Three days ago my boyfriend left me. We had been on again/ off again for three years and everything seemed to be going well. Then the other day I came home and he had packed up all of his things and moved out. He even took the dog. I just don't understand what happened.
confused and hurt.
Dear confused and hurt,
First and foremost you sound a little chubby. Maybe it's just me reading too much into an email but you sound fat. It's kind of like seeing a creepy looking guy in a toy store and you just know his name is on a registry somewhere. I look at your email and see a fat, lonely, sad, sad, creature. That being said, here is a fact: you should be happy your boyfriend left, if he had stayed you would have come home one day and found the back of his skull plastered to the wall behind the couch. We should be realistic here, you were "on again off again" for three years because every time he got up enough nuts to get the fuck out some bad thing happened and he had to stay. He was about to leave and your grandmother died, he was about to leave and you lost your job, he was about to leave and you thought you were pregnant, etc. Let me guess, nothing bad has happened in three months right? Well there you go. The reason he got all his shit and left with out you knowing is because he trying to ghost the hell out before tubby came home with another three-month-relationship-extender-tragedy. Maybe you are not fat, it is possible I guess. One thing I do know is that your old boyfriend was probably one story about the "crazy thing your cat Mitsy did while he was at work" away from creating a Rembrant on the wall with his brain matter. In fact, fuck you "confused and hurt" you cock-hungry slob. You and every asshole that subscribes to US Weekly should get a raging case of eyeball herpes and drown on your herpes juice. Your boyfriend could be dead right now. You and every other woman with an entire season of Sex and the City on your DVR should be charged with attempted murder for potentially driving your boyfriend/husband to suicide. You want to know something else, he took his dog because the dog can't constantly berate him about re-finishing the roof over the garage. You never go in the garage, you don't have any shit in the garage, so why in fuck does it matter if the roof leaks you idiot? Ask any man in the world would they rather have a 900-pound-battle-axe of a woman at home or a dog and the dog wins 100% of the time. You are hurt because deep inside your massive, flabby, body there is a tiny little heart that is about to explode from exhaustion and pure nausea. Not because you have feelings or because you care. You are hurt because there is no one there to bring another ice cream sandwich when you finished your first box. Eat a box of dick.
Dear Confused and HurtOn again/ off again? That sounds real healthy. Why are people so fucking insecure that they don't know when to call it quits? He just up and left without saying anything, saving you the embarrassing drama of a cry fest? He sounds like a fucking saint. I sure hope you had a regular trip to the health department, because rest assured whenever you were "off again" he was fucking somebody else. Maybe you should have been too. Usually people break it off because they're too decent to cheat...that way he technically didn't do anything wrong when he was fucking that much hotter 21 year old blond from his work. That way he can look you in the eye when you ask him "have you ever cheated on me?" and tell you "Never, baby. Never".
I just don't understand what the problem is. You got a free pass in to the world of being single. You can spend the next several years (depending on how long you want to milk it) banging people and not calling them back. You can be aloof because you have the ace-in-the-hole of "I'm just too afraid to get close to someone right now". I wish all my girlfriends had packed up their shit while I was gone and taken their disgusting fucking animals that shit everywhere with them.
What were you going to do, get married and have babies and be in love forever and ever? That sounds like the slow train to Loserville and my worst fucking nightmare. Why don't you get a hobby and stop needing to be validated by another person and just learn to like yourself. It will take some time, lot's of binge eating and crying while masturbating with the shower head, but you will get over it. Seeing as how you're single now, could you please email us a recent picture and your phone number? You sound like you need some consoling.
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