All backed up...

My live in girlfriend discovered that I sometimes look at porn on my computer when she's not home. She says it's the same as cheating because I'm fantasizing about another woman. She says if I continue, she will leave me. What should I do?
                                          
       Thoughts are just thoughts. How is thinking about another woman cheating? Is thinking about a hot dog eating? If I think about work will I get paid? No and no. I am currently doing both yet I have no hot dog in my tummy and no money in my pocket. Thoughts are not action nor are they fact, they are just thoughts. The problem is with porn. When I was a young man porn was taboo. It was hard to find. You had to search that shit out. Most dudes had a VHS tape or stack of mags hidden some where. It was great because it was forbidden and dirty. These days there is too much porn. Have you ever been in a porn store. It is quite possibly one of the grossest places in the universe. The workers are always creepy as shit or have tattoos on their faces. Don't even think about going to the booths. The floors have what I pray to god is honey all over them and if you can't enjoy some "alone time" at home then just eat a candy bar or something.
        Now, 98% of the internet is porn. It has no taboo any more. Do I occasionally watch porn, sure. Do I feel weird and creepy every time, probably. Now, if you are enjoying five to ten minutes of porn every now and then what's the big deal. You are probably free, 21, and American so get after it. Are you (A) watching porn but not masturbating? Like actually watching the movie for the "plot." (B) Not having sex with your girlfriend because you are watching porn? (C) Actually convincing yourself that the shit in porn is how life should be? (D) Watching anything made in Germany or Japan and not because it's funny? If any of those apply to you then you are the problem.
       I would like to address these individually. (A) you are allowed to watch 5 to 10 minutes of porn without being a creep. Exceptions are: hanging out with a bunch of dudes drinking beer and making fun of it and research for a dissertation or something (why you are researching porn is another can of crazy but whatever). (B) really dude, real sex versus a keyboard. should explain itself. (C) Stop it. I delivered pizza. Never once did I go up to a house where there was a naked slumber party going on with practice make-out sessions and have them say "I crave your man-love." Also, lesbians are not interested in you, that's why they are called LESBIANS. (D) just nasty. just wrong, nasty and foul. like garbage juice or "Friends."
      If none of these apply then it is your woman. She needs to lighten the fuck up and realize that porn is not cheating. Have you tried explaining that you are a man and that shit is gonna happen sometimes, it's physics. Or, did you know that there is a history tab on your web browser? You can use that to delete sites you have visited you idiot. That way, you watch a little naughty and she doesn't have to see it. Everyone wins.
P.S. If you have a child that grows up to be in porn you have failed.
P.P.S. Those videos where they "just meet some chick on the street" or "pay the maid to clean topless but it leads to sex" are bullshit. You know that right? In the real world that's called sexual assault.



OK, fine. But she has to get rid of all her "women porn". Toss those fucking Twilight books and movies. Rip that detachable shower head out. Find her drawer of vibrators and toss that shit out too.
  See, guys and girls are wired differently. We get turned on visually. Women get turned on by these things called "feelings". We just wanna look at it an smell it. They want to think about it and play this weird game with it and make it all complicated an shit. She should be happy you're dropping your load at home and not walking around everywhere with a loaded gun. In fact, you're the only one doing anything constructive in the relationship and she's being an overbearing Controlly Mcghee Mega Bitchface 8000. Doesn't she know that semen backed up in your system causes pimples? That's what pimple juice is. Backed up semen. Bullshit, it is. That shit is science, dawg. I've got degrees. Why do you think nerds are stereotypically pimply? And also, the more often you blow your wad the longer you can last in bed. So you're trying to improve your sex life too, and she's being Heinous Cuntbucket ControlTzar 9Billion. No wait, I got it. Tell her this. When sperm get too old, they get weaker. The more you ejaculate, the more new, fresh sperm cells are produced and the more likely the woman is to get pregnant. Tell her, you're trying to make your sperm more potent because you want to have a baby with her because she's your Super Special HoneyBear Face 2500 and you want to be linked with her for eternity. You can be her sparkly vampire for a lifetime of sullen brooding and pensive emotional expression. That ought to scare her away... If she doesn't like that, then tell her that if she was a giant robot from outer space her name would be Cuntron the Complaininator and Destroyer of Good Times.