Hating the Game

Dear Love Translators,
   As soon as me and my girlfriend broke up, girls have been all over me. The problem is that it's all girls that I am not attracted to in the least bit. Why is that? Why do the good ones seem to ignore me?


You know, I left your stupid question sitting in my inbox for too long becuse it is submoronic and not worth the time I'm taking to answer it. But, the questions have been slim lately, yet our fans have been clamoring for more ( I don't know why they just dont submit questions themselves). So here I am answering a question for some kid who's probably 15 and doesn't know his dick from his thumb. Why don't you ask me why they sky is blue? Or why Michael Bay gets to keep making movies? Here's your answer, but then I'd like you to answer me why your mom didn't go through with the abortion and does she regret it now?
    It is odd that girls have been all over you since you got single. Usually girls will be all over you when you have a girlfriend and as soon as you get single they scatter. Girls have a sense when someone is spoken for and it turns them on. I don't know how many of my past girlfriend's friends have tried to fuck me. Girls are catty like that. I think it's a power thing.
   The reason why the good girls ignore you is that you probably look at them with that wide eyed look of desperation that seems to be kryptonite for vagina. Women want a challenge. You are looking at them like you want to crawl up inside them and never come out. Stop it. The reason the girls you don't like are so attracted to you is because you are indifferent to them. Nothing makes a woman wetter than indifference. They should market it as a cologne. Indifference by Ralph Lauren. Here's a strategy: ignore the ones you actually like and incessantly call and text the ones you don't. I think it hurts a woman's ego to be ignored and they will make it a mission to prove that they can make you notice them. I know, it's a stupid fucked up game and I don't really want to play, but you can't win if you don't play. Being successful at love means sucking it up and lowering yourself to the level of the average mouthbreathing retard out there. Having an honest-to-god-I-like-you-you-like-me-let's-fuck-and-I'll-make-you-a-mixtape relationship is too advanced for most of these apes out here. Unfortunately you have to get all reverse psychological on people unless you want to fuck women that look like the old lady from the Goonies.


First off, I don't get what you are complaining about. If you just got single then what does it matter what these broads look like? Everyone knows there is a time honored tradition and routine that every man must go through when getting out of a relationship. Step one: Breakup. Step two: fuck everything with in a 25 mile radius of you in a drunken rampage that you will eventually regret and then even more eventually look back on fondly. Step Three: get tired of dumpster pussy and make a move towards something more concrete. Step Four: get pissed at the first decent lady that hangs out with you because you are still in drunken rampage mode and maybe every date doesn't need to be "get hammered and drunkfuck until you pass out." Step Five: Buy a Mazda Miata. They are pretty rad and nothing screams "put my balls in your mouth" more than a tiny ass, underpowered, fiberglass sports car. Step Six: Crash said Miata into a concrete bridge support on the interstate after you got loaded at a Fudruckers on Coors Light and some purple shooters while you were drunk dialing the Scarface lookin' bitch that you nailed immediately after your last relationship ended. Step Seven: Brief stint in jail followed by complete and total destruction of everything you built in your life to this point. Step Eight: Convert to Christianity in the hopes that being "born again" will look good on a resume. "Yes sir, I spent some time in prison but that was before I let Jesus into my heart." While some people are fooled on the inside you are still the pathetic fuck that you always were. Step Nine: Get fired after your religious facade is exposed for the garbage it is and start cooking crystal meth in the back of a U-Haul. Step Ten: By a new hat. Step Eleven: Start banging meth chicks. Sure they are skeletal and icky but they are always down to blow you and you already have the meth anyway so win-win. Step twelve: Find your meth soulmate and spend the remaining three years of your life smoking, swallowing your teeth, and fighting of the hordes of invisible  fire ants that will eventually drive you to suicide.
        I guess girls ignore you because you don't __________ or you have not ____________. Put what ever dumb excuse you want in the blanks. If you want a girl to notice you just walk up to here in the grocery store with your dick out and cram it into her eye socket. Some people may call that assault but I fucking promise that she will notice you. After a relationship can be a hard time. You want to show that useless bitch that ruined your life that you can bang hotter chicks than her but instead of doing just that you email us for advice. So how about this: make a woman notice you. Buy a guitar and start a band. Doesn't matter if you are good or not. Actually, the shittier you are the more likely it is that you will get laid. Hell, throw some herpes on top of your shitty band and you can't lose. It works for every touring musician I've ever met. The combination of shitty music and VD is like a bug light to any woman with three rum and cokes in her.
       In case you were wondering the post relationship steps for girls are as follows. Step One: lose weight and actually start looking good. You got complacent in your relationship but now you are back in reality and no one wants to take senorita fluffy gut home. I know people say "fat girls try harder" but that is bullshit. Crazy girls try harder, fat girls eat. Step two: Shave your junk. Just do it. Step Three: Go to any establishment and get on the horse. Now you are allowed 3-5 flings or multiple week "relationships" before you need to stop fucking. After 5 you become a slut. Step Four: who gives a shit. If you are lucky you caught her on step three and now it's time to get the fuck out. Let some other dick be the guy that dates the girl everyone has fucked.
        At any rate I don't care about your problems any more than I care about a tick on a hippos ballsack in the darkest jungles of the Congo. So if this helps you or not has absolutely no baring on my life what so ever. In fact, I alreafy forgot your question. Something about foot fetishes I think. Fuck it, dinners ready. Peace out bitches.