I have been on five or six dates with this girl and she still hasn't had sex with me. How long should I wait before I either make a move or give up?
Dear asshole, instead of directly answering your stupid question with a number I would like to propose an alternate idea. All you need is a clean pair of socks, a little free time, and a in-depth understanding of theoretical quantum physics. Here's what you do: figure out how to successfully create and maintain a wormhole in the fabric of the space-time continuum, build a time machine that allows to travel through this wormhole back in time, and travel back to the bible study group or speed-dating group where you met this cooze and do not ask her out.Five or six dates? Really? What the fuck is wrong with you? How many times do you have to hear a woman talk about her dedication to jesus to realize that you are not getting laid? Let me guess, she has five or more cats and you've heard tons of stories about the CRAZY shit they do. "Oh wow, no kidding, Fluffy McKittenPaws made a weird face at you when you gave him Meow Mix instead of Iams? And then Meowa Angelu put her paws on your face when you were trying to kiss her on the nose!? What a nutty Saturday!" At what part in that date did you think "tonight is the night." How many times have you guys played Scattegories? My guess is six. Well that is six times too many. There has never been a game of Scattegories that lead to sex ever. "Yeah man, so the letter Q came up and we were all like "no way, Q, what word starts with Q?" so then I said "I know a word that starts with Q." and then she said "what word." then I said "assplay" and then banged the shit out of her."
Here are some hints that you could use in the future to avoid these kind of situations. (1) Avoid a woman with a strong male role model in her life. Whether it be father, step-father, brother, uncle, anything male really. You want a woman that hates every man in a position to influence her outlook on the world. Pure gold. (2) If she owns a stuffed animal of any kind. If she is an adult and owns a stuffed animal you are waking up with pain in your ballnuts. And besides, you think it's weird to get naked in front of a real dog, try having sex with Mr. Bunbunny staring at you with it's cold, dead eyes. (3) If she owns more than ten books. Out of those ten that are allowed a majority MUST be either twilight, Madonna coffee table books, or Cosmopolitan anthologies about "pleasing your man." Titles to avoid are anything without pictures, anything considered literature, philosophy, science, or female empowerment of any kind. (4) A vibrator. This one is counter-intiuitive. What you are looking for is a woman who compulsively engages in sex without joy or pleasure, i.e., nymphomaniac. You want to catch her right when her issues are taking hold but before she gets into porn or cocaine. (5) Opinions other than what other women look like. If she knows anything about politics or current events you should write her off as a lesbian and tell her to go back to Lilith Fair with the other girls that don't shave their pits.
So, if your first date is at Applesbee's and she asks you what "god's plan" is for you, you may want to re-think your options. It's hard out there but keep you chin up little guy, this is Memphis. As long as the Hi-Tone, the P&H, and the Buccaneer are open, you have a chance. If you are really getting desperate just go to a Memphis Collage of Art gathering. There you can hit the "get laid" trifecta: misguided belief that they are deep and ultra-intellegent, the idea that they are progressive and cutting-edge, yet no real knowledge of anything, ever, period. WIN-WIN-WIN. Or an "actress" that still waits tables at 36, same thing. Fish in a barrel kid. Did that answer your question? No. Well fuck you then, I could have spent this time watching sportscenter. Prick.
That shit is sexy, dawg. I love church girls. I guarantee you she's a freak. When the day finally comes she's gonna put on a Ronald McDonald outfit and stick a carrot up your ass. Personally, I love when women make me wait. It's fine. No, we can wait as long as you want. Because my sexifiaction is all spiritualated. I am like the wind and water, slowly eroding stone over eons. No, we don't have to do it now. We can take as much time as you need. But I'm gonna make you want to. Hold on, let me put on some music...There...isn't that better? Lemme just turn these lights down. Oh yes, light these candles. Let's take a shower. Shower together. I'll wash your body, you wash mine. Rub me down with some hot oils baby, and I'll do the same thing to you. I'm laying you down on the rug by the fire and feeding you grapes and fine cheeses and cornish game hen. We have just had too much wine. Lemme tell you all about yourself, girl. Wit'cha whole body all BLAM comin out the back like that. ooh, I gotta rub you down.Ooh and then all comin out the front all BLAMMO just so soft and big. And your whole brains and lemme just tell you all about' cher face...like an angel an shit. You take care of yourself, girl. Yous a bad bitch. I just gotta let you know, I'm feelin our souls all interminglin an shit. It's like we knew each other in a past life. Our souls have known eachother for eternity, probably. Just relax and let me just put my mouth all down here and stuff.......mmmmf.mm-fffmmmmmmmm(undecipherable)
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