Why even bother?

Why even bother?

 I’m a 33 year old single woman, no children, gainfully employed. I’ve accepted the fact that I will die alone (I got a cat) but my friends and family can’t seem to make sense out of my intention to stay this way. They say I’m too young to be this jaded (sure) but that’s not it!  I've formed so many little idiosyncracies that it would be impossible to clue some straggler into my personal world; and naïve to think that this ‘perfect person’ would want to suffer through a re-telling of my life anyway. Add that to the weariness that comes from all those failed relationship attempts and I easily tire of having to explain myself: where the fuck I went to high school, what’s my favorite color, what are you doing next Tuesday, blah blah blah…

 My question is a 3-parter

1) Is it weird to just check out like this?  Just one day say you’re done with the bullshit and mean it? I haven’t been laid by anything other than technology in so long you’d think I was nursing a raging STD, but I don’t have to go meet some fool up at the windjammer and pay for his drinks either.  I can go to my local jack-shop and pre-select whatever penis size I want.  I can throw $50 worth of fizz in the tub, lounge for an hour, then take a friend out to dinner. I can listen to all of her child/husband related bullshit and congratulate myself for being a clever bitch . No awkward first fucks, no monthly countdown for my period because your dumb ass forgot to pull out, and no random “did this assclown just give me the herps” terror. 

Also- Erasure can be played whenever I feel like it…

2) Is it healthy??  Every other aspect of my life is full and vibrant, but I worry I’ve been programmed since I was a little girl to expect an outcome that I now refuse to even consider. I can't help that I prefer my vibrator to random drunken hook-ups (the last guy pissed in my closet)  and I know I'll never find some new breed of Midtown boy who managed to make it out of the 90s disease/wife/child/addiction free. So,will I be harmed by forcing frigidity?? 

3) Why is being a single woman in her 30s such a problem? I'm not trolling for ass- where's the threat- I'm not bothering anyone!  Folks see a cute lady, unravaged by the effects of motherhood and wifedom, and automatically want to call her a lesbian or couple her up. I don't think finding Mr. Right is worth my time, (I'm pretty sure I'll find the Easter Bunny faster anyway)

Truth: No matter how cute he is now, he will turn into a beer gut with a pulse and a penchant for pork rinds. 

 I look to you doctors…

Holy fucking Jesus Christ. Your game is fucking tight. I think I just came. I think you might be the perfect woman for me (except you're about 10 years too old). I have to break your letter down on piece at a time.

I have spent many years taking a zen approach to dating, and my mantra was handed down to me by my zen master, Phil Collins. He said "I don't care anymore" on the first track from his 1982 solo debut "Hello I Must Be Going". It takes discipline, but if repeated many times the meaning of this mantra will sink in to your heart. In every other area of your life the ways to achieve what you want is to be diligent and steadfast in the pursuit of your goal EXCEPT when it comes to love. When it comes to love you have to not give a fuck if you have it or not and only then will you find it.
 You caught my attention and I've never even seen you. You might look like the mom from the Goonies, but I sure wanted to fuck your email. Here's where you rule.

1. You're not a talker? Are you really even a woman because I never met a woman that knew when to shut up. I actually think the perfect woman for me would only communicate with points, grunts and gestures. Like, she would point at my dick and then her fuckhole and grunt. I just came again thinking about it. 
You don't want to explain your idiosyncrasies, your life story or yourself in general? Amazing, because no one wants to hear that shit anyways. Unless your stories involve killing bears with a mint toothpick in the Yukon, or getting sent in to Vietnam to rescue a group of POWs like John Rambo, we just don't give a fuck. Unless your life is more interesting than mine, I don't want to hear about it. Wake me up when this amazing story about your mother's spoon collection is over and we can get to naked time. I've got shit to do.

2. You gave me a mental visual of you fucking yourself with a dildo in the bathtub.

3. You are proud of yourself for not having kids yet, instead of being one of those women who is proud that they destroyed a man's life and now he will never make anything of himself. Most women see it as a trophy when they have a man that is broken down and going to a shit job he hates everyday to make her and her gross offspring comfy.  I'm proud of you for not feeling entitled to increase the carbon footprint with loud, booger eater's just to keep up with all your loser high school friends.

4. However, you may have just given yourself away as a gay man because you listen to Erasure. you totally ruined my boner.

5.Fuck what everyone else thinks. they just want to drag you down in their misery. They see a healthy, self sufficient woman and it scares them. All these desperate motherfuckers are trying to give meaning to their lives, they're trying to be validated, but they're just sad, pathetic and weak. Keep on doing like you're doing and maybe one day you'll run in to someone who is perfectly content with themselves as well and maybe y'all can help each other get shit done, and do some really nasty fucking. There is no ideal partner. The ideal is a you that doesn't need a partner. You don't really need a Love Translator. I think you speak the language just fine.

Now, if you could just send a photo to the same email address that you posted this, full body shot please, and your phone number I'd like to contact you for a personal, one on one session. I can bring my clean bill of health from the Health Department, and you can bring along some of your dildos. We cannot however, listen to Erasure.

Holy dick,shit, and balls. This is far and above the best email that has ever been sent to us. If you were auditioning for a role as the female voice for the Translators then you have aced the test. You must be like Harper Lee or the guy that wrote the bible but with bigger titties. Well done madam, well done. 

        To start, I don't think that it is weird that you have decided to check out of the dating game. I personally hate the dating game and everything it entails. You have to listen to the same dumb fucking story over and over only with different people telling it. "Yeah, when I get out of college I'm moving to New York to work in the fashion industry (I guess being a clerk at the Gap sort of counts). You know, I'm too smart to just work, I'm going to be a writer (you know writing is harder than most jobs and usually pays dick and crackers). What's a utility bill? It's exhausting. I don't miss it at all. Moron after moron fall in your lap and you give it a shot because who knows, maybe this dipshit is different. But as it turns out they are 99% useless doucheturds that are wildly mislead about their abilities and have no clue what actual life feels like. 

        And you are correct, selling yourself fucking sucks. "I like blue, I like to paint, I have three degrees, I am a fully qualified tailor, I have played in bands for 17 years, I like animals, pizza, chicken nuggets, and movies about aliens and sharks. Not interested. Thanks." Repeat two-hundred-thousand times. The worst part about selling yourself is that often times people don't want to buy it. 

        I worked with a woman that was in her mid-fifties, had never been married, and loved it. She told me one day that the longer you live by yourself the harder it gets to live with a partner. You become particular about your shit and your routine and it is gets to the point that it isn't worth it changing your life around to accommodate some one else. So it's not a stretch to think that you are totally fine with being alone. 

        Now that I have finished blowing you I would like to point out some things that you may not be aware of. The problem with being old and spinsterish is that you never come to realization that most of your problems really don't matter. Being in a relationship allows you to put things in perspective, good or bad. Bad relationships teach you what you don't want out of life (you seem to have nailed that one) but good relationships teach you that things like personal pride and preferences need to be put aside on occasion for the greater good. An old single person will flip the fuck out when their salad comes out without the correct type of dressing. People in relationships will just ask for a new one. This is because people in relationships understand that there are more important things to worry about, like why do have to take up 82% of the fucking bed we share. Seriously, are you an albatross because when you go to sleep you suddenly develop and thirty-two foot wingspan. Also, when the toilet paper runs out you can replace it. 

       When you spend all of your time thinking about yourself you become a selfish shithead. Here's a news flash: your shit does not matter. "Why does every guy suck, why can't I find someone perfect, blahblahblah." Have you tried looking in a mirror? Maybe it's you? When you break 19,000 wine glasses it's not that people don't make things as durable as they used to, it's because you are clumsy as fuck. You can't find a good dude in Midtown Memphis? Oh no shit really? That's because all of the people in midtown that are of age and worth a shit have grown the fuck up. Try looking some where before 2:30 in the morning. 

       If you are happy get after it. None of this matters anyway. In a few billion years the sun will go red-giant and consume the Earth in fire so who gives a shit. Enjoy your cat and dildos but don't come crying to me when you are 87, break your hip and get eaten by your cats and my kids and I laugh at the story on the news. Because my kids will certainly be as big assholes as myself. Great email. Lesbo.