Desperate and Confused

I'm so in love with my girlfriend. I've done everything to treat her right. She broke up with me by saying I was "too nice" and immediately hooked up with her ex who used to cheat on her all the time and even hit her! How can I make her see that I love her so she will come back to me?,
                                                                 Desperate and confused




Holy donkey raping shit eater! What the fuck is wrong with you, son? What is wrong with all of you? You all have no self respect! I don't know whether to blame society, the media, the entertainment industry but it doesn't matter. If you have no respect for yourselves, how is anyone going to respect you? Why would you want that chick back? Let me explain this one last time for the people who haven't been paying attention.
   You are not the first man ever who has lost his woman to some piece of shit angry meathead. This has been happening since the beginning of time. There is actually an evolutionary function to women's preference for assholes. Yes, science can explain everything.
   You see, it's simply a survival instinct. Assholes have a greater rate of survival. We have really been living "civilized" for such a short percentage of our time on earth. It wasn't all that long ago that you had to worry about wolves, bears or roving gangs of marauders coming and snatching up your special boo. The women had a better chance of survival if they were snuggled up with the larger, more aggressive males of our species. Sometimes that aggression would turn on them, but there's always going to be a tradeoff, isn't there. I mean, face it. Who would you rather have guarding your house,

This guy?

or this guy?

                                 


Yeah, the pit bull might snap and take your balls off one day, but at least no one will be running off with your flat screen. So, women have developed an unconscious preference for the asshole, and they will go to war with you to try and prove that this is not true but I will bet you goddamn dollars to doughnuts that they all fantasize about that elusive, aloof jerk they dated in high school. Plus, all women like to be roughed up in the bedroom. Hair pulled, thrown around, called names, tied up. Further proof of my theory. All women like a sexy amount of shitheadedness.
But! This attraction to aggression affected something else evolutionary. You see, it was easier for the more attractive females to find a protective alpha male. All they had to do was look hot and spread their legs and these neanderthals were braining other dudes with battle axes to protect what they thought was a precious commodity (and let's face it, in the old times, someone with most of their teeth and a bajango that didn't smell like the black death was a catch!). So more attractive women did not develop intelligence to allow better survival. That's why the hotter a woman is, usually the more worthless they are. That's why I like ugly ducklings, or late bloomers. They're hot, but still in the mindset that they are ugly so they had to develop personalities and brains. We get accused of being sexist a lot, but the truth is that I would much prefer someone semi attractive with a brain in their head than some bimbo that's balls hot right now. Everyone is eventually going to get old and gross. When I am king of the universe, we will wall in the entire midwest and send all old people there to be old and gross away from me. No one wants to look at your saggy skin and liver spots. I just puked up my poached egg into my mouth a little thinking about saggy balls and old toenails. The mid west is the most worthless part of our country, so how fitting will it be to send our most worthless members of society there. That way, they can all drive like shit for each other and complain about their food being too spicy at restaurants and we don't have to listen. I will also cordon off Texas and send people with children there. People with children should not be allowed to ride on airplanes or eat at restaurants. No one wants to look at your ugly booger eater. Oh wow, I'm so proud of you. You left it in there and did something that every living thing is designed to do. You fed someone enough Zimas that they were fooled into thinking you were hot and you got laid and now you think it's your god given right to have a walking talking flesh trophy to commemorate your 6 minutes of awkward humping. congrats!
   I digress. You are a fucking moron. I can see why your ex would rather be with someone that hit her than with you fucktardedness. I'd rather smash my own face with a red hot skillet covered in fire ants while listening to Nickleback than acknowledge your existence. I bet you were the most annoying boyfriend ever. I bet you always looked at her and asked "what are you thinking about?" People who ask that question deserve to get stabbed in the face. I don't think about things in a linear manner. I have thought soup. I like to answer them truthfully with the stream of consciousness bullshit that's in my head. "Lunch, pudding, bowling, church, Bachmann Turner Overdrive, Keith Lee, Gary Indiana, That one episode of the Cosby Show that Stevie Wonder was in, Jammin on the one, cheesy rice, anal sex, utility bill". That's what I'm thinking about. Happy now? What did you want me to say? "I'm thinking about how much I love you". I'm stabbing my own face with a fork now.

         God dammit. God dammit fuck balls. Leper tits and rotten tampon blood. Is this my goddamn life? Is what I've been fucking reduced to? "I love my blahblahblahblah but blah doesn't blah me blah blah I'm going to drink a bunch of Nyquil and then blahblahblahfuckingblah." How long will it take you shit heads to realize that women like dicks. Not the throbbing fleshy kind, the asshole kind and men like women that are bad for them. (heh, throbbing) Do you think 19 million women fucked Nikki Sixx because he brought them flowers? No, they fucked him because A) he was in Motley Crue and B) because he was heroin addicted alcoholic dick. Do you think after he stuck a godzilla action figure in thirty random coozes hoo-hoos that he gave them flowers? No, he kicked them the fuck out of his dressing room and then went and rocked the fuck out of "kickstart my heart" and then stuck it in the ass of your mother. Women dig that shit. It's like moths to flame.
          Everyone knows "that guy." "That guy" gets more pussy than anyone in the universe and has fucked everything in a 500 mile radius at any given time. He most likely has shitloads of tattoos, no real plan for the future, and a motorcycle. That gets so much ass because he honestly doesn't give a fraction of a fuck about anyone and is a total dick. Women spread up for this guy because they are confused. You see, everything with a dick has been trying to fuck every woman since the first time she showed up to school in a halter top with budding little pre-tits sticking out into the wide-wide world. When women meet a guy that honestly does not care and treats them like shit it throws everything they know into disorder. It would be like you working the same job for fifty years making hubcaps or whatever shitty life you've made for yourself and you show up for your shitty job one day (should have got an education) and they expect you to make thermonuclear warheads. Women think that deep down this mysterious shithead who isn't trying to fuck me is really a wellspring of emotion and creative energy and puppies and pillows and reruns of the view when in reality he is a vagininja. He is stalking his prey with stealth and skill and just when you think you have this tough and rugged nut figured out he blows a real nut all over your face and hair. Then he high-fives you and says "thanks for the vagina" and gets the fuck out. A truly great, great man.
         In fact, I am proposing a theory right now that has been mulling around in my head for years. You truly grow up when you do not look for assholes in relationships. Men truly mature when they no longer think only of pussy and what yours smells like and women when they actually see a good man for what he is, a good man, not a weakling. Think about it fellas, do you remember the first time you dated a beautiful woman that gave you insane porno sex and you bailed out because she was a bitch? Congratulations, thats when you grew up. Ladies, remember the first time you actually appreciated a man that intrinsically wanted to stay at home with you and watch TV instead of going out to get loaded every weekend. Welcome to adulthood, feels great doesn't it. Many of you reading this are teenagers or in your early twenties and right now you are thinking "I'm an adult, I'm grown, I'm in college, I'm going to be a ________, he doesn't know what he's talking about." Well, no you aren't, fuck you, I don't care, you are going to wait tables like everyone else, and yes I fucking do. Couples in their early twenties and teens are constantly on the town or at shows on whatever you idiots do because you are not comfortable enough with your partner to just sit the fuck down and hang out. You are always looking for the next big dick that is mysterious enough to make your sorry excuse for a brain wonder "could this be the one?"
          As your problem sir, my advice is this: grow a pair, go over to this woman's house and choke the living piss out of her. Just choke the fuck out of her. Shake her ass while you are doing it. Women all love a good shakin'. If her old boyfriend shows up, knock him the fuck out, he is obviously standing in the way of your "made for TV Lifetime romance" movie of a relationship. Then have babies and raise them up to be spineless pieces of shit like yourself. Or, you could grow a pair and realize that this woman sucks, by a leather jacket and some mirror glasses, and go inflict some real fucking damage. Good hunting.

I want pankakes.

Dear Translators,
I had known this girl "Sarah" for about 5 years. She was married when we met, so we were only friends but I always had a huge crush on her. We lost touch, she got divorced and was in another relationship when we reconnected. I professed my feelings for her and was surprised to find that she had always felt the same way for me. She complained about her current relationship and told me that she was not in love with the guy, that their sex life was terrible and that she was looking for a way out. The problem was that it was inconvenient for her to break up with him because of her school/ rent/ childcare situation. We had an affair, and concocted elaborate plans to meet any time we could. Eventually we had a falling out but remained friends, until yesterday when she told me she was getting married to her boyfriend. I told her how foolish it was and how unhappy she is going to be, but she says I'm just being jealous and that I should be happy for her. So I need you guys to back me up. Terrible idea, right?


                          , W.H.                


I suggest you wait until the next rainy day and stand outside her window with a boom box over your head. But don't play Peter Gabriel, play "Sarah Smiles" by Hall and Oates or "Sara" by Starship. Or, you can wait until her wedding day and be the guy that speaks up when they say "If anyone thinks that these two are a trainwreck waiting to happen, speak now or bla bla bla".
   You're absolutely right. She is going to be miserable, and make that poor guy miserable and did you say ther was a kid involved? That kid is going to be miserable and go on to make another generation of miserable people all because "Sarah" is too fucking insecure to wait a year or two until she finds a fucking healthy situation. Someone may splatter their brains all over a wall because of her bad decisions. I mean, people get a tad sensitive when you tell them that you will love them and you got their back forever and ever even when they go in to a coma and are just a shit and piss factory. I mean, you're supposed to wipe that guy's ass one day that you can't stand to be in the same room with 3 months in to the relationship. Agreeing to marry someone is allowing them to rest all their hope and dreams on your little indecisive, wishy washy, philandering ass. Someone just might stick a pistol in his mouth. If they do I hope they remember the 35 degree angle. the only way to really get the job did. I'm drunk, you see. Fucking shithammered. And I live like a manchild. There's bowls of crusted over god knows what growing penicillen richt next to my ancienct computer moniter, dog hair all over my bed and my room smells like the bog of eternal stench from labryinth. bit you know what? I don't have to listen to anyone's goddamn problems. I dont have to hear anyone talk about their feelings:. So you better thank your lucky stars that that nuthouse didnt decide to try and get knocked up by you and drive her life over a cliff and take you with her because theres plenty of motherfuckers that tha wheat t5heyre gonna do.You heard her. "inconvieniet to break up because of rent/childcare/whatever the fuck you said? she was using some poor sap for his money, and then fuckin you at the same time? fuck you both. that poor sap is going to work everyday thinkin he's got some shit and then kissing the lips that suck your dick.Actually she was sucking both of your dicks and kissing you both so you sucked eachother's dicks. and you can build 5 bridges and that don't make you a bridge builder, but if you suck one cock you're a cocksucker for life. All you troglodites deserve each other. You all dip your naughty parts in a petri dish made of aids and dead butthole hamsters and then try to give it to me. Yeah well I have an aids proof cock. I dip my shit in grey goose when I git done fuckin and it fels so right. No aids. I don't have to go down to the clinic and spread my ass cheeks for the lady so that she4 can look for ass herpes. No way.  That's it.You should be happy for her. I'm always happy when other people prove themselves to be stupider than me, thus proving my superiority. I'm happy when I narrowly escape a 110 lb flesh bullet designed to suck all the life and freedom out of my soul and turn me in to one of those hapless, balding subhumans ordering a "moons over my hammy" at Denny's with three filthy, screaming kids in the booth. Oh yeah. She has a kid? And you're complaining that you got spared a lifetime of raising someone elses bastard booger eating short bus window licker? Just be happy that you got to hit it and now some shmo is gonna take care of it. And move on. you dont have to tell taht retard that its all gonna go bad. Sher'll find out soon enough. Maybe just being average is all that she could hope to amount to.I wish everyone in average america would 35 degree it. We need to clear out all the average people, like your special boo there. I want pancakes. I'm out.      

It's times like this that I harken back to some advice my father gave me as a young boy. When I was in the twelve or thirteen all I wanted to do was play baseball. I loved it. I collected baseball cards, practiced pitching in the backyard any chance I could get, and followed the sport ravenously. One day while talking to my father I voiced the thought that had been growing inside me for years. "Dad" I said, "I think I want to be a professional baseball player." He looked my in the eyes with only the love that a father can have for his son and said: "What are you, a fucking idiot? Do you have any idea what the odds are on something like that working out? Slim to fucking none." Thus my reply to you is: What are you, a fucking idiot?
You see, things end as they begin in the world of relationships as in life. You were born into this world naked and you are going to end up on an undertakers table the same way one day. If a relationship begins with some scandalous shit then it will end with some scandalous shit. Lets pretend for a minute that everything went great, the two of you realized that you were soul mates, and white picket fences were achieved. The rest of your life you would be looking over your shoulder for the next you. Anytime your relationship took a turn for the worse and she would go hang out with friends you would have the thought in the back of your mind that maybe, just maybe, she isn't with friends at all. Maybe she is with some other gentleman that used to have crush on her, professed his love for her, and is currently putting all ten inches of his massive dick into your woman. You know she is capable of cheating, she did it with you.
       You see, crushes are like vintage video game systems. Sure, Super Mario Brothers is fun as shit and you get a rush of nostalgia when you realize that you remember where the warp zones are but at the end of the day the Playstation 3 that you have right now in your living room is a far superior system. The graphics are better, you don't have to do that fucking blow trick to get the games to work, and at the end of the day you have grown as a person into bigger and better games. Why trade in the current dopeness that is Fallout 3 for the fleeting nostalgic thrill of Double Dragon? Crushes are fun. You get to think someone is cute, get excited when you see them, and imagine what life would be like if you were together but every bit of that is in your head. None of it is real. The reality is this woman is in a realtionship, has a bad sex life, and is coming to you for whatever reason. Does it stand to reason that the problems she currently has will transfer directly over to you? Answer: Yes.
       You must have some misguided idea that your shit does not in fact stink. What makes you so special that you can turn this woman's life around? Chances are good that you will be stuck in the same situation in six months but this time you are on the shitty end of the "I'm fucking someone else" stick. My opinion, you dodged a bullet the size of the asteroid that killed off the dinosaurs. This is a bag of crazy that you narrowly avoided like Neo in the Matrix. Cut ties now and forever. And the next time you wind up in a situation where some married broad is in to you think twice. Do you really want a woman who will fuck some one behind a partners back? Crushes are fun but they have a place: high school and in your fucking head. Let's leave them where they belong. 

Hating the Game

Dear Love Translators,
   As soon as me and my girlfriend broke up, girls have been all over me. The problem is that it's all girls that I am not attracted to in the least bit. Why is that? Why do the good ones seem to ignore me?


You know, I left your stupid question sitting in my inbox for too long becuse it is submoronic and not worth the time I'm taking to answer it. But, the questions have been slim lately, yet our fans have been clamoring for more ( I don't know why they just dont submit questions themselves). So here I am answering a question for some kid who's probably 15 and doesn't know his dick from his thumb. Why don't you ask me why they sky is blue? Or why Michael Bay gets to keep making movies? Here's your answer, but then I'd like you to answer me why your mom didn't go through with the abortion and does she regret it now?
    It is odd that girls have been all over you since you got single. Usually girls will be all over you when you have a girlfriend and as soon as you get single they scatter. Girls have a sense when someone is spoken for and it turns them on. I don't know how many of my past girlfriend's friends have tried to fuck me. Girls are catty like that. I think it's a power thing.
   The reason why the good girls ignore you is that you probably look at them with that wide eyed look of desperation that seems to be kryptonite for vagina. Women want a challenge. You are looking at them like you want to crawl up inside them and never come out. Stop it. The reason the girls you don't like are so attracted to you is because you are indifferent to them. Nothing makes a woman wetter than indifference. They should market it as a cologne. Indifference by Ralph Lauren. Here's a strategy: ignore the ones you actually like and incessantly call and text the ones you don't. I think it hurts a woman's ego to be ignored and they will make it a mission to prove that they can make you notice them. I know, it's a stupid fucked up game and I don't really want to play, but you can't win if you don't play. Being successful at love means sucking it up and lowering yourself to the level of the average mouthbreathing retard out there. Having an honest-to-god-I-like-you-you-like-me-let's-fuck-and-I'll-make-you-a-mixtape relationship is too advanced for most of these apes out here. Unfortunately you have to get all reverse psychological on people unless you want to fuck women that look like the old lady from the Goonies.


First off, I don't get what you are complaining about. If you just got single then what does it matter what these broads look like? Everyone knows there is a time honored tradition and routine that every man must go through when getting out of a relationship. Step one: Breakup. Step two: fuck everything with in a 25 mile radius of you in a drunken rampage that you will eventually regret and then even more eventually look back on fondly. Step Three: get tired of dumpster pussy and make a move towards something more concrete. Step Four: get pissed at the first decent lady that hangs out with you because you are still in drunken rampage mode and maybe every date doesn't need to be "get hammered and drunkfuck until you pass out." Step Five: Buy a Mazda Miata. They are pretty rad and nothing screams "put my balls in your mouth" more than a tiny ass, underpowered, fiberglass sports car. Step Six: Crash said Miata into a concrete bridge support on the interstate after you got loaded at a Fudruckers on Coors Light and some purple shooters while you were drunk dialing the Scarface lookin' bitch that you nailed immediately after your last relationship ended. Step Seven: Brief stint in jail followed by complete and total destruction of everything you built in your life to this point. Step Eight: Convert to Christianity in the hopes that being "born again" will look good on a resume. "Yes sir, I spent some time in prison but that was before I let Jesus into my heart." While some people are fooled on the inside you are still the pathetic fuck that you always were. Step Nine: Get fired after your religious facade is exposed for the garbage it is and start cooking crystal meth in the back of a U-Haul. Step Ten: By a new hat. Step Eleven: Start banging meth chicks. Sure they are skeletal and icky but they are always down to blow you and you already have the meth anyway so win-win. Step twelve: Find your meth soulmate and spend the remaining three years of your life smoking, swallowing your teeth, and fighting of the hordes of invisible  fire ants that will eventually drive you to suicide.
        I guess girls ignore you because you don't __________ or you have not ____________. Put what ever dumb excuse you want in the blanks. If you want a girl to notice you just walk up to here in the grocery store with your dick out and cram it into her eye socket. Some people may call that assault but I fucking promise that she will notice you. After a relationship can be a hard time. You want to show that useless bitch that ruined your life that you can bang hotter chicks than her but instead of doing just that you email us for advice. So how about this: make a woman notice you. Buy a guitar and start a band. Doesn't matter if you are good or not. Actually, the shittier you are the more likely it is that you will get laid. Hell, throw some herpes on top of your shitty band and you can't lose. It works for every touring musician I've ever met. The combination of shitty music and VD is like a bug light to any woman with three rum and cokes in her.
       In case you were wondering the post relationship steps for girls are as follows. Step One: lose weight and actually start looking good. You got complacent in your relationship but now you are back in reality and no one wants to take senorita fluffy gut home. I know people say "fat girls try harder" but that is bullshit. Crazy girls try harder, fat girls eat. Step two: Shave your junk. Just do it. Step Three: Go to any establishment and get on the horse. Now you are allowed 3-5 flings or multiple week "relationships" before you need to stop fucking. After 5 you become a slut. Step Four: who gives a shit. If you are lucky you caught her on step three and now it's time to get the fuck out. Let some other dick be the guy that dates the girl everyone has fucked.
        At any rate I don't care about your problems any more than I care about a tick on a hippos ballsack in the darkest jungles of the Congo. So if this helps you or not has absolutely no baring on my life what so ever. In fact, I alreafy forgot your question. Something about foot fetishes I think. Fuck it, dinners ready. Peace out bitches.

Cheaters

Dear Love Translators,
   My husband cheated on me in the past, but after a rough and rocky road we managed to keep it together and have been happy for the last few years. Now my friends are calling me saying they are hearing rumors that he's up to his old tricks again. I'm thinking about hiring a private detective so I can really nail his ass to the wall. What do you think?,


                                                                                   Anonymous


Dear A. Nonymous,

   You wanna know how many times someone would get the opportunity to cheat on me? Once. The first time was his fault. After that, it's all your fault. You know what it means when people cheat on you? It means they want to fuck other people! No sorry ass excuse will do: "I was subconsciously trying to sabotage our relationship because I was afraid of loving you to much and getting hurt" or "I just felt like we had a deep connection, like we had known each other in a past life" or " I didn't realize how much I loved you until I thought about losing you". People will say the most retarded garbage to dig themselves out of a hole, wont they? The honest truth would go like this. "I'm kinda tired of fucking you, so I fucked this other person and it wasn't as rad as I thought it would be, and you cook a pretty sweet meatloaf, so I figured I'd keep fucking you until something better comes along". But no one will ever be that honest. They don't think you can take it, and you probably can't. You know why I wouldn't take someone back after they fucked someone else? because I have self esteem. Because I don't want to stick my dick in a petri dish. Because being single is rad and I hate drama. But i will surmise that you love drama. I bet that's part of the appeal of your husband is that you're never really sure if you have him or not. If you did not love drama, you would just quietly pack your shit in the night, forget about hiring Magnum P.I. and just leave. Find someone who will not be out banging every slut in town. But I'm willing to bet that a nice guy that is respectful is not really your speed. Well, you're not so different than a lot of people. People are gluttons for punishment. If you don't trust someone enough that you would even suspect they are cheating, to me that's a reason to get the fuck on down. But then again, I look for any and every reason to bail on any relationship, but that's just me. I always fucking HOPE that someone cheats on me. I get a free pass, and you are an asshole. goodbye. Now I don't have to expend energy being nice to you and "listening" to you "talk" and stuff. How the fuck were you happy after he cheated? Did you ever suck his dick after that? Because if so you got filth all in your mouth. Listerine does not kill sin. Maybe he put it in that other girl's butt and you got doo doo molecules all up in your mouth face. well, you deserve it for being an insecure moron. Either leave him or shut the fuck up. I guess getting cheated on allows you to play the victim card, huh? There's a lot of power in being a victim. I can tell you're a retard because you're "married" anyways. Marriage is for people who are amused by shiny objects. It's for people who watch romantic comedies. It's for people who still believe in Santa Claus, patriotism and that there's a magical guy in the sky that loves you and after you die you get to live an eternity of radness where everything is awesome forever and ever. You know, morons.

        Let me start by saying that I support the institution of marriage. At the end of the day my partner and I talk a lot of shit about vaginas and what not but we still don't call ourselves the "pussy translators" though the description would, in fact, be apt. Everyone is looking for love. Regardless of the fact that you may be constantly patrolling the scene looking for a disease free stank hole to put your junk in everyone is searching for that special someone. However, marriage is not for everyone. It is tough. People are not readily able to deal with another person's shit day in and day out so it is not a leap that one should take lightly. I am of the opinion that you should not get married until you are between 30 and 40. After forty you run the risk of being the jacked up loser at a bar on a Tuesday and before thirty you have no fucking clue who you are and what you want out of life. Keep on the safe side, fuck as many people as you can while you are in your teens and twenties and then settle down while you are still attractive enough to get a winner but old enough to not have your head in your ass. I truly worry about many of my friends that one day I will be a father with a job and a life and the majority of these idiots I know will still be talking about the fucking P&H prom and how their band is right on the cusp of making it. You see, nothing clears your head like a little dose of "hindsight is 20-20" and you don't want to be the pathetic old fuck with nothing to show for your life except "I fucked 74 women and now no one gives a fuck and I make my own chicken noodle soup when I have a sinous infection." Sad.
           Enough with the serious "love is ok" bullshit and on to the "septic garbage twat" portion of the blog, that's what you dipshits are here for anyway. Cheating is stupid and wrong. I only consider it cheating when you are emotionally involved with some one so we will be using that as a baseline for comparison. If some dude you banged twice suddenly up and fucks your track coach then tough shit. When some one trusts you enough to say "listen, my delicates are your delicates. you are the only person that gets to play with them, shove your face in them and go "AAAAAAAHHHHHH" while shaking your head around, and don a strap on and pound the peanuts out of this here snickers" it is a serious and real thing. To cheat on some one is to say "your genitals are sub-par at best, in fact I find them rancid." That is shitty. I want you ask yourself a question and this is the one and only thing you need to think about before you cheat if you are tempted: "If your significant other cheated on you how long would it take you to let them back into your respective pants or panties?" Puts shit in perspective doesn't it?
           Wait for it..............................there are exceptions to every rule. If you marry a beautiful, fine thing that turns into the mother from Gilbert Grape then you get a pass. You may be in a committed relationship but you must stay on par with the level of attractiveness of your partner. You can grow old and get gross but you must do it as a team. If you find your partner is getting out of control, throw in a little "you know I don't fuck fat chicks, right?" or "This guy at my office showed me his dick" to light a fire under their ass. If your partner stops fucking you completely, you get a pass. I am not saying "dude, she had pneumonia for two weeks" is a reason to slip into some strange because it isn't ,but if you have been in a monogamous relationship for a reasonable amount of time (lets say six months to a year depending on your situation) then it is mandated by divine law that you are allowed to do what you gotta do. You must be on the same sexual level as your partner. Say your other constantly tries to get you to bang one out on the kitchen table and you never will, eventually he will find some one that will. I will put $1000 on the table that says a blowjob guy will eventually go and seek alternate vendors if his "one and only" doesn't make with the head at least once in a blue moon. Keep in mind that what you are doing is still wrong, cheating  always is, but under these circumstances it is at least understandable and predictable. Compare it to a guy that kills someone in a bar fight versus a child killer. Sure, he killed someone and that is bad but at least he didn't drive through Missouri wearing a kids skull as a hat.
           As per your question both you and your husband are at fault. He is at fault for cheating. He sounds like a serial cheater. Some people do not have the ability to think with their upstairs brains and thus can not see all the good things they have, only what they do not. This is a dickish personality trait and can not be broken, ever. I know a person that has lived and breathed by the advice of his dick his entire life and is now reaping the consequences in his old age. However, I don't want to say that this is the case. Ask yourself this: Is there anything you (yes you) could have done to prevent this. Was he at any point just whipping his dick out and saying "touch it?" Every girl in a relationship knows that this happens but after a drought dudes can get desperate so, did it happen more than usual? Maybe you were not doing your "wifely duty." Every man that I know that is married is a generally good person but when there is no water they will eventually find a spring to swim in. You must remember that your significant other is a real person even though they are in a relationship. Women still need to be romanced and made to feel wanted and men need an occasional "where the fuck did that come from!"
          In your specific case I can confidently say it is on your shoulders. "Fool me once" and all that. If some one cheats on you a shit load why in the hell do you think they won't do it again. An addict is always an addict. Just cut your losses and move on. There is always some dude out there whose wife won't let him piss on her that would be more than happy to meet you. My philosophy for many years has been this: If you find yourself in a position where you are really going to cheat and there is nothing to stop you just break everything off. Everyone will be happier in the long run.
        Oh shit. This came close to actual advice. There's still time to save this. uhhhhhh. Fuck a kitten. Ah shit, that won't do. How about: wet garbage vagina stink drove him to insanity. No. Then maybe you eat six cans of sloppy joe mix and shit on his grandmother. dammit. crap and crap and crap. CHICKS LIKE TO GET FINGERED WHILE YOU SING "STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU." crap. why don't you cut a hole in your pants and shove a chicks hand in there doggy style is preferred by four out of every five in the clergy blondes think semen tastes like whip cream it's not gay if you don't look them in the eyes syrup will keep the anus from bleeding if you watch Passenger 51 while she eats sour patch kids out of your dogs ass then............done, i surrender.

A question of age....

Dear Love Translators
My ex boyfriend and I, both in our early thirties, dated for about 5 years. We had a pretty amicable split and were able to remain friends. However, now he is being very promiscuous, and with all girls at least 10 years younger than him! He always came off to me as intelligent, and not like the other guys but it's obvious that he is just using these girls for sex. I mean, he can't possibly be interested in them for their minds, right? How could I have fallen for this guy? Is there truly something wrong with his behavior or is there something wrong with me for finding fault in it?,


                                                          Aghast in Lawrence, KS




        First let me say that I am aghast that some one from Kansas (especially Lawrence) has seen this blog. I am pretty sure that Kansas does not have the internet or running water. I assume that you were dicking around on the lobby computer at a best western on whatever pathetic vacation people from Kansas go on. I guess it would be some sort of county fair or some place where there is a "world's biggest ______." I guess when you are surrounded by wheat and boredom then a big ass stack of pancakes looks rad as hell.
          As to your question I would say this. Every person who has been in a five year relationship and gets out of it naturally tries to fuck everything with in dicks reach. If you ate the same flavor of ice cream for five years and then suddenly had all other 30 flavors at your disposal you to would go a little nuts. Just because your split was amicable doesn't imply that his naughty parts stopped working. You can find fault in whatever the fuck you want to find fault in but that amounts to dick and balls as far as your ex is concerned. Really, you think he is using girls in their early twenties and late teens for sex? No shit, that's what they are for. Girls at that age are pretty stupid so it's easy to do and the best part is they think they are all grown and progressive so fucking everyone makes them "liberated" in their minds. How dumb is that? And dudes at that age are so inept and awkward that they don't really pose a threat. An 18 year old guy wants to make a girl mix tapes in the hopes that she realizes the lyrics to that one Jawbreaker song is how he feels about you and then maybe you'll see how deep he is and give him a blow job. Older men just butcher the shit out of young girls, it's almost like poaching. This doesn't make him unintelligent, it just makes him a human male in his thirties with a penis.
            At that age men and women don't have minds, they have rage and sex drives, that's it. It is just 100% angsty confusion and hard-ons. That's what makes people at that age easy to fuck. This crazy thing happens in your late twenties and early thirties where your brain moves out of you ball-sack or ovaries and into your cranium. This gives you the ability to figure out exactly what young, stupid women want to hear that will immediately get you into their pants as opposed to just awkwardly trying to impress them with your half-assed knowledge of German philosophers. Statements of this variety usually sound something like "No, your art is amazing. It takes real courage to paint the virgin Mary with squirrel shit" or "Absolutely, I totally think there should be women's issues course taught in every grade from your freshman year in high school until you get a doctorate" or "I have a house that I don't share with six other dudes and it isn't covered in doo-doo particles, mold, and Kraft cheese wrappers."
            You "fell" for this guy for the same reason any girl "falls" for any guy: stupidity. We're pretty much horrible creatures that are covered in hair and man-stink so it is confusing how any woman would like any one of us but whatever. My suggestion to you is to keep bitching and moaning about it until you are an old woman with nothing behind you but regret and bitterness. Or you could do a little turn around and start balling a bunch of young dudes. They can go three or four times a night and you can choose where you guys go out because they never have any money or transportation. I know that they would appreciate some love training from an older broad such as yourself so get in there and get statutory baby, you deserve it. Oh, I'm sorry about the Kansas thing, that blows. But if you try really hard you will learn to spell and find out what air conditioning is. Hah! Kansas. What a shit hole.

What exactly is it that you "fell for"? Maybe the idea that your ex was somehow above a million years worth of survival instinct? You see, that's all sexy time is. We are like robots, programmed to procreate. No matter what is in the forefront of your mind, things like "no, I don't want kids right now" or "I'm in a committed relationship, so boning this person would be morally wrong", your body is constantly screaming at you to reproduce and to do things that would be better conducive to procreation. I hate it when people argue with me on this point. The simple truth is this: older men are commonly attracted to younger women and young women are commonly attracted to older men. For men, we are unconsciously looking for a young, healthy mate to spread our seed with. For women, you are subconsciously looking for a healthy alpha male who has established himself in the world. It's simple fucking biology. It's the same reason men like big boobs, wide hips and long legs. These are all features that make for better mothers.Stupid people like to argue that "we're civilized now. Our bodies don't run on survival instinct anymore. You're just making excuses for degenerate behavior". You're probably right, stupids. I mean, 4,000 years of civilization is enough to erase and eternity of evolutionary function. What was I fucking thinking? But let's talk about civilization. Civilization is based on a bunch of rules and moral codes that we made up that are probably good ideas if we're all going to live together and not want to choke the shit out of a motherfucker. The problem is that most of these moral codes are in direct odds with the way we were designed to behave. Your ex boyfriend is being a normal healthy male of his species. He spent 5 years trying to cultivate his "higher self" by being with a buzzkill like yourself and now he's exercising his rights to do whatever the fuck he wants. You don't have any fucking say in it. And it's not like he's breaking a law. Maybe you being a heinous bitch is a survival instinct in and of itself. It makes it easier for him to get the fuck on down and spread his seed. All over some college girls face.
   But don't despair. You see, he's at this golden age where he still can do things like that. For guys in their early thirties, the whole spectrum is available to them. 18 to 80, baby. Pretty soon however one of several things could happen. The best part about people doing something wrong is that you don't have to judge them. We all get punished for our own sins eventually. Best case scenario is that he'll eventually get tired of going to college parties and playing beer pong and listening to horrible screamo shit or whatever it is that young kids listen to these days and he'll go back to looking for something that stimulates his mind as well as his naughty bits. OR he'll get so addicted to young pussy that he'll keep trying to pursue those types of girls into his forties. Then he'll be the sad, old guy sitting buy himself at the bar eyeing girls creepily and muttering to himself. OR he'll knock one of those young trollops up, and have to live with a girl that resents him for ruining her dreams of finishing art school. OR he'll get a social disease and have to take medication for the rest of his life before he goes mountain biking and rock climbing.
   So there you have it. He's being a normal human being and will pay for his own mistakes if they even are mistakes and you're being a Judgey Mcjudgerton. Probably because there's nothing else to do in Kansas unless you like watching corn grown and sheep fuck. I hope you get hit by a train. I would console you with some highly skilled lovin, but you're all old and gross. Early thirties? Ew. I recommend a dating site for seniors. Look out for that wall, Dale Earnhardt, because you're about to hit it....

b-b-b-b-b-b-balls.

Dear Love Translators, 
                 Why don't chicks pay enough attention to dude's balls? 
                                                                             Unappreciated Sack.




       Really? This is what you are worried about? Your balls? That is just precious. Everyone likes to have the "stepchildren" licked and loved a little but at the end of the day they are the supporting cast and not the main event. I assume that you have no problems getting the ladies to touch your wienis so what's the big deal. You are getting cock-play but no live action to the balls? That does not sound like a problem to me. It's like when you are at a restaurant and they don't put enough salt on your mashed potatoes. Do you flip out and start complaining? No, you put salt on them and enjoy. Have you thought about grabbing your own balls and giving them a little shake? Next time you are getting blown just reach down, grab your nuts, and give em a little shake-a-shake-a. Maybe the lady will take it as a hint and grab away.
       To be honest though ball play is overrated. The other day I sat down awkwardly and barely brushed my nuts the wrong way and thought I had been hit by a train. If water from the shower hits your nuts the wrong way then it can fuck you up and that's just water. Knowing how delicate the boys are then do you really want some one yanking on them? The dick is a tough bastard. You can tug on it, slap it around, chew on it occasionally, and basically attack it but the balls are fragile. They are little baby birds that must be nurtured are kept safe, the future lives in there after all. Women are used to beating the shit out of penis and they tend to translate that mentality to balls so it's best to avoid it.
       But lets look at this from a woman's perspective. Balls are gross. A hairy flesh sack hanging really close to your asshole that stink and sort of look like an alien brain. You expect some one to put that in their mouth? It's bad enough to put something as ugly as a dick in your mouth but you can't expect them to jump into ball world as well. Guys bodies are gross. Even dudes that are super in shape. We are just gross. All hairy and shit dangling every where. Bleh. And balls are the worst of the grossness that is dude. Dudes can get zits on their balls. Did you know that? A hairy bag with two ultra sensitive oyster things in them that smell like sweaty doo-doo and now throw in zits. Don't you want to hum old man river on that?
        The real shit here is that what does it matter. Attention is being paid to your love-stick so what's the problem. You sound like one of those little fuckers that gets tons of shit for Christmas and still bitches when the presents are gone. The kind of asshole that just expects people to drop what ever they are doing and help you with whatever dumbfuck problem you are having. Instead of worrying about your balls why don't you meditate on the fact that someone is playing with your privates to begin with?

I would like to politely disagree with my colleague. For me, the balls are and integral part of the well oiled machine that is my lovin and I agree that women need to be more educated on the subject. With as many Cosmo articles as there are with titles like "10 secrets to driving your man wild in bed", you'd think these things wouldn't go so neglected, but alas they do. I understand that balls are gross. Sweaty, wrinkly, shtinky things that they are, but sexy time is not always pretty. I mean, when I was a teenager I had a vagina calendar. Every month was a huge closeup of a vagina. Taken out of the context of the rest of a woman's body, the vagango is not always the most pleasant thing to look at, or smell sometimes for that matter, but that doesn't stop me from writing out the Gettysburg address with the tip of my tounge on many a clit every chance that I get.
   The thing is, balls are very nervous. They are constanly succeptable to the crueltys of this world with little defense. That's why when they are gently held, they feel safe. Not, squeezed mind you, but they just want to be nurtured and told that everything's gonna be ok. Something about having my balls held turn me on like no other. It's just as hot as a finger in the ass. I usually tell my lovers if they're ready for me to be finished, just grab a hold of the balls. It's magic time, then.
   The real problem here is why you don't have enough metaphorical balls to just ask someone to play with your real ones? I personally love to find out what gets someone hot in bed. People will very rarely be disappointed with a little direction. I have never gotten bummed out when a woman said: "can you put that here?" or "can you lick me here, like this?" In fact, I've kinda got half a staff just thinking about those times. The bottom line is: We developed this sophisticated language specifically so we could communicate to each other how best to manipulate one another's naughty parts. Use it. You're not a caveman. You can do more than just point at your twig and berries and grunt.

Desperately horny?

so, i'm a healthy 20-something midtown girl, single at the moment by choice, and i am starting to wonder if my perversions are healthy or if i have some serious mental issues. also, i went to catholic school and i am unsure as to whether or not this could have anything to do with my slight depravity.  i love fucking. i will take it to a very serious level of weird, if you want me to. i'm open-minded to a degree that i do not know if i'm crossing some lines or what the hell. read on for my conundrum.  1. while i prefer real dick (nothing like it in the world), i do not mind eating pussy. in fact, i think girls are better kissers.. no offense guys, but our lips are softer. i often find myself as the third person fuckpuppet in threesomes; i'll go home with a nice looking couple and let them violate me in ways that would make most people blush. however, i have never been in a relationship where i felt sharing my significant other would be plausible. i get really jealous in commitments.  2. that being said, although claiming a man as my own can make me the paranoid girlfriend guys hate the idea of, i have a tendency to cheat. i don't ever feel good about myself after, and i'm not proud or slick- i always get found out. also, this cheating phenomenon occurs in my straight monogamous relationships. i really don't mean to hurt anyone. i don't know what the fuck happens. too drunk isn't an excuse, it's an issue. 3. i get off to lesbian porn more often than straight porn, and i get off to gay porn faster than both of the aforementioned. i cannot stand those long, fake fingernails in straight porn, the guys' physiques, the sluttiness of the girls, whatever. i like my kinky sex real looking, and this is best done when watching some natural yet still gorgeous lesbos go at it, or some well-kept, nicely molded fags plough each other. 4. i enjoy being submissive. dominance makes me feel, well, bossy. the only time i ever liked feeling in charge was when i strapped a cock on and fucked an ex boyfriend in the ass, watching him take every inch of my big fake dick. it was his idea, and i obliged, and i loved it.     i will get fucked in the ass if i'm in the right mood and it's approached properly. it weirds me out to get my pussy licked, i get self-conscious, but i like to do it. i love sucking dick. i like getting slapped, spanked, choked, and bitten, but only to the just-right degree, and i don't like doing it to others, unless they ask for it; then i'm still a bit shy.    also, i barely ever just get off on a cock anymore, or with another person. my clit has to be rubbed just right or i can't get off.  5. i'm ashamed of this, embarrassed really, so i am asking you total fuckheads to give me some advice on what the hell to do with myself, while remaining clothed in anonymity. i am prepared to look past the crass nature of your answers, and your making fun, but i would appreciate some genuine advice, as you seem slightly twisted yourself.    also, i'm not fat, ugly, or going to send you a picture for this article. it's not really about my looks. i know i'm pretty. maybe sometime, if you like the way i get down, i'll pay a visit to your offices and we can all get together for some physical therapy... (ah, there i go again!)    please help, translators. desperately horny & not sure if it's ok,           slightly depraved yet loving                                      Desperately horny,    When I was a teenager and on in to my twenties I had all kinds of hangups about sex. I too was raised by catholic, southern conservatives. Even though I began raiding my dad's porn collection at an early age to where the first time I had sex I was doing it with porn star skill, I still had my young emotions tied up in it and saw many things as taboo. Now that I am a seasoned veteran in the ways of love, I understand that there is no "wrong" when our sexual proclivities are concerned unless it involves little kids. Beyond that, it's all fair game.       Who doesn't love fucking? I would be more inclined to worry about the mental state of someone who doesn't love it.    I'm right with you on the eating pussy thing. If I'm really into a girl, there's nothing I like better than to see how many times I can make her cum with my mouth before I ever let her even see my dick. Mmm, peach cobbler. I like to play a game where I try and see if i can lick the back of her tonsils through her fuck hole.    As far as threesomes go? I don't see why that's weird. You get to fulfill your desire with both sexes, but at the end of the night you get to go home while they get to deal with all the bullshit that goes along with a committed relationship. You know, all that "talking" and "feelings" and shit. All that shit is Lord Farquar Gaytard. You are wise to stay away from the threeway thing when you're in a regaytionship. I know lots of swinger couples, and it always ends up weird, no matter how cool they say they are. I believe we covered this topic before (http://lovetranslators.blogspot.com/2011/02/threesome.html) The threesomes i've been in were never awkward for me, but like I said, with age I just don't give a fuck anymore. And if you can have a threesome with your friends and maintain a coolness afterwards, why then those are truly amazing friends and should be high fived. Preferably during the three way. it was weird though when my buddy made a comment about my cock when we were double teaming this chick. "Dude, does that thing have an elbow"? totally not cool to point out people's genetic deformities during a bang-a-thon. yes, I have a freakishly large cock. People should do a 5K for me. As far is the cheating is concerned, if you know you're going to do it, why even bother getting into a relationship in the first place? Are you attracted to the thrill? because it is indeed more hot to be doing something wrong, but generally I don't like to put some poor motherfucker through that. I, however am slick, so I never get caught, but I have enough of a guilty conscious that I will break up with someone (i never confess, however. I will take those stories to my grave) after I cheat. In fact, I have to say I hate people that feel like they have to "come clean" and destroy someone emotionally because they couldn't control their naughty bits. the grown up thing to do if you find yourself guilty of cheating and you feel bad about it is A: Don't do it again and never mention it or B: break up with your insignificant other so you can bang other people guilt free and never mention it. God, you people are fucking amateurs! Lot's of women love porn. All of the sudden it's acceptable now. 20 years ago all women were like "ew gross", and now you have all matured as a whole. good job. I guess you can all have raises now and be able to vote. As far as the submissive thing goes? yawn. Every woman for some reason likes to be choked, hair pulled, thrown around, man handled and roughed up a bit. It probably stems back to the caveman days. For the most part, I think your letter is bullshit. Full of contradictions. I'm guessing when you say "twenty something" you probably just mean 20. Your sex life sounds about as vanilla as Vanilla Ice. If you want to get crazy, meet me at a hotel room on Lamar and me and a crack whore are going to take turns shitting in your mouth. That's all the respect I think you deserve. And let me just add here that I really loved your work as "Corky" on the show "Life Goes On". You should have won an Emmy for that. Catholic school hu? Must have been one of the cheap ones without standardized tests by the way you clearly have no concept of the scope and range that is the word ‘depraved’. You fuck with couples- risqué! Also about as common in the bored housewife set as drunk chicks making out with each other so folks will think they’re cutting edge and shit... Your whole dumb ass generation has the power to google anything, yet you insist on calling the lamest of behavior perverse. So let’s just break it on down ----Don’t blame Jesus because you were in slow class. I’m sure that going to a catholic school has the power to shape the most amazing of sexual proclivity…but you weren’t paying enough attention were you? Your ‘serious mental issue’ is the oldest in the book: self-promotion with a side of preening idiot. If you love fucking sooo much then you should already know- the only time a line is crossed is when nutz do not occur. Nut= no line. Fact. 1) Oh, you’re in your twenties and you like the ladies (yawn). What girl in her twenties doesn’t lick vadge anymore?? It’s your generation’s thing- it’s your flannel hoodie if you will. Stupid little junior hos- it just makes you look desperate and phony and (omg) trendy. (Nice- you got the trifecta) …which is why the trolling bored married people zone right in on you. Also, Fuckpuppet is not a compliment… 2) You have no problem leaving your snail trail all over Frayser. Awesome. You know that does not make you a case study right? It just means that you don’t have the balls to tell someone what’s up. 3) You like a lil girl/girl, boy/boy action…. if you had even a vague deviant sex-bone in your body you would have figured this one out around 14 when you were just in your tawdry stage… Everyone likes same sex porn; you have not discovered something new. As for liking ugly people porn- I mean, what? Hmm? How low is your self-esteem that the pretty people intimidate you? They’re only there to help you out bitch! 4) Being submissive or dominant is like what hand your obviously absentee father beats it with- it’s whatever works! Personally I like my men manly as hell- men that can barely wipe their ass, much less shove something in it… and it’s for that reason that I’m with you on the pussylickin thing. (I mean, you are what you eat, and I have no desire to bed cunts). However it sounds to me like you’re trying to say you’re too shy, which makes no sense when you’ve already admitted to cornholing your own boyfriend… Here’s the cherry on top- you don’t even like the weak ass kink you claim you’re doing! You said yourself you don’t even get off… That’s why I call this whole letter “I think you guys are really funny and want to gobble your cock”. The next time you feel like flirting with these fine ass men, maybe just send a picture of your twat with a number attached and spare us this pathetic tripe…. the whole thing reeks of ploy. “add a dash of catholic schoolgirl to some assplay, mix in a threesome, and an inability to cum anymore on the side please!” Little tip here- you know who doesn’t have to say they’re pretty and not fat and shit? Bad ass bitches.         Ok. Let me start by saying that I would like call bullshit on this. It reads like a penthouse letter written by a teenage boy. I can almost hear you giggling in between writing sentences. "I like to fuck....tee hee." It's either that or this is real and there are serious issues on display. So I'll go ahead and play your stupid little game and treat it like is real.        What do you mean by a serious level of weird? Are you curled up in a corner simultaneously laughing like a maniac and balling your eyes out while covered in human doo-doo-turds while cradling the teddy bear that your creepy uncle made you bite down on while he molested you? Because that is a serious level of weird. Not just liking to have sex. Plus, I have seen some pretty fucked up shit in my day so what are considering "ways you have been violated that would make most people blush?" Have you ever been fucked with the skull of your first pet? That's fucked up. How about blown a guy and his dad while they play with each others balls? Also fucked up. If you just consider letting some frat guy put it in your ass (just the tip) then you and I are not on the same page as far as fucked up goes.         So, after much thought I have decided that you are a shitty person. You pretty much say, in no uncertain terms, that you suck as a person, a partner, and in general. So you are the super jealous type yet you always cheat. You say that you are super dirty yet ask if it is a problem that you are dirty. You prefer lesbian porn but don't like having your noo-noo licked. You vividly describe banging a dude with a strap on yet say you are embarrassed about your self proclaimed naughtiness. Basically you suck. What kind of person fucks some one in the ass with a strap on? Oh, here's a little tip (hey-o): don't call some one a "total fuckhead" if you want their advice. You want some advice you cum-dumpster, here you go: re-evaluate your philosophy on life and change everything about you as a person. You come off as a fake, uncaring, slightly nymphomaniacal (check out the big fucking words on this guy), big fat triffling ass liar.        Other than the strap on thing (which I think is total bullshit) nothing you describe is sexually that odd. You like to be submissive well here is a news flash: for a woman sex is a submissive act. You can play the "empowered woman of the twenty-first century" card all you want but if you are having sex with a man you are getting fucked. Pay close attention to my words. GETTING fucked. You are LETTING someone fuck you. Notice the use of "accepting" verbs. Philosophically, sex is submissive from the female perspective and dominant from the male perspective. I don't mean that in a sexist way, or maybe I do, I really don't care but if you really think about for a minute you will see that I am right. If you are a woman fucking a man something is getting put inside of you. You are ACCEPTING something foreign inside of your body. The man is PUTTING something in you. Think about it. Now, you say you like being submissive but you violated a dude with a strap on. Which one are you? Are the submissive person that wants to be slapped or are you a jerk that wants to do icky things with a strap on?       Basically there are two conclusions that I can come up with. First is that you are a liar. I believe that people rarely hold beliefs from two fundamentally opposing philosophies on life. You are annoyingly jealous yet a habitual cheater, you won't let your man enjoy a three way but you have no problem jumping in with another couple, you claim to be submissive but show fundamentally dominant traits, you brag about your whorish ways yet claim to be embarrassed about your whorish ways, you write asking for advice and offer to fuck us. Therefore how can we believe anything you say? It's called the liars fallacy. Once some one is identified as a liar you can't believe anything they say including them saying "I am a lair." It's like a catch 22. How do we know that any of these problems even exist or if you even care if they do exist? But mostly I believe that this is complete and total bullshit.        This email reeks of teenage-boy generated internet bullshit. Like those people that write stories about the characters in Family Guy fucking the Simpsons or poorly written letters to Penthouse. It looks like you took every stereotypical teenage fantasy and put it in an email. I can almost hear you giggling like a little kid after you write a sentence about how you like to get choked. Leave comedy to the people who are good at it like Sam Kinison and the guy that wrote the bible.         If any of this is true then your offer of vagina for my partner and myself is soundly rejected. Let's see, what do I want to do with my dick? Do I want to A) put it in a strumpet that cheats on her boyfriends, likes to fuck couples, would fuck a guy with a strap on (serious character flaw), and talks like a 14-year-old virgin that has never had sex or B) cover it in seal blood and stick it in a tank with a killer whale? After much deliberation i'm taking my chances with Shamu. The worst he will do is kill me. You, on the other hand, will tell me stories about how whorish you are yet not do anything whorish with me, cheat on me with some couple after never letting me get my threepeat on, and try to stick things into my booty that I don't want there. No thank you. Let that sink in. I would rather cover my dick in seal blood and stick it in a tank with a killer whale than fuck you. Between a killer whale and your vagina, I choose killer whale. That has to make you feel crappy. But you are in to being submissive so I guess you like that. But we have established so are a liar so that means you are really dominant. I'm confused.         Advice: Stop ruining dudes lives and take some time to get your head right. If you don't respect your self enough to keep yourself from being used like a fuckpuppet (kudos on that by the way) then no one else will ever respect you. That would be my advice if this were real. However, it is total bullshit so thanks for wasting my time fucknut.       Also, don't be one of those assholes that acts like all of their problems comes from catholic school. We all know your problems stem from the time the bus driver put his hands down your pants so don't blame that on god. Jerk.

Shallow?

Dear Love Translators,
I have a great girlfriend. She is intelligent and independent and basically my best friend. She's also beautiful...from the waist up. You see, I'm what you would call an "ass man" and she has a VERY flat butt. As time goes on I find myself less sexually attracted to her and she's starting to notice. I'm sorry, but I can't help it and I can't fake it. What should I do? Am I that shallow?
                                                                                       Troubled in Jonesboro


Jonesboro,
   Yes, you are about as shallow as a pissed in kiddie pool. You're not an "ass man", you're just an ass. So you're dating a "war hero". That's what I call girls with no asses, because I like to imagine her ass got shot off in the war. Let me break the news to you, fucktard. There are no perfect women out there. In the real world everyone has physical flaws and if they don't they will eventually. Everyone gets gross in the end. I think you should break up with that poor girl and let her find an man that's not a troglodite. If she's everything you say she is she will be able to find a man that will worship her, that will cook her dinner and then fuck her on the dining room table and that will give her back rubs and then go down on her for an hour. You see, often times our physical flaws are what builds character in us. Sure, there are girls out there that are perfect "10's" but they're usually fucking worthless, because they've never had to strive for anything in their lives. I've dated some fine ass women. Let me share with you a few examples where the Hot/Worthless ratio is in full effect.

1. #3- I nicknamed her this not because she was my third girlfriend, but because she hit a fucking wall like Dale Earnhardt after she spit out about 9 kids. Back in the day she was so fine. I'm glad I never married that land beast. It just goes to show you that beauty will not last. You better find you a woman that can stimulate you mentally. We all get old, but the mind is the last thing to go, usually so you better find a woman that is at least entertaining. Imagine being old and gross and having an old and gross wife that babbles on endlessly about nothing. no thanks.

2. Narnia- this girl was physically perfect. The first woman I ever had laid out before me that I could find no physical flaw with. And she had a magical vagina. It was another portal to Narnia and a unicorn sucked you off from inside. I think she must've put sugar in her pussy or somethin. But goddamnit she was dumb as a box of rocks. and mean. and shallow. and petty. and lazy. She's currently speeding towards that wall because she'll never exert any effort to take care of herself because she's never exerted any effort in her life. everything's been handed to her in hopes of getting a free passage to Narnia. get it while you can boys. She's going bad quick like a banana in the fridge.

3. Dragon cunt-. This bitch had a body like no other. perfect ass. She also had IBS and we'd be on dates and she'd have to go find a bathroom and take horrid shits. Her vagina also stank. It wasn't that she was unclean, I had seen her wash it (i even helped a lot of the time) it just smelled just very vagina-y. it was too much. it smelled like she had been foot fucked by a marathon running leper who had lost some toes in there two weeks ago. Now, I love eating pussy, but after our first date I never went down on her again. She also turned out to be nuttier than one of George Washington Carver's turds. Certifiably insane. She had no tolerance for alcohol. 3 beers and her brain would shut off and she would turn in to her "other" personality. You ever know someone that develops another personality when they get shithoused? I nicknamed her's "Brittany". One time she was sloppy drunk and put on some Brittany Spears and did a strip tease, trying to seduce me. Yeah, baby there's nothing sexier than a slobbering, stumbling drunk with a smelly bajango. My penis was never softer.

Now, you just have to ask yourself what you want out of life. If you want to spend your years chasing really hot pussy, you'll probably succeed in fucking some pretty hot girls if you follow our relationship advice. Eventually you will get old and lonely and wish that you had strove for more meaning in your life.  But if you want to have a meaningful relationship with a woman that you can love and respect as your equal and who you can both help along in life and share a beautiful experience with, then pull your head out of your own ass, fucktard, and stick your tounge up your girlfriend's flat ass, then kiss her on the mouth, tell her you love her, pull her hair, throw her down on the bed and make sure she's satisfied each and everyday! OR give me her number and I'll console her while you're out fucking strippers. By the way, what the fuck do you look like? I'm sure you're a real catch. you know, we as men are lucky that any of these fine ass women will even consider fucking us. We're all hairy an shit with beer guts and receding hair lines and we smell like old locker rooms and balls. PLUS! you live in Jonesboro you dumb shit! There's like, one semi hot girl that even lives there! Troubled in Jonesboro? Isn't that redundant? Oh you sure have big problems! Your girlfriend is 100% awesome but only 85% smoking hot! They should do telethons for you like they do for starving African children with flies on their faces. You have real problems my friend. Consider yourself the luckiest guy in Arkansas, count your blessings and quit sending me submoronic shit not worthy of my time.


Ahhh Jonesboro, where dreams go to die. If you are from Jonesboro then you probably won't be able to read this but seeing as I can not write this using only shapes and colors you will just have to try and keep up. There is no man on the planet that is good enough for his woman. Period. Women are beautiful creatures. They are soft, have boobies, are genetically predisposed to take care of other people, generally good smelling, and are very in tune with long term decisions. Men are not stupid and I am not going to kiss anyone's ass with that old "women are so much smarter than men" bullshit, but I will say that it constantly amazes me that women put up with any of our shit ever. If I was a woman I would be a pager toting, box munching, line-backer of a lesbian before I would deal with any of the shit ladies put up with from us. So mostly, you should be happy as fuck that any woman is interested in spending time with you. period. You are not worth it.
        Mostly what you are suffering from is what I like to call "the grass is greener" syndrome. This refers to the statement "the grass is greener on the other side of the lake" but in this case I am not talking about grass, I am talking about ladies and their delicate parts. You are from Jonesboro so hopefully that was easy to comprehend and your helmet isn't causing you problems while you read. Many times, a person will be in a happy, average to good relationship and meet another person and their mind starts tick-tick-ticking away. You invent a fictitious relationship in your head that isn't real and is therefore perfect. "She wouldn't mind when I came home wasted at four in the morning. He would love to watch American Idol with me. She would let me blow loads in her face and tell her friends my dick was gigantic. He would cook for me and clean the house. etc." This is total bullshit. It never works that way because the only place that person lives is in your brain. But when you are in a relationship you can convince yourself that you are either "settling" or could do better. Normally though, when you cross the lake the grass on the other side is shitty, thinks it is going to be a writer so can't possible get a job to help you pay rent (some one with so much talent can't work like all of the other uncultured fucks that haven't read a James Joyce novel), gets violently drunk, lies that some one tried to rape and kidnap them, doesn't flush the toilet after taking a monster shit, and just sucks in general. At this point you can appreciate your original grass for what it is but your original grass has moved on and is fucking your friend. Now you are fucked. Stuck in a shitty yard that leaves maxi-pads in the sink while your awesome yard moves to Wisconsin to get fucked by a minor league baseball player. So, enjoy what you have.
          When you reach a certain age you begin to appreciate what you have and not pine for what you don't. I don't need much. All i need is a woman who does not weigh more than me, will occasionally leave me alone, can talk about things besides other girls being bitches and fashion, and will semi-regualrly let me make sweet, sticky love to her in the style of the dog. Do I need a woman who hums "old man river" on my ball-sack?: No. Do I need a woman that lactates ginger ale?: No. Do I need a woman that can tie her body into a pretzel so you feel like you are having sex with a knot of some description?: No. Would these things be cool?: probably. But why in the name of Christian Fucking Walker would you give up a perfectly good woman just because she didn't shit strawberry laffy taffy? So what if your woman does not have the perfect ass? Everything else about her seems great so what's the problem? I'll bet you fart in front of her and giggle (because it's funny, no judgement here) but do you think chicks like that shit? She's imagining you raising something that came out of her vagina-tummy and you are acting like a six-year-old. Fuck you dude. You are what's wrong with America.
            Being that I am now pleasantly pissed I can say that nothing would make me happier at this moment than finding out that you are sterile. If Hagrid came to my house right now and told me I was wizard, then gave me a bag full of money, then told me the bag was also magic and could turn anything I put into it into a DVD of Monster Squad, then turned my house into a castle and transported the castle to middle-earth where I would apprentice under Gandalf for six months or so before becoming a badass, staff wielding motherfucker myself it still wouldn't make me happy as you not being able to breed. I take it back, I want you to be able to have children but when your woman gives birth all that comes out is a a bag of marshmellow peeps and a sign that says "you will get pneumonia and die on Thursday." And none of the peeps have asses either. And they all get pregnant at thirteen and you have to raise your assless/half marshmellow grandchildren because their father is touring in a jam band. Be happy that there is a woman in Jonesboro that anyone would consider "awesome" and just leave it at that. If you want to see big asses so bad just watch some fucking porn and then go back to your great relationship.
           Fuck man, why are you focusing on the ass in the first place? "Sure man, she does everything perfect, is hot as fuck, complements me perfectly, is awesome to be around, but you know, the thing that actual turdshit comes out of isn't really doing it for me." Are you fucking kidding me? Would you turn down a mansion on the beach in Hawaii because the septic tank was a little smaller than you are used to?  All of the poor bastards in this world that got knocked up by a drug dealer because they were a little careless as a teenager, found out a little to late that their honey-pie is a raging alcoholic but can't afford to get a divorce, or married a person that just up and decides one day that their life calling is to blow glass pipes and sell them at Widespread Panic shows and you are bitching about a great woman with a "smaller than you would like" ass? What the fuck. My perfect woman exists but you know what she doesn't have?, a god damn army of ninjas at her beck and call that would fuck any body up that I wanted. You should be happy that this is the case or your dumb-ass would be up to your nipple hair in ninjas right now. And these ninjas are the cool kind. They won't just kill you. They will bury you in a pit of fire ants and pepsi clear with nothing but the Cosmo surveys on "how to please your man" to read. Let you suffer like that for just long enough that you pray for death, then let you out and give you 10 grand and tell you it was just a test. Then, when you get comfortable and finally out of therapy for the post traumatic stress syndrome the ninjas and fire ants induced and have settled down in a nice apartment in an older neighborhood (nothing too expensive but it does have built in bookshelves which is just fabulous, and your neighbor is an interesting old man that tells stories about the war and collects stamps) they re-appear out of no-where and cut your fucking head off with blazing ninja speed and ferocity. BOOM. ninjafied.
 

Is Dating Outdated?

Why don't guys ask girls out on dates anymore? It seems like guys only get girls' numbers never to call or they call really late at night when I'm already asleep for an obvious reason...and I'm not going down that road. (can't wait to see the response on this one haha!)







It's sort of a long term plan but men everywhere met up on golf courses and at Masonic meetings and decided on a plan to drive down women's self esteems en masse. We all decided that we would get your numbers and then never call, hoping that you'll be sitting at home crying and eating an entire french silk pie by yourself. Our operatives in the fashion industry have planted all those waif like, heroin chic models just to fuck with y'all. We actually like curves, but we want to knock y'all down a few notches collectively. You're much easier to control when you're always trying to win our approval. but we will never approve. 



Real answer? I don't fucking know. Maybe you're a hideous loser. Maybe your vagina smells like the belly of a slave ship. Probably not because they eventually call late at night, but maybe they have to down an entire bottle of scotch to want fuck a land beast like yourself. I'm just speculating. Maybe you're smoking hot. I'll tell you why I personally don't ask girls out anymore.


1. The creepy factor- I've discussed this before. Every man that approaches a woman nowadays is being "creepy", so we just gave the fuck up. Oh, sorry I just made 1.5 seconds of eye contact because I think you're pretty. Can you stop blowing that rape whistle please? For a while I tried the neutral approach. Because all I ever heard was girls talk about guys creeping on them, I would give a girl my number. You can call me if you want, if not, it's cool. That way there's no pressure. If you're not interested, no sweat. Well apparently women also want to be pursued. Well, make up your fucking minds. I can't keep up anymore. That approach also never worked because most women refuse to be proactive about anything. I've watched too many of my girlfriends with their eye on a dude across the bar, but they won't go talk to the dude. They'd rather just sit there all night and wish that he'd come over but He's at the opposite end of the bar afraid to look at you for fear of being called a creep. 
2. The wrong number- I've had so many women that I approached hand me a wrong number, or if it really is their number they never answer or call back. This is so common, it fucking sucks. Hey I got a great idea. How about saying "no". Oh, I forgot, that one syllable is too much effort for Ms. Princess to form her lips around. It might cause her a few seconds of discomfort. Avoid honesty at all costs. I'll give him my number and he'll quit calling after the 35th time. I made a rule for myself years ago. The "one call/ one text" rule. If I call you or text you one time and you don't call back, it's over. I'm not going to pursue your fucking ass. who the fuck do you think you are? is your vagina the holy grail? I think it's probably more like the whorey petri dish of disgust.
3. Tremendous effort- women always complain about how much they have to put in to themselves for us to like you. Bullshit, you're a victim of a real conspiracy by the make up/ fashion/ diet food/ exercise equipment industries. You didn't have to spend all that money on that dress, make up, jewelry and those thong underwear. We'd actually prefer you in our old Iron Maiden t shirt and a pair of white cotton panties. A woman could walk out of her house wearing a burlap sack and snap her fingers and have 10 guys easily willing to give you a stiff dicking within 100 feet of your house. It's actually a lot harder for us men to win your approval.
   We have to have a career, we have to smell good, we have to have at least one article of clothing that doesn't have fucking paint on it, we have to be funny. There's a million other hoops we have to jump through every day for y'all just to bestow some pussy on us. That's why men got so aggressive in the first place. It is a constant struggle for us to get laid while y'all have to fight off dicks at every turn.
   Why don't you do a man a favor and ask him out. Turn the whole fucking tables around. We would appreciate it. We're tired of having to work so hard to feel appreciated. And when we call you late at night? It's because we were busting our asses all day trying to make something of ourselves so that you might consider fucking me and I had to get really drunk to have the courage to call you. Why is this so wrong? What, did you want to hang out during the day or something? Really, what are you even complaining about. If I could skip the awkward dinner, save the money I was gonna spend going out and just do my thing all day, and then at the end of the day have someone come over and fuck me and then leave I would be happier than a puppy with two peters. But I guess I'm one of the few humans that are sane, rational, self confident and not desperate. I think you should kill yourself. remember to hold the gun at a 35 degree angle.




      God titty fucking skunk raping lawn munching dammit. I hate questions like this almost as much as I hate stinging insects and men that cry. "Why don't guys ask anyone out anymore" (said in a stupid, uncreative, whiny bitch voice)? Here's a thought: who gives a fuck. Some things stop for a reason. When was the last time you saw some one with a pager? Long time right? That's because they are useless. Asking for a girls number is like sticking your dick in a beehive. Maybe one in a million times you will stick it in and find only warm, sticky, honey all over your balls but every other 999,999 times an army of pissed of bees will sting your dick back to 1983. Most people are stupid but almost everyone only has to put their hand in a fire once before they realize it's hot. My gut and experience tells me that guys stopped asking for your number personally because you are a velociraptor. 
      The short answer to your question is simple. Guys don't ask girls out because it sucks. I have said it before that when you are trying to sell yourself and no one is buying it is a horrible, humiliating experience. Getting up the courage to ask for some one's number is miserable. It is much easier to wait until you are drunk, strike up some completely bogus conversation concerning how we rescue pandas or some shit, and then ball your brains out. If we wake up in the morning and don't want to stick a steak knife in our eyeballs then asking for your number is much easier. After you have seen where another person pees getting their number is much less intimidating. You wouldn't buy a car with out driving it right? 
     The more accurate answer is that guys stopped asking girls out because girls starting putting out immediately. I very good friend of mine and I had a conversation once about girls that will fuck you after meeting you for five hours. It is gross. It is appreciated. It will never lead to a relationship. We agreed that it is relationship suicide to fuck on the first date. Guys like to chase. Name a sport where people sit in one spot and shit just falls in their lap. The new "what's your number" is a guy trying to fuck you at a bar. I am sorry but times change. If you go and fuck him then you get a big fist bump from me but you failed the prospective partner test. The next time you are out and some dude is putting it on don't fuck him. He will get all confused and say "what the fuck is up with this chick, why won't she fuck me? Is her vagina made of hope and wishes and unicorn dreams and backrub juice? This woman is a mystery that I must solve." Then there is an actual chance for 1950's-esque dating to occur. If you keep spreading open like the red sea then you can't bitch about dudes not asking you out. There is no need, you gave up the cap too quick. That screams to every dude that breathes air that this wasn't your first rodeo and no dude wants to date the town's mechanical flesh bull. 
       What really worries me is how did a velociraptor survive the extinction of the rest of the dinosaurs? I mean, the impact that happened in the Yucatan around 65 million years ago contributed to the death of the larger reptilian creatures on the Earth and the combined effects of the massive Indian Plateau eruptions and a series of glacial periods helped kill the rest yet you survived. I thought most velociraptors that survived evolved into birds yet you stayed a lizard. How does that work. You those big-ass claws on your feet cause problems? Like, do you stub them on shit or rip pants when you put them on? And what's deal with other dinosaurs? Could they all ask stupid questions and come off as superficial cunts? Could they all waste a good thirty minutes of life that I could have spent fucking a beehive? Who would have thought that the last surviving dinosaur on the Earth turned out to be an annoying moron? Neat.