I have recently been thinking about settling down. I have lived the bar life for over a decade and would like to meet a nice girl that is worth spending more than a drunken night with but I am so used to talking to and meeting girls when I am drunk. Where do I find a girl that's worth a shit in the long term?
Signed, Sick of the Bullshit.
Well sir, it appears that you are ready to take a big step in your life and I, for one condone it. Youth doesn't last. If you keep at the bar scene for long enough you will cease to be the cool older dude at the bar that is living the dream and eventually become the creepy old fuck that should have somewhere else to be, it's a sad fact of life. This is a tough transition to make. You spend most of your life searching for women in a certain way and it gets to the point that those women have nothing to offer you but it can be hard to unlearn what you know. In an ideal world you could meet some fine young thing at a bar and eventually figure out that neither of you like the late night scene anymore and transition into a calmer life but the world is far from ideal. So lets just go over a few pointers that should help you get pointed in the right direction.Rule 1: Nothing good ever happens after 2AM. That isn't to say that FUN shit doesn't happen after 2 but GOOD things never do, and yes, there is a big difference. The only thing that lurks at this time in the morning are cops, drama, V.D., and unwanted pregnancy. A shit-ton of fun things have happened to me in the AM but never anything that my mother would be proud of. Most early morning excursions end with some drunk broad screaming that her father was abusive and you are an insensitive prick (this is after you've had sex by the way, she still has sperm in her hair) because you didn't get a towel quick enough to clean up the previously referenced sperm. Or perhaps with you waking up at the crack of noon trying desperately to figure out how you can keep your friends from discovering that you fucked a minotaur while simultaneously wondering if there was any chance that you knocked this beast up. Or this is always great: two days later your buddy says "yeah dude, I heard that chick has space aids." Fuck that shit.
Rule 2: If someone will fuck you within six hours of being introduced they are not child-raising material. This goes for you as well ladies, as do all these rules. Flash forward 24 years into the future. Your 20-year-old daughter has just had her heart broken by her high school sweetheart and she comes to her mother devastated looking for advice. "Mom, Johnny broke up with me, what should I do?" "Well honey, I think you should go and let any and every dude in town fuck you for a three to five year period depending on how long it takes you to get your first herpes or pregnancy scare. Hope that helps buttercup."
Rule 3: YOU WILL NEVER MEET A NICE GIRL(or dude) AT A BAR!!! This is the golden rule. Now, you can meet some one at a friends house or elsewhere and then kindle a romance with them at a bar, totally different. What I am saying is if you are in violation of Rule 3 a healthy relationship will not spring forth. I find that saying something out loud is sometimes the best way to figure out if something works so lets do a little experiment. Say this out loud: "Yeah, so we were totally shit-faced. I look across the room and there she(or he) was, this angel that was so drunk she was cross-eyed. I went up to her and asked her if she liked movies and she said yes. We talked about movies for a while an I said "Hey, we should go watch the Goonies." We went to my house and right about the part where they are playing that organ made out of bones I stuck two fingers into her ass. That's how I met your mother buddy. Don't forget to be a gentleman." Fail.
Following these rules will help. Where can you meet girls that doesn't involve drunken sluts passing their genitals around? Good question. 1) school (upper level classes only): they are motivated, career minded, and smart. 2) the grocery store: no shit, they are buying food, can possibly cook, and no one expects to get hit on at Kroger's. You must think like a ninja. 3) church. yes church. it must be a liberal church that allows gay and non-white people. In this situation you can find a girl that has good moral fortitude but will still fuck you. (this piece of advice is not original, it comes from a very reputable source. Maybe you've heard of it: the Bible. Leviticus 6:24. Praise him. 4) A therapists office. Issues=winning. Nothing quite like an insecure person you can walk all over until you grow old together. 5) the beach: everyone is half naked anyway, it's just one small step towards penetration. 6) Your buddies house. You know she's the marriage type, she married your friend. You can just ask him if she is a good woman and the snatch her ass right out from under him. Let his dumb-ass do the leg work.
Happy hunting.
Dear Bullshit,
I understand completely. I too am sick of the bar scene. In this small town you just can never meet anyone anymore that twenty of your friends haven't fucked. God forbid you get in relationship with her and then you bring her around the boys, maybe to watch the game or something and some of your friends are thinking about that time they ran a train on her, or went ass to mouth with her and now she's your special boo and you kiss her on the lips. I have never had a meaningful relationship start at a bar. In fact, most of my "last call lovin" hookups have ended terribly. Let me run you down a list of the last few: 1. Had space AIDS. 2. We fucked for a couple of weeks, then she decided she wanted to get back with her scumbag ex boyfriend because I wasn't creating enough drama in her life. 3. This one's vagina smelled like an abortion clinic dumpster caught on fire, she had a fucked up Joni Mitchell bush and she woke up in the middle of the night and yakked in my closet. 4. Kept trying to get me to raw dog her. If a girl will let ME raw dog her, knowing my reputation...then she would probably let a leper do it who's dick was hanging on by a thread of rotting flesh. Golden rule, never raw dog anyone! Unless you dip your dick in vodka afterwards which kills all STD's. Scientific fact.
My friend's grandmother once said "You don't look for a peach under a lemon tree" and that has stuck with me for a long time. My colleague listed some of these places, but I'm going to make you my own list of the best places to pick people up, or at least tell you what has worked for me.
1. The coffee shop- All kinds of young, hip college age chicks hang out there. All wearing glasses and doing their homework and shit. Girls doing homework is hot because , believe it or not, we actually like it when y'all are smart. You can actually have a conversation at the coffee shop. You don't have to shout over some shitty bar rock band. 9 out of 10 times people actually leave the bar and go fuck just so they don't have to listen to fucking John Paul Keith and the 145's or whatever other local hack bar band may be playing.
2. The Gym- Let's face it, you need to get up off your fat ass and lose some weight anyhow. Lots of people are at the gym looking to hook up. The best part about it is, if someone looks good at the gym, it can only get better from there. If you think that girl is hot while she's all sweaty and red faced wearing sweatpants after her zumba class, think about how good she's gonna look cleaned up.
3. The Dog Park- If you don't own a dog, go borrow one. It's a perfect in. She'll think you're all sensitive an shit because you just wuv wittle mr. woofypants! He's a big fat stinker. A big, fat fuzzy wuzzy witlle buddy! Aren't we? Who is it? whoooooo is it it? Dawwwwww.....Somebody's a specialtons! A special wecial witlle shtinkerton!
4. Church- I know my colleague already said it, but I'm not wholly behind this one. I went to church for a minute. Only go this route if you're really willing to lock you one down for forever, because those chicks were not coming off it before marriage, no way. Maybe there's an awesome church somewhere with a bunch of sluts who are all holy on the surface but later on will let you dump on their chests, but not this one. You're better off waiting for church girls after they get divorced. They get married, have a couple kids and then realize they never got to enjoy their teenage years and then they turn into bar sluts. Yeah Jesus saves, but he doesn't save you from the boring drudgery and reality of your miserable marriage and sex life. Yeah, two virgins getting married that never watched a porno in their life sounds like a great idea. Probably worst sex ever.You really don't want to end up with one of these girls. They just fucking prattle on an on about jesus day in and day out. It's not that great of a book. The only book in the bible worth reading is the Song of Solomon because it's a poem that talks about titties and shit and you can beat off to it if you're stuck in a hotel room, can't afford Pay Per View and all you have is the Gideons.
5. In the day to day- There's women everywhere. Some of them have jobs and that's sexy. Maybe she's the cute waitress at Perkins. after you first see her go to that Perkins everyday and just stare at her from the corner. That's the quickest way to a woman's heart. The grocery store is good. Keep going down whatever aisle they are shopping on and act like you're trying to decide what you want, but make sure you always stand behind them, just barely in their peripheral vision. Try to catch their name and look them up on facebook and then never talk to them. The 21st century has taken stalking to a whole new level.
6. Online- Online dating sites are no longer taboo. really, it's a quick way to wade through all kinds of bullshit without really having to interact. Oh, I see from your profile that you like Faeries, Nickleback and you write poetry? I'll just not respond to you and save you the heartbreak of me having to tell you to your face that you're the mental equivalent of my cat's ass worms.
Hope this helped!
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