Mr.Pathetic

Dear love translators 

   im writing this in hope of good advise. I have been in my relationship for three years. It started off great she already had kids so it was instant family just add daddy. The first year was sex all the time every chance we had. After that stuff slowed down now its to the point of begging and her excuse is i dont feel sexy anymore or not in the mood. Dont know how much more i can take. What should i do?

                    
 Dear Pathetic,

   You are sorry as fuck on so many levels I just don't know where to begin. I'm about to have a fucking aneurysm. First off, why the fuck would you want to date someone with kids? Kids are the worst STD known to man. Kids in the equation brings the sexy factor to about zero. I dated a girl with a kid once. Little fucker kept coming in to the room asking "Mommy why is the bad man stabbing you with a sausage?" Why would you want to be a daddy to someone else's mistake? There's probably a good reason he's not around anymore, but you sound like a masochist sir, so whatever floats your boat.

   There's several reasons why she "doesn't feel sexy anymore". The first is that she's not. After popping all those kids out, her ragged out meat tunnel of a vagina is probably too big for any man short of the second coming of John Holmes to fill. You trying to fill that cavernous maw is like trying to throw a tic-tac down a hallway. This brings me to my next point She doesn't feel sexy because YOU DON'T MAKE HER FEEL SEXY. 9 out of 10 women think that a man begging is about the least fucking sexy thing on earth. Less sexy than the holocaust. But there is hope for you.

   Get your sexual fulfillment somewhere else. I don't care if you do it with porn, or a hooker...just get your rocks off elsewhere. Secondly, generally treat your woman with a cool indifference, but be just a little bit nice to her. Backup every compliment with a tiny insult. Say things like "Your face is so pretty to have such a stupid haircut", then walk away. She will start trying really hard to prove how sexy she is to you. I promise, this works.

I have a unique insight into your problems because I once lived with a girl who had a cat that she had adopted before our relationship began. That is the exact same thing as having children. This cat, Princess, was an asshole. She would stare at me while I was trying to eat, sleep on my favorite jacket and get her asshole hair all over it, and basically do all manner of asshole things. So what I did is start un-aggressively suggesting that cat might like to spend some time outside. After a while we would let the cat out for small periods of time. After a few months of this she left town for a weekend and I took the little bastard out into a field in Missouri and threw the asshole into a lake. When she got back I said "I don't know what happened, she must have ran away." The relationship ended two months later but the important thing from this story is fuck that cat, it was a dick. As per your woman not feeling sexy who gives a shit. I'm not sexy. I have a mole on my left side that looks just like Quato from Total Recall. Sexy has nothing to do with naked time. When was the last time you went in a Wal-Mart and saw the toxic avenger with 16 kids? The ugliest people in this country have the most children so it must be something wrong with you. Having you tried putting it in there when she's sleeping? Not that I condone rape but hey, desperate times and all that shit. If she wakes up and isn't interested just act like you are still sleeping and it's a disorder you developed in the marines or something. Then she will totally feel sorry for you and screw you anyway. Or just buy her a treadmill and say "I want you be sexy again." That works every time. Nothing makes a woman happier than when you show a vested interest in their health and well being. Have you tried saying things like "God I remember how beautiful you were." Women love taking strolls down memory lane. You know how every time any person at all wonders into your living room your woman pulls out the photo album from your wedding and starts showing them the picture the shithead photographer took of you puking behind the dumpster at Applebee's because you had one too many Coors' Lights and were trying to work up the courage to live another day. Sure, you said it was nerves but really, you saw your sad, sad life flash before your eyes and thought "the Mississippi River is only twenty minutes away and that bridge is really high." Sure, you woke up in the morning and went through with it but you were cold and dead in the deepest reaches of your soul and you know, from the bottom of your heart, that the light from the sun will never again penetrate that dark, dark place. So little trooper, just remember, summer is the time for lovers. A fall wedding is never a good idea. It might be cold or rainy. Hope that helps!!!