I have a big date this weekend and I was wondering how I should know when a good time to kiss her for the first time?
This is so sweet. I love watching the younger generations find out about love and relationships. Alright buddy, here's the deal, it's been a long time since I was at that stage of my life so I may be a little rusty. I'm pretty sure that the kiss comes sometime around the scene in Jurassic Park where the T-Rex is chasing the Jeep. Wait a minute. The fingering usually starts during the velociraptor thing. Which one is second base? Is that dry-humping or is it over-the-bra-yet-under-the-shirt? I don't know kid, it's before the fingering but after that one dinosaur spits in the fat guy's face. See, that's what I would have said to a kid, but you are obviously a pathetic, inept, grown-ass-man. How do you know a good time to kiss her? How about this, when you come out of your drunken stupor with your dick in her mouth. That's a good sign. Who fucking dates any more? Memphians specialize in a first date called the "go home from a bar and fuck" date. Here's how it works: First, you go to a bar. Second: you drink in between six to ten beers. (Less than six and you are not your usual awesome self, more than ten and you are a little drunk and desperate)Third: start talking to a chick about anything, preferably a drunk-ish chick. Fourth: at about 2:30 in the morning say "you want to go watch a movie or something." Fifth: fuck her. Somewhere in between step three and five there might be a first kiss in there or not, who cares. This is what passes for a date these days. When I think about it, i have no clue what it would be like to go on a date. "So, what do you do?" "Do you perhaps enjoy the musical stylings of Slayer?" "What are your feelings on the age-old art of fellatio?" Really, it's 2011. Unless you are a church going teenage pussy the act of dating is gone and fucking gone and gone some fucking more. So, how should you know when to kiss her? When you wake up in the morning hung-over as ballcrap, give her a kiss on the cheek right before you say "thank you for that vagina ride." If I were you sir, I would stock up on porn and video games because just asking this question proves that you are fucked in all the wrong ways. Have fun at the methodist singles night dickfart. 
I would say after the sausage and onion pizza, but before she throws it up along with all the Zimas you've been funneling down her throat. So what mall did your mom drop you guys off at? I would steer clear of the Southland mall and Raleigh Springs. The Mall of Memphis is a big field now, but you can have a picnic there if you enjoy eating on corpses. Dating is a lost art. Here's a little film that may help.I remember my first date. Big Charlene was 16 and I was 12...come to think of it, this may be considered statutory rape, but that's the sexy kind right? She just layed there like a lifeless beached whale and made me do all the work. It was a horrible experience and scared me away from having sex for two whole weeks! Nowadays, two weeks without sex is officially a drought.
Preparation for a date is the tricky part. First, find out if she has any communicable diseases. Usually asking "are you clean?" is the only sure fire way to know for sure. Make sure you trim your pubes with your mom's gardening shears....you don't want to give those pesky crabs a place to party. Make sure you powder your balls with Gold Bond. Not only does it make them smell fresh, but it feels like a thousand angels giving you kisses down there. Make sure you have enough money. You can impress her by allowing her to order anything off the dollar menu! Make sure you take a fat dump BEFORE you shower in preparation for your date. You don't want to have gas and have them farts rolling off a loaf and it all just baking in your pants. This is not sexy. Make sure you bring plenty of condoms! You don't want your second date to be the abortion clinic.
I recommend kissing within the first 20 seconds of the date. That way you don't have to do all that "talking" and stuff. Hope this helps!
No comments:
Post a Comment