Threesome

Love Translators,


   I wanna have a threesome with my girlfriend and another chick, but she won't say yes unless I agree to one with another dude. Since that is gay and she knows I would never agree to such a thing, this is her clever way of saying no. I need to know the best approach to talk her into a threesome with another chick.


  


  First, is the dude's dick bigger than yours or shaped like a long talk about feelings and the future? If so, failure. If not give it a throw. Just look that little one-eyed bastard in the eyes and say: "I'm better than you Mr. Wiener. Where you fail, I will succeed. Two wangs enter, one wang leaves. SPIN THE WHEEL RAGGITY MAN!" As these words are being typed I asked myself, "Would I do that?" The answer is a resounding fuck-to-the-no. The minute some other dude slapped my woman on the ass and said "frankenberry" I would be wearing his colon as a hat, violently. I am pretty sure that three-ways only work in porn. When you have enough cocaine and viagra in your system to keep China thumping for the next hundred years it's easy to handle two ladies but in the real world of actual sex you might as well try to get a squirrel to bring you some cool ranch Doritos. You see, finding one clitoris is hard enough. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's a myth. Like unicorns or democracy, it just doesn't exist. If there really was a god that was loving and caring there would be a great big bulls-eye on that bastard and a neon sign that said "punish me." Last time I checked that was not the case. That is, of course, if assume that god is all about the ladies gettin' theirs which, as a devout scientologist, I'm pretty sure he doesn't. If the great lord Zarthanustista wanted ladies to enjoy sex he wouldn't have made them on the third level of Karthasturonica right? If your lady is willing to let you bang some other chick it only seems fair that you let her taste the sausage from another beau. How about you learn how to sextify (combination of mystify and sex) one woman before you double down. If you jump in too quick all you succeed in doing is gaining a story about how this one time you disappointed two women at once. It's best put this way: give me one person and I will give you the perfect human, give me two and I will give you a loving relationship, give me three and I will say: "get your dick away from my property or I will feed it to a polar bear." By property I mean loving partner. Think about it, do you really want your buddy Chet's semen in your hair. Your hair, not some stranger. You've worked hard on that faux-hawk. Keep that shit tight. All praise to Zarthanustista bitches.


Hold up there, Sparky! Let's talk about this! It's obvious since you are asking that you are unsatisfied. You want to bring some variety into your miserable sex life. Let me guess, you and your girlfreind have been dating for three years now? That's about the time where you both start watching tv and smoking cigarettes while you fuck. You've traversed every inch of your lady and now you want to "spice things up" with another woman. Yet, your homophobia is standing in your way of glory. Let me tell you something sir, you just gave yourself away. I have infallible gaydar. You are trying to affirm your masculinity by bringing another "chick" in to it when really you are a manramming flamebake who desires all of the Castro to explore your manhole. lets break you down, shall we?
  
   First of all, you are dissatisfied with your woman sexually, which really means you are dissatisfied with her on every level. But you won't break up with her because you have "feelings". Only women and gay men have feelings. There is nothing gay sir about calling up your best buddy and Eiffel towering your woman during Nascar. In fact nothing you did in a three way with another guy would be officially considered gay by the OFFICIAL GAY RULEBOOK 2011 EDITION except kissing and looking him in the eyes. I just looked it up. It's right there between "earring in the right ear" and "watching Twilight movies with your shirt off". You're really afraid that you'll look over at Todd's giant member and swear off women all together. Truly non gay men are so secure in there masculinity that they could DP someone with one of their homies and not feel weird about it. I mean, how is that any more gay than watching football? "Ooh look at all these men tackling each other! I'm so sporty"! I mean, at least there's a vagina involved.
I say, bring your buddy in to the bedroom. everyone have a good time. Then bring another girl in to it and fulfill that fantasy. Everyone wins. Your best friend got laid, you got to have two women at once and you forever have a card to play at any time. Whenever you get sick of the relationship you could either say "I can't believe you fucked my best friend!" and leave, or you can say "I think I'm gay". Which you are. Your straight guise is digital, but you are truly analog because you desire a log up your anus.