women that are bad for them. (heh, throbbing) Do you think 19 million women fucked Nikki Sixx because he brought them flowers? No, they fucked him because A) he was in Motley Crue and B) because he was heroin addicted alcoholic dick. Do you think after he stuck a godzilla action figure in thirty random coozes hoo-hoos that he gave them flowers? No, he kicked them the fuck out of his dressing room and then went and rocked the fuck out of "kickstart my heart" and then stuck it in the ass of your mother. Women dig that shit. It's like moths to flame.Everyone knows "that guy." "That guy" gets more pussy than anyone in the universe and has fucked everything in a 500 mile radius at any given time. He most likely has shitloads of tattoos, no real plan for the future, and a motorcycle. That gets so much ass because he honestly doesn't give a fraction of a fuck about anyone and is a total dick. Women spread up for this guy because they are confused. You see, everything with a dick has been trying to fuck every woman since the first time she showed up to school in a halter top with budding little pre-tits sticking out into the wide-wide world. When women meet a guy that honestly does not care and treats them like shit it throws everything they know into disorder. It would be like you working the same job for fifty years making hubcaps or whatever shitty life you've made for yourself and you show up for your shitty job one day (should have got an education) and they expect you to make thermonuclear warheads. Women think that deep down this mysterious shithead who isn't trying to fuck me is really a wellspring of emotion and creative energy and puppies and pillows and reruns of the view when in reality he is a vagininja. He is stalking his prey with stealth and skill and just when you think you have this tough and rugged nut figured out he blows a real nut all over your face and hair. Then he high-fives you and says "thanks for the vagina" and gets the fuck out. A truly great, great man.
In fact, I am proposing a theory right now that has been mulling around in my head for years. You truly grow up when you do not look for assholes in relationships. Men truly mature when they no longer think only of pussy and what yours smells like and women when they actually see a good man for what he is, a good man, not a weakling. Think about it fellas, do you remember the first time you dated a beautiful woman that gave you insane porno sex and you bailed out because she was a bitch? Congratulations, thats when you grew up. Ladies, remember the first time you actually appreciated a man that intrinsically wanted to stay at home with you and watch TV instead of going out to get loaded every weekend. Welcome to adulthood, feels great doesn't it. Many of you reading this are teenagers or in your early twenties and right now you are thinking "I'm an adult, I'm grown, I'm in college, I'm going to be a ________, he doesn't know what he's talking about." Well, no you aren't, fuck you, I don't care, you are going to wait tables like everyone else, and yes I fucking do. Couples in their early twenties and teens are constantly on the town or at shows on whatever you idiots do because you are not comfortable enough with your partner to just sit the fuck down and hang out. You are always looking for the next big dick that is mysterious enough to make your sorry excuse for a brain wonder "could this be the one?"
As your problem sir, my advice is this: grow a pair, go over to this woman's house and choke the living piss out of her. Just choke the fuck out of her. Shake her ass while you are doing it. Women all love a good shakin'. If her old boyfriend shows up, knock him the fuck out, he is obviously standing in the way of your "made for TV Lifetime romance" movie of a relationship. Then have babies and raise them up to be spineless pieces of shit like yourself. Or, you could grow a pair and realize that this woman sucks, by a leather jacket and some mirror glasses, and go inflict some real fucking damage. Good hunting.
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