Desperately horny?

so, i'm a healthy 20-something midtown girl, single at the moment by choice, and i am starting to wonder if my perversions are healthy or if i have some serious mental issues. also, i went to catholic school and i am unsure as to whether or not this could have anything to do with my slight depravity.  i love fucking. i will take it to a very serious level of weird, if you want me to. i'm open-minded to a degree that i do not know if i'm crossing some lines or what the hell. read on for my conundrum.  1. while i prefer real dick (nothing like it in the world), i do not mind eating pussy. in fact, i think girls are better kissers.. no offense guys, but our lips are softer. i often find myself as the third person fuckpuppet in threesomes; i'll go home with a nice looking couple and let them violate me in ways that would make most people blush. however, i have never been in a relationship where i felt sharing my significant other would be plausible. i get really jealous in commitments.  2. that being said, although claiming a man as my own can make me the paranoid girlfriend guys hate the idea of, i have a tendency to cheat. i don't ever feel good about myself after, and i'm not proud or slick- i always get found out. also, this cheating phenomenon occurs in my straight monogamous relationships. i really don't mean to hurt anyone. i don't know what the fuck happens. too drunk isn't an excuse, it's an issue. 3. i get off to lesbian porn more often than straight porn, and i get off to gay porn faster than both of the aforementioned. i cannot stand those long, fake fingernails in straight porn, the guys' physiques, the sluttiness of the girls, whatever. i like my kinky sex real looking, and this is best done when watching some natural yet still gorgeous lesbos go at it, or some well-kept, nicely molded fags plough each other. 4. i enjoy being submissive. dominance makes me feel, well, bossy. the only time i ever liked feeling in charge was when i strapped a cock on and fucked an ex boyfriend in the ass, watching him take every inch of my big fake dick. it was his idea, and i obliged, and i loved it.     i will get fucked in the ass if i'm in the right mood and it's approached properly. it weirds me out to get my pussy licked, i get self-conscious, but i like to do it. i love sucking dick. i like getting slapped, spanked, choked, and bitten, but only to the just-right degree, and i don't like doing it to others, unless they ask for it; then i'm still a bit shy.    also, i barely ever just get off on a cock anymore, or with another person. my clit has to be rubbed just right or i can't get off.  5. i'm ashamed of this, embarrassed really, so i am asking you total fuckheads to give me some advice on what the hell to do with myself, while remaining clothed in anonymity. i am prepared to look past the crass nature of your answers, and your making fun, but i would appreciate some genuine advice, as you seem slightly twisted yourself.    also, i'm not fat, ugly, or going to send you a picture for this article. it's not really about my looks. i know i'm pretty. maybe sometime, if you like the way i get down, i'll pay a visit to your offices and we can all get together for some physical therapy... (ah, there i go again!)    please help, translators. desperately horny & not sure if it's ok,           slightly depraved yet loving                                      Desperately horny,    When I was a teenager and on in to my twenties I had all kinds of hangups about sex. I too was raised by catholic, southern conservatives. Even though I began raiding my dad's porn collection at an early age to where the first time I had sex I was doing it with porn star skill, I still had my young emotions tied up in it and saw many things as taboo. Now that I am a seasoned veteran in the ways of love, I understand that there is no "wrong" when our sexual proclivities are concerned unless it involves little kids. Beyond that, it's all fair game.       Who doesn't love fucking? I would be more inclined to worry about the mental state of someone who doesn't love it.    I'm right with you on the eating pussy thing. If I'm really into a girl, there's nothing I like better than to see how many times I can make her cum with my mouth before I ever let her even see my dick. Mmm, peach cobbler. I like to play a game where I try and see if i can lick the back of her tonsils through her fuck hole.    As far as threesomes go? I don't see why that's weird. You get to fulfill your desire with both sexes, but at the end of the night you get to go home while they get to deal with all the bullshit that goes along with a committed relationship. You know, all that "talking" and "feelings" and shit. All that shit is Lord Farquar Gaytard. You are wise to stay away from the threeway thing when you're in a regaytionship. I know lots of swinger couples, and it always ends up weird, no matter how cool they say they are. I believe we covered this topic before (http://lovetranslators.blogspot.com/2011/02/threesome.html) The threesomes i've been in were never awkward for me, but like I said, with age I just don't give a fuck anymore. And if you can have a threesome with your friends and maintain a coolness afterwards, why then those are truly amazing friends and should be high fived. Preferably during the three way. it was weird though when my buddy made a comment about my cock when we were double teaming this chick. "Dude, does that thing have an elbow"? totally not cool to point out people's genetic deformities during a bang-a-thon. yes, I have a freakishly large cock. People should do a 5K for me. As far is the cheating is concerned, if you know you're going to do it, why even bother getting into a relationship in the first place? Are you attracted to the thrill? because it is indeed more hot to be doing something wrong, but generally I don't like to put some poor motherfucker through that. I, however am slick, so I never get caught, but I have enough of a guilty conscious that I will break up with someone (i never confess, however. I will take those stories to my grave) after I cheat. In fact, I have to say I hate people that feel like they have to "come clean" and destroy someone emotionally because they couldn't control their naughty bits. the grown up thing to do if you find yourself guilty of cheating and you feel bad about it is A: Don't do it again and never mention it or B: break up with your insignificant other so you can bang other people guilt free and never mention it. God, you people are fucking amateurs! Lot's of women love porn. All of the sudden it's acceptable now. 20 years ago all women were like "ew gross", and now you have all matured as a whole. good job. I guess you can all have raises now and be able to vote. As far as the submissive thing goes? yawn. Every woman for some reason likes to be choked, hair pulled, thrown around, man handled and roughed up a bit. It probably stems back to the caveman days. For the most part, I think your letter is bullshit. Full of contradictions. I'm guessing when you say "twenty something" you probably just mean 20. Your sex life sounds about as vanilla as Vanilla Ice. If you want to get crazy, meet me at a hotel room on Lamar and me and a crack whore are going to take turns shitting in your mouth. That's all the respect I think you deserve. And let me just add here that I really loved your work as "Corky" on the show "Life Goes On". You should have won an Emmy for that. Catholic school hu? Must have been one of the cheap ones without standardized tests by the way you clearly have no concept of the scope and range that is the word ‘depraved’. You fuck with couples- risqué! Also about as common in the bored housewife set as drunk chicks making out with each other so folks will think they’re cutting edge and shit... Your whole dumb ass generation has the power to google anything, yet you insist on calling the lamest of behavior perverse. So let’s just break it on down ----Don’t blame Jesus because you were in slow class. I’m sure that going to a catholic school has the power to shape the most amazing of sexual proclivity…but you weren’t paying enough attention were you? Your ‘serious mental issue’ is the oldest in the book: self-promotion with a side of preening idiot. If you love fucking sooo much then you should already know- the only time a line is crossed is when nutz do not occur. Nut= no line. Fact. 1) Oh, you’re in your twenties and you like the ladies (yawn). What girl in her twenties doesn’t lick vadge anymore?? It’s your generation’s thing- it’s your flannel hoodie if you will. Stupid little junior hos- it just makes you look desperate and phony and (omg) trendy. (Nice- you got the trifecta) …which is why the trolling bored married people zone right in on you. Also, Fuckpuppet is not a compliment… 2) You have no problem leaving your snail trail all over Frayser. Awesome. You know that does not make you a case study right? It just means that you don’t have the balls to tell someone what’s up. 3) You like a lil girl/girl, boy/boy action…. if you had even a vague deviant sex-bone in your body you would have figured this one out around 14 when you were just in your tawdry stage… Everyone likes same sex porn; you have not discovered something new. As for liking ugly people porn- I mean, what? Hmm? How low is your self-esteem that the pretty people intimidate you? They’re only there to help you out bitch! 4) Being submissive or dominant is like what hand your obviously absentee father beats it with- it’s whatever works! Personally I like my men manly as hell- men that can barely wipe their ass, much less shove something in it… and it’s for that reason that I’m with you on the pussylickin thing. (I mean, you are what you eat, and I have no desire to bed cunts). However it sounds to me like you’re trying to say you’re too shy, which makes no sense when you’ve already admitted to cornholing your own boyfriend… Here’s the cherry on top- you don’t even like the weak ass kink you claim you’re doing! You said yourself you don’t even get off… That’s why I call this whole letter “I think you guys are really funny and want to gobble your cock”. The next time you feel like flirting with these fine ass men, maybe just send a picture of your twat with a number attached and spare us this pathetic tripe…. the whole thing reeks of ploy. “add a dash of catholic schoolgirl to some assplay, mix in a threesome, and an inability to cum anymore on the side please!” Little tip here- you know who doesn’t have to say they’re pretty and not fat and shit? Bad ass bitches.         Ok. Let me start by saying that I would like call bullshit on this. It reads like a penthouse letter written by a teenage boy. I can almost hear you giggling in between writing sentences. "I like to fuck....tee hee." It's either that or this is real and there are serious issues on display. So I'll go ahead and play your stupid little game and treat it like is real.        What do you mean by a serious level of weird? Are you curled up in a corner simultaneously laughing like a maniac and balling your eyes out while covered in human doo-doo-turds while cradling the teddy bear that your creepy uncle made you bite down on while he molested you? Because that is a serious level of weird. Not just liking to have sex. Plus, I have seen some pretty fucked up shit in my day so what are considering "ways you have been violated that would make most people blush?" Have you ever been fucked with the skull of your first pet? That's fucked up. How about blown a guy and his dad while they play with each others balls? Also fucked up. If you just consider letting some frat guy put it in your ass (just the tip) then you and I are not on the same page as far as fucked up goes.         So, after much thought I have decided that you are a shitty person. You pretty much say, in no uncertain terms, that you suck as a person, a partner, and in general. So you are the super jealous type yet you always cheat. You say that you are super dirty yet ask if it is a problem that you are dirty. You prefer lesbian porn but don't like having your noo-noo licked. You vividly describe banging a dude with a strap on yet say you are embarrassed about your self proclaimed naughtiness. Basically you suck. What kind of person fucks some one in the ass with a strap on? Oh, here's a little tip (hey-o): don't call some one a "total fuckhead" if you want their advice. You want some advice you cum-dumpster, here you go: re-evaluate your philosophy on life and change everything about you as a person. You come off as a fake, uncaring, slightly nymphomaniacal (check out the big fucking words on this guy), big fat triffling ass liar.        Other than the strap on thing (which I think is total bullshit) nothing you describe is sexually that odd. You like to be submissive well here is a news flash: for a woman sex is a submissive act. You can play the "empowered woman of the twenty-first century" card all you want but if you are having sex with a man you are getting fucked. Pay close attention to my words. GETTING fucked. You are LETTING someone fuck you. Notice the use of "accepting" verbs. Philosophically, sex is submissive from the female perspective and dominant from the male perspective. I don't mean that in a sexist way, or maybe I do, I really don't care but if you really think about for a minute you will see that I am right. If you are a woman fucking a man something is getting put inside of you. You are ACCEPTING something foreign inside of your body. The man is PUTTING something in you. Think about it. Now, you say you like being submissive but you violated a dude with a strap on. Which one are you? Are the submissive person that wants to be slapped or are you a jerk that wants to do icky things with a strap on?       Basically there are two conclusions that I can come up with. First is that you are a liar. I believe that people rarely hold beliefs from two fundamentally opposing philosophies on life. You are annoyingly jealous yet a habitual cheater, you won't let your man enjoy a three way but you have no problem jumping in with another couple, you claim to be submissive but show fundamentally dominant traits, you brag about your whorish ways yet claim to be embarrassed about your whorish ways, you write asking for advice and offer to fuck us. Therefore how can we believe anything you say? It's called the liars fallacy. Once some one is identified as a liar you can't believe anything they say including them saying "I am a lair." It's like a catch 22. How do we know that any of these problems even exist or if you even care if they do exist? But mostly I believe that this is complete and total bullshit.        This email reeks of teenage-boy generated internet bullshit. Like those people that write stories about the characters in Family Guy fucking the Simpsons or poorly written letters to Penthouse. It looks like you took every stereotypical teenage fantasy and put it in an email. I can almost hear you giggling like a little kid after you write a sentence about how you like to get choked. Leave comedy to the people who are good at it like Sam Kinison and the guy that wrote the bible.         If any of this is true then your offer of vagina for my partner and myself is soundly rejected. Let's see, what do I want to do with my dick? Do I want to A) put it in a strumpet that cheats on her boyfriends, likes to fuck couples, would fuck a guy with a strap on (serious character flaw), and talks like a 14-year-old virgin that has never had sex or B) cover it in seal blood and stick it in a tank with a killer whale? After much deliberation i'm taking my chances with Shamu. The worst he will do is kill me. You, on the other hand, will tell me stories about how whorish you are yet not do anything whorish with me, cheat on me with some couple after never letting me get my threepeat on, and try to stick things into my booty that I don't want there. No thank you. Let that sink in. I would rather cover my dick in seal blood and stick it in a tank with a killer whale than fuck you. Between a killer whale and your vagina, I choose killer whale. That has to make you feel crappy. But you are in to being submissive so I guess you like that. But we have established so are a liar so that means you are really dominant. I'm confused.         Advice: Stop ruining dudes lives and take some time to get your head right. If you don't respect your self enough to keep yourself from being used like a fuckpuppet (kudos on that by the way) then no one else will ever respect you. That would be my advice if this were real. However, it is total bullshit so thanks for wasting my time fucknut.       Also, don't be one of those assholes that acts like all of their problems comes from catholic school. We all know your problems stem from the time the bus driver put his hands down your pants so don't blame that on god. Jerk.