A question of age....

Dear Love Translators
My ex boyfriend and I, both in our early thirties, dated for about 5 years. We had a pretty amicable split and were able to remain friends. However, now he is being very promiscuous, and with all girls at least 10 years younger than him! He always came off to me as intelligent, and not like the other guys but it's obvious that he is just using these girls for sex. I mean, he can't possibly be interested in them for their minds, right? How could I have fallen for this guy? Is there truly something wrong with his behavior or is there something wrong with me for finding fault in it?,


                                                          Aghast in Lawrence, KS




        First let me say that I am aghast that some one from Kansas (especially Lawrence) has seen this blog. I am pretty sure that Kansas does not have the internet or running water. I assume that you were dicking around on the lobby computer at a best western on whatever pathetic vacation people from Kansas go on. I guess it would be some sort of county fair or some place where there is a "world's biggest ______." I guess when you are surrounded by wheat and boredom then a big ass stack of pancakes looks rad as hell.
          As to your question I would say this. Every person who has been in a five year relationship and gets out of it naturally tries to fuck everything with in dicks reach. If you ate the same flavor of ice cream for five years and then suddenly had all other 30 flavors at your disposal you to would go a little nuts. Just because your split was amicable doesn't imply that his naughty parts stopped working. You can find fault in whatever the fuck you want to find fault in but that amounts to dick and balls as far as your ex is concerned. Really, you think he is using girls in their early twenties and late teens for sex? No shit, that's what they are for. Girls at that age are pretty stupid so it's easy to do and the best part is they think they are all grown and progressive so fucking everyone makes them "liberated" in their minds. How dumb is that? And dudes at that age are so inept and awkward that they don't really pose a threat. An 18 year old guy wants to make a girl mix tapes in the hopes that she realizes the lyrics to that one Jawbreaker song is how he feels about you and then maybe you'll see how deep he is and give him a blow job. Older men just butcher the shit out of young girls, it's almost like poaching. This doesn't make him unintelligent, it just makes him a human male in his thirties with a penis.
            At that age men and women don't have minds, they have rage and sex drives, that's it. It is just 100% angsty confusion and hard-ons. That's what makes people at that age easy to fuck. This crazy thing happens in your late twenties and early thirties where your brain moves out of you ball-sack or ovaries and into your cranium. This gives you the ability to figure out exactly what young, stupid women want to hear that will immediately get you into their pants as opposed to just awkwardly trying to impress them with your half-assed knowledge of German philosophers. Statements of this variety usually sound something like "No, your art is amazing. It takes real courage to paint the virgin Mary with squirrel shit" or "Absolutely, I totally think there should be women's issues course taught in every grade from your freshman year in high school until you get a doctorate" or "I have a house that I don't share with six other dudes and it isn't covered in doo-doo particles, mold, and Kraft cheese wrappers."
            You "fell" for this guy for the same reason any girl "falls" for any guy: stupidity. We're pretty much horrible creatures that are covered in hair and man-stink so it is confusing how any woman would like any one of us but whatever. My suggestion to you is to keep bitching and moaning about it until you are an old woman with nothing behind you but regret and bitterness. Or you could do a little turn around and start balling a bunch of young dudes. They can go three or four times a night and you can choose where you guys go out because they never have any money or transportation. I know that they would appreciate some love training from an older broad such as yourself so get in there and get statutory baby, you deserve it. Oh, I'm sorry about the Kansas thing, that blows. But if you try really hard you will learn to spell and find out what air conditioning is. Hah! Kansas. What a shit hole.

What exactly is it that you "fell for"? Maybe the idea that your ex was somehow above a million years worth of survival instinct? You see, that's all sexy time is. We are like robots, programmed to procreate. No matter what is in the forefront of your mind, things like "no, I don't want kids right now" or "I'm in a committed relationship, so boning this person would be morally wrong", your body is constantly screaming at you to reproduce and to do things that would be better conducive to procreation. I hate it when people argue with me on this point. The simple truth is this: older men are commonly attracted to younger women and young women are commonly attracted to older men. For men, we are unconsciously looking for a young, healthy mate to spread our seed with. For women, you are subconsciously looking for a healthy alpha male who has established himself in the world. It's simple fucking biology. It's the same reason men like big boobs, wide hips and long legs. These are all features that make for better mothers.Stupid people like to argue that "we're civilized now. Our bodies don't run on survival instinct anymore. You're just making excuses for degenerate behavior". You're probably right, stupids. I mean, 4,000 years of civilization is enough to erase and eternity of evolutionary function. What was I fucking thinking? But let's talk about civilization. Civilization is based on a bunch of rules and moral codes that we made up that are probably good ideas if we're all going to live together and not want to choke the shit out of a motherfucker. The problem is that most of these moral codes are in direct odds with the way we were designed to behave. Your ex boyfriend is being a normal healthy male of his species. He spent 5 years trying to cultivate his "higher self" by being with a buzzkill like yourself and now he's exercising his rights to do whatever the fuck he wants. You don't have any fucking say in it. And it's not like he's breaking a law. Maybe you being a heinous bitch is a survival instinct in and of itself. It makes it easier for him to get the fuck on down and spread his seed. All over some college girls face.
   But don't despair. You see, he's at this golden age where he still can do things like that. For guys in their early thirties, the whole spectrum is available to them. 18 to 80, baby. Pretty soon however one of several things could happen. The best part about people doing something wrong is that you don't have to judge them. We all get punished for our own sins eventually. Best case scenario is that he'll eventually get tired of going to college parties and playing beer pong and listening to horrible screamo shit or whatever it is that young kids listen to these days and he'll go back to looking for something that stimulates his mind as well as his naughty bits. OR he'll get so addicted to young pussy that he'll keep trying to pursue those types of girls into his forties. Then he'll be the sad, old guy sitting buy himself at the bar eyeing girls creepily and muttering to himself. OR he'll knock one of those young trollops up, and have to live with a girl that resents him for ruining her dreams of finishing art school. OR he'll get a social disease and have to take medication for the rest of his life before he goes mountain biking and rock climbing.
   So there you have it. He's being a normal human being and will pay for his own mistakes if they even are mistakes and you're being a Judgey Mcjudgerton. Probably because there's nothing else to do in Kansas unless you like watching corn grown and sheep fuck. I hope you get hit by a train. I would console you with some highly skilled lovin, but you're all old and gross. Early thirties? Ew. I recommend a dating site for seniors. Look out for that wall, Dale Earnhardt, because you're about to hit it....