the ninth gate

Hey love translators,
                 My girlfriend won't let me put it in her ass. What the hell? You guys say you know shit so explain that. 








First off, little aggro there buddy. I'm just saying, if you were trying to stick it in my ass with that attitude then you might get cut. That being said lets address your main question: the back door, the stinky canoe, the canyon of the crescent moon, the gritty cavern, regardless of what you call it, it is the same place. The booty. I am assuming that you are somewhere in between the ages of 15 and 25. That is because that is the age group of heterosexual males that give a shit (yuck yuck) about plowing the poo cavern. Grown, straight men do not care about this. Why? Would you pick the charger that you have driven for ten years that you know rules and hauls ass or the firebird that is shiny and great looking but has an interior made out of shit and blood? If you are a young buck you might pick the firebird because you have never driven one but a seasoned vet will avoid it at any cost. When I was a kid I thought I had appendicitis so I went to the doctor. He took two fingers, shoved them directly up my ass, and said "does any thing feel strange." By doctor I mean the ice cream man but the end result is the same. "Well," I said, "other than your fingers in my ass?" I propose this, if you really want to go down that road, let your lady strap on a dildo and get after it. When she is done, if you still want to impart that kind of misery on her then go ahead. If not, shut your stupid mouth and count your blessings. Also, there is a direct relation to the mental stability of a woman and her willingness and enjoyment of ass-play. There is a geologic entity called a pellet. A pellet is a fossil piece of dung shat by a creature millions of years ago. The size of the pellet is in direct relation to the anal caliber of the creature that made it. Well, the likelihood that you wake up with your dick cut off and in your mouth is in direct relationship to the size of your woman's anal caliber. Ever seen a porn where a woman has a gaping abyss that would make Nietzsche quiver and think "boy, I want that person to have access to my bank accounts." Meditate on that. So many levels of knowledge: geology, philosophy, childhood trauma. Is my shit together or is my shit together. No pun intended.




Dear Anal Annihilator,
   So you want to park the sausage truck in chocolate town. Introduce one eye to brown eye. Take a trip up the Eerie canal. Drill for oil on the moon. Go up the down staircase. Have a meat saber duel with Darth Roid. Go dirt track racin'. Push Boba into the Sarlacc pit. Who wouldn't? This usually the first thing people do when they graduate to Dirty. There's three kinds of sex. Naughty, Dirty and Nasty. This falls under Dirty, but that's a lesson for another day.
   This is probably the question most often asked of me. Entry into the naughtiest of naughty places is something that takes time and finesse. Much like wind and water slowly erode rock over time, so must you be as the wind and the water. The reason so many women are afraid of ass play is that dudes just blunder in to it all willy nilly. Here's how it works. Next time you are making sweet love to your woman, simply reach around and place your middle finger right on her bungy. Not in it, mind you, just sit it right on there. Hopefully during the heat of passion she won't even know it. Then, gradually over time start exerting the slightest of pressure. This may be all you do the first time, but next time exert a little more. Eventually she will realize that it feels awesome. It's pretty elastic, but you slowly have to stretch it out over time.
   Some people claim it's unnatural, but there are nerve endings there capable of feeling pleasure as well as pain. That's why it feels pretty sweet when you take a dump. Well, just imagine if your dump pushed itself right back in and you could feel it over and over again. Sounds awesome, huh?
   After you have tried the slow patient route, if she still will not relax enough you may have to dump her. There are girls that absolutely love it out there....prefer it even...and if you've been reading our column and been putting our advice to work it should take you no time to find some little freak who's way in to it. I would suggest someone Japanese or German. Greek perhaps.