I've never been good at ending relationships. I need to get out of my current situation and wanted some advice on how to do it.
Breaking up sucks. There is no way to do it without someone getting hurt. You have to enter into a break up situation with that in mind. Many people stick in miserable relationships because they don't want to break up but this is a mistake. You are always going to be a dick if you are the one doing the breaking up. If you wait for a long enough time hoping shit will get better then you are going to wake up 65 and married to a person you can't stand. So, find solace in your inner-asshole. Take him into your arms like a fuzzy little puppy and keep him warm, he is your friend. After you make the decision that your life is more important than some one else's feelings you can proceed. Here are a few strategies that have worked for me in the past.Complete and total severance of all ties immediately. This means no talking, hanging out, emailing, no contact what so ever. The best thing about this strategy is that you can do this any time. Just cut ties completely. Go out on a date Friday, then on Saturday morning act like the person doesn't exist. You will have two or three days of grace where the other person will just think you are busy or something before they try to get in touch with you. When they finally do call just answer the phone and say "who is this?" When they say their name just say "I think you have the wrong number" and hang up. They'll call back but just keep it up, eventually they will just go away. If they decide to come over do things like ask them who they are looking for or talk to them through a closed door. You must completely commit to this strategy for success. If done properly, you will successfully confuse the shit out of your, until recently, significant other and they will leave you alone.
Change your personality immediately, for the worse. Start acting like a complete shithead. Start telling her she's fat or he has a tiny dick. Steal from them, preferably money but electronics and furniture will work. Hell, get creative with it. Steal their pet. Start smoking crack or doing massive amounts of pills. Basically anything to turn them away from you. Quit your job, buy a shitty acoustic guitar, and tell them that you have decided to become a singer-songwriter. Then when they start getting uppity about your super-rad life choice scream that they are crushing your dreams. Get up in the middle of the night and take a shit in their underwear drawer and then feign ignorance the next day. "Why would I shit in your underwear drawer, I'm not a fucking monkey, you must have done it in your sleep you fucking drunk." Start saying things like "I always wanted to fuck your friend Charles" or "I remember when I used to let that guy cum in my mouth" if you are a lady or "Shit you have huge legs" or "that girls pussy smells like butterscotch" if you are a guy. Just rolling your eyes and sighing "fuck" whenever they walk into a room is a nice touch. If you do this correctly they will break up with you. Then you can act like a victim and gets massive amounts of sympathy booty.
Either of these strategies works nicely. Maybe you are one of those "we can still be friends" people. If you are then you are a fool. Here's what that means from either side. Man: "I really want to go fuck other chicks, specifically, other chicks that are not you. But, I would like to keep you around in case it's really late at night and I got shot down by every other chick at the bar and desperately have to fuck something." Female: "I am sick of you and your penis but I want to keep you around so you can watch me fuck all of your friends. Also, I want you to know what dirty shit I'm doing for them that I would never do for you." Every man falls for this at least once. Staying friends is a dream and a stupid one at that. After a few years it is possible to be "friends" but beware. If you are in a relationship your other will always be distrustful of the "friend." They should be, that person has seen you naked and every time they see you they are thinking about the time you guys fucked. Fact. Here's the best part, you ready, being a "freinds" person actually makes you an asshole. Why would you want to subject your partner to this situation: "Friday we're going out with some one who has had their dick in my mouth!" or "You want to go see a movie with this chick I talked in to getting an abortion?" How's that for truth in advertising?
Feel better? Can we still be friends?
Here's my favorite ways:
1. Text message break up. This is the classiest way to break up with someone. Let's face it. Nothing looks grosser and makes my penis more soft than someone crying. I actually read an article in ScienceNow that there is a chemical in women's tears that turns men off. Think I'm joking? http://news.sciencemag.org/sciencenow/2011/01/a-womans-tears-the-anti-viagra.html?ref=hpYeah, get that crying shit out of my face. do that shit in the bathroom where you do all the other gross shit. I'd rather have you vomit on my dick like you did that time at the drive in. I never did get to see the end of Snakes on a Plane and have never been able to enjoy nachos since. Seriously, though, in this age of technology if you know the shit ain't workin, why drag it out? One text, boom. gone. No sorry ass "conversation" about how we "feel" about it. Message sent. Message received. Stop fucking calling me.
2. Direct approach. If you want to keep it civil, just be forward and honest. Don't beat around the bush or mince words. My favorite thing to say is "I respect you, I just don't like you". or "I'm embarrassed to bring you around my friends and family". Even more direct is "You're so fucking annoying that I just want to smash my own face with a hammer whenever I'm around you".
3. Restraining order.
4. Just change your Facebook status. They'll figure it out soon enough.
5. Finding the right moment. Sometimes finding the best time and place will soften the blow. How about while you are both strapped in a roller coaster, right when you go around that third loop upside down? You can make an analogy about how this is what your relationships is like. How about on the way to her sister's wedding? Seeing evidence that true love does exist in the world should make her feel optimistic about the whole thing. Ladies, how about right when the baby comes out and it doesn't look anything like him?
6. Pack up all your shit and move out while they are at work. Leave a note that says "I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel".
But it's important to remember, just like in the job market, never quit your current job until you have another one lined up. You're a fucking ugly, fat loser and will probably have trouble finding anyone that will want to fuck you or be around you for any period of time. You're also fucking stupid for asking that question. Why does anyone have to ask? Getting broken up with is the coolest thing ever. It's a free pass to go fuck other people. Oh really? You mean I don't have to have any more movie nights? I don't have to spend money at anymore froofy fucking restaraunts? I can eat Cheetos in bed with the dog and don't have to leave the faucet running while i take the loudest, most explosive shit known to man? I don't have to listen to your problems anymore? Being single is rad. Breaking up with someone is like showing them a portal to Narnia, where you can eat Turkish delight and hang out with magical creatures. And fuck them. I'm out.
awesome.
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