the ninth gate

Hey love translators,
                 My girlfriend won't let me put it in her ass. What the hell? You guys say you know shit so explain that. 








First off, little aggro there buddy. I'm just saying, if you were trying to stick it in my ass with that attitude then you might get cut. That being said lets address your main question: the back door, the stinky canoe, the canyon of the crescent moon, the gritty cavern, regardless of what you call it, it is the same place. The booty. I am assuming that you are somewhere in between the ages of 15 and 25. That is because that is the age group of heterosexual males that give a shit (yuck yuck) about plowing the poo cavern. Grown, straight men do not care about this. Why? Would you pick the charger that you have driven for ten years that you know rules and hauls ass or the firebird that is shiny and great looking but has an interior made out of shit and blood? If you are a young buck you might pick the firebird because you have never driven one but a seasoned vet will avoid it at any cost. When I was a kid I thought I had appendicitis so I went to the doctor. He took two fingers, shoved them directly up my ass, and said "does any thing feel strange." By doctor I mean the ice cream man but the end result is the same. "Well," I said, "other than your fingers in my ass?" I propose this, if you really want to go down that road, let your lady strap on a dildo and get after it. When she is done, if you still want to impart that kind of misery on her then go ahead. If not, shut your stupid mouth and count your blessings. Also, there is a direct relation to the mental stability of a woman and her willingness and enjoyment of ass-play. There is a geologic entity called a pellet. A pellet is a fossil piece of dung shat by a creature millions of years ago. The size of the pellet is in direct relation to the anal caliber of the creature that made it. Well, the likelihood that you wake up with your dick cut off and in your mouth is in direct relationship to the size of your woman's anal caliber. Ever seen a porn where a woman has a gaping abyss that would make Nietzsche quiver and think "boy, I want that person to have access to my bank accounts." Meditate on that. So many levels of knowledge: geology, philosophy, childhood trauma. Is my shit together or is my shit together. No pun intended.




Dear Anal Annihilator,
   So you want to park the sausage truck in chocolate town. Introduce one eye to brown eye. Take a trip up the Eerie canal. Drill for oil on the moon. Go up the down staircase. Have a meat saber duel with Darth Roid. Go dirt track racin'. Push Boba into the Sarlacc pit. Who wouldn't? This usually the first thing people do when they graduate to Dirty. There's three kinds of sex. Naughty, Dirty and Nasty. This falls under Dirty, but that's a lesson for another day.
   This is probably the question most often asked of me. Entry into the naughtiest of naughty places is something that takes time and finesse. Much like wind and water slowly erode rock over time, so must you be as the wind and the water. The reason so many women are afraid of ass play is that dudes just blunder in to it all willy nilly. Here's how it works. Next time you are making sweet love to your woman, simply reach around and place your middle finger right on her bungy. Not in it, mind you, just sit it right on there. Hopefully during the heat of passion she won't even know it. Then, gradually over time start exerting the slightest of pressure. This may be all you do the first time, but next time exert a little more. Eventually she will realize that it feels awesome. It's pretty elastic, but you slowly have to stretch it out over time.
   Some people claim it's unnatural, but there are nerve endings there capable of feeling pleasure as well as pain. That's why it feels pretty sweet when you take a dump. Well, just imagine if your dump pushed itself right back in and you could feel it over and over again. Sounds awesome, huh?
   After you have tried the slow patient route, if she still will not relax enough you may have to dump her. There are girls that absolutely love it out there....prefer it even...and if you've been reading our column and been putting our advice to work it should take you no time to find some little freak who's way in to it. I would suggest someone Japanese or German. Greek perhaps.

Mr.Pathetic

Dear love translators 

   im writing this in hope of good advise. I have been in my relationship for three years. It started off great she already had kids so it was instant family just add daddy. The first year was sex all the time every chance we had. After that stuff slowed down now its to the point of begging and her excuse is i dont feel sexy anymore or not in the mood. Dont know how much more i can take. What should i do?

                    
 Dear Pathetic,

   You are sorry as fuck on so many levels I just don't know where to begin. I'm about to have a fucking aneurysm. First off, why the fuck would you want to date someone with kids? Kids are the worst STD known to man. Kids in the equation brings the sexy factor to about zero. I dated a girl with a kid once. Little fucker kept coming in to the room asking "Mommy why is the bad man stabbing you with a sausage?" Why would you want to be a daddy to someone else's mistake? There's probably a good reason he's not around anymore, but you sound like a masochist sir, so whatever floats your boat.

   There's several reasons why she "doesn't feel sexy anymore". The first is that she's not. After popping all those kids out, her ragged out meat tunnel of a vagina is probably too big for any man short of the second coming of John Holmes to fill. You trying to fill that cavernous maw is like trying to throw a tic-tac down a hallway. This brings me to my next point She doesn't feel sexy because YOU DON'T MAKE HER FEEL SEXY. 9 out of 10 women think that a man begging is about the least fucking sexy thing on earth. Less sexy than the holocaust. But there is hope for you.

   Get your sexual fulfillment somewhere else. I don't care if you do it with porn, or a hooker...just get your rocks off elsewhere. Secondly, generally treat your woman with a cool indifference, but be just a little bit nice to her. Backup every compliment with a tiny insult. Say things like "Your face is so pretty to have such a stupid haircut", then walk away. She will start trying really hard to prove how sexy she is to you. I promise, this works.

I have a unique insight into your problems because I once lived with a girl who had a cat that she had adopted before our relationship began. That is the exact same thing as having children. This cat, Princess, was an asshole. She would stare at me while I was trying to eat, sleep on my favorite jacket and get her asshole hair all over it, and basically do all manner of asshole things. So what I did is start un-aggressively suggesting that cat might like to spend some time outside. After a while we would let the cat out for small periods of time. After a few months of this she left town for a weekend and I took the little bastard out into a field in Missouri and threw the asshole into a lake. When she got back I said "I don't know what happened, she must have ran away." The relationship ended two months later but the important thing from this story is fuck that cat, it was a dick. As per your woman not feeling sexy who gives a shit. I'm not sexy. I have a mole on my left side that looks just like Quato from Total Recall. Sexy has nothing to do with naked time. When was the last time you went in a Wal-Mart and saw the toxic avenger with 16 kids? The ugliest people in this country have the most children so it must be something wrong with you. Having you tried putting it in there when she's sleeping? Not that I condone rape but hey, desperate times and all that shit. If she wakes up and isn't interested just act like you are still sleeping and it's a disorder you developed in the marines or something. Then she will totally feel sorry for you and screw you anyway. Or just buy her a treadmill and say "I want you be sexy again." That works every time. Nothing makes a woman happier than when you show a vested interest in their health and well being. Have you tried saying things like "God I remember how beautiful you were." Women love taking strolls down memory lane. You know how every time any person at all wonders into your living room your woman pulls out the photo album from your wedding and starts showing them the picture the shithead photographer took of you puking behind the dumpster at Applebee's because you had one too many Coors' Lights and were trying to work up the courage to live another day. Sure, you said it was nerves but really, you saw your sad, sad life flash before your eyes and thought "the Mississippi River is only twenty minutes away and that bridge is really high." Sure, you woke up in the morning and went through with it but you were cold and dead in the deepest reaches of your soul and you know, from the bottom of your heart, that the light from the sun will never again penetrate that dark, dark place. So little trooper, just remember, summer is the time for lovers. A fall wedding is never a good idea. It might be cold or rainy. Hope that helps!!!

Grooming Issues

Dear Love Translators,


   My girlfriend refuses to trim herself in her bathing suit area. I have tried to drop small hints as to what is my preference and have done everything short of coming straight out and saying that I am grossed out by this. What should I do?
                                                                 ,Grooming Issues



Grooming Issues,
    I've seen a lot of this problem lately especially amongst mid town bar sluts and art students. It seems to be some sort of retro fad. You know, there's a reason why you never hear much about people having crabs nowadays...it's because most people are considerate of others when it comes to the "bathing suit area" as you so eloquently put it. What, are you in third fucking grade or something?
   Your girlfriend is a selfish bitch and she's trying to push you away. That shit is inconsiderate as fuck and I think your days in that relationship are numbered. No one likes going down on a gorilla salad and everyone knows it. I only know one person that likes 70's bush and it's strictly because he grew up raiding his dad's old VHS porn tapes. Anyone else who likes Joni Mitchell bush is a sick beast and should have rocks thrown at them. I bet she's a selfish lover isn't she? I bet it's lights out, under the covers, through a hole in the sheet kind of sex isn't it? I mean, I fucking trim MY shit for chrissakes and I'm a man! We're supposed to be hairy. But I'm considerate. I don't want to gag on a pube as much as the next person. That shit collects sweat....smells weird and causes "pussleberries".
   I say, dump her and find something you can bury your face in.




Grooming Issues,
   Pubic hair evolved for a specific reason. It is there to trap the pheromones our bodies naturally produce. You see, back in the day when our ancestors were running around throwing crap at each other the only way that one could tell another was down for some naked time was pheromones. The pubes broadcasted that message over the air waves and let prospective mates know you were "in the mood." However, this is 2011, you could just tell me to my face or take your shirt off. A little grooming is appreciated but not totally necessary. If my lady wants to shave her legs or whatever it is appreciated but at the end of the day I am just happy she is willing to share a bed with me and not run to hills after she walks into the bathroom where I have just taken the mother of all dumps. If it really is out of control down there then it says a person doesn't care about the presentation of their most naughty of parts but most likely it's just what is supposed to go on down there. Here is a true story, as you get older your shit falls apart. Your nipples get huge, your face gets wrinkly, and your body gets gross. While sex and sexiness is important, in the long run it does not hold up. It is more important to obsess over other, more important aspects of a relationship. Like why, for the love of God, would you leave two triscuits in the box. Two triscuits is not enough triscuit to satisfy my hunger. Why didn't you just finish the goddamn box? You were so stuffed that two fucking crackers just wouldn't couldn't go down? Then, I go to the pantry with dreams of crackery goodness in my head only to find that there is barely a cock-tease of cracker in there. What the hell. Now my day is ruined and I am not going to fix that leak in the garage because I want your Saturday to be as miserable as my crackerless Saturday has been. And for that matter, why did we have to name the dog "Mr. Wiggle Pants?" I am the asshole that has to stand out in the freezing rain yelling "Mr. Wiggle Pants, make your doodies" at three in the morning. I didn't even want a stupid puggle. You know what, the next time you go play canasta with your stupid, giggly friends I am going to kick the shit out of this stupid excuse for an animal. I am going to fuck his shit up. So, in summary, get a hobby. That will help you get over your stupid, useless problem. I suggest fishing or getting over it.

confused and hurt

Dear love translators,
          Three days ago my boyfriend left me. We had been on again/ off again for three years and everything seemed to be going well. Then the other day I came home and he had packed up all of his things and moved out. He even took the dog. I just don't understand what happened. 
                                                                     confused and hurt. 




Dear confused and hurt,
          First and foremost you sound a little chubby. Maybe it's just me reading too much into an email but you sound fat. It's kind of like seeing a creepy looking guy in a toy store and you just know his name is on a registry somewhere. I look at your email and see a fat, lonely, sad, sad, creature. That being said, here is a fact: you should be happy your boyfriend left, if he had stayed you would have come home one day and found the back of his skull plastered to the wall behind the couch. We should be realistic here, you were "on again off again" for three years because every time he got up enough nuts to get the fuck out some bad thing happened and he had to stay. He was about to leave and your grandmother died, he was about to leave and you lost your job, he was about to leave and you thought you were pregnant, etc. Let me guess, nothing bad has happened in three months right? Well there you go. The reason he got all his shit and left with out you knowing is because he trying to ghost the hell out before tubby came home with another three-month-relationship-extender-tragedy. Maybe you are not fat, it is possible I guess. One thing I do know is that your old boyfriend was probably one story about the "crazy thing your cat Mitsy did while he was at work" away from creating a Rembrant on the wall with his brain matter. In fact, fuck you "confused and hurt" you cock-hungry slob. You and every asshole that subscribes to US Weekly should get a raging case of eyeball herpes and drown on your herpes juice. Your boyfriend could be dead right now. You and every other woman with an entire season of Sex and the City on your DVR should be charged with attempted murder for potentially driving your boyfriend/husband to suicide. You want to know something else, he took his dog because the dog can't constantly berate him about re-finishing the roof over the garage. You never go in the garage, you don't have any shit in the garage, so why in fuck does it matter if the roof leaks you idiot? Ask any man in the world would they rather have a 900-pound-battle-axe of a woman at home or a dog and the dog wins 100% of the time. You are hurt because deep inside your massive, flabby, body there is a tiny little heart that is about to explode from exhaustion and pure nausea. Not because you have feelings or because you care. You are hurt because there is no one there to bring another ice cream sandwich when you finished your first box. Eat a box of dick.


Dear Confused and Hurt
    On again/ off again? That sounds real healthy. Why are people so fucking insecure that they don't know when to call it quits? He just up and left without saying anything, saving you the embarrassing drama of a cry fest? He sounds like a fucking saint. I sure hope you had a regular trip to the health department, because rest assured whenever you were "off again" he was fucking somebody else. Maybe you should have been too. Usually people break it off because they're too decent to cheat...that way he technically didn't do anything wrong when he was fucking that much hotter 21 year old blond from his work. That way he can look you in the eye when you ask him "have you ever cheated on me?" and tell you "Never, baby. Never".

   I just don't understand what the problem is. You got a free pass in to the world of being single. You can spend the next several years (depending on how long you want to milk it) banging people and not calling them back. You can be aloof because you have the ace-in-the-hole of "I'm just too afraid to get close to someone right now". I wish all my girlfriends had packed up their shit while I was gone and taken their disgusting fucking animals that shit everywhere with them.

What were you going to do, get married and have babies and be in love forever and ever? That sounds like the slow train to Loserville and my worst fucking nightmare. Why don't you get a hobby and stop needing to be validated by another person and just learn to like yourself. It will take some time, lot's of binge eating and crying while masturbating with the shower head, but you will get over it. Seeing as how you're single now, could you please email us a recent picture and your phone number? You sound like you need some consoling.