Wednesday, February 9, 2011

good choices are hard to make.

Dear Love Translators
 I recently went home in the a.m. might i add with this chick. Things started to get to the point when she says she has something to tell me. She then says she has a std of the herp variation. I was nice about the situation but regretfully informed her that nope not gonna happen. You know i thought maybe she would at least jerk me off or something but nothing then she the next day talked shit saying im fat and stuff. Because of my choice what do you masters of the love think??? 
                   Signed .. I can lose weight, but you will always have the herp


For the most part I believe you made the correct decision in every way. Now, some people might have not been as generous as this strumpet about letting you know so kudos to you infectotron 4000, way to herp up. You know, it's fucked up that there are people out there who tell another that they have herpes and then still get fucked. Love rarely lasts forever. Sure, you may love them (or just really really really want to fuck them) right now but what's tomorrow going to bring. Hell, best case scenario is you fall in love and live your lives and then she ups and fucking dies on you and then you have to finish your golden years taking budget ass Valtrex brands because that's all medicare will cover. Then at some point you go into a nursing home and some 22 year old shithead who is just working there to support his drug habit starts stealing it because he, like you, made a horrible choice. Then you live out your final days watching daytime television with sores or your dick. What's even worse is people out there don't tell others. I honestly believe that you should be able to legally murder some one who does not tell you shit like that. No kidding. That is the worse possible thing you can do to another human being. Here's how I would have handled the situation. (Chick) "Ummm, I have something to tell you, I have herpes." (Me) "In your mouth?" (Chick) "Yes, there too." (Me) "What about in-between your boobies?" (Chick) "You can't get them there." (Me) "Well then I figured out how we can spend our evening. Let's watch Benjamin Button and then I'll titty-fuck you back to Switzerland. Also, I don't own Benjamin Button." (Chick) "Well that's really inconsiderate, what about my feelings." (Me) "Get the fuck out." If you are one of those who has been unfortunately herped upon then you should never even let it get out of the bar. Just be open with that information and every one's life is a little easier. You don't have to deal with a person jumping up and down screaming "dodged a bullet there, thank you lord, thank you lord!" at 3 A.M. and they don't have to get excited about the sex that they won't be having. "But what if I really like someone and am just too afraid to tell them because they might not like me anymore." Death. "Well then how am I going to meet people?" Try H-date.com. Herpes dating sight. Everybody wins. Now, if the person with the herp told you and you fucked them any way that shit is on you. If you went to a used car lot and the salesman said "she's a great car and cheap but driving it will put sores on your dick FOREVER" and you still bought it because it looked great at that moment then you are an idiot.  Truth is, that shit is horrible and I feel heart-felt sorrow for any one with it. But with great herps comes great responsibility and you have to embrace that. Fatty-fatty-no-friend's lady did so good for her. Her making fun of you because you are overweight should not really bother you at all. You are, in fact, a great big fat bastard but at least you never have to say "I have something to tell you." Or if you do it will be followed by "I'm having a heart attack because I am fat, disgusting piece of shit." I will forever and hence forth think of you as Neo because you sir can dodge a bullet. Well done. Now go enjoy another box of Butterfingers and your herpless dick, the best gift ever. 




There is nothing on earth that scares me more than the "red badge of courage" or the "gift that keeps on giving". Every time I pee I bend over and inspect every inch of my dick and pray to the gods that for one more day my most prized possession is healthy. You made a great choice, fat ass. If you had fucked her you may have been in for a bumpy ride.
   Although admirable that she told you, and didn't just let you go to town she is still a heinous bitch who deserves her affliction. You guys should never have made it into the bedroom before that information was divulged. She was counting on the fact that you were drunk and desperate and probably would strap on a rubber and go to town anyways. Most people would, because most people ARE desperate and think that sex is the end-all-be-all of human experience. Desperation is actually the leading cause of STDs, pregnancies, marriages, late night drunken texts and fat people getting laid. Desperation is caused by insecurity which is caused by the fact that you're a fucking ugly, fat loser. I digress. Rubbers break or slip off, and sometimes you can get infected from contact with the general area. One time a I had a rubber slip off me and I hammered it so far up there it took her two weeks to find it. She eventually pooped it out.
   I can't believe she didn't jerk you off. She's willing to give you a disease that will last for the rest of your life, but not willing to give you an old fashioned for 15 minutes? There's a whole slew of other naughty things you could have done that didn't involve penetration. Like dressing up in Starfleet commander uniforms and masturbating at each other from across the room.
   Did you know that one out of 5 people in the U.S. are infected with genital herpes? That's one in 3 in midtown and one in 2 if you hang out at the P and H. The good thing is that with modern medicine you can still go mountain biking and roller blading and rock climbing like they do in the commercials. I used to hate it when I would rock climb before and my blisters would break open on a rocky outcropping, soaking my shorts in blood and dick chud. Oh wait, did I just say me? No, I meant this guy that I know. He hates that shit.
   All I know is that personally, I never want to have that conversation that she had with you. But it could easily happen to any of us. Why don't they ever do any "race for the cure" 5ks for herpe victims? All I know is that I love raw doggin, and one day I want to meet somebody and after both of our test results come back negative, raw dog the shit out of them into the sunset.

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