I have a great girlfriend. She is intelligent and independent and basically my best friend. She's also beautiful...from the waist up. You see, I'm what you would call an "ass man" and she has a VERY flat butt. As time goes on I find myself less sexually attracted to her and she's starting to notice. I'm sorry, but I can't help it and I can't fake it. What should I do? Am I that shallow?
Troubled in Jonesboro
Jonesboro,
Yes, you are about as shallow as a pissed in kiddie pool. You're not an "ass man", you're just an ass. So you're dating a "war hero". That's what I call girls with no asses, because I like to imagine her ass got shot off in the war. Let me break the news to you, fucktard. There are no perfect women out there. In the real world everyone has physical flaws and if they don't they will eventually. Everyone gets gross in the end. I think you should break up with that poor girl and let her find an man that's not a troglodite. If she's everything you say she is she will be able to find a man that will worship her, that will cook her dinner and then fuck her on the dining room table and that will give her back rubs and then go down on her for an hour. You see, often times our physical flaws are what builds character in us. Sure, there are girls out there that are perfect "10's" but they're usually fucking worthless, because they've never had to strive for anything in their lives. I've dated some fine ass women. Let me share with you a few examples where the Hot/Worthless ratio is in full effect.1. #3- I nicknamed her this not because she was my third girlfriend, but because she hit a fucking wall like Dale Earnhardt after she spit out about 9 kids. Back in the day she was so fine. I'm glad I never married that land beast. It just goes to show you that beauty will not last. You better find you a woman that can stimulate you mentally. We all get old, but the mind is the last thing to go, usually so you better find a woman that is at least entertaining. Imagine being old and gross and having an old and gross wife that babbles on endlessly about nothing. no thanks.
2. Narnia- this girl was physically perfect. The first woman I ever had laid out before me that I could find no physical flaw with. And she had a magical vagina. It was another portal to Narnia and a unicorn sucked you off from inside. I think she must've put sugar in her pussy or somethin. But goddamnit she was dumb as a box of rocks. and mean. and shallow. and petty. and lazy. She's currently speeding towards that wall because she'll never exert any effort to take care of herself because she's never exerted any effort in her life. everything's been handed to her in hopes of getting a free passage to Narnia. get it while you can boys. She's going bad quick like a banana in the fridge.
3. Dragon cunt-. This bitch had a body like no other. perfect ass. She also had IBS and we'd be on dates and she'd have to go find a bathroom and take horrid shits. Her vagina also stank. It wasn't that she was unclean, I had seen her wash it (i even helped a lot of the time) it just smelled just very vagina-y. it was too much. it smelled like she had been foot fucked by a marathon running leper who had lost some toes in there two weeks ago. Now, I love eating pussy, but after our first date I never went down on her again. She also turned out to be nuttier than one of George Washington Carver's turds. Certifiably insane. She had no tolerance for alcohol. 3 beers and her brain would shut off and she would turn in to her "other" personality. You ever know someone that develops another personality when they get shithoused? I nicknamed her's "Brittany". One time she was sloppy drunk and put on some Brittany Spears and did a strip tease, trying to seduce me. Yeah, baby there's nothing sexier than a slobbering, stumbling drunk with a smelly bajango. My penis was never softer.
Now, you just have to ask yourself what you want out of life. If you want to spend your years chasing really hot pussy, you'll probably succeed in fucking some pretty hot girls if you follow our relationship advice. Eventually you will get old and lonely and wish that you had strove for more meaning in your life. But if you want to have a meaningful relationship with a woman that you can love and respect as your equal and who you can both help along in life and share a beautiful experience with, then pull your head out of your own ass, fucktard, and stick your tounge up your girlfriend's flat ass, then kiss her on the mouth, tell her you love her, pull her hair, throw her down on the bed and make sure she's satisfied each and everyday! OR give me her number and I'll console her while you're out fucking strippers. By the way, what the fuck do you look like? I'm sure you're a real catch. you know, we as men are lucky that any of these fine ass women will even consider fucking us. We're all hairy an shit with beer guts and receding hair lines and we smell like old locker rooms and balls. PLUS! you live in Jonesboro you dumb shit! There's like, one semi hot girl that even lives there! Troubled in Jonesboro? Isn't that redundant? Oh you sure have big problems! Your girlfriend is 100% awesome but only 85% smoking hot! They should do telethons for you like they do for starving African children with flies on their faces. You have real problems my friend. Consider yourself the luckiest guy in Arkansas, count your blessings and quit sending me submoronic shit not worthy of my time.
Ahhh Jonesboro, where dreams go to die. If you are from Jonesboro then you probably won't be able to read this but seeing as I can not write this using only shapes and colors you will just have to try and keep up. There is no man on the planet that is good enough for his woman. Period. Women are beautiful creatures. They are soft, have boobies, are genetically predisposed to take care of other people, generally good smelling, and are very in tune with long term decisions. Men are not stupid and I am not going to kiss anyone's ass with that old "women are so much smarter than men" bullshit, but I will say that it constantly amazes me that women put up with any of our shit ever. If I was a woman I would be a pager toting, box munching, line-backer of a lesbian before I would deal with any of the shit ladies put up with from us. So mostly, you should be happy as fuck that any woman is interested in spending time with you. period. You are not worth it.Mostly what you are suffering from is what I like to call "the grass is greener" syndrome. This refers to the statement "the grass is greener on the other side of the lake" but in this case I am not talking about grass, I am talking about ladies and their delicate parts. You are from Jonesboro so hopefully that was easy to comprehend and your helmet isn't causing you problems while you read. Many times, a person will be in a happy, average to good relationship and meet another person and their mind starts tick-tick-ticking away. You invent a fictitious relationship in your head that isn't real and is therefore perfect. "She wouldn't mind when I came home wasted at four in the morning. He would love to watch American Idol with me. She would let me blow loads in her face and tell her friends my dick was gigantic. He would cook for me and clean the house. etc." This is total bullshit. It never works that way because the only place that person lives is in your brain. But when you are in a relationship you can convince yourself that you are either "settling" or could do better. Normally though, when you cross the lake the grass on the other side is shitty, thinks it is going to be a writer so can't possible get a job to help you pay rent (some one with so much talent can't work like all of the other uncultured fucks that haven't read a James Joyce novel), gets violently drunk, lies that some one tried to rape and kidnap them, doesn't flush the toilet after taking a monster shit, and just sucks in general. At this point you can appreciate your original grass for what it is but your original grass has moved on and is fucking your friend. Now you are fucked. Stuck in a shitty yard that leaves maxi-pads in the sink while your awesome yard moves to Wisconsin to get fucked by a minor league baseball player. So, enjoy what you have.
When you reach a certain age you begin to appreciate what you have and not pine for what you don't. I don't need much. All i need is a woman who does not weigh more than me, will occasionally leave me alone, can talk about things besides other girls being bitches and fashion, and will semi-regualrly let me make sweet, sticky love to her in the style of the dog. Do I need a woman who hums "old man river" on my ball-sack?: No. Do I need a woman that lactates ginger ale?: No. Do I need a woman that can tie her body into a pretzel so you feel like you are having sex with a knot of some description?: No. Would these things be cool?: probably. But why in the name of Christian Fucking Walker would you give up a perfectly good woman just because she didn't shit strawberry laffy taffy? So what if your woman does not have the perfect ass? Everything else about her seems great so what's the problem? I'll bet you fart in front of her and giggle (because it's funny, no judgement here) but do you think chicks like that shit? She's imagining you raising something that came out of her vagina-tummy and you are acting like a six-year-old. Fuck you dude. You are what's wrong with America.
Being that I am now pleasantly pissed I can say that nothing would make me happier at this moment than finding out that you are sterile. If Hagrid came to my house right now and told me I was wizard, then gave me a bag full of money, then told me the bag was also magic and could turn anything I put into it into a DVD of Monster Squad, then turned my house into a castle and transported the castle to middle-earth where I would apprentice under Gandalf for six months or so before becoming a badass, staff wielding motherfucker myself it still wouldn't make me happy as you not being able to breed. I take it back, I want you to be able to have children but when your woman gives birth all that comes out is a a bag of marshmellow peeps and a sign that says "you will get pneumonia and die on Thursday." And none of the peeps have asses either. And they all get pregnant at thirteen and you have to raise your assless/half marshmellow grandchildren because their father is touring in a jam band. Be happy that there is a woman in Jonesboro that anyone would consider "awesome" and just leave it at that. If you want to see big asses so bad just watch some fucking porn and then go back to your great relationship.
Fuck man, why are you focusing on the ass in the first place? "Sure man, she does everything perfect, is hot as fuck, complements me perfectly, is awesome to be around, but you know, the thing that actual turdshit comes out of isn't really doing it for me." Are you fucking kidding me? Would you turn down a mansion on the beach in Hawaii because the septic tank was a little smaller than you are used to? All of the poor bastards in this world that got knocked up by a drug dealer because they were a little careless as a teenager, found out a little to late that their honey-pie is a raging alcoholic but can't afford to get a divorce, or married a person that just up and decides one day that their life calling is to blow glass pipes and sell them at Widespread Panic shows and you are bitching about a great woman with a "smaller than you would like" ass? What the fuck. My perfect woman exists but you know what she doesn't have?, a god damn army of ninjas at her beck and call that would fuck any body up that I wanted. You should be happy that this is the case or your dumb-ass would be up to your nipple hair in ninjas right now. And these ninjas are the cool kind. They won't just kill you. They will bury you in a pit of fire ants and pepsi clear with nothing but the Cosmo surveys on "how to please your man" to read. Let you suffer like that for just long enough that you pray for death, then let you out and give you 10 grand and tell you it was just a test. Then, when you get comfortable and finally out of therapy for the post traumatic stress syndrome the ninjas and fire ants induced and have settled down in a nice apartment in an older neighborhood (nothing too expensive but it does have built in bookshelves which is just fabulous, and your neighbor is an interesting old man that tells stories about the war and collects stamps) they re-appear out of no-where and cut your fucking head off with blazing ninja speed and ferocity. BOOM. ninjafied.
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