Shallow?

Dear Love Translators,
I have a great girlfriend. She is intelligent and independent and basically my best friend. She's also beautiful...from the waist up. You see, I'm what you would call an "ass man" and she has a VERY flat butt. As time goes on I find myself less sexually attracted to her and she's starting to notice. I'm sorry, but I can't help it and I can't fake it. What should I do? Am I that shallow?
                                                                                       Troubled in Jonesboro


Jonesboro,
   Yes, you are about as shallow as a pissed in kiddie pool. You're not an "ass man", you're just an ass. So you're dating a "war hero". That's what I call girls with no asses, because I like to imagine her ass got shot off in the war. Let me break the news to you, fucktard. There are no perfect women out there. In the real world everyone has physical flaws and if they don't they will eventually. Everyone gets gross in the end. I think you should break up with that poor girl and let her find an man that's not a troglodite. If she's everything you say she is she will be able to find a man that will worship her, that will cook her dinner and then fuck her on the dining room table and that will give her back rubs and then go down on her for an hour. You see, often times our physical flaws are what builds character in us. Sure, there are girls out there that are perfect "10's" but they're usually fucking worthless, because they've never had to strive for anything in their lives. I've dated some fine ass women. Let me share with you a few examples where the Hot/Worthless ratio is in full effect.

1. #3- I nicknamed her this not because she was my third girlfriend, but because she hit a fucking wall like Dale Earnhardt after she spit out about 9 kids. Back in the day she was so fine. I'm glad I never married that land beast. It just goes to show you that beauty will not last. You better find you a woman that can stimulate you mentally. We all get old, but the mind is the last thing to go, usually so you better find a woman that is at least entertaining. Imagine being old and gross and having an old and gross wife that babbles on endlessly about nothing. no thanks.

2. Narnia- this girl was physically perfect. The first woman I ever had laid out before me that I could find no physical flaw with. And she had a magical vagina. It was another portal to Narnia and a unicorn sucked you off from inside. I think she must've put sugar in her pussy or somethin. But goddamnit she was dumb as a box of rocks. and mean. and shallow. and petty. and lazy. She's currently speeding towards that wall because she'll never exert any effort to take care of herself because she's never exerted any effort in her life. everything's been handed to her in hopes of getting a free passage to Narnia. get it while you can boys. She's going bad quick like a banana in the fridge.

3. Dragon cunt-. This bitch had a body like no other. perfect ass. She also had IBS and we'd be on dates and she'd have to go find a bathroom and take horrid shits. Her vagina also stank. It wasn't that she was unclean, I had seen her wash it (i even helped a lot of the time) it just smelled just very vagina-y. it was too much. it smelled like she had been foot fucked by a marathon running leper who had lost some toes in there two weeks ago. Now, I love eating pussy, but after our first date I never went down on her again. She also turned out to be nuttier than one of George Washington Carver's turds. Certifiably insane. She had no tolerance for alcohol. 3 beers and her brain would shut off and she would turn in to her "other" personality. You ever know someone that develops another personality when they get shithoused? I nicknamed her's "Brittany". One time she was sloppy drunk and put on some Brittany Spears and did a strip tease, trying to seduce me. Yeah, baby there's nothing sexier than a slobbering, stumbling drunk with a smelly bajango. My penis was never softer.

Now, you just have to ask yourself what you want out of life. If you want to spend your years chasing really hot pussy, you'll probably succeed in fucking some pretty hot girls if you follow our relationship advice. Eventually you will get old and lonely and wish that you had strove for more meaning in your life.  But if you want to have a meaningful relationship with a woman that you can love and respect as your equal and who you can both help along in life and share a beautiful experience with, then pull your head out of your own ass, fucktard, and stick your tounge up your girlfriend's flat ass, then kiss her on the mouth, tell her you love her, pull her hair, throw her down on the bed and make sure she's satisfied each and everyday! OR give me her number and I'll console her while you're out fucking strippers. By the way, what the fuck do you look like? I'm sure you're a real catch. you know, we as men are lucky that any of these fine ass women will even consider fucking us. We're all hairy an shit with beer guts and receding hair lines and we smell like old locker rooms and balls. PLUS! you live in Jonesboro you dumb shit! There's like, one semi hot girl that even lives there! Troubled in Jonesboro? Isn't that redundant? Oh you sure have big problems! Your girlfriend is 100% awesome but only 85% smoking hot! They should do telethons for you like they do for starving African children with flies on their faces. You have real problems my friend. Consider yourself the luckiest guy in Arkansas, count your blessings and quit sending me submoronic shit not worthy of my time.


Ahhh Jonesboro, where dreams go to die. If you are from Jonesboro then you probably won't be able to read this but seeing as I can not write this using only shapes and colors you will just have to try and keep up. There is no man on the planet that is good enough for his woman. Period. Women are beautiful creatures. They are soft, have boobies, are genetically predisposed to take care of other people, generally good smelling, and are very in tune with long term decisions. Men are not stupid and I am not going to kiss anyone's ass with that old "women are so much smarter than men" bullshit, but I will say that it constantly amazes me that women put up with any of our shit ever. If I was a woman I would be a pager toting, box munching, line-backer of a lesbian before I would deal with any of the shit ladies put up with from us. So mostly, you should be happy as fuck that any woman is interested in spending time with you. period. You are not worth it.
        Mostly what you are suffering from is what I like to call "the grass is greener" syndrome. This refers to the statement "the grass is greener on the other side of the lake" but in this case I am not talking about grass, I am talking about ladies and their delicate parts. You are from Jonesboro so hopefully that was easy to comprehend and your helmet isn't causing you problems while you read. Many times, a person will be in a happy, average to good relationship and meet another person and their mind starts tick-tick-ticking away. You invent a fictitious relationship in your head that isn't real and is therefore perfect. "She wouldn't mind when I came home wasted at four in the morning. He would love to watch American Idol with me. She would let me blow loads in her face and tell her friends my dick was gigantic. He would cook for me and clean the house. etc." This is total bullshit. It never works that way because the only place that person lives is in your brain. But when you are in a relationship you can convince yourself that you are either "settling" or could do better. Normally though, when you cross the lake the grass on the other side is shitty, thinks it is going to be a writer so can't possible get a job to help you pay rent (some one with so much talent can't work like all of the other uncultured fucks that haven't read a James Joyce novel), gets violently drunk, lies that some one tried to rape and kidnap them, doesn't flush the toilet after taking a monster shit, and just sucks in general. At this point you can appreciate your original grass for what it is but your original grass has moved on and is fucking your friend. Now you are fucked. Stuck in a shitty yard that leaves maxi-pads in the sink while your awesome yard moves to Wisconsin to get fucked by a minor league baseball player. So, enjoy what you have.
          When you reach a certain age you begin to appreciate what you have and not pine for what you don't. I don't need much. All i need is a woman who does not weigh more than me, will occasionally leave me alone, can talk about things besides other girls being bitches and fashion, and will semi-regualrly let me make sweet, sticky love to her in the style of the dog. Do I need a woman who hums "old man river" on my ball-sack?: No. Do I need a woman that lactates ginger ale?: No. Do I need a woman that can tie her body into a pretzel so you feel like you are having sex with a knot of some description?: No. Would these things be cool?: probably. But why in the name of Christian Fucking Walker would you give up a perfectly good woman just because she didn't shit strawberry laffy taffy? So what if your woman does not have the perfect ass? Everything else about her seems great so what's the problem? I'll bet you fart in front of her and giggle (because it's funny, no judgement here) but do you think chicks like that shit? She's imagining you raising something that came out of her vagina-tummy and you are acting like a six-year-old. Fuck you dude. You are what's wrong with America.
            Being that I am now pleasantly pissed I can say that nothing would make me happier at this moment than finding out that you are sterile. If Hagrid came to my house right now and told me I was wizard, then gave me a bag full of money, then told me the bag was also magic and could turn anything I put into it into a DVD of Monster Squad, then turned my house into a castle and transported the castle to middle-earth where I would apprentice under Gandalf for six months or so before becoming a badass, staff wielding motherfucker myself it still wouldn't make me happy as you not being able to breed. I take it back, I want you to be able to have children but when your woman gives birth all that comes out is a a bag of marshmellow peeps and a sign that says "you will get pneumonia and die on Thursday." And none of the peeps have asses either. And they all get pregnant at thirteen and you have to raise your assless/half marshmellow grandchildren because their father is touring in a jam band. Be happy that there is a woman in Jonesboro that anyone would consider "awesome" and just leave it at that. If you want to see big asses so bad just watch some fucking porn and then go back to your great relationship.
           Fuck man, why are you focusing on the ass in the first place? "Sure man, she does everything perfect, is hot as fuck, complements me perfectly, is awesome to be around, but you know, the thing that actual turdshit comes out of isn't really doing it for me." Are you fucking kidding me? Would you turn down a mansion on the beach in Hawaii because the septic tank was a little smaller than you are used to?  All of the poor bastards in this world that got knocked up by a drug dealer because they were a little careless as a teenager, found out a little to late that their honey-pie is a raging alcoholic but can't afford to get a divorce, or married a person that just up and decides one day that their life calling is to blow glass pipes and sell them at Widespread Panic shows and you are bitching about a great woman with a "smaller than you would like" ass? What the fuck. My perfect woman exists but you know what she doesn't have?, a god damn army of ninjas at her beck and call that would fuck any body up that I wanted. You should be happy that this is the case or your dumb-ass would be up to your nipple hair in ninjas right now. And these ninjas are the cool kind. They won't just kill you. They will bury you in a pit of fire ants and pepsi clear with nothing but the Cosmo surveys on "how to please your man" to read. Let you suffer like that for just long enough that you pray for death, then let you out and give you 10 grand and tell you it was just a test. Then, when you get comfortable and finally out of therapy for the post traumatic stress syndrome the ninjas and fire ants induced and have settled down in a nice apartment in an older neighborhood (nothing too expensive but it does have built in bookshelves which is just fabulous, and your neighbor is an interesting old man that tells stories about the war and collects stamps) they re-appear out of no-where and cut your fucking head off with blazing ninja speed and ferocity. BOOM. ninjafied.
 

Is Dating Outdated?

Why don't guys ask girls out on dates anymore? It seems like guys only get girls' numbers never to call or they call really late at night when I'm already asleep for an obvious reason...and I'm not going down that road. (can't wait to see the response on this one haha!)







It's sort of a long term plan but men everywhere met up on golf courses and at Masonic meetings and decided on a plan to drive down women's self esteems en masse. We all decided that we would get your numbers and then never call, hoping that you'll be sitting at home crying and eating an entire french silk pie by yourself. Our operatives in the fashion industry have planted all those waif like, heroin chic models just to fuck with y'all. We actually like curves, but we want to knock y'all down a few notches collectively. You're much easier to control when you're always trying to win our approval. but we will never approve. 



Real answer? I don't fucking know. Maybe you're a hideous loser. Maybe your vagina smells like the belly of a slave ship. Probably not because they eventually call late at night, but maybe they have to down an entire bottle of scotch to want fuck a land beast like yourself. I'm just speculating. Maybe you're smoking hot. I'll tell you why I personally don't ask girls out anymore.


1. The creepy factor- I've discussed this before. Every man that approaches a woman nowadays is being "creepy", so we just gave the fuck up. Oh, sorry I just made 1.5 seconds of eye contact because I think you're pretty. Can you stop blowing that rape whistle please? For a while I tried the neutral approach. Because all I ever heard was girls talk about guys creeping on them, I would give a girl my number. You can call me if you want, if not, it's cool. That way there's no pressure. If you're not interested, no sweat. Well apparently women also want to be pursued. Well, make up your fucking minds. I can't keep up anymore. That approach also never worked because most women refuse to be proactive about anything. I've watched too many of my girlfriends with their eye on a dude across the bar, but they won't go talk to the dude. They'd rather just sit there all night and wish that he'd come over but He's at the opposite end of the bar afraid to look at you for fear of being called a creep. 
2. The wrong number- I've had so many women that I approached hand me a wrong number, or if it really is their number they never answer or call back. This is so common, it fucking sucks. Hey I got a great idea. How about saying "no". Oh, I forgot, that one syllable is too much effort for Ms. Princess to form her lips around. It might cause her a few seconds of discomfort. Avoid honesty at all costs. I'll give him my number and he'll quit calling after the 35th time. I made a rule for myself years ago. The "one call/ one text" rule. If I call you or text you one time and you don't call back, it's over. I'm not going to pursue your fucking ass. who the fuck do you think you are? is your vagina the holy grail? I think it's probably more like the whorey petri dish of disgust.
3. Tremendous effort- women always complain about how much they have to put in to themselves for us to like you. Bullshit, you're a victim of a real conspiracy by the make up/ fashion/ diet food/ exercise equipment industries. You didn't have to spend all that money on that dress, make up, jewelry and those thong underwear. We'd actually prefer you in our old Iron Maiden t shirt and a pair of white cotton panties. A woman could walk out of her house wearing a burlap sack and snap her fingers and have 10 guys easily willing to give you a stiff dicking within 100 feet of your house. It's actually a lot harder for us men to win your approval.
   We have to have a career, we have to smell good, we have to have at least one article of clothing that doesn't have fucking paint on it, we have to be funny. There's a million other hoops we have to jump through every day for y'all just to bestow some pussy on us. That's why men got so aggressive in the first place. It is a constant struggle for us to get laid while y'all have to fight off dicks at every turn.
   Why don't you do a man a favor and ask him out. Turn the whole fucking tables around. We would appreciate it. We're tired of having to work so hard to feel appreciated. And when we call you late at night? It's because we were busting our asses all day trying to make something of ourselves so that you might consider fucking me and I had to get really drunk to have the courage to call you. Why is this so wrong? What, did you want to hang out during the day or something? Really, what are you even complaining about. If I could skip the awkward dinner, save the money I was gonna spend going out and just do my thing all day, and then at the end of the day have someone come over and fuck me and then leave I would be happier than a puppy with two peters. But I guess I'm one of the few humans that are sane, rational, self confident and not desperate. I think you should kill yourself. remember to hold the gun at a 35 degree angle.




      God titty fucking skunk raping lawn munching dammit. I hate questions like this almost as much as I hate stinging insects and men that cry. "Why don't guys ask anyone out anymore" (said in a stupid, uncreative, whiny bitch voice)? Here's a thought: who gives a fuck. Some things stop for a reason. When was the last time you saw some one with a pager? Long time right? That's because they are useless. Asking for a girls number is like sticking your dick in a beehive. Maybe one in a million times you will stick it in and find only warm, sticky, honey all over your balls but every other 999,999 times an army of pissed of bees will sting your dick back to 1983. Most people are stupid but almost everyone only has to put their hand in a fire once before they realize it's hot. My gut and experience tells me that guys stopped asking for your number personally because you are a velociraptor. 
      The short answer to your question is simple. Guys don't ask girls out because it sucks. I have said it before that when you are trying to sell yourself and no one is buying it is a horrible, humiliating experience. Getting up the courage to ask for some one's number is miserable. It is much easier to wait until you are drunk, strike up some completely bogus conversation concerning how we rescue pandas or some shit, and then ball your brains out. If we wake up in the morning and don't want to stick a steak knife in our eyeballs then asking for your number is much easier. After you have seen where another person pees getting their number is much less intimidating. You wouldn't buy a car with out driving it right? 
     The more accurate answer is that guys stopped asking girls out because girls starting putting out immediately. I very good friend of mine and I had a conversation once about girls that will fuck you after meeting you for five hours. It is gross. It is appreciated. It will never lead to a relationship. We agreed that it is relationship suicide to fuck on the first date. Guys like to chase. Name a sport where people sit in one spot and shit just falls in their lap. The new "what's your number" is a guy trying to fuck you at a bar. I am sorry but times change. If you go and fuck him then you get a big fist bump from me but you failed the prospective partner test. The next time you are out and some dude is putting it on don't fuck him. He will get all confused and say "what the fuck is up with this chick, why won't she fuck me? Is her vagina made of hope and wishes and unicorn dreams and backrub juice? This woman is a mystery that I must solve." Then there is an actual chance for 1950's-esque dating to occur. If you keep spreading open like the red sea then you can't bitch about dudes not asking you out. There is no need, you gave up the cap too quick. That screams to every dude that breathes air that this wasn't your first rodeo and no dude wants to date the town's mechanical flesh bull. 
       What really worries me is how did a velociraptor survive the extinction of the rest of the dinosaurs? I mean, the impact that happened in the Yucatan around 65 million years ago contributed to the death of the larger reptilian creatures on the Earth and the combined effects of the massive Indian Plateau eruptions and a series of glacial periods helped kill the rest yet you survived. I thought most velociraptors that survived evolved into birds yet you stayed a lizard. How does that work. You those big-ass claws on your feet cause problems? Like, do you stub them on shit or rip pants when you put them on? And what's deal with other dinosaurs? Could they all ask stupid questions and come off as superficial cunts? Could they all waste a good thirty minutes of life that I could have spent fucking a beehive? Who would have thought that the last surviving dinosaur on the Earth turned out to be an annoying moron? Neat. 

Why even bother?

Why even bother?

 I’m a 33 year old single woman, no children, gainfully employed. I’ve accepted the fact that I will die alone (I got a cat) but my friends and family can’t seem to make sense out of my intention to stay this way. They say I’m too young to be this jaded (sure) but that’s not it!  I've formed so many little idiosyncracies that it would be impossible to clue some straggler into my personal world; and naïve to think that this ‘perfect person’ would want to suffer through a re-telling of my life anyway. Add that to the weariness that comes from all those failed relationship attempts and I easily tire of having to explain myself: where the fuck I went to high school, what’s my favorite color, what are you doing next Tuesday, blah blah blah…

 My question is a 3-parter

1) Is it weird to just check out like this?  Just one day say you’re done with the bullshit and mean it? I haven’t been laid by anything other than technology in so long you’d think I was nursing a raging STD, but I don’t have to go meet some fool up at the windjammer and pay for his drinks either.  I can go to my local jack-shop and pre-select whatever penis size I want.  I can throw $50 worth of fizz in the tub, lounge for an hour, then take a friend out to dinner. I can listen to all of her child/husband related bullshit and congratulate myself for being a clever bitch . No awkward first fucks, no monthly countdown for my period because your dumb ass forgot to pull out, and no random “did this assclown just give me the herps” terror. 

Also- Erasure can be played whenever I feel like it…

2) Is it healthy??  Every other aspect of my life is full and vibrant, but I worry I’ve been programmed since I was a little girl to expect an outcome that I now refuse to even consider. I can't help that I prefer my vibrator to random drunken hook-ups (the last guy pissed in my closet)  and I know I'll never find some new breed of Midtown boy who managed to make it out of the 90s disease/wife/child/addiction free. So,will I be harmed by forcing frigidity?? 

3) Why is being a single woman in her 30s such a problem? I'm not trolling for ass- where's the threat- I'm not bothering anyone!  Folks see a cute lady, unravaged by the effects of motherhood and wifedom, and automatically want to call her a lesbian or couple her up. I don't think finding Mr. Right is worth my time, (I'm pretty sure I'll find the Easter Bunny faster anyway)

Truth: No matter how cute he is now, he will turn into a beer gut with a pulse and a penchant for pork rinds. 

 I look to you doctors…

Holy fucking Jesus Christ. Your game is fucking tight. I think I just came. I think you might be the perfect woman for me (except you're about 10 years too old). I have to break your letter down on piece at a time.

I have spent many years taking a zen approach to dating, and my mantra was handed down to me by my zen master, Phil Collins. He said "I don't care anymore" on the first track from his 1982 solo debut "Hello I Must Be Going". It takes discipline, but if repeated many times the meaning of this mantra will sink in to your heart. In every other area of your life the ways to achieve what you want is to be diligent and steadfast in the pursuit of your goal EXCEPT when it comes to love. When it comes to love you have to not give a fuck if you have it or not and only then will you find it.
 You caught my attention and I've never even seen you. You might look like the mom from the Goonies, but I sure wanted to fuck your email. Here's where you rule.

1. You're not a talker? Are you really even a woman because I never met a woman that knew when to shut up. I actually think the perfect woman for me would only communicate with points, grunts and gestures. Like, she would point at my dick and then her fuckhole and grunt. I just came again thinking about it. 
You don't want to explain your idiosyncrasies, your life story or yourself in general? Amazing, because no one wants to hear that shit anyways. Unless your stories involve killing bears with a mint toothpick in the Yukon, or getting sent in to Vietnam to rescue a group of POWs like John Rambo, we just don't give a fuck. Unless your life is more interesting than mine, I don't want to hear about it. Wake me up when this amazing story about your mother's spoon collection is over and we can get to naked time. I've got shit to do.

2. You gave me a mental visual of you fucking yourself with a dildo in the bathtub.

3. You are proud of yourself for not having kids yet, instead of being one of those women who is proud that they destroyed a man's life and now he will never make anything of himself. Most women see it as a trophy when they have a man that is broken down and going to a shit job he hates everyday to make her and her gross offspring comfy.  I'm proud of you for not feeling entitled to increase the carbon footprint with loud, booger eater's just to keep up with all your loser high school friends.

4. However, you may have just given yourself away as a gay man because you listen to Erasure. you totally ruined my boner.

5.Fuck what everyone else thinks. they just want to drag you down in their misery. They see a healthy, self sufficient woman and it scares them. All these desperate motherfuckers are trying to give meaning to their lives, they're trying to be validated, but they're just sad, pathetic and weak. Keep on doing like you're doing and maybe one day you'll run in to someone who is perfectly content with themselves as well and maybe y'all can help each other get shit done, and do some really nasty fucking. There is no ideal partner. The ideal is a you that doesn't need a partner. You don't really need a Love Translator. I think you speak the language just fine.

Now, if you could just send a photo to the same email address that you posted this, full body shot please, and your phone number I'd like to contact you for a personal, one on one session. I can bring my clean bill of health from the Health Department, and you can bring along some of your dildos. We cannot however, listen to Erasure.

Holy dick,shit, and balls. This is far and above the best email that has ever been sent to us. If you were auditioning for a role as the female voice for the Translators then you have aced the test. You must be like Harper Lee or the guy that wrote the bible but with bigger titties. Well done madam, well done. 

        To start, I don't think that it is weird that you have decided to check out of the dating game. I personally hate the dating game and everything it entails. You have to listen to the same dumb fucking story over and over only with different people telling it. "Yeah, when I get out of college I'm moving to New York to work in the fashion industry (I guess being a clerk at the Gap sort of counts). You know, I'm too smart to just work, I'm going to be a writer (you know writing is harder than most jobs and usually pays dick and crackers). What's a utility bill? It's exhausting. I don't miss it at all. Moron after moron fall in your lap and you give it a shot because who knows, maybe this dipshit is different. But as it turns out they are 99% useless doucheturds that are wildly mislead about their abilities and have no clue what actual life feels like. 

        And you are correct, selling yourself fucking sucks. "I like blue, I like to paint, I have three degrees, I am a fully qualified tailor, I have played in bands for 17 years, I like animals, pizza, chicken nuggets, and movies about aliens and sharks. Not interested. Thanks." Repeat two-hundred-thousand times. The worst part about selling yourself is that often times people don't want to buy it. 

        I worked with a woman that was in her mid-fifties, had never been married, and loved it. She told me one day that the longer you live by yourself the harder it gets to live with a partner. You become particular about your shit and your routine and it is gets to the point that it isn't worth it changing your life around to accommodate some one else. So it's not a stretch to think that you are totally fine with being alone. 

        Now that I have finished blowing you I would like to point out some things that you may not be aware of. The problem with being old and spinsterish is that you never come to realization that most of your problems really don't matter. Being in a relationship allows you to put things in perspective, good or bad. Bad relationships teach you what you don't want out of life (you seem to have nailed that one) but good relationships teach you that things like personal pride and preferences need to be put aside on occasion for the greater good. An old single person will flip the fuck out when their salad comes out without the correct type of dressing. People in relationships will just ask for a new one. This is because people in relationships understand that there are more important things to worry about, like why do have to take up 82% of the fucking bed we share. Seriously, are you an albatross because when you go to sleep you suddenly develop and thirty-two foot wingspan. Also, when the toilet paper runs out you can replace it. 

       When you spend all of your time thinking about yourself you become a selfish shithead. Here's a news flash: your shit does not matter. "Why does every guy suck, why can't I find someone perfect, blahblahblah." Have you tried looking in a mirror? Maybe it's you? When you break 19,000 wine glasses it's not that people don't make things as durable as they used to, it's because you are clumsy as fuck. You can't find a good dude in Midtown Memphis? Oh no shit really? That's because all of the people in midtown that are of age and worth a shit have grown the fuck up. Try looking some where before 2:30 in the morning. 

       If you are happy get after it. None of this matters anyway. In a few billion years the sun will go red-giant and consume the Earth in fire so who gives a shit. Enjoy your cat and dildos but don't come crying to me when you are 87, break your hip and get eaten by your cats and my kids and I laugh at the story on the news. Because my kids will certainly be as big assholes as myself. Great email. Lesbo. 

Readers respond

Love Translators, 
I disagree...there is NOT a direct correlation between how good a woman gives head and her level of insanity...just saying...believe what you want, but that is NOT TRUE...(Online Dating?, March)


Well, what are you saying? Obviously I offended you personally, or you have some sort of knowledge that I don't. Either you are shithouse crazy and suck at giving head (pun intended) or you gobble cock like a porn star and are totally sane. I agree that all crazy girls don't give good head. My last girlfriend, the one that broke up with me because she said that Jesus told her to, she was no good at it. What I'm saying is that all girls that give good head are crazy. The girl that I was referring to in that blog, her whole face would turn into a vagina. It was magical.  Maybe there's something in semen that causes insanity or maybe it just takes a nutjob (pun intended) to enjoy getting fucked in the face, but I stick to my point. Give me a list of all your ex boyfriends and I'll take a survey. Or maybe I can find the names of your entire high school basketball team. They should know. I'll actually surmise by your response that you give amazing head, because truly crazy people don't know they are crazy.

 I don't recall asking for your opinion on this or any other matter we discuss here. It's not called "The Love Translators and a bunch of trollops" is it? What you are referring to is the "Freidrickson-Chou equation." Basically, Henrik Friedricksion, a German physicist and noted cocksmith, with the help of a prostitute from Siagon named Li Chou formulated this theory. What he did was kidnap (I don't know if that's the right word considering he did buy her fair and square, whatever) said prostitute and lock her in a basement. He played "Disco Duck" non-stop for eight years while once a week allowing to her to perform fellatio on him in exchange for food and a 10 minute break from the music. He found that as she gradually fell into complete and total insanity the blow jobs got exponentially more awesome. So eat shit, that was science.


Love Translators,
You said that kids are the worst STD known to man? (Mr. Pathetic, January) I have kids and I don't think of them that way. Were you both unloved as a child?


   I was just making jokes. children are wonderful bundles of love and joy. Hey, you know all that shit I love about life? Quiet, women's bodies, free time, playing music, money, ability to make selfish life choices....all that shit goes right out the window with kids. And it's never the man's fault! Everyone knows it's a scientific fact that all men are unable to resist the words "leave it in there", "fill me up, baby" and "you're cleared for landing". It's entrapment I tell you. We hear those words and we are unable to put our load in it's rightful place which is all over your boobies. Then we spend the next 18 years thinking about our dreams that will never come true. The only joy we have after that is being part of the conspiracy of parents where they tell all the single people with rad lives how amazing having kids is. And the cycle is completed. But i see right through your bullshit. Get your fucking kid away from me. People with kids should be forced to go live on a remote island away from the rest of us.

I like kids. Hell, kids are rad. The wipe snot all over stuff, they accidentally say "funny" things that if an adult said you would punch him in the stomach, and best off all they can mow the yard. Specifically we were referring to your child. Just yours. That ugly little maggot that wrecked you hooter is a little fucking antichrist. When someone says "what a cute baby" they are just trying to spare your feelings. Your child sucks. Everything about it sucks. I have my fingers crossed right now that the little fuck has progeria and it just hasn't been diagnosed yet. That would explain why your child looks like a fucking zombie-alien-donkey hybrid. Also, your kid is an idiot. He has "person who cleans the toilets at KFC" written all over his (or her) face. Your DNA is toxic and stupid. Fuck you for breeding, the last thing the world needs is more shit-heads that think throwing a bottle in a storm drain means it disappears. So, for the most part, I love every child on the face of the Earth except the little bastard that is half yours. Dick.


Love Translators,
This shit is so stupid and offensive. It pisses me the fuck off. Fuck you guys.- 
                                                                     -Drunk girl at bar


Drunk girl,
    There's this new invention. It's called jokes. It sorta makes things more fun to laugh about stuff. Maybe after all the serious, morose bullshit we have to deal with day after day I should thoughtfully write out my feelings on the serious issues affecting us today. How about the tsunami, Libya, the economy, the corporatization of America. Oh all that sounds fun as shit! whoop de fucking doo. Let's all be very fucking serious. No smiling, no laughing. We all have to go live at the Decleyre co-op and be PC vegan non offensive carebears. Or how about a little satire? Of course this is not what we're really fucking like! Do you think I would have any friends or family that gave a shit about me if I really believed anything I wrote? You know, one day I was thinking about all the relationship problems everyone I know was going through and I thought, "there's comedy in there". You want my real honest to God relationship advice, once and for all for the everlasting motherfucking record? Stop giving a shit! Stop trying! Stop trying out relationships like you try on jeans at target. Learn to like your fucking self first. Be totally fucking self centered. Learn to like your body by taking care of yourself and getting in shape. Fulfill all the stupid little dreams you ever had. Get a hobby. Make it to where you never have time to date because you are constantly trying to live the most bad ass life you can imagine. And then? boom, all the sudden people will be attracted to you. they will want to fuck the shit out of you. they will send you text videos of themselves masturbating. And why? because everyone is attracted to people that are healthy, self confidant and have a sense of self worth. Insecurity is gross. People that jump in to relationships to fill a void in their sad little souls are gross and should have rocks thrown at them. You don't fucking love anybody because you can't stand your fucking self, and if you can't how the fuck are we supposed to? Get the fuck out of my face, I've got shit to do I ain't got time for you bitches....wait, what's that sound I hear as I lie down on my bed? Nothing! I don't hear anyone telling me about their opinions and problems! My life is so rad. I'm going to give my dick a high five about 100 times and then clean up with a sock. Sure beats having to talk to you....

Certain things we do could be considered offensive if you are a total fuck-head. You are what is wrong with America. Example: people blaming their bastard child lighting the trailer on fire because of Bevis and Butthead. We do not force our super-awesome wisdom and knowledge on anyone. Hell, we give this shit away for free. This is the most valuable thing anyone will ever give you in the dumpster fire you call a life. If you don't like the free advice we give out turn off your computer and go on with your life. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. It's like the time I went to the video booth at the porn store on Summer. There are 800 or so channels. It starts off at "1" like this. Handjobs then blowjobs then sex then anal then multiple folks fuckin then orgy stuff then, out of nowhere, a guy shoving a spray paint can up another guys ass. That was at about channel 32. From there it got progressively worse. Midgets, ball torture, etc. So you know what I did, I left the booth. Walked away and said "Not for me." That's it. I didn't write an impassioned editorial in the Flyer saying "I wan't to jack off to some good ol' clean American porn and then there's this guy blowing a Grizzly Bear. It ruined my boner and lost me five dollars. Harumph I say, Harumph!!!" Why, because I am a logical human being. When a television show like American Idol comes on I don't suffer through it in rage and disgust, I change the goddamn channel. Assuming you have both of your hands and >30% of your brain then you can also use this approach to not read or view things that offend you. Don't read this, I don't care. Also, who gets offended any more. Isn't that what people do when they don't have real problems? I gave up getting offended with zines and veganism. Basically I grew up and realized that if some one has an opinion that is different from mine they are just stupid and wrong because everything I believe, say, or do is right-the-fuck-on. But, am I going to let a chick with armpit hair ruin my day? Nope. Fuck that chick. I'm just going to enjoy a Hot Pocket and drug the hippy and shave her gross pits while she sleeps and debate touching her a little bit. So, if you want to get offended move to Olympia with all the other PC nazis. I would like to conclude by quoting one of the greatest bands of the 1990's, E.B.S, or "every body sucks." "Fuck off you p.c. bastards, fuck you and your hippy shit." If you finished reading this entire post then it's your fault, you could have turned it off. The buttons up there in the right corner. Just click it. Remember kids, it's all in fun.