Online dating?

What are you guys' thoughts on online dating?




       My thoughts on online dating are conflicted. The internet is a remarkable resource. Information is easy to access, plentiful, and cheap. The problem with the internet is that anyone can put anything up. Here is a great example: Wikipedia. Ask anyone you know that is a teacher and they will tell you that it is boarder-line impossible to get modern students to stop using Wikipedia as a source when doing research. This is because Wikipedia can be manipulated by anyone at any time. The information on the internet is almost always false with one of the only notable exceptions being this blog. All truth, all the time. That being said we should discuss the pros and cons of looking for love (or lovin') on the world wide web.
      Let's start with pros. As I understand it, the internet is a well spring of never ending poon or peen depending on your preference. Sites like Plenty of Fish, eharmony, etc provide an endless line of people who are looking for action. Shit, there is even a dating website devoted solely to having affairs if you are already in a relationship. They took the biggest bar in the world, put it on a website and let you scroll through prospective partners in a safe environment. I personally know people who have had massive amounts of success in the on-line world both in marriage and just getting some naked time. There has to be something there. But, as a fundamentally negative person who believes that everything is stupid I would like to spend a little more time focusing on the negative aspects of this stupid activity.
     Teachers hate when kids use Wikipedia as a source because the information is not reliable. This applies to online dating. People can completely invent a persona that is utterly false to portray themselves as something they are not. This may sound like a plus. You could say you are rice, have a ten inch dick, or any number of things but eventually the goal is too meet some one face to face in the actual world. What happens when the 5'10, 120 pound knock out you've been chatting with shows up for your date and is 4'8 and 190? What then? You've already order a beer and some cheese sticks and now you are stuck talking to the mother from "What's eating Gilbert Grape." "Oh that, that photo was from high school, after I had my fifth child I really grew into myself." "Excuse me miss, but I think you grew into six people that were standing by you at the bus stop as well. No biggie, just finish the cheese sticks, I know you want them, and enjoy your eventual heart attack." You think this is far from the truth? Think again. This kind of shit happens all the time. "Awesome, you left out the fact that you have a sixth finger on your left hand." "Great, I didn't realize you have the hoobastank logo tattooed on your forehead, how unique." "Fantastic, you have a conjoined twin." Get the idea? What you see is not necessarily what you get.
       Crazy and socially inept people lurk on the internet at every turn. The "safe" part of the internet also allows fucking nut-bags to prey on normal human beings. In the past, when you meet a person face to face, you could figure out in a fairly short amount of time if they were batshit or not but the internet takes that out of the equation. You can not convey tone in an email. Have many times have you recieved an email from someone and thought that they were being dickish or short only to find out later that there intentions were different? Some one can come across like a princess on the web but in the real world they are into cutting themselves to forget what daddy did to them. All you talk about on the internet is what you like. "Do you like movies, I like movies. Do you like the park, I like the park." Do you ever say "Do you wake up in the middle of the night crying because you are fucking insane?" Doubtful. Also, many people use internet dating because they are physically unable to communicate with another person on an actual level. They are awkward, weird, scarred of contact, and generally incapable of meeting some one face to face so the use the comfortable anonymity of the internet to do the work. It is very unlikely that you will meet some one and after working on them for eight hours of drinks and have them stab you while you sleep. If your communication is limited to three emails and a movie then your chances drastically increase.
      The internet also completely eliminates the drunk factor. You are probably not going to meet a drunk chick on the internet and arrange a meeting at that exact moment. You can do that in the real world. A drunk chick that is a nine will bang a three if she is in the right mood or really, really drunk. Booze is the great equalizer and it is useless on the internet. It even has the exact opposite result. How mant times have you gotten drunk and just emailed some chick on facebook your phone number thinking you are all sly and shit. "Give me a call if you want." Idiot.
       The real world is called that because it's fucking REAL. It exists. Meeting some one face to face is a time honored tradition that has worked for thousands of years so why change. But, if you are just trying to hit it then quit it I imagine it's a wonderful resource to lure in desperate, sad creatures that are attached to warm genitals. Just be warned. When some crazy person you penetrated shows up at your house at 3:45 on a Tuesday because "you are the one and her fifth grade teacher molested her" don't say I didn't warn you. Stick to porn and video games. You can always find willing people in the real world.





I'm all about it. I hate talking to people because no one can ever keep up with my amazing brain. Trolling for ass at a bar requires me to enter in to conversations with every manner of drunk troglodite. Also, I will rarely just spark up a random convo with a woman, because of women's favorite word they like to throw around: "creepy". Women call everyfucking thing creepy nowadays. If you open a door for a woman like your good southern mama tought you, you're being creepy. If you try and dance with a girl on a crowded dancefloor, you're being creepy. Good job, ladies. By throwing that word around all the time you've made all the gentlemen too nervous to want to talk to you for fear of being called a creep and now the only men that WILL talk to you ARE creeps because they don't give a fuck what you think. So if you ever wonder why good guys never approach you, there you have it.
   I love internet dating. Now instead of having to talk to you for hours to find out that you like Nickleback, faeries and write poetry (all things that will make me get up and walk right out the fucking door) I can just read that shit right on your profile. Online dating has lost much of the stigma attached to it. Plenty of relationships/ hookups nowadays begin on line. Yes, we have become that fucking lazy. Or maybe we're just really good at multitasking. Right now I am simultaneously writing this, checking my stocks, checking the weather for this week, visiting the Time Barbarians imdb page, and trolling for someone to fuck. But my experiences with online dating have been hit or miss. I will list a few of them here for you and you can decide.

1. Talkatron 9000- Started out great. She looked kinda cute from her pictures, but angles make all the difference, people. Always get a full body shot. We got along famously chatting on IM, but when we met for drinks at the bar she looked like a water buffalo and I could not get a word in edgewise. This woman was a marathon conversationalist. I was exhausted. I would have just gone home, but she bought all my food and drinks, so I felt obligated to bone the living shit out of her. Hey, I'm not selfish. I'm a good fucking date.You shouldn't  even go on a date unless you're willing to give the person an orgasm. If you're not, you're a gold digging, self important shithead that is so delusional that you think you're so special and people enjoy your company. Everybody just wants a nut and a nap. Are you still here?

2. Expiration date: Imminent. Totally fucking insane- This girl had a body like the women in those old paintings done back when food was scarce and thick people were attractive because, well you wanted to hang out with the motherfucker that had some food. Now, i love me some real women with curves, thick like Texas toast. This girl had an amazing body, but she should have an expiration date tattooed across her belly. Especially if she gets pregnant, it's all fucking over with. But she was a freak in the sack and gave the best head I ever experienced. I think there is a direct correlation between how good a woman gives head and her level of insanity. Our last date went something like this. I will refer to her as "Shithouse rat".
Shithouse rat: "I wanna come over. I baked you cheesecake brownies."
Me: "OK".
Shithouse rat: "We're not going to fuck, though. I'm practicing celibacy".
Me: "OK"

Of course she comes over and then jumps on me. Afterwards she cried and said I make her a bad person.
Me: "Thanks for the brownies. Get the fuck out of my house."

She called me once a week for the next year, drunk and crying at 3am, telling me she loved me. Those were good brownies.

3. G.I. Jane- I actually liked this one but our last conversation went like this.

G.I. Jane- "I'm enlisting in the military."
Me- "Why? That's stupid."
GI Jane- "Because I want to learn job skills and I'm sick of waiting tables."
Me- "But you may have to kill people you don't know just because someone tells you to."
GI Jane- "Beats waiting tables."
Me- "Get the fuck out."

You see, I like my women literate and intelligent with more than a fifth grade understanding of American History and global politics. Nationalism is never sexy. Chicks that are into America are most likely into Jesus and therefore, pro life. I'd rather fuck the dumpster behind an abortion clinic than a pro lifer, even if she does look like Bristol Palin. And if you aren't imaginative enough to think of something to do with you life other that be a stooge for America, well you probably also like Tobey Keith and NASCAR.

Well, I guess I didn't make a very good case for internet dating. But that sure was a fun trip down memory lane, wasn't it? However, good or bad, at least I'm dating, while you are going to jerk off to youporn again tonight and then cry yourself to sleep. Or, if you're a women, you'll cry yourself to sleep in the bathtub with a pint of Ben and Jerry's (chunky monkey) after you finished your hundredth Danielle Steel novel and you will drown and all your cats will have to eat your disgusting dead, flabby flesh to keep from starving and they will find you in a week, half eaten by Chairman Meow and Sarah Jessica Pouncer.

Remember, it's spring time! The sap is rising! Love is in the air!