Well, there could be a number of reasons. One is that maybe you look like a man. Maybe he's fighting his gayness so hard that the easiest transition to straight life he can think of is to make it with the most mannish woman he can find. I bet you have an Adam's apple and back hair, don't you?
But then again with just those paltry reasons you listed why are you so certain of his orientation? Sure, maybe he acts feminine, but that's the style nowadays. Metro sexual anyone? But a beer belly? That's a very manly attribute. Most gay men I know have very sculpted abs that you just want to run your hands all over and....Oh, I'm sorry. I got off track there for a minute. He owns a cat? Lot's of manly men own cats. My writing partner on this thing sews dresses, drinks beer and likes metal. Figure that one out. Metal is only for the straightest of straight men.
Double chin? what's gay about that? Although it would make a handy shelf for some balls. Hmmmmm....
Purple fireplace? I bet Prince has a purple fireplace. And you would think Prince is the gayest gay man ever, but that's just his game. While you were bagging on him for being gay he would bag your girlfriend and then go play 14 musical instruments, all bad ass.
The biggest problem I see here is that you were dishonest. What's wrong with "no, I don't want to fuck you". Saying "Check back in 6 months" leads this guy to believe that he has a snowball's chance in hell at some point, and everyone loves a challenge. I love it when girls don't want to fuck me. It's more fun to play the game, to make people work for it. This guy just wants to bone you more now and he's constantly scheming every time he looks at you.My advice? Quit fucking stereotyping people, shave your back hair and be fucking honest. You know, you may want to be thankful that anyone wants to fuck you at all, because from your letter you sound like a complete fucktard. And so what if he is gay? I wish that every other man on earth was gay except me. Then I would have to please alllll the women, which is my greater goal anyways. So, for being such an idiot, you have to purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.
So, all you need to be gay is a purple fireplace, beer-belly, double-chin, and a cat. That's it? I always understood that gay men like to have sex with other gay men. Hence the term "gay man." The act of trying to have sex with you (a woman) kind of defeats the "why do gay men ask me out" argument. You see, the only real qualifier that makes some one "gay" or "straight" is their sexual preferences, not a goddamn fireplace. That's like saying that everyone that owns a panel van is a child molester. Some people legitimately just want to pass out candy, what's wrong with that. I think what we are witness to here is the classic "act like you are gay to make yourself less threatening and then bang that chick" pickup technique. It has many names but the idea is the very simple: women love gay men, they trust them, tell them their secrets, and change clothes in front of them. This is a fact because women know gay me are not interested in their particulars (aka: vaginapussy). So, if a straight man with gay characteristics can get the "gay safety bubble" formed around him in a woman's mind there is no force in heaven or hell that can stop the torrent of dry-humping that is on the way. I have even heard of people using the "I just want to know if I'm really gay" variation on the technique. This is not the wisest of ideas and could damage your reputation but a starving man can't be picky so who am I to judge.
So, just to be sure, lets run through a quick check list to see if it really is the "gay/straight reverse." 1) Have you ever gone shopping together. When you ask for advice on how a dress looks he starts pinching the sides and under the bust and talking about the "fit of the garment?" 2) Has he ever professed to being an "antique nut?" 3) Has he cried during a movie (a girl movie like The Notebook, not Jaws or Alien or anything rad)? 4) Has he ever said these words: "This sunset is beautiful." 5) Has he ever spent more than thirty seconds talking about how handsome one of his co-workers is? 6) Does he know the words to three or more show tunes? 7) Does he ride a bicycle built for two? 8) Is he afraid of churches (gay men are like vampires, they can't stand the sight of a cross)? 9) Does he wear pants that were made for women? 10) Does he have a mustache?
Here's what these really mean. 1) An excuse to feel you up. Gets you comfortable with touching so it's not that big of a deal when he starts fingering away. 2) What, antiques are badass. It's a piece of history you shithead. Read a book. 3) Showing you his "sensitive side. Breaks down barriers and helps build "gay safety bubble" of non-intimidation. 4) Trying to show depth of soul. Like deep inside him lurks a very pensive, tortured straight man that would be happy as hell to let you blow him. 5) Not gay, could be respect for another good-looking brother but mostly gives you two common ground to begin discussing issues pertaining to mutual attraction. 6) Most show tunes end with true love winning the day and men in every production I am aware of will fly across the universe singing of his true love for a woman. Ladies, be honest, the little gal in the boat just shivered a little didn't she. 7) No excuse. Even the gayest man in the world thinks these are gay. If you ride a two-seater bike you are beyond help, stuck in sexual limbo. Too gay to be gay but WAY too gay be straight. 8) This is a reaction to the recent influx of vampire shit. The vampires today are all very homo-erotic. Shit, Anne Rice's vampires basically jerked each other off with regularity. Yet none of these vampires are actually gay. This pisses gay men off. Also, if you spent your entire life being told you were going to hell because of who you were, wouldn't you be wary of those pricks? 9) I just barfed a little into my mouth. Jesus, two of my best friends do this. God I hope they suffer. Absolute bullshit. 10) Unless your name is Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds a mustache is suspect. As is anything that was considered "macho" in the 1970's and 1980's.
So, if a man exhibits 0-2 of these characteristics he is probably straight. Again, what's wrong with antiques fucker, I love that shit. 3-6 characteristics, probably actually gay. 7 or more, too gay for actual gay men so you are being stalked.
What should you do? Who gives a shit. So many people out there are lonely as hell and you are pissing and moaning about dudes coming after you. Buy some bear spray and next time he comes to talk to you scream "AWAY FROM ME HOMOSEXUAL" and bear-mace the balls out of him. Or you could buy a kiddie pool and drown yourself. Or you could be happy with your pseudo gay man. He will alter your clothes, help clean up around the house, go antiquing (I swear to God, fucking say something, I fucking dare you), make sure your stupid little dog is always groomed, and always be ready to listen. It seems to me that a gay man is really the perfect man for 99% of women out there. Too bad real ones think vaginas are gross. Which they kind of are if you think about it. Especially fat people. It's like a petri dish. All warm and moist, just a breeding ground for bacteria. Seriously, If you weigh over 350 pounds is your shit just like the bog of eternal stench? You can't reach it to clean it. Do you just grab the sprayer from the sink and hope for the best? I mean, as sweaty as you are it probably gets pretty damp down there, like a Louisiana swamp in August. And then the mega-bush, damn. Bits of cotton candy and half-eaten cornnuts all stuck in the hairs. I'll bet it smells like dumpster juice from a paper mill. Damn. I suddenly really want an Arby-q.
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