Every time I have sex with my boyfriend he bites and leaves bruises on my left titty...not my right. This leads me to believe that he is only attracted to my left titty and feels my right one is ugly and not worthy of his attention. My left one is technically "the bigger titty" however this leaves ugly and uneven bruises. Please give me some advice on how to make both of my titties attractive to him or keep him from biting just the left.
Signed,
Under-appreciated Righty
I suppose you're just laying there like a dead fish trying to use some sort of Jedi mind trick to guide his mouth over you neglected mammary, huh? Well it's time to get pro active. Smack him right across the face with that under used titty. That's right, mercilessly beat him about the face and body with your breasts to teach him a lesson. Take charge and force that titty into his mouth for being such a naughty boyfriend. Naughty naughty neglectful boyfriend! You see, it's not his fault. Most of us just get so caught up in the heat of passion. we're so engrossed in the wonderfulness of this titty in our mouths that we forget that God has blessed us doubly with another one right next to it! I'm gonna put 'em both in my mouth! Motorboat! Motorboat!!!!! Thank you Jesus for your infinite love and wisdom! You hath made all things good!
Oh my god, your right titty? What kind of sick, malevolent tramp are you. Every one knows that the right titty is the forbidden titty. It's worse than homosexuality or democrats in the eyes of the lord. You see, years ago in the garden of Eden (this is all in the Bible, the blu-ray collectors edition) Eve was doing this wicked dirty pole dance for Adam. Gettin' all vertical and shit. When lo' the angel of the lord spoke and said "make it rain bitch, earn this shit." Thus Eve began to earn that shit. Gettin' all crazy and flexible, crawlin' on the floor like a dog. Things got heavy and Eve put her RIGHT titty in the angel's mouth. This was right when god walked in. Understandably, he was totally pissed. So it was decreed, "Thou shalt not suckle on the right titty, henceforth know as boobiticus satanicus (the devil's booby, it's Latin, look it up). Also during the middle ages, men realized that when standing in front of a woman, face to face, the hand naturally grabs the LEFT titty causing men to believe it was chivalric destiny to only squeeze the left titty. During the Salem witch trails people who were left handed were thought to be possessed by the devil. What titty does a left handed man naturally grab? THE RIGHT TITTY!! DEVIL TITTY!!! Remember the superbowl a few years ago when Janet Jackson showed her titty and the FCC got all bat shit and the country went nuts? Right titty. The left titty is the sacred titty of text and is to be given all the glory of the Earth and tweaked, and squeezed, and lovingly caressed, and made to feel loved. The right titty is a demon straight from hell and is to be punished. I like to pinch the shit out of it. So why would you even ask for advice on something so horrible. It's like asking someone how to best kill their wife (a light saber) or how one should commit suicide (those fences at the bear thing at the zoo aren't that hard to get over, you gotta want it) so I am sure that your husband will love whatever you get him for his birthday, especially if it ends in "lowjob." Good luck.
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