Online dating?

What are you guys' thoughts on online dating?




       My thoughts on online dating are conflicted. The internet is a remarkable resource. Information is easy to access, plentiful, and cheap. The problem with the internet is that anyone can put anything up. Here is a great example: Wikipedia. Ask anyone you know that is a teacher and they will tell you that it is boarder-line impossible to get modern students to stop using Wikipedia as a source when doing research. This is because Wikipedia can be manipulated by anyone at any time. The information on the internet is almost always false with one of the only notable exceptions being this blog. All truth, all the time. That being said we should discuss the pros and cons of looking for love (or lovin') on the world wide web.
      Let's start with pros. As I understand it, the internet is a well spring of never ending poon or peen depending on your preference. Sites like Plenty of Fish, eharmony, etc provide an endless line of people who are looking for action. Shit, there is even a dating website devoted solely to having affairs if you are already in a relationship. They took the biggest bar in the world, put it on a website and let you scroll through prospective partners in a safe environment. I personally know people who have had massive amounts of success in the on-line world both in marriage and just getting some naked time. There has to be something there. But, as a fundamentally negative person who believes that everything is stupid I would like to spend a little more time focusing on the negative aspects of this stupid activity.
     Teachers hate when kids use Wikipedia as a source because the information is not reliable. This applies to online dating. People can completely invent a persona that is utterly false to portray themselves as something they are not. This may sound like a plus. You could say you are rice, have a ten inch dick, or any number of things but eventually the goal is too meet some one face to face in the actual world. What happens when the 5'10, 120 pound knock out you've been chatting with shows up for your date and is 4'8 and 190? What then? You've already order a beer and some cheese sticks and now you are stuck talking to the mother from "What's eating Gilbert Grape." "Oh that, that photo was from high school, after I had my fifth child I really grew into myself." "Excuse me miss, but I think you grew into six people that were standing by you at the bus stop as well. No biggie, just finish the cheese sticks, I know you want them, and enjoy your eventual heart attack." You think this is far from the truth? Think again. This kind of shit happens all the time. "Awesome, you left out the fact that you have a sixth finger on your left hand." "Great, I didn't realize you have the hoobastank logo tattooed on your forehead, how unique." "Fantastic, you have a conjoined twin." Get the idea? What you see is not necessarily what you get.
       Crazy and socially inept people lurk on the internet at every turn. The "safe" part of the internet also allows fucking nut-bags to prey on normal human beings. In the past, when you meet a person face to face, you could figure out in a fairly short amount of time if they were batshit or not but the internet takes that out of the equation. You can not convey tone in an email. Have many times have you recieved an email from someone and thought that they were being dickish or short only to find out later that there intentions were different? Some one can come across like a princess on the web but in the real world they are into cutting themselves to forget what daddy did to them. All you talk about on the internet is what you like. "Do you like movies, I like movies. Do you like the park, I like the park." Do you ever say "Do you wake up in the middle of the night crying because you are fucking insane?" Doubtful. Also, many people use internet dating because they are physically unable to communicate with another person on an actual level. They are awkward, weird, scarred of contact, and generally incapable of meeting some one face to face so the use the comfortable anonymity of the internet to do the work. It is very unlikely that you will meet some one and after working on them for eight hours of drinks and have them stab you while you sleep. If your communication is limited to three emails and a movie then your chances drastically increase.
      The internet also completely eliminates the drunk factor. You are probably not going to meet a drunk chick on the internet and arrange a meeting at that exact moment. You can do that in the real world. A drunk chick that is a nine will bang a three if she is in the right mood or really, really drunk. Booze is the great equalizer and it is useless on the internet. It even has the exact opposite result. How mant times have you gotten drunk and just emailed some chick on facebook your phone number thinking you are all sly and shit. "Give me a call if you want." Idiot.
       The real world is called that because it's fucking REAL. It exists. Meeting some one face to face is a time honored tradition that has worked for thousands of years so why change. But, if you are just trying to hit it then quit it I imagine it's a wonderful resource to lure in desperate, sad creatures that are attached to warm genitals. Just be warned. When some crazy person you penetrated shows up at your house at 3:45 on a Tuesday because "you are the one and her fifth grade teacher molested her" don't say I didn't warn you. Stick to porn and video games. You can always find willing people in the real world.





I'm all about it. I hate talking to people because no one can ever keep up with my amazing brain. Trolling for ass at a bar requires me to enter in to conversations with every manner of drunk troglodite. Also, I will rarely just spark up a random convo with a woman, because of women's favorite word they like to throw around: "creepy". Women call everyfucking thing creepy nowadays. If you open a door for a woman like your good southern mama tought you, you're being creepy. If you try and dance with a girl on a crowded dancefloor, you're being creepy. Good job, ladies. By throwing that word around all the time you've made all the gentlemen too nervous to want to talk to you for fear of being called a creep and now the only men that WILL talk to you ARE creeps because they don't give a fuck what you think. So if you ever wonder why good guys never approach you, there you have it.
   I love internet dating. Now instead of having to talk to you for hours to find out that you like Nickleback, faeries and write poetry (all things that will make me get up and walk right out the fucking door) I can just read that shit right on your profile. Online dating has lost much of the stigma attached to it. Plenty of relationships/ hookups nowadays begin on line. Yes, we have become that fucking lazy. Or maybe we're just really good at multitasking. Right now I am simultaneously writing this, checking my stocks, checking the weather for this week, visiting the Time Barbarians imdb page, and trolling for someone to fuck. But my experiences with online dating have been hit or miss. I will list a few of them here for you and you can decide.

1. Talkatron 9000- Started out great. She looked kinda cute from her pictures, but angles make all the difference, people. Always get a full body shot. We got along famously chatting on IM, but when we met for drinks at the bar she looked like a water buffalo and I could not get a word in edgewise. This woman was a marathon conversationalist. I was exhausted. I would have just gone home, but she bought all my food and drinks, so I felt obligated to bone the living shit out of her. Hey, I'm not selfish. I'm a good fucking date.You shouldn't  even go on a date unless you're willing to give the person an orgasm. If you're not, you're a gold digging, self important shithead that is so delusional that you think you're so special and people enjoy your company. Everybody just wants a nut and a nap. Are you still here?

2. Expiration date: Imminent. Totally fucking insane- This girl had a body like the women in those old paintings done back when food was scarce and thick people were attractive because, well you wanted to hang out with the motherfucker that had some food. Now, i love me some real women with curves, thick like Texas toast. This girl had an amazing body, but she should have an expiration date tattooed across her belly. Especially if she gets pregnant, it's all fucking over with. But she was a freak in the sack and gave the best head I ever experienced. I think there is a direct correlation between how good a woman gives head and her level of insanity. Our last date went something like this. I will refer to her as "Shithouse rat".
Shithouse rat: "I wanna come over. I baked you cheesecake brownies."
Me: "OK".
Shithouse rat: "We're not going to fuck, though. I'm practicing celibacy".
Me: "OK"

Of course she comes over and then jumps on me. Afterwards she cried and said I make her a bad person.
Me: "Thanks for the brownies. Get the fuck out of my house."

She called me once a week for the next year, drunk and crying at 3am, telling me she loved me. Those were good brownies.

3. G.I. Jane- I actually liked this one but our last conversation went like this.

G.I. Jane- "I'm enlisting in the military."
Me- "Why? That's stupid."
GI Jane- "Because I want to learn job skills and I'm sick of waiting tables."
Me- "But you may have to kill people you don't know just because someone tells you to."
GI Jane- "Beats waiting tables."
Me- "Get the fuck out."

You see, I like my women literate and intelligent with more than a fifth grade understanding of American History and global politics. Nationalism is never sexy. Chicks that are into America are most likely into Jesus and therefore, pro life. I'd rather fuck the dumpster behind an abortion clinic than a pro lifer, even if she does look like Bristol Palin. And if you aren't imaginative enough to think of something to do with you life other that be a stooge for America, well you probably also like Tobey Keith and NASCAR.

Well, I guess I didn't make a very good case for internet dating. But that sure was a fun trip down memory lane, wasn't it? However, good or bad, at least I'm dating, while you are going to jerk off to youporn again tonight and then cry yourself to sleep. Or, if you're a women, you'll cry yourself to sleep in the bathtub with a pint of Ben and Jerry's (chunky monkey) after you finished your hundredth Danielle Steel novel and you will drown and all your cats will have to eat your disgusting dead, flabby flesh to keep from starving and they will find you in a week, half eaten by Chairman Meow and Sarah Jessica Pouncer.

Remember, it's spring time! The sap is rising! Love is in the air!

breaking up is hard to do....

Dear Love Translators, 
                 I've never been good at ending relationships. I need to get out of my current situation and wanted some advice on how to do it. 




       Breaking up sucks. There is no way to do it without someone getting hurt. You have to enter into a break up situation with that in mind. Many people stick in miserable relationships because they don't want to break up but this is a mistake. You are always going to be a dick if you are the one doing the breaking up. If you wait for a long enough time hoping shit will get better then you are going to wake up 65 and married to a person you can't stand. So, find solace in your inner-asshole. Take him into your arms like a fuzzy little puppy and keep him warm, he is your friend. After you make the decision that your life is more important than some one else's feelings you can proceed. Here are a few strategies that have worked for me in the past.
       Complete and total severance of all ties immediately. This means no talking, hanging out, emailing, no contact what so ever. The best thing about this strategy is that you can do this any time. Just cut ties completely. Go out on a date Friday, then on Saturday morning act like the person doesn't exist. You will have two or three days of grace where the other person will just think you are busy or something before they try to get in touch with you. When they finally do call just answer the phone and say "who is this?" When they say their name just say "I think you have the wrong number" and hang up. They'll call back but just keep it up, eventually they will just go away. If they decide to come over do things like ask them who they are looking for or talk to them through a closed door. You must completely commit to this strategy for success. If done properly, you will successfully confuse the shit out of your, until recently, significant other and they will leave you alone.
       Change your personality immediately, for the worse. Start acting like a complete shithead. Start telling her she's fat or he has a tiny dick. Steal from them, preferably money but electronics and furniture will work. Hell, get creative with it. Steal their pet. Start smoking crack or doing massive amounts of pills. Basically anything to turn them away from you. Quit your job, buy a shitty acoustic guitar, and tell them that you have decided to become a singer-songwriter. Then when they start getting uppity about your super-rad life choice scream that they are crushing your dreams. Get up in the middle of the night and take a shit in their underwear drawer and then feign ignorance the next day. "Why would I shit in your underwear drawer, I'm not a fucking monkey, you must have done it in your sleep you fucking drunk." Start saying things like "I always wanted to fuck your friend Charles" or "I remember when I used to let that guy cum in my mouth" if you are a lady or "Shit you have huge legs" or "that girls pussy smells like butterscotch" if you are a guy. Just rolling your eyes and sighing "fuck" whenever they walk into a room is a nice touch. If you do this correctly they will break up with you. Then you can act like a victim and gets massive amounts of sympathy booty.
       Either of these strategies works nicely. Maybe you are one of those "we can still be friends" people. If you are then you are a fool. Here's what that means from either side. Man: "I really want to go fuck other chicks, specifically, other chicks that are not you. But, I would like to keep you around in case it's really late at night and I got shot down by every other chick at the bar and desperately have to fuck something." Female: "I am sick of you and your penis but I want to keep you around so you can watch me fuck all of your friends. Also, I want you to know what dirty shit I'm doing for them that I would never do for you." Every man falls for this at least once. Staying friends is a dream and a stupid one at that. After a few years it is possible to be "friends" but beware. If you are in a relationship your other will always be distrustful of the "friend." They should be, that person has seen you naked and every time they see you they are thinking about the time you guys fucked. Fact. Here's the best part, you ready, being a "freinds" person actually makes you an asshole. Why would you want to subject your partner to this situation: "Friday we're going out with some one who has had their dick in my mouth!" or "You want to go see a movie with this chick I talked in to getting an abortion?" How's that for truth in advertising?
       Feel better? Can we still be friends?

Here's my favorite ways:
1. Text message break up. This is the classiest way to break up with someone. Let's face it. Nothing looks grosser and makes my penis more soft than someone crying. I actually read an article in ScienceNow that there is a chemical in women's tears that turns men off. Think I'm joking? http://news.sciencemag.org/sciencenow/2011/01/a-womans-tears-the-anti-viagra.html?ref=hp

Yeah, get that crying shit out of my face. do that shit in the bathroom where you do all the other gross shit. I'd rather have you vomit on my dick like you did that time at the drive in. I never did get to see the end of Snakes on a Plane and have never been able to enjoy nachos since. Seriously, though, in this age of technology if you know the shit ain't workin, why drag it out? One text, boom. gone. No sorry ass "conversation" about how we "feel" about it. Message sent. Message received. Stop fucking calling me.

2. Direct approach. If you want to keep it civil, just be forward and honest. Don't beat around the bush or mince words. My favorite thing to say is "I respect you, I just don't like you". or "I'm embarrassed to bring you around my friends and family". Even more direct is "You're so fucking annoying that I just want to smash my own face with a hammer whenever I'm around you".

3. Restraining order.

4. Just change your Facebook status. They'll figure it out soon enough.

5. Finding the right moment. Sometimes finding the best time and place will soften the blow. How about while you are both strapped in a roller coaster, right when you go around that third loop upside down? You can make an analogy about how this is what your relationships is like. How about on the way to her sister's wedding? Seeing evidence that true love does exist in the world should make her feel optimistic about the whole thing. Ladies, how about right when the baby comes out and it doesn't look anything like him?

6. Pack up all your shit and move out while they are at work. Leave a note that says "I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel".

   But it's important to remember, just like in the job market, never quit your current job until you have another one lined up. You're a fucking ugly, fat loser and will probably have trouble finding anyone that will want to fuck you or be around you for any period of time. You're also fucking stupid for asking that question. Why does anyone have to ask? Getting broken up with is the coolest thing ever. It's a free pass to go fuck other people. Oh really? You mean I don't have to have any more movie nights? I don't have to spend money at anymore froofy fucking restaraunts? I can eat Cheetos in bed with the dog and don't have to leave the faucet running while i take the loudest, most explosive shit known to man? I don't have to listen to your problems anymore? Being single is rad. Breaking up with someone is like showing them a portal to Narnia, where you can eat Turkish delight and hang out with magical creatures. And fuck them. I'm out.
    
  

the lesser of two evils?

Dear Love Translators,
               I find the Fabio guy's posts hilarious but I want to punch the other guy in the face. He is a total dick. Why don't you just do the blog by yourself? 
                                                                                        




              Wait, you don't like me?!? What the fuck? How can I ever find a way to get on with my...... already over it. I'm sure that your hands are covered in KFC chicken grease at the moment but try to dig all of the residue from crack and hobo-semen out of ears and listen up. Reading this is the greatest thing that has ever happened in your sad, pathetic life. When you are in bed in the middle of the night and the oppressing loneliness of the night wraps it's strangling tentacles around your heart remember this: there are people getting raped in prison that are glad they are not you. But hey, no hard feelings, I respect your stupid, useless opinions about as much as I respect the ramblings of a child-molesting member of the tea party. So, in the interest of democracy I have decided to put together a list of things you can do besides read my half of the blog.
       1) Go jogging. Seriously honey, you could lose a few. Or, if you are not the athletic type you could always throw up after you eat. After all, you don't want to spend the rest of your life sleeping with the teddy bears you had delivered to yourself on Valentine's day. "Oh, these? These are from my boyfriend Brad, he lives in Kansas City." Sure they are flesh-belt, keep living the dream.
       2) Take all the Ani Difranco posters off of your wall. It makes you look like a lesbian. If you are a lesbian, other lesbians think your Ani Difranco posters make you look like a lesbian. There is such a thing as trying to hard. I imagine you as a woman who experimented with homosexuality in your late teens/early twenties when it became obvious that nothing penis-related wanted anything to do with you. Then you quickly realized that the grittiest bull-dyke at the sports bar wasn't interested in your busted-ass chops either. So now you tell people you are bisexual in the hopes that it will make you seem interesting and unique where it is really a desperate ploy to get noticed by anything that doesn't end in the letters "ildo."
        3) Become involved in a "pen-pals-for-convicts" program. Seriously, aim for guys on death row. There is no chance that you will ever get to touch them, they don't care what you look like as long as you keep filling their commissary fund and showing up to visit. have you seen the caliber of women that marry dudes they met while they were in prison, you'd fit right in. And, if on the off-hand chance he gets out he'll probably kill you and eat your face! Everybody wins!
        4) Accept the idea that you will die alone.
        5) Start your own blog you judgmental bitch. Oh, that's right, you just can't miss an episode of Law and Order: SVU to get off your cavernous ass and contribute something to the world. That's just too hard. Let's just leave the writing to John Grisham shall we.
        6) Keep working on your memoirs. Every gross, lonely, trollop of a human I have ever met keeps a journal that they refer to as a "memoir." Because people are interested in reading that. Shit, Albert Einstien's memoirs collect dust on bookstore shelves and you think people will have an interest in a book called "me and cool-ranch Doritos: a life adventure?" I would like to read a selection from your "memoir." "January 28, 2004. It's my twenty first birthday. Will I ever find true love? I wonder why Daddy refers to my birthday as "the worst day of his life? Oh well, tonight is the My So Called Life marathon and I have a freezer full of Oreos. Party time!!!" Fantastic stuff, just fantastic.
        The craziest part is that you can tell our shit apart. It's pretty much identical in its' brilliance. It's like saying which one is better out the Rolling Sones and The Beatles. They are both perfect. Just like us. So fuck you.

I just want to go ahead and call racism. I mean, as far as you know one person writes all this shit. But you see a picture of a black guy with his shirt off and it kinda made you tingle down there in your bathing suit area, didn't it? Then you were overwhelmed with guilt because all you could think about was a raw chocolate pounding and that is at odds with everything your hillbilly Klansman family beat in to your head. So now you want to take it out on my friend? We'd like to hear some of your love advice. You think this shit comes easy? Knowledge like this only comes from years of research. I have laid my dick on the crap table so many times just trying to understand the ins and outs of human sexuality. I have stuck my dick in holes that a starving rat with AIDS wouldn't crawl in to. But, like Patrick Swayze said in Point Break (The greatest movie of all time, might I add) "If you want the ultimate, you have to be willing to pay the ultimate price". Do you know how many dates I have been on pretending to feign interest in your career in marketing, your poetry, your last three relationships or whatever other drivel you want to bore me with until I'd just about rather stick a skewer in my ear than hear you prattle on? Do you know how many movies I've had to watch, snuggling up with someone who thinks I'm their "special boo"? I've seen the Notebook and Breakfast at Tiffany's a combined total of 13,000 times. Do you know how many times I have had to hear someone say "what are you thinking about?" Do you know how many times I've had to give the "It's not you, it's me" speech just so that I could continue my research? Did you know that me and my colleague actually have sponsors for this gig? Hagen Daz and Valtrex. The more hearts we break, the more pints of Hagen Daz get bought. Yep, a crying woman and a pint of Ice Cream go together like the Insane Clown Posse and that fat kid from high school that strangled cats. And I personally leave a free sample of Valtrex on the nightstand of every girl's house I leave. I say "Try this. You're gonna need it". So while you go around throwing judgement, think about what it takes to be a Love Translator. You don't have what it takes.
Sponsored by:

Under the Gaydar...

why do seemingly gay men try to say they are straight and ask me for sex? this happened recently with a colleague and i do mean 'colleague'... i had to approach it with humor otherwise i would have had a stroke. i jokingly said i was on a celibacy streak and to check back in six months... couldn't think of anything else.. but he has a beer belly, a cat and a double chin... oh and a purple fireplace.




Well, there could be a number of reasons. One is that maybe you look like a man. Maybe he's fighting his gayness so hard that the easiest transition to straight life he can think of is to make it with the most mannish woman he can find. I bet you have an Adam's apple and back hair, don't you?
   But then again with just those paltry reasons you listed why are you so certain of his orientation? Sure, maybe he acts feminine, but that's the style nowadays. Metro sexual anyone? But a beer belly? That's a very manly attribute. Most gay men I know have very sculpted abs that you just want to run your hands all over and....Oh, I'm sorry. I got off track there for a minute. He owns a cat? Lot's of manly men own cats. My writing partner on this thing sews dresses, drinks beer and likes metal. Figure that one out. Metal is only for the straightest of straight men.

And cat ownership does not signify gayness. I used to own a cat. Hell, Sigfried and Roy owned tigers and you can be certain that THEY do not bat for the pink team.


Double chin? what's gay about that? Although it would make a handy shelf for some balls. Hmmmmm....
Purple fireplace? I bet Prince has a purple fireplace. And you would think Prince is the gayest gay man ever, but that's just his game. While you were bagging on him for being gay he would bag your girlfriend and then go play 14 musical instruments, all bad ass. 
The biggest problem I see here is that you were dishonest. What's wrong with "no, I don't want to fuck you". Saying "Check back in 6 months" leads this guy to believe that he has a snowball's chance in hell at some point, and everyone loves a challenge. I love it when girls don't want to fuck me. It's more fun to play the game, to make people work for it. This guy just wants to bone you more now and he's constantly scheming every time he looks at you.
My advice? Quit fucking stereotyping people, shave your back hair and be fucking honest. You know, you may want to be thankful that anyone wants to fuck you at all, because from your letter you sound like a complete fucktard. And so what if he is gay? I wish that every other man on earth was gay except me. Then I would have to please alllll the women, which is my greater goal anyways. So, for being such an idiot, you have to purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.






So, all you need to be gay is a purple fireplace, beer-belly, double-chin, and a cat. That's it? I always understood that gay men like to have sex with other gay men. Hence the term "gay man." The act of trying to have sex with you (a woman) kind of defeats the "why do gay men ask me out" argument. You see, the only real qualifier that makes some one "gay" or "straight" is their sexual preferences, not a goddamn fireplace. That's like saying that everyone that owns a panel van is a child molester. Some people legitimately just want to pass out candy, what's wrong with that. 
         I think what we are witness to here is the classic "act like you are gay to make yourself less threatening and then bang that chick" pickup technique. It has many names but the idea is the very simple: women love gay men, they trust them, tell them their secrets, and change clothes in front of them. This is a fact because women know gay me are not interested in their particulars (aka: vaginapussy). So, if a straight man with gay characteristics can get the "gay safety bubble" formed around him in a woman's mind there is no force in heaven or hell that can stop the torrent of dry-humping that is on the way. I have even heard of people using the "I just want to know if I'm really gay" variation on the technique. This is not the wisest of ideas and could damage your reputation but a starving man can't be picky so who am I to judge. 
        So, just to be sure, lets run through a quick check list to see if it really is the "gay/straight reverse." 1) Have you ever gone shopping together. When you ask for advice on how a dress looks he starts pinching the sides and under the bust and talking about the "fit of the garment?" 2) Has he ever professed to being an "antique nut?" 3) Has he cried during a movie (a girl movie like The Notebook, not Jaws or Alien or anything rad)? 4) Has he ever said these words: "This sunset is beautiful." 5) Has he ever spent more than thirty seconds talking about how handsome one of his co-workers is? 6) Does he know the words to three or more show tunes? 7) Does he ride a bicycle built for two? 8) Is he afraid of churches (gay men are like vampires, they can't stand the sight of a cross)? 9) Does he wear pants that were made for women? 10) Does he have a mustache? 
       Here's what these really mean. 1) An excuse to feel you up. Gets you comfortable with touching so it's not that big of a deal when he starts fingering away. 2) What, antiques are badass. It's a piece of history you shithead. Read a book. 3) Showing you his "sensitive side. Breaks down barriers and helps build "gay safety bubble" of non-intimidation. 4) Trying to show depth of soul. Like deep inside him lurks a very pensive, tortured straight man that would be happy as hell to let you blow him. 5) Not gay, could be respect for another good-looking brother but mostly gives you two common ground to begin discussing issues pertaining to mutual attraction. 6) Most show tunes end with true love winning the day and men in every production I am aware of will fly across the universe singing of his true love for a woman. Ladies, be honest, the little gal in the boat just shivered a little didn't she. 7) No excuse. Even the gayest man in the world thinks these are gay. If you ride a two-seater bike you are beyond help, stuck in sexual limbo. Too gay to be gay but WAY too gay be straight. 8) This is a reaction to the recent influx of vampire shit. The vampires today are all very homo-erotic. Shit, Anne Rice's vampires basically jerked each other off with regularity. Yet none of these vampires are actually gay. This pisses gay men off. Also, if you spent your entire life being told you were going to hell because of who you were, wouldn't you be wary of those pricks? 9) I just barfed a little into my mouth. Jesus, two of my best friends do this. God I hope they suffer. Absolute bullshit. 10) Unless your name is Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds a mustache is suspect. As is anything that was considered "macho" in the 1970's and 1980's. 
         So, if a man exhibits 0-2 of these characteristics he is probably straight. Again, what's wrong with antiques fucker, I love that shit. 3-6 characteristics, probably actually gay. 7 or more, too gay for actual gay men so you are being stalked. 
         What should you do? Who gives a shit. So many people out there are lonely as hell and you are pissing and moaning about dudes coming after you. Buy some bear spray and next time he comes to talk to you scream "AWAY FROM ME HOMOSEXUAL" and bear-mace the balls out of him. Or you could buy a kiddie pool and drown yourself. Or you could be happy with your pseudo gay man. He will alter your clothes, help clean up around the house, go antiquing (I swear to God, fucking say something, I fucking dare you), make sure your stupid little dog is always groomed, and always be ready to listen. It seems to me that a gay man is really the perfect man for 99% of women out there. Too bad real ones think vaginas are gross. Which they kind of are if you think about it. Especially fat people. It's like a petri dish. All warm and moist, just a breeding ground for bacteria. Seriously, If you weigh over 350 pounds is your shit just like the bog of eternal stench? You can't reach it to clean it. Do you just grab the sprayer from the sink and hope for the best? I mean, as sweaty as you are it probably gets pretty damp down there, like a Louisiana swamp in August. And then the mega-bush, damn. Bits of cotton candy and half-eaten cornnuts all stuck in the hairs. I'll bet it smells like dumpster juice from a paper mill. Damn. I suddenly really want an Arby-q. 

settling down

Dear Love Translators,
                        I have recently been thinking about settling down. I have lived the bar life for over a decade and would like to meet a nice girl that is worth spending more than a drunken night with but I am so used to talking to and meeting girls when I am drunk. Where do I find a girl that's worth a shit in the long term? 
                      Signed, Sick of the Bullshit. 


Well sir, it appears that you are ready to take a big step in your life and I, for one condone it. Youth doesn't last. If you keep at the bar scene for long enough you will cease to be the cool older dude at the bar that is living the dream and eventually become the creepy old fuck that should have somewhere else to be, it's a sad fact of life. This is a tough transition to make. You spend most of your life searching for women in a certain way and it gets to the point that those women have nothing to offer you but it can be hard to unlearn what you know. In an ideal world you could meet some fine young thing at a bar and eventually figure out that neither of you like the late night scene anymore and transition into a calmer life but the world is far from ideal. So lets just go over a few pointers that should help you get pointed in the right direction.
         Rule 1: Nothing good ever happens after 2AM. That isn't to say that FUN shit doesn't happen after 2 but GOOD things never do, and yes, there is a big difference. The only thing that lurks at this time in the morning are cops, drama, V.D., and unwanted pregnancy. A shit-ton of fun things have happened to me in the AM but never anything that my mother would be proud of. Most early morning excursions end with some drunk broad screaming that her father was abusive and you are an insensitive prick (this is after you've had sex by the way, she still has sperm in her hair) because you didn't get a towel quick enough to clean up the previously referenced sperm. Or perhaps with you waking up at the crack of noon trying desperately to figure out how you can keep your friends from discovering that you fucked a minotaur while simultaneously wondering if there was any chance that you knocked this beast up. Or this is always great: two days later your buddy says "yeah dude, I heard that chick has space aids." Fuck that shit. 
        Rule 2: If someone will fuck you within six hours of being introduced they are not child-raising material. This goes for you as well ladies, as do all these rules. Flash forward 24 years into the future. Your 20-year-old daughter has just had her heart broken by her high school sweetheart and she comes to her mother devastated looking for advice. "Mom, Johnny broke up with me, what should I do?" "Well honey, I think you should go and let any and every dude in town fuck you for a three to five year period depending on how long it takes you to get your first herpes or pregnancy scare. Hope that helps buttercup." 
         Rule 3: YOU WILL NEVER MEET A NICE GIRL(or dude) AT A BAR!!! This is the golden rule. Now, you can meet some one at a friends house or elsewhere and then kindle a romance with them at a bar, totally different. What I am saying is if you are in violation of Rule 3 a healthy relationship will not spring forth. I find that saying something out loud is sometimes the best way to figure out if something works so lets do a little experiment. Say this out loud: "Yeah, so we were totally shit-faced. I look across the room and there she(or he) was, this angel that was so drunk she was cross-eyed. I went up to her and asked her if she liked movies and she said yes. We talked about movies for a while an I said "Hey, we should go watch the Goonies." We went to my house and right about the part where they are playing that organ made out of bones I stuck two fingers into her ass. That's how I met your mother buddy. Don't forget to be a gentleman." Fail. 
         Following these rules will help. Where can you meet girls that doesn't involve drunken sluts passing their genitals around? Good question. 1) school (upper level classes only): they are motivated, career minded, and smart. 2) the grocery store: no shit, they are buying food, can possibly cook, and no one expects to get hit on at Kroger's. You must think like a ninja. 3) church. yes church. it must be a liberal church that allows gay and non-white people. In this situation you can find a girl that has good moral fortitude but will still fuck you. (this piece of advice is not original, it comes from a very reputable source. Maybe you've heard of it: the Bible. Leviticus 6:24. Praise him. 4) A therapists office. Issues=winning. Nothing quite like an insecure person you can walk all over until you grow old together. 5) the beach: everyone is half naked anyway, it's just one small step towards penetration. 6) Your buddies house. You know she's the marriage type, she married your friend. You can just ask him if she is a good woman and the snatch her ass right out from under him. Let his dumb-ass do the leg work. 
         Happy hunting. 




                                   Dear Bullshit,
   I understand completely. I too am sick of the bar scene. In this small town you just can never meet anyone anymore that twenty of your friends haven't fucked. God forbid you get in relationship with her and then you bring her around the boys, maybe to watch the game or something and some of your friends are thinking about that time they ran a train on her, or went ass to mouth with her and now she's your special boo and you kiss her on the lips. 
   I have never had a meaningful relationship start at a bar. In fact, most of my "last call lovin" hookups have ended terribly. Let me run you down a list of the last few: 1. Had space AIDS. 2. We fucked for a couple of weeks, then she decided she wanted to get back with her scumbag ex boyfriend because I wasn't creating enough drama in her life. 3. This one's vagina smelled like an abortion clinic dumpster caught on fire, she had a fucked up Joni Mitchell bush and she woke up in the middle of the night and yakked in my closet. 4. Kept trying to get me to raw dog her. If a girl will let ME raw dog her, knowing my reputation...then she would probably let a leper do it who's dick was hanging on by a thread of rotting flesh. Golden rule, never raw dog anyone! Unless you dip your dick in vodka afterwards which kills all STD's. Scientific fact.
   My friend's grandmother once said "You don't look for a peach under a lemon tree" and that has stuck with me for a long time. My colleague listed some of these places, but I'm going to make you my own  list of the best places to pick people up, or at least tell you what has worked for me.
1. The coffee shop- All kinds of young, hip college age chicks hang out there. All wearing glasses and doing their homework and shit. Girls doing homework is hot because , believe it or not, we actually like it when y'all are smart. You can actually have a conversation at the coffee shop. You don't have to shout over some shitty bar rock band. 9 out of 10 times people actually leave the bar and go fuck just so they don't have to listen to fucking John Paul Keith and the 145's or whatever other local hack bar band may be playing.
2. The Gym- Let's face it, you need to get up off your fat ass and lose some weight anyhow. Lots of people are at the gym looking to hook up. The best part about it is, if someone looks good at the gym, it can only get better from there. If you think that girl is hot while she's all sweaty and red faced wearing sweatpants after her zumba class, think about how good she's gonna look cleaned up.
3. The Dog Park- If you don't own a dog, go borrow one. It's a perfect in. She'll think you're all sensitive an shit because you just wuv wittle mr. woofypants! He's a big fat stinker. A big, fat fuzzy wuzzy witlle buddy! Aren't we? Who is it? whoooooo is it it? Dawwwwww.....Somebody's a specialtons! A special wecial witlle shtinkerton!
4. Church- I know my colleague already said it, but I'm not wholly behind this one. I went to church for a minute. Only go this route if you're really willing to lock you one down for forever, because those chicks were not coming off it before marriage, no way. Maybe there's an awesome church somewhere with a bunch of sluts who are all holy on the surface but later on will let you dump on their chests, but not this one. You're better off waiting for church girls after they get divorced. They get married, have a couple kids and then realize they never got to enjoy their teenage years and then they turn into bar sluts. Yeah Jesus saves, but he doesn't save you from the boring drudgery and reality of your miserable marriage and sex life. Yeah, two virgins getting married that never watched a porno in their life sounds like a great idea. Probably worst sex ever.You really don't want to end up with one of these girls. They just fucking prattle on an on about jesus day in and day out. It's not that great of a book. The only book in the bible worth reading is the Song of Solomon because it's a poem that talks about titties and shit and you can beat off to it if you're stuck in a hotel room, can't afford Pay Per View and all you have is the Gideons.
5. In the day to day- There's women everywhere. Some of them have jobs and that's sexy. Maybe she's the cute waitress at Perkins. after you first see her go to that Perkins everyday and just stare at her from the corner. That's the quickest way to a woman's heart. The grocery store is good. Keep going down whatever aisle they are shopping on and act like you're trying to decide what you want, but make sure you always stand behind them, just barely in their peripheral vision. Try to catch their name and look them up on facebook and then never talk to them. The 21st century has taken stalking to a whole new level.
6. Online- Online dating sites are no longer taboo. really, it's a quick way to wade through all kinds of bullshit without really having to interact. Oh, I see from your profile that you like Faeries, Nickleback and you write poetry? I'll just not respond to you and save you the heartbreak of me having to tell you to your face that you're the mental equivalent of my cat's ass worms.


Hope this helped!

My last 5 dates....

Love Translators,
   This has been my last 5 dates...

1) wanted me to drive b/c he didn't have a car

2) had three kids by three different women

3) thought the Gold Club would be an acceptable first date

4) texting: Guy: plans? Me: dying my hair. Guy: really? Me: yeah. Guy: what color? Me: I have to go now.

5) used the following pickup line: Guy: "You should come work for me!" Me: "Where do you work?" Guy: "Target" Me: "I have to go now."


If things don't get any better I'm going to give up. 
                                                                         Signed,
                                                                                Frustrated




Dear Frustrated,
   That's not the right attitude, Sparky! I think you're being too quick to judge. There might be some hidden gems in that list. You're just not thinking about it right. Let's review:
   Guy #1. So the guy doesn't have a car. How perfect. Pick his ass up, get some and drop his ass back off again. This guy could be the perfect standby booty call. You know he's always gonna be at home. You can even make him your "boyfriend". Or just tell him that he is and then you can go out and still fuck whoever you want. What's your Boyfriend gonna do, ride his bike over there and fight about it? Wait, did you look at this guy's  I.D.? He might be underage and living at his moms, which would be considered statutory which is just damn sexy. Why couldn't I have gotten statutory raped? Wait, I did. But you can't rape the willing. Because you can't fake a hard on.
   Guy #2. This guy is just collecting trophies. In the wild he would be a sought after mate because he is virile. He's a stud bull, spreading his seed like God damn well intended us to. How dare you look down on a man of God such as this. God's work is hard work.
   Guy #3. The Gold Club is a great first date. You can check out each other's bodies while you work up a sweat, grunting and groaning as you push....harder...Harder! He wanted to show you his massive biceps and titty balls. He wanted to impress you as he blew out his o-ring doing squats. Later on, you will be unimpressed by the size of his dick from all the steroid use. Oh wait...I thought you said Gold's Gym...What's wrong with the Gold Club? Everybody like lookin at titties.
   Guy#4. If this guy knew anything about women he would have known what color you were dying your hair. Some fucking shade of red. How do I know? Because all women want red fucking hair. There's this mistaken belief that you all look good with red hair. Where that came from I don't know, but just stop it. Red heads are gross. They're so milky I get lactose intolerant just looking at them. Red headed girls vaginas smell like they just got foot fucked by a sasquatch that just ran a marathon. I had a girl tell me once "I dye my hair because I just get bored with myself". Yeah well, if you bore yourself think about how WE feel.
   Guy #5. What? Fucking jackpot! Do you know how much cool shit is at Target? And he's a manager? He's a fucking baller! Shot Caller! 20% off manager's discount. He's the king like Jerry Lawler.




The best way to make spinach and feta manicotti is to start with quality pasta. This is a must. While your pasta is boiling (don't forget to add a little salt to the water, it adds flavor and raises the boiling temperature of the water) take a large bowl and mix your spinach and feta cheese. Feel free to throw in a little ricotta cheese if you are feeling crazy. Add the Italian spice trio (rosemary, thyme, and oregano) and pepper to taste. For your sauce always start with crushed tomatoes. The secret to a good sauce is a little red wine. Not too dry though, it will turn your sauce bitter. After your noodles are done just stuff your mixture into the noodles. Place them in a casserole dish, cover them with sauce and a little more cheese and bake for 35 minutes at 350. See, wasn't that more interesting that your stupid problems?
       In the list you provided there is only evidence I can see of one "date." Maybe I'm old fashioned but I don't consider a brief exchange of text messages a date yet you consider it two. Are you fifteen or just "special." If you are "special" then good for you, that picture you colored of Strawberry Shortcake is going on the fridge for sure, right by the report you wrote on tigers which you got an A- on. 
       According to you I went on fifteen dates last night with my waitress at Denny's. The seventh was the best, she said "Would you like more Dr.Pepper?" and I said "Yes." I think it may be love. Sorry to assault you with sarcasm but something has to get through helmet you are no doubt wearing. 
       Here is a thought: you can say "No." Try this on for size. "Hey girl, you want to go to the titty-bar?" "No, why don't we do something else." Look at that, a simple solution to the only actual date you went on. Yet you still waste my time. You see, every time I sit down to give a pathetic soul such as yourself advice I take a little part of the jewel-incrusted slice of heaven that is my brain and put it in your pocket. It is a gift from me to you that you can keep forever and I don't think you are worthy of such a prize.  
       Complaining about the guy not having a car just shows that you are a materialistic bitch. Get over yourself. Maybe his car was in the shop or maybe he just hit hard times. What's so fucking special about you. So what if he has three kids from three different women. The bible says it is better to spill your seed in the belly of a whore than upon the ground. You know that movie "I am number four?" Turns out it is about you. And so what if he works at Target? Have you seen the selection of sweaters they have? Pure as shit. I'm sure if he didn't have a job you would be begging him to go work at Target, especially when your baby comes. 
        The only thing I can assume is that he is hung like a dragon and makes you see little white lights in bed. If out of your "five dates" you only actually went somewhere once then the other four must have been you coming over to his house and servicing his man-needs. It's hard for me to feel sorry for you when you are still sticking around. You are just complaining (which should be an olympic sport for shallow hookers such as yourself) and doing nothing about it so eat shit and take your useless problems to the Pacific Ocean and throw them in the Challenger Deep. That way they can be as far from my ears as humanly possible. But I'm not sure that 36,000 feet of water is enough to keep your stupidity from offending me. You should shoot your problems into space so eventually when they reach an alien race they can learn what an ignorant cooze you are. 
         Hey, you want to go on a date later. At 9:30 i'll text you a picture of my dog taking a shit. My advice to you? Sew your mouth shut and cut off your fingers so you don't waste my time. Idiot. 

Patriotic duty

Dear Love Translators,
   I recently went out on a blind date with an ex-military guy who apparently has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder issues....I'm physically attracted to him, but afraid to get involved because of it. Am I just being insensitive?




Dear Insensitive America hating cunt rag,


   Why do you hate America so much? This poor guy goes to fight for your freedom wherever there's trouble and you won't even do your goddamn patriotic duty to give him a little slice of your apple pie? You selfish bitch. Next time you drive to Jack Pirtles for a foot long chili cheese dog and some chicken livers in gravy, listening to Lady Ga Ga and tweeting on your stupid Iphone 4 think about who sacrificed so that you could have the right to be such a stupid bitch. When our grandfathers were giving the krauts and Japs a run for their money our grandmothers waited for them to get off the boat on their knees and fellated them as soon as they got on American soil to show our gratitude as a nation. Yep, our grandmothers were right there waiting to interrogate Herman the one eyed German. You couldn't give our grandmothers enough of that hard Jap killin cock. That's why there was a baby boom. And when my dad got back from Vietnam killin all those Chinamen? My mom was right there ready. I mean, the least you could've done was give him an old fashioned under the table at the restaurant, but you're probably more attracted to French guys named Pierre who wear turtlenecks and berets and shit who will surrender to your pussy instead of real men like G.I. Joe there who would launch a full fledged attack on your pussy. You're the reason why men aren't men anymore. Real men go overseas and kill foreigners for whatever goddamn reason Uncle Sam tells them to and women used to think that was hot. My fuckin dad wore Charlie's guts around his neck and took pictures to send them back to my mom so she could flick the bean. My dad also had to survive off eating the corn kernals out of human feces in a POW camp while his friends got skinned alive. That's a real man for ya. Chicks don't appreciate manliness anymore. You're the reason all men will eventually look like Justin Bieber.




This is an easy problem to fix. What is the most likely scenario is that your man is not suffering from PTSD. He is probably suffering from a very similar syndrome called DUCS or dating a useless cunt syndrome. The symptoms are remarkably similar. Does is jump at the sound of loud noises? That is because his mind has been warped by listening to you constantly bitch about the fact that he does not make enough money. When flashes of bright light get in his eyes does he duck and cover? That isn't from prolonged artillery bombardment, it is from you turning the light on during sex and he thinks that he has accidentally killed an endangered African rhino with his dick, that would make anyone jumpy. Considering that you have only been on a blind date shows me that this man is a psychic. Your cunty aura is so powerful that he can sense the future nightmare of a relationship with a crazed donkey cooze such as yourself. 
         I honestly think you are close to the most useless human being I have ever had the displeasure of advising. If this poor guy does have PTSD then that just means he is a fucking badass. All the crazy shit that happened around this dude and he lived through it. Think about the opening scene from Saving Private Ryan. Now imagine yourself actually being there instead of on your couch gaining weight while you shove mound after mound of bon-bons in your cavernous maw while your toy poodle sniffs at your crotch wondering if a rat that suffered from athlete's foot died in there. It must be horrific. Being that this dude lived through that shit why would you not stick by him. When the dishwasher breaks and you are flipping out because your cunt Aunt Gertrude and her dickhead husband Carl are coming over later for shrimp cocktail and mint julips, your man will calmly bust out a wrench and fix it. Why? Because he has been stuck in a building while twenty people with machine guns and grenades tried to kill him and made it out. Remember that time that Janice from work told Emily that the banana nut bread you brought to the Christmas party was dry and tasteless and you cried in the bathroom for thirty minutes. Well this man has had fucking bombs go off near him. Kind of makes your pathetic little life seem a little smaller doesn't it. Why is that you ask? Because you are about as deep as a puddle of raccoon piss. 
        This man has seen the worst humanity as to offer which is probably why he still finds you, who probably resemble the crazy mother from Gilbert Grape, attractive enough to spend some time with. You should think god he has PTSD if he does. Your boring ass is just what he wants. You know how much better sitting on a couch on friday night watching whatever stupid "cop drama" you are into now listening to you go on and on about how "you would make a great forensic anthropologist because one time you had to get a dead bird off the porch" is than watching some one you consider a brother get vaporized? Shit, he doesn't mind that you weigh a metric ton because he was stuck in a goat shanty in the middle of the goddamn desert for two weeks fending off hordes of people that wanted to eat his dick with nothing but a few k-rations and a hershey bar to eat. Your large ass is his comfort zone. He knows as long as you are with in 15 feet there is mayo and cool ranch doritos close by. 
        So ask yourself this: What the fuck is so great about your shit? This dude is a manimal, what the hell are you? So think, next time you get rear-ended by a 98-year-old woman in Macy's parking lot (you just had to hit that president's day sale up for new silverware) and while you flip the fuck out this guy calmly gets out of the car and handles the situation that his "PTSD" really worked out for you. 
         Unless you wake up in the middle of the night with a combat knife jabbed in your chest because your snoring sounded exactly like the Arabic word for "fire" then my bad. I guess I'll take it back at your funeral. But really, the only person that would miss you would be your stupid poodle so no great loss. I hope that helped. Idiot.