Cheaters

Dear Love Translators,
   My husband cheated on me in the past, but after a rough and rocky road we managed to keep it together and have been happy for the last few years. Now my friends are calling me saying they are hearing rumors that he's up to his old tricks again. I'm thinking about hiring a private detective so I can really nail his ass to the wall. What do you think?,


                                                                                   Anonymous


Dear A. Nonymous,

   You wanna know how many times someone would get the opportunity to cheat on me? Once. The first time was his fault. After that, it's all your fault. You know what it means when people cheat on you? It means they want to fuck other people! No sorry ass excuse will do: "I was subconsciously trying to sabotage our relationship because I was afraid of loving you to much and getting hurt" or "I just felt like we had a deep connection, like we had known each other in a past life" or " I didn't realize how much I loved you until I thought about losing you". People will say the most retarded garbage to dig themselves out of a hole, wont they? The honest truth would go like this. "I'm kinda tired of fucking you, so I fucked this other person and it wasn't as rad as I thought it would be, and you cook a pretty sweet meatloaf, so I figured I'd keep fucking you until something better comes along". But no one will ever be that honest. They don't think you can take it, and you probably can't. You know why I wouldn't take someone back after they fucked someone else? because I have self esteem. Because I don't want to stick my dick in a petri dish. Because being single is rad and I hate drama. But i will surmise that you love drama. I bet that's part of the appeal of your husband is that you're never really sure if you have him or not. If you did not love drama, you would just quietly pack your shit in the night, forget about hiring Magnum P.I. and just leave. Find someone who will not be out banging every slut in town. But I'm willing to bet that a nice guy that is respectful is not really your speed. Well, you're not so different than a lot of people. People are gluttons for punishment. If you don't trust someone enough that you would even suspect they are cheating, to me that's a reason to get the fuck on down. But then again, I look for any and every reason to bail on any relationship, but that's just me. I always fucking HOPE that someone cheats on me. I get a free pass, and you are an asshole. goodbye. Now I don't have to expend energy being nice to you and "listening" to you "talk" and stuff. How the fuck were you happy after he cheated? Did you ever suck his dick after that? Because if so you got filth all in your mouth. Listerine does not kill sin. Maybe he put it in that other girl's butt and you got doo doo molecules all up in your mouth face. well, you deserve it for being an insecure moron. Either leave him or shut the fuck up. I guess getting cheated on allows you to play the victim card, huh? There's a lot of power in being a victim. I can tell you're a retard because you're "married" anyways. Marriage is for people who are amused by shiny objects. It's for people who watch romantic comedies. It's for people who still believe in Santa Claus, patriotism and that there's a magical guy in the sky that loves you and after you die you get to live an eternity of radness where everything is awesome forever and ever. You know, morons.

        Let me start by saying that I support the institution of marriage. At the end of the day my partner and I talk a lot of shit about vaginas and what not but we still don't call ourselves the "pussy translators" though the description would, in fact, be apt. Everyone is looking for love. Regardless of the fact that you may be constantly patrolling the scene looking for a disease free stank hole to put your junk in everyone is searching for that special someone. However, marriage is not for everyone. It is tough. People are not readily able to deal with another person's shit day in and day out so it is not a leap that one should take lightly. I am of the opinion that you should not get married until you are between 30 and 40. After forty you run the risk of being the jacked up loser at a bar on a Tuesday and before thirty you have no fucking clue who you are and what you want out of life. Keep on the safe side, fuck as many people as you can while you are in your teens and twenties and then settle down while you are still attractive enough to get a winner but old enough to not have your head in your ass. I truly worry about many of my friends that one day I will be a father with a job and a life and the majority of these idiots I know will still be talking about the fucking P&H prom and how their band is right on the cusp of making it. You see, nothing clears your head like a little dose of "hindsight is 20-20" and you don't want to be the pathetic old fuck with nothing to show for your life except "I fucked 74 women and now no one gives a fuck and I make my own chicken noodle soup when I have a sinous infection." Sad.
           Enough with the serious "love is ok" bullshit and on to the "septic garbage twat" portion of the blog, that's what you dipshits are here for anyway. Cheating is stupid and wrong. I only consider it cheating when you are emotionally involved with some one so we will be using that as a baseline for comparison. If some dude you banged twice suddenly up and fucks your track coach then tough shit. When some one trusts you enough to say "listen, my delicates are your delicates. you are the only person that gets to play with them, shove your face in them and go "AAAAAAAHHHHHH" while shaking your head around, and don a strap on and pound the peanuts out of this here snickers" it is a serious and real thing. To cheat on some one is to say "your genitals are sub-par at best, in fact I find them rancid." That is shitty. I want you ask yourself a question and this is the one and only thing you need to think about before you cheat if you are tempted: "If your significant other cheated on you how long would it take you to let them back into your respective pants or panties?" Puts shit in perspective doesn't it?
           Wait for it..............................there are exceptions to every rule. If you marry a beautiful, fine thing that turns into the mother from Gilbert Grape then you get a pass. You may be in a committed relationship but you must stay on par with the level of attractiveness of your partner. You can grow old and get gross but you must do it as a team. If you find your partner is getting out of control, throw in a little "you know I don't fuck fat chicks, right?" or "This guy at my office showed me his dick" to light a fire under their ass. If your partner stops fucking you completely, you get a pass. I am not saying "dude, she had pneumonia for two weeks" is a reason to slip into some strange because it isn't ,but if you have been in a monogamous relationship for a reasonable amount of time (lets say six months to a year depending on your situation) then it is mandated by divine law that you are allowed to do what you gotta do. You must be on the same sexual level as your partner. Say your other constantly tries to get you to bang one out on the kitchen table and you never will, eventually he will find some one that will. I will put $1000 on the table that says a blowjob guy will eventually go and seek alternate vendors if his "one and only" doesn't make with the head at least once in a blue moon. Keep in mind that what you are doing is still wrong, cheating  always is, but under these circumstances it is at least understandable and predictable. Compare it to a guy that kills someone in a bar fight versus a child killer. Sure, he killed someone and that is bad but at least he didn't drive through Missouri wearing a kids skull as a hat.
           As per your question both you and your husband are at fault. He is at fault for cheating. He sounds like a serial cheater. Some people do not have the ability to think with their upstairs brains and thus can not see all the good things they have, only what they do not. This is a dickish personality trait and can not be broken, ever. I know a person that has lived and breathed by the advice of his dick his entire life and is now reaping the consequences in his old age. However, I don't want to say that this is the case. Ask yourself this: Is there anything you (yes you) could have done to prevent this. Was he at any point just whipping his dick out and saying "touch it?" Every girl in a relationship knows that this happens but after a drought dudes can get desperate so, did it happen more than usual? Maybe you were not doing your "wifely duty." Every man that I know that is married is a generally good person but when there is no water they will eventually find a spring to swim in. You must remember that your significant other is a real person even though they are in a relationship. Women still need to be romanced and made to feel wanted and men need an occasional "where the fuck did that come from!"
          In your specific case I can confidently say it is on your shoulders. "Fool me once" and all that. If some one cheats on you a shit load why in the hell do you think they won't do it again. An addict is always an addict. Just cut your losses and move on. There is always some dude out there whose wife won't let him piss on her that would be more than happy to meet you. My philosophy for many years has been this: If you find yourself in a position where you are really going to cheat and there is nothing to stop you just break everything off. Everyone will be happier in the long run.
        Oh shit. This came close to actual advice. There's still time to save this. uhhhhhh. Fuck a kitten. Ah shit, that won't do. How about: wet garbage vagina stink drove him to insanity. No. Then maybe you eat six cans of sloppy joe mix and shit on his grandmother. dammit. crap and crap and crap. CHICKS LIKE TO GET FINGERED WHILE YOU SING "STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU." crap. why don't you cut a hole in your pants and shove a chicks hand in there doggy style is preferred by four out of every five in the clergy blondes think semen tastes like whip cream it's not gay if you don't look them in the eyes syrup will keep the anus from bleeding if you watch Passenger 51 while she eats sour patch kids out of your dogs ass then............done, i surrender.

A question of age....

Dear Love Translators
My ex boyfriend and I, both in our early thirties, dated for about 5 years. We had a pretty amicable split and were able to remain friends. However, now he is being very promiscuous, and with all girls at least 10 years younger than him! He always came off to me as intelligent, and not like the other guys but it's obvious that he is just using these girls for sex. I mean, he can't possibly be interested in them for their minds, right? How could I have fallen for this guy? Is there truly something wrong with his behavior or is there something wrong with me for finding fault in it?,


                                                          Aghast in Lawrence, KS




        First let me say that I am aghast that some one from Kansas (especially Lawrence) has seen this blog. I am pretty sure that Kansas does not have the internet or running water. I assume that you were dicking around on the lobby computer at a best western on whatever pathetic vacation people from Kansas go on. I guess it would be some sort of county fair or some place where there is a "world's biggest ______." I guess when you are surrounded by wheat and boredom then a big ass stack of pancakes looks rad as hell.
          As to your question I would say this. Every person who has been in a five year relationship and gets out of it naturally tries to fuck everything with in dicks reach. If you ate the same flavor of ice cream for five years and then suddenly had all other 30 flavors at your disposal you to would go a little nuts. Just because your split was amicable doesn't imply that his naughty parts stopped working. You can find fault in whatever the fuck you want to find fault in but that amounts to dick and balls as far as your ex is concerned. Really, you think he is using girls in their early twenties and late teens for sex? No shit, that's what they are for. Girls at that age are pretty stupid so it's easy to do and the best part is they think they are all grown and progressive so fucking everyone makes them "liberated" in their minds. How dumb is that? And dudes at that age are so inept and awkward that they don't really pose a threat. An 18 year old guy wants to make a girl mix tapes in the hopes that she realizes the lyrics to that one Jawbreaker song is how he feels about you and then maybe you'll see how deep he is and give him a blow job. Older men just butcher the shit out of young girls, it's almost like poaching. This doesn't make him unintelligent, it just makes him a human male in his thirties with a penis.
            At that age men and women don't have minds, they have rage and sex drives, that's it. It is just 100% angsty confusion and hard-ons. That's what makes people at that age easy to fuck. This crazy thing happens in your late twenties and early thirties where your brain moves out of you ball-sack or ovaries and into your cranium. This gives you the ability to figure out exactly what young, stupid women want to hear that will immediately get you into their pants as opposed to just awkwardly trying to impress them with your half-assed knowledge of German philosophers. Statements of this variety usually sound something like "No, your art is amazing. It takes real courage to paint the virgin Mary with squirrel shit" or "Absolutely, I totally think there should be women's issues course taught in every grade from your freshman year in high school until you get a doctorate" or "I have a house that I don't share with six other dudes and it isn't covered in doo-doo particles, mold, and Kraft cheese wrappers."
            You "fell" for this guy for the same reason any girl "falls" for any guy: stupidity. We're pretty much horrible creatures that are covered in hair and man-stink so it is confusing how any woman would like any one of us but whatever. My suggestion to you is to keep bitching and moaning about it until you are an old woman with nothing behind you but regret and bitterness. Or you could do a little turn around and start balling a bunch of young dudes. They can go three or four times a night and you can choose where you guys go out because they never have any money or transportation. I know that they would appreciate some love training from an older broad such as yourself so get in there and get statutory baby, you deserve it. Oh, I'm sorry about the Kansas thing, that blows. But if you try really hard you will learn to spell and find out what air conditioning is. Hah! Kansas. What a shit hole.

What exactly is it that you "fell for"? Maybe the idea that your ex was somehow above a million years worth of survival instinct? You see, that's all sexy time is. We are like robots, programmed to procreate. No matter what is in the forefront of your mind, things like "no, I don't want kids right now" or "I'm in a committed relationship, so boning this person would be morally wrong", your body is constantly screaming at you to reproduce and to do things that would be better conducive to procreation. I hate it when people argue with me on this point. The simple truth is this: older men are commonly attracted to younger women and young women are commonly attracted to older men. For men, we are unconsciously looking for a young, healthy mate to spread our seed with. For women, you are subconsciously looking for a healthy alpha male who has established himself in the world. It's simple fucking biology. It's the same reason men like big boobs, wide hips and long legs. These are all features that make for better mothers.Stupid people like to argue that "we're civilized now. Our bodies don't run on survival instinct anymore. You're just making excuses for degenerate behavior". You're probably right, stupids. I mean, 4,000 years of civilization is enough to erase and eternity of evolutionary function. What was I fucking thinking? But let's talk about civilization. Civilization is based on a bunch of rules and moral codes that we made up that are probably good ideas if we're all going to live together and not want to choke the shit out of a motherfucker. The problem is that most of these moral codes are in direct odds with the way we were designed to behave. Your ex boyfriend is being a normal healthy male of his species. He spent 5 years trying to cultivate his "higher self" by being with a buzzkill like yourself and now he's exercising his rights to do whatever the fuck he wants. You don't have any fucking say in it. And it's not like he's breaking a law. Maybe you being a heinous bitch is a survival instinct in and of itself. It makes it easier for him to get the fuck on down and spread his seed. All over some college girls face.
   But don't despair. You see, he's at this golden age where he still can do things like that. For guys in their early thirties, the whole spectrum is available to them. 18 to 80, baby. Pretty soon however one of several things could happen. The best part about people doing something wrong is that you don't have to judge them. We all get punished for our own sins eventually. Best case scenario is that he'll eventually get tired of going to college parties and playing beer pong and listening to horrible screamo shit or whatever it is that young kids listen to these days and he'll go back to looking for something that stimulates his mind as well as his naughty bits. OR he'll get so addicted to young pussy that he'll keep trying to pursue those types of girls into his forties. Then he'll be the sad, old guy sitting buy himself at the bar eyeing girls creepily and muttering to himself. OR he'll knock one of those young trollops up, and have to live with a girl that resents him for ruining her dreams of finishing art school. OR he'll get a social disease and have to take medication for the rest of his life before he goes mountain biking and rock climbing.
   So there you have it. He's being a normal human being and will pay for his own mistakes if they even are mistakes and you're being a Judgey Mcjudgerton. Probably because there's nothing else to do in Kansas unless you like watching corn grown and sheep fuck. I hope you get hit by a train. I would console you with some highly skilled lovin, but you're all old and gross. Early thirties? Ew. I recommend a dating site for seniors. Look out for that wall, Dale Earnhardt, because you're about to hit it....

b-b-b-b-b-b-balls.

Dear Love Translators, 
                 Why don't chicks pay enough attention to dude's balls? 
                                                                             Unappreciated Sack.




       Really? This is what you are worried about? Your balls? That is just precious. Everyone likes to have the "stepchildren" licked and loved a little but at the end of the day they are the supporting cast and not the main event. I assume that you have no problems getting the ladies to touch your wienis so what's the big deal. You are getting cock-play but no live action to the balls? That does not sound like a problem to me. It's like when you are at a restaurant and they don't put enough salt on your mashed potatoes. Do you flip out and start complaining? No, you put salt on them and enjoy. Have you thought about grabbing your own balls and giving them a little shake? Next time you are getting blown just reach down, grab your nuts, and give em a little shake-a-shake-a. Maybe the lady will take it as a hint and grab away.
       To be honest though ball play is overrated. The other day I sat down awkwardly and barely brushed my nuts the wrong way and thought I had been hit by a train. If water from the shower hits your nuts the wrong way then it can fuck you up and that's just water. Knowing how delicate the boys are then do you really want some one yanking on them? The dick is a tough bastard. You can tug on it, slap it around, chew on it occasionally, and basically attack it but the balls are fragile. They are little baby birds that must be nurtured are kept safe, the future lives in there after all. Women are used to beating the shit out of penis and they tend to translate that mentality to balls so it's best to avoid it.
       But lets look at this from a woman's perspective. Balls are gross. A hairy flesh sack hanging really close to your asshole that stink and sort of look like an alien brain. You expect some one to put that in their mouth? It's bad enough to put something as ugly as a dick in your mouth but you can't expect them to jump into ball world as well. Guys bodies are gross. Even dudes that are super in shape. We are just gross. All hairy and shit dangling every where. Bleh. And balls are the worst of the grossness that is dude. Dudes can get zits on their balls. Did you know that? A hairy bag with two ultra sensitive oyster things in them that smell like sweaty doo-doo and now throw in zits. Don't you want to hum old man river on that?
        The real shit here is that what does it matter. Attention is being paid to your love-stick so what's the problem. You sound like one of those little fuckers that gets tons of shit for Christmas and still bitches when the presents are gone. The kind of asshole that just expects people to drop what ever they are doing and help you with whatever dumbfuck problem you are having. Instead of worrying about your balls why don't you meditate on the fact that someone is playing with your privates to begin with?

I would like to politely disagree with my colleague. For me, the balls are and integral part of the well oiled machine that is my lovin and I agree that women need to be more educated on the subject. With as many Cosmo articles as there are with titles like "10 secrets to driving your man wild in bed", you'd think these things wouldn't go so neglected, but alas they do. I understand that balls are gross. Sweaty, wrinkly, shtinky things that they are, but sexy time is not always pretty. I mean, when I was a teenager I had a vagina calendar. Every month was a huge closeup of a vagina. Taken out of the context of the rest of a woman's body, the vagango is not always the most pleasant thing to look at, or smell sometimes for that matter, but that doesn't stop me from writing out the Gettysburg address with the tip of my tounge on many a clit every chance that I get.
   The thing is, balls are very nervous. They are constanly succeptable to the crueltys of this world with little defense. That's why when they are gently held, they feel safe. Not, squeezed mind you, but they just want to be nurtured and told that everything's gonna be ok. Something about having my balls held turn me on like no other. It's just as hot as a finger in the ass. I usually tell my lovers if they're ready for me to be finished, just grab a hold of the balls. It's magic time, then.
   The real problem here is why you don't have enough metaphorical balls to just ask someone to play with your real ones? I personally love to find out what gets someone hot in bed. People will very rarely be disappointed with a little direction. I have never gotten bummed out when a woman said: "can you put that here?" or "can you lick me here, like this?" In fact, I've kinda got half a staff just thinking about those times. The bottom line is: We developed this sophisticated language specifically so we could communicate to each other how best to manipulate one another's naughty parts. Use it. You're not a caveman. You can do more than just point at your twig and berries and grunt.

Desperately horny?

so, i'm a healthy 20-something midtown girl, single at the moment by choice, and i am starting to wonder if my perversions are healthy or if i have some serious mental issues. also, i went to catholic school and i am unsure as to whether or not this could have anything to do with my slight depravity.  i love fucking. i will take it to a very serious level of weird, if you want me to. i'm open-minded to a degree that i do not know if i'm crossing some lines or what the hell. read on for my conundrum.  1. while i prefer real dick (nothing like it in the world), i do not mind eating pussy. in fact, i think girls are better kissers.. no offense guys, but our lips are softer. i often find myself as the third person fuckpuppet in threesomes; i'll go home with a nice looking couple and let them violate me in ways that would make most people blush. however, i have never been in a relationship where i felt sharing my significant other would be plausible. i get really jealous in commitments.  2. that being said, although claiming a man as my own can make me the paranoid girlfriend guys hate the idea of, i have a tendency to cheat. i don't ever feel good about myself after, and i'm not proud or slick- i always get found out. also, this cheating phenomenon occurs in my straight monogamous relationships. i really don't mean to hurt anyone. i don't know what the fuck happens. too drunk isn't an excuse, it's an issue. 3. i get off to lesbian porn more often than straight porn, and i get off to gay porn faster than both of the aforementioned. i cannot stand those long, fake fingernails in straight porn, the guys' physiques, the sluttiness of the girls, whatever. i like my kinky sex real looking, and this is best done when watching some natural yet still gorgeous lesbos go at it, or some well-kept, nicely molded fags plough each other. 4. i enjoy being submissive. dominance makes me feel, well, bossy. the only time i ever liked feeling in charge was when i strapped a cock on and fucked an ex boyfriend in the ass, watching him take every inch of my big fake dick. it was his idea, and i obliged, and i loved it.     i will get fucked in the ass if i'm in the right mood and it's approached properly. it weirds me out to get my pussy licked, i get self-conscious, but i like to do it. i love sucking dick. i like getting slapped, spanked, choked, and bitten, but only to the just-right degree, and i don't like doing it to others, unless they ask for it; then i'm still a bit shy.    also, i barely ever just get off on a cock anymore, or with another person. my clit has to be rubbed just right or i can't get off.  5. i'm ashamed of this, embarrassed really, so i am asking you total fuckheads to give me some advice on what the hell to do with myself, while remaining clothed in anonymity. i am prepared to look past the crass nature of your answers, and your making fun, but i would appreciate some genuine advice, as you seem slightly twisted yourself.    also, i'm not fat, ugly, or going to send you a picture for this article. it's not really about my looks. i know i'm pretty. maybe sometime, if you like the way i get down, i'll pay a visit to your offices and we can all get together for some physical therapy... (ah, there i go again!)    please help, translators. desperately horny & not sure if it's ok,           slightly depraved yet loving                                      Desperately horny,    When I was a teenager and on in to my twenties I had all kinds of hangups about sex. I too was raised by catholic, southern conservatives. Even though I began raiding my dad's porn collection at an early age to where the first time I had sex I was doing it with porn star skill, I still had my young emotions tied up in it and saw many things as taboo. Now that I am a seasoned veteran in the ways of love, I understand that there is no "wrong" when our sexual proclivities are concerned unless it involves little kids. Beyond that, it's all fair game.       Who doesn't love fucking? I would be more inclined to worry about the mental state of someone who doesn't love it.    I'm right with you on the eating pussy thing. If I'm really into a girl, there's nothing I like better than to see how many times I can make her cum with my mouth before I ever let her even see my dick. Mmm, peach cobbler. I like to play a game where I try and see if i can lick the back of her tonsils through her fuck hole.    As far as threesomes go? I don't see why that's weird. You get to fulfill your desire with both sexes, but at the end of the night you get to go home while they get to deal with all the bullshit that goes along with a committed relationship. You know, all that "talking" and "feelings" and shit. All that shit is Lord Farquar Gaytard. You are wise to stay away from the threeway thing when you're in a regaytionship. I know lots of swinger couples, and it always ends up weird, no matter how cool they say they are. I believe we covered this topic before (http://lovetranslators.blogspot.com/2011/02/threesome.html) The threesomes i've been in were never awkward for me, but like I said, with age I just don't give a fuck anymore. And if you can have a threesome with your friends and maintain a coolness afterwards, why then those are truly amazing friends and should be high fived. Preferably during the three way. it was weird though when my buddy made a comment about my cock when we were double teaming this chick. "Dude, does that thing have an elbow"? totally not cool to point out people's genetic deformities during a bang-a-thon. yes, I have a freakishly large cock. People should do a 5K for me. As far is the cheating is concerned, if you know you're going to do it, why even bother getting into a relationship in the first place? Are you attracted to the thrill? because it is indeed more hot to be doing something wrong, but generally I don't like to put some poor motherfucker through that. I, however am slick, so I never get caught, but I have enough of a guilty conscious that I will break up with someone (i never confess, however. I will take those stories to my grave) after I cheat. In fact, I have to say I hate people that feel like they have to "come clean" and destroy someone emotionally because they couldn't control their naughty bits. the grown up thing to do if you find yourself guilty of cheating and you feel bad about it is A: Don't do it again and never mention it or B: break up with your insignificant other so you can bang other people guilt free and never mention it. God, you people are fucking amateurs! Lot's of women love porn. All of the sudden it's acceptable now. 20 years ago all women were like "ew gross", and now you have all matured as a whole. good job. I guess you can all have raises now and be able to vote. As far as the submissive thing goes? yawn. Every woman for some reason likes to be choked, hair pulled, thrown around, man handled and roughed up a bit. It probably stems back to the caveman days. For the most part, I think your letter is bullshit. Full of contradictions. I'm guessing when you say "twenty something" you probably just mean 20. Your sex life sounds about as vanilla as Vanilla Ice. If you want to get crazy, meet me at a hotel room on Lamar and me and a crack whore are going to take turns shitting in your mouth. That's all the respect I think you deserve. And let me just add here that I really loved your work as "Corky" on the show "Life Goes On". You should have won an Emmy for that. Catholic school hu? Must have been one of the cheap ones without standardized tests by the way you clearly have no concept of the scope and range that is the word ‘depraved’. You fuck with couples- risqué! Also about as common in the bored housewife set as drunk chicks making out with each other so folks will think they’re cutting edge and shit... Your whole dumb ass generation has the power to google anything, yet you insist on calling the lamest of behavior perverse. So let’s just break it on down ----Don’t blame Jesus because you were in slow class. I’m sure that going to a catholic school has the power to shape the most amazing of sexual proclivity…but you weren’t paying enough attention were you? Your ‘serious mental issue’ is the oldest in the book: self-promotion with a side of preening idiot. If you love fucking sooo much then you should already know- the only time a line is crossed is when nutz do not occur. Nut= no line. Fact. 1) Oh, you’re in your twenties and you like the ladies (yawn). What girl in her twenties doesn’t lick vadge anymore?? It’s your generation’s thing- it’s your flannel hoodie if you will. Stupid little junior hos- it just makes you look desperate and phony and (omg) trendy. (Nice- you got the trifecta) …which is why the trolling bored married people zone right in on you. Also, Fuckpuppet is not a compliment… 2) You have no problem leaving your snail trail all over Frayser. Awesome. You know that does not make you a case study right? It just means that you don’t have the balls to tell someone what’s up. 3) You like a lil girl/girl, boy/boy action…. if you had even a vague deviant sex-bone in your body you would have figured this one out around 14 when you were just in your tawdry stage… Everyone likes same sex porn; you have not discovered something new. As for liking ugly people porn- I mean, what? Hmm? How low is your self-esteem that the pretty people intimidate you? They’re only there to help you out bitch! 4) Being submissive or dominant is like what hand your obviously absentee father beats it with- it’s whatever works! Personally I like my men manly as hell- men that can barely wipe their ass, much less shove something in it… and it’s for that reason that I’m with you on the pussylickin thing. (I mean, you are what you eat, and I have no desire to bed cunts). However it sounds to me like you’re trying to say you’re too shy, which makes no sense when you’ve already admitted to cornholing your own boyfriend… Here’s the cherry on top- you don’t even like the weak ass kink you claim you’re doing! You said yourself you don’t even get off… That’s why I call this whole letter “I think you guys are really funny and want to gobble your cock”. The next time you feel like flirting with these fine ass men, maybe just send a picture of your twat with a number attached and spare us this pathetic tripe…. the whole thing reeks of ploy. “add a dash of catholic schoolgirl to some assplay, mix in a threesome, and an inability to cum anymore on the side please!” Little tip here- you know who doesn’t have to say they’re pretty and not fat and shit? Bad ass bitches.         Ok. Let me start by saying that I would like call bullshit on this. It reads like a penthouse letter written by a teenage boy. I can almost hear you giggling in between writing sentences. "I like to fuck....tee hee." It's either that or this is real and there are serious issues on display. So I'll go ahead and play your stupid little game and treat it like is real.        What do you mean by a serious level of weird? Are you curled up in a corner simultaneously laughing like a maniac and balling your eyes out while covered in human doo-doo-turds while cradling the teddy bear that your creepy uncle made you bite down on while he molested you? Because that is a serious level of weird. Not just liking to have sex. Plus, I have seen some pretty fucked up shit in my day so what are considering "ways you have been violated that would make most people blush?" Have you ever been fucked with the skull of your first pet? That's fucked up. How about blown a guy and his dad while they play with each others balls? Also fucked up. If you just consider letting some frat guy put it in your ass (just the tip) then you and I are not on the same page as far as fucked up goes.         So, after much thought I have decided that you are a shitty person. You pretty much say, in no uncertain terms, that you suck as a person, a partner, and in general. So you are the super jealous type yet you always cheat. You say that you are super dirty yet ask if it is a problem that you are dirty. You prefer lesbian porn but don't like having your noo-noo licked. You vividly describe banging a dude with a strap on yet say you are embarrassed about your self proclaimed naughtiness. Basically you suck. What kind of person fucks some one in the ass with a strap on? Oh, here's a little tip (hey-o): don't call some one a "total fuckhead" if you want their advice. You want some advice you cum-dumpster, here you go: re-evaluate your philosophy on life and change everything about you as a person. You come off as a fake, uncaring, slightly nymphomaniacal (check out the big fucking words on this guy), big fat triffling ass liar.        Other than the strap on thing (which I think is total bullshit) nothing you describe is sexually that odd. You like to be submissive well here is a news flash: for a woman sex is a submissive act. You can play the "empowered woman of the twenty-first century" card all you want but if you are having sex with a man you are getting fucked. Pay close attention to my words. GETTING fucked. You are LETTING someone fuck you. Notice the use of "accepting" verbs. Philosophically, sex is submissive from the female perspective and dominant from the male perspective. I don't mean that in a sexist way, or maybe I do, I really don't care but if you really think about for a minute you will see that I am right. If you are a woman fucking a man something is getting put inside of you. You are ACCEPTING something foreign inside of your body. The man is PUTTING something in you. Think about it. Now, you say you like being submissive but you violated a dude with a strap on. Which one are you? Are the submissive person that wants to be slapped or are you a jerk that wants to do icky things with a strap on?       Basically there are two conclusions that I can come up with. First is that you are a liar. I believe that people rarely hold beliefs from two fundamentally opposing philosophies on life. You are annoyingly jealous yet a habitual cheater, you won't let your man enjoy a three way but you have no problem jumping in with another couple, you claim to be submissive but show fundamentally dominant traits, you brag about your whorish ways yet claim to be embarrassed about your whorish ways, you write asking for advice and offer to fuck us. Therefore how can we believe anything you say? It's called the liars fallacy. Once some one is identified as a liar you can't believe anything they say including them saying "I am a lair." It's like a catch 22. How do we know that any of these problems even exist or if you even care if they do exist? But mostly I believe that this is complete and total bullshit.        This email reeks of teenage-boy generated internet bullshit. Like those people that write stories about the characters in Family Guy fucking the Simpsons or poorly written letters to Penthouse. It looks like you took every stereotypical teenage fantasy and put it in an email. I can almost hear you giggling like a little kid after you write a sentence about how you like to get choked. Leave comedy to the people who are good at it like Sam Kinison and the guy that wrote the bible.         If any of this is true then your offer of vagina for my partner and myself is soundly rejected. Let's see, what do I want to do with my dick? Do I want to A) put it in a strumpet that cheats on her boyfriends, likes to fuck couples, would fuck a guy with a strap on (serious character flaw), and talks like a 14-year-old virgin that has never had sex or B) cover it in seal blood and stick it in a tank with a killer whale? After much deliberation i'm taking my chances with Shamu. The worst he will do is kill me. You, on the other hand, will tell me stories about how whorish you are yet not do anything whorish with me, cheat on me with some couple after never letting me get my threepeat on, and try to stick things into my booty that I don't want there. No thank you. Let that sink in. I would rather cover my dick in seal blood and stick it in a tank with a killer whale than fuck you. Between a killer whale and your vagina, I choose killer whale. That has to make you feel crappy. But you are in to being submissive so I guess you like that. But we have established so are a liar so that means you are really dominant. I'm confused.         Advice: Stop ruining dudes lives and take some time to get your head right. If you don't respect your self enough to keep yourself from being used like a fuckpuppet (kudos on that by the way) then no one else will ever respect you. That would be my advice if this were real. However, it is total bullshit so thanks for wasting my time fucknut.       Also, don't be one of those assholes that acts like all of their problems comes from catholic school. We all know your problems stem from the time the bus driver put his hands down your pants so don't blame that on god. Jerk.