Desperately horny?

so, i'm a healthy 20-something midtown girl, single at the moment by choice, and i am starting to wonder if my perversions are healthy or if i have some serious mental issues. also, i went to catholic school and i am unsure as to whether or not this could have anything to do with my slight depravity.  i love fucking. i will take it to a very serious level of weird, if you want me to. i'm open-minded to a degree that i do not know if i'm crossing some lines or what the hell. read on for my conundrum.  1. while i prefer real dick (nothing like it in the world), i do not mind eating pussy. in fact, i think girls are better kissers.. no offense guys, but our lips are softer. i often find myself as the third person fuckpuppet in threesomes; i'll go home with a nice looking couple and let them violate me in ways that would make most people blush. however, i have never been in a relationship where i felt sharing my significant other would be plausible. i get really jealous in commitments.  2. that being said, although claiming a man as my own can make me the paranoid girlfriend guys hate the idea of, i have a tendency to cheat. i don't ever feel good about myself after, and i'm not proud or slick- i always get found out. also, this cheating phenomenon occurs in my straight monogamous relationships. i really don't mean to hurt anyone. i don't know what the fuck happens. too drunk isn't an excuse, it's an issue. 3. i get off to lesbian porn more often than straight porn, and i get off to gay porn faster than both of the aforementioned. i cannot stand those long, fake fingernails in straight porn, the guys' physiques, the sluttiness of the girls, whatever. i like my kinky sex real looking, and this is best done when watching some natural yet still gorgeous lesbos go at it, or some well-kept, nicely molded fags plough each other. 4. i enjoy being submissive. dominance makes me feel, well, bossy. the only time i ever liked feeling in charge was when i strapped a cock on and fucked an ex boyfriend in the ass, watching him take every inch of my big fake dick. it was his idea, and i obliged, and i loved it.     i will get fucked in the ass if i'm in the right mood and it's approached properly. it weirds me out to get my pussy licked, i get self-conscious, but i like to do it. i love sucking dick. i like getting slapped, spanked, choked, and bitten, but only to the just-right degree, and i don't like doing it to others, unless they ask for it; then i'm still a bit shy.    also, i barely ever just get off on a cock anymore, or with another person. my clit has to be rubbed just right or i can't get off.  5. i'm ashamed of this, embarrassed really, so i am asking you total fuckheads to give me some advice on what the hell to do with myself, while remaining clothed in anonymity. i am prepared to look past the crass nature of your answers, and your making fun, but i would appreciate some genuine advice, as you seem slightly twisted yourself.    also, i'm not fat, ugly, or going to send you a picture for this article. it's not really about my looks. i know i'm pretty. maybe sometime, if you like the way i get down, i'll pay a visit to your offices and we can all get together for some physical therapy... (ah, there i go again!)    please help, translators. desperately horny & not sure if it's ok,           slightly depraved yet loving                                      Desperately horny,    When I was a teenager and on in to my twenties I had all kinds of hangups about sex. I too was raised by catholic, southern conservatives. Even though I began raiding my dad's porn collection at an early age to where the first time I had sex I was doing it with porn star skill, I still had my young emotions tied up in it and saw many things as taboo. Now that I am a seasoned veteran in the ways of love, I understand that there is no "wrong" when our sexual proclivities are concerned unless it involves little kids. Beyond that, it's all fair game.       Who doesn't love fucking? I would be more inclined to worry about the mental state of someone who doesn't love it.    I'm right with you on the eating pussy thing. If I'm really into a girl, there's nothing I like better than to see how many times I can make her cum with my mouth before I ever let her even see my dick. Mmm, peach cobbler. I like to play a game where I try and see if i can lick the back of her tonsils through her fuck hole.    As far as threesomes go? I don't see why that's weird. You get to fulfill your desire with both sexes, but at the end of the night you get to go home while they get to deal with all the bullshit that goes along with a committed relationship. You know, all that "talking" and "feelings" and shit. All that shit is Lord Farquar Gaytard. You are wise to stay away from the threeway thing when you're in a regaytionship. I know lots of swinger couples, and it always ends up weird, no matter how cool they say they are. I believe we covered this topic before (http://lovetranslators.blogspot.com/2011/02/threesome.html) The threesomes i've been in were never awkward for me, but like I said, with age I just don't give a fuck anymore. And if you can have a threesome with your friends and maintain a coolness afterwards, why then those are truly amazing friends and should be high fived. Preferably during the three way. it was weird though when my buddy made a comment about my cock when we were double teaming this chick. "Dude, does that thing have an elbow"? totally not cool to point out people's genetic deformities during a bang-a-thon. yes, I have a freakishly large cock. People should do a 5K for me. As far is the cheating is concerned, if you know you're going to do it, why even bother getting into a relationship in the first place? Are you attracted to the thrill? because it is indeed more hot to be doing something wrong, but generally I don't like to put some poor motherfucker through that. I, however am slick, so I never get caught, but I have enough of a guilty conscious that I will break up with someone (i never confess, however. I will take those stories to my grave) after I cheat. In fact, I have to say I hate people that feel like they have to "come clean" and destroy someone emotionally because they couldn't control their naughty bits. the grown up thing to do if you find yourself guilty of cheating and you feel bad about it is A: Don't do it again and never mention it or B: break up with your insignificant other so you can bang other people guilt free and never mention it. God, you people are fucking amateurs! Lot's of women love porn. All of the sudden it's acceptable now. 20 years ago all women were like "ew gross", and now you have all matured as a whole. good job. I guess you can all have raises now and be able to vote. As far as the submissive thing goes? yawn. Every woman for some reason likes to be choked, hair pulled, thrown around, man handled and roughed up a bit. It probably stems back to the caveman days. For the most part, I think your letter is bullshit. Full of contradictions. I'm guessing when you say "twenty something" you probably just mean 20. Your sex life sounds about as vanilla as Vanilla Ice. If you want to get crazy, meet me at a hotel room on Lamar and me and a crack whore are going to take turns shitting in your mouth. That's all the respect I think you deserve. And let me just add here that I really loved your work as "Corky" on the show "Life Goes On". You should have won an Emmy for that. Catholic school hu? Must have been one of the cheap ones without standardized tests by the way you clearly have no concept of the scope and range that is the word ‘depraved’. You fuck with couples- risqué! Also about as common in the bored housewife set as drunk chicks making out with each other so folks will think they’re cutting edge and shit... Your whole dumb ass generation has the power to google anything, yet you insist on calling the lamest of behavior perverse. So let’s just break it on down ----Don’t blame Jesus because you were in slow class. I’m sure that going to a catholic school has the power to shape the most amazing of sexual proclivity…but you weren’t paying enough attention were you? Your ‘serious mental issue’ is the oldest in the book: self-promotion with a side of preening idiot. If you love fucking sooo much then you should already know- the only time a line is crossed is when nutz do not occur. Nut= no line. Fact. 1) Oh, you’re in your twenties and you like the ladies (yawn). What girl in her twenties doesn’t lick vadge anymore?? It’s your generation’s thing- it’s your flannel hoodie if you will. Stupid little junior hos- it just makes you look desperate and phony and (omg) trendy. (Nice- you got the trifecta) …which is why the trolling bored married people zone right in on you. Also, Fuckpuppet is not a compliment… 2) You have no problem leaving your snail trail all over Frayser. Awesome. You know that does not make you a case study right? It just means that you don’t have the balls to tell someone what’s up. 3) You like a lil girl/girl, boy/boy action…. if you had even a vague deviant sex-bone in your body you would have figured this one out around 14 when you were just in your tawdry stage… Everyone likes same sex porn; you have not discovered something new. As for liking ugly people porn- I mean, what? Hmm? How low is your self-esteem that the pretty people intimidate you? They’re only there to help you out bitch! 4) Being submissive or dominant is like what hand your obviously absentee father beats it with- it’s whatever works! Personally I like my men manly as hell- men that can barely wipe their ass, much less shove something in it… and it’s for that reason that I’m with you on the pussylickin thing. (I mean, you are what you eat, and I have no desire to bed cunts). However it sounds to me like you’re trying to say you’re too shy, which makes no sense when you’ve already admitted to cornholing your own boyfriend… Here’s the cherry on top- you don’t even like the weak ass kink you claim you’re doing! You said yourself you don’t even get off… That’s why I call this whole letter “I think you guys are really funny and want to gobble your cock”. The next time you feel like flirting with these fine ass men, maybe just send a picture of your twat with a number attached and spare us this pathetic tripe…. the whole thing reeks of ploy. “add a dash of catholic schoolgirl to some assplay, mix in a threesome, and an inability to cum anymore on the side please!” Little tip here- you know who doesn’t have to say they’re pretty and not fat and shit? Bad ass bitches.         Ok. Let me start by saying that I would like call bullshit on this. It reads like a penthouse letter written by a teenage boy. I can almost hear you giggling in between writing sentences. "I like to fuck....tee hee." It's either that or this is real and there are serious issues on display. So I'll go ahead and play your stupid little game and treat it like is real.        What do you mean by a serious level of weird? Are you curled up in a corner simultaneously laughing like a maniac and balling your eyes out while covered in human doo-doo-turds while cradling the teddy bear that your creepy uncle made you bite down on while he molested you? Because that is a serious level of weird. Not just liking to have sex. Plus, I have seen some pretty fucked up shit in my day so what are considering "ways you have been violated that would make most people blush?" Have you ever been fucked with the skull of your first pet? That's fucked up. How about blown a guy and his dad while they play with each others balls? Also fucked up. If you just consider letting some frat guy put it in your ass (just the tip) then you and I are not on the same page as far as fucked up goes.         So, after much thought I have decided that you are a shitty person. You pretty much say, in no uncertain terms, that you suck as a person, a partner, and in general. So you are the super jealous type yet you always cheat. You say that you are super dirty yet ask if it is a problem that you are dirty. You prefer lesbian porn but don't like having your noo-noo licked. You vividly describe banging a dude with a strap on yet say you are embarrassed about your self proclaimed naughtiness. Basically you suck. What kind of person fucks some one in the ass with a strap on? Oh, here's a little tip (hey-o): don't call some one a "total fuckhead" if you want their advice. You want some advice you cum-dumpster, here you go: re-evaluate your philosophy on life and change everything about you as a person. You come off as a fake, uncaring, slightly nymphomaniacal (check out the big fucking words on this guy), big fat triffling ass liar.        Other than the strap on thing (which I think is total bullshit) nothing you describe is sexually that odd. You like to be submissive well here is a news flash: for a woman sex is a submissive act. You can play the "empowered woman of the twenty-first century" card all you want but if you are having sex with a man you are getting fucked. Pay close attention to my words. GETTING fucked. You are LETTING someone fuck you. Notice the use of "accepting" verbs. Philosophically, sex is submissive from the female perspective and dominant from the male perspective. I don't mean that in a sexist way, or maybe I do, I really don't care but if you really think about for a minute you will see that I am right. If you are a woman fucking a man something is getting put inside of you. You are ACCEPTING something foreign inside of your body. The man is PUTTING something in you. Think about it. Now, you say you like being submissive but you violated a dude with a strap on. Which one are you? Are the submissive person that wants to be slapped or are you a jerk that wants to do icky things with a strap on?       Basically there are two conclusions that I can come up with. First is that you are a liar. I believe that people rarely hold beliefs from two fundamentally opposing philosophies on life. You are annoyingly jealous yet a habitual cheater, you won't let your man enjoy a three way but you have no problem jumping in with another couple, you claim to be submissive but show fundamentally dominant traits, you brag about your whorish ways yet claim to be embarrassed about your whorish ways, you write asking for advice and offer to fuck us. Therefore how can we believe anything you say? It's called the liars fallacy. Once some one is identified as a liar you can't believe anything they say including them saying "I am a lair." It's like a catch 22. How do we know that any of these problems even exist or if you even care if they do exist? But mostly I believe that this is complete and total bullshit.        This email reeks of teenage-boy generated internet bullshit. Like those people that write stories about the characters in Family Guy fucking the Simpsons or poorly written letters to Penthouse. It looks like you took every stereotypical teenage fantasy and put it in an email. I can almost hear you giggling like a little kid after you write a sentence about how you like to get choked. Leave comedy to the people who are good at it like Sam Kinison and the guy that wrote the bible.         If any of this is true then your offer of vagina for my partner and myself is soundly rejected. Let's see, what do I want to do with my dick? Do I want to A) put it in a strumpet that cheats on her boyfriends, likes to fuck couples, would fuck a guy with a strap on (serious character flaw), and talks like a 14-year-old virgin that has never had sex or B) cover it in seal blood and stick it in a tank with a killer whale? After much deliberation i'm taking my chances with Shamu. The worst he will do is kill me. You, on the other hand, will tell me stories about how whorish you are yet not do anything whorish with me, cheat on me with some couple after never letting me get my threepeat on, and try to stick things into my booty that I don't want there. No thank you. Let that sink in. I would rather cover my dick in seal blood and stick it in a tank with a killer whale than fuck you. Between a killer whale and your vagina, I choose killer whale. That has to make you feel crappy. But you are in to being submissive so I guess you like that. But we have established so are a liar so that means you are really dominant. I'm confused.         Advice: Stop ruining dudes lives and take some time to get your head right. If you don't respect your self enough to keep yourself from being used like a fuckpuppet (kudos on that by the way) then no one else will ever respect you. That would be my advice if this were real. However, it is total bullshit so thanks for wasting my time fucknut.       Also, don't be one of those assholes that acts like all of their problems comes from catholic school. We all know your problems stem from the time the bus driver put his hands down your pants so don't blame that on god. Jerk.

Shallow?

Dear Love Translators,
I have a great girlfriend. She is intelligent and independent and basically my best friend. She's also beautiful...from the waist up. You see, I'm what you would call an "ass man" and she has a VERY flat butt. As time goes on I find myself less sexually attracted to her and she's starting to notice. I'm sorry, but I can't help it and I can't fake it. What should I do? Am I that shallow?
                                                                                       Troubled in Jonesboro


Jonesboro,
   Yes, you are about as shallow as a pissed in kiddie pool. You're not an "ass man", you're just an ass. So you're dating a "war hero". That's what I call girls with no asses, because I like to imagine her ass got shot off in the war. Let me break the news to you, fucktard. There are no perfect women out there. In the real world everyone has physical flaws and if they don't they will eventually. Everyone gets gross in the end. I think you should break up with that poor girl and let her find an man that's not a troglodite. If she's everything you say she is she will be able to find a man that will worship her, that will cook her dinner and then fuck her on the dining room table and that will give her back rubs and then go down on her for an hour. You see, often times our physical flaws are what builds character in us. Sure, there are girls out there that are perfect "10's" but they're usually fucking worthless, because they've never had to strive for anything in their lives. I've dated some fine ass women. Let me share with you a few examples where the Hot/Worthless ratio is in full effect.

1. #3- I nicknamed her this not because she was my third girlfriend, but because she hit a fucking wall like Dale Earnhardt after she spit out about 9 kids. Back in the day she was so fine. I'm glad I never married that land beast. It just goes to show you that beauty will not last. You better find you a woman that can stimulate you mentally. We all get old, but the mind is the last thing to go, usually so you better find a woman that is at least entertaining. Imagine being old and gross and having an old and gross wife that babbles on endlessly about nothing. no thanks.

2. Narnia- this girl was physically perfect. The first woman I ever had laid out before me that I could find no physical flaw with. And she had a magical vagina. It was another portal to Narnia and a unicorn sucked you off from inside. I think she must've put sugar in her pussy or somethin. But goddamnit she was dumb as a box of rocks. and mean. and shallow. and petty. and lazy. She's currently speeding towards that wall because she'll never exert any effort to take care of herself because she's never exerted any effort in her life. everything's been handed to her in hopes of getting a free passage to Narnia. get it while you can boys. She's going bad quick like a banana in the fridge.

3. Dragon cunt-. This bitch had a body like no other. perfect ass. She also had IBS and we'd be on dates and she'd have to go find a bathroom and take horrid shits. Her vagina also stank. It wasn't that she was unclean, I had seen her wash it (i even helped a lot of the time) it just smelled just very vagina-y. it was too much. it smelled like she had been foot fucked by a marathon running leper who had lost some toes in there two weeks ago. Now, I love eating pussy, but after our first date I never went down on her again. She also turned out to be nuttier than one of George Washington Carver's turds. Certifiably insane. She had no tolerance for alcohol. 3 beers and her brain would shut off and she would turn in to her "other" personality. You ever know someone that develops another personality when they get shithoused? I nicknamed her's "Brittany". One time she was sloppy drunk and put on some Brittany Spears and did a strip tease, trying to seduce me. Yeah, baby there's nothing sexier than a slobbering, stumbling drunk with a smelly bajango. My penis was never softer.

Now, you just have to ask yourself what you want out of life. If you want to spend your years chasing really hot pussy, you'll probably succeed in fucking some pretty hot girls if you follow our relationship advice. Eventually you will get old and lonely and wish that you had strove for more meaning in your life.  But if you want to have a meaningful relationship with a woman that you can love and respect as your equal and who you can both help along in life and share a beautiful experience with, then pull your head out of your own ass, fucktard, and stick your tounge up your girlfriend's flat ass, then kiss her on the mouth, tell her you love her, pull her hair, throw her down on the bed and make sure she's satisfied each and everyday! OR give me her number and I'll console her while you're out fucking strippers. By the way, what the fuck do you look like? I'm sure you're a real catch. you know, we as men are lucky that any of these fine ass women will even consider fucking us. We're all hairy an shit with beer guts and receding hair lines and we smell like old locker rooms and balls. PLUS! you live in Jonesboro you dumb shit! There's like, one semi hot girl that even lives there! Troubled in Jonesboro? Isn't that redundant? Oh you sure have big problems! Your girlfriend is 100% awesome but only 85% smoking hot! They should do telethons for you like they do for starving African children with flies on their faces. You have real problems my friend. Consider yourself the luckiest guy in Arkansas, count your blessings and quit sending me submoronic shit not worthy of my time.


Ahhh Jonesboro, where dreams go to die. If you are from Jonesboro then you probably won't be able to read this but seeing as I can not write this using only shapes and colors you will just have to try and keep up. There is no man on the planet that is good enough for his woman. Period. Women are beautiful creatures. They are soft, have boobies, are genetically predisposed to take care of other people, generally good smelling, and are very in tune with long term decisions. Men are not stupid and I am not going to kiss anyone's ass with that old "women are so much smarter than men" bullshit, but I will say that it constantly amazes me that women put up with any of our shit ever. If I was a woman I would be a pager toting, box munching, line-backer of a lesbian before I would deal with any of the shit ladies put up with from us. So mostly, you should be happy as fuck that any woman is interested in spending time with you. period. You are not worth it.
        Mostly what you are suffering from is what I like to call "the grass is greener" syndrome. This refers to the statement "the grass is greener on the other side of the lake" but in this case I am not talking about grass, I am talking about ladies and their delicate parts. You are from Jonesboro so hopefully that was easy to comprehend and your helmet isn't causing you problems while you read. Many times, a person will be in a happy, average to good relationship and meet another person and their mind starts tick-tick-ticking away. You invent a fictitious relationship in your head that isn't real and is therefore perfect. "She wouldn't mind when I came home wasted at four in the morning. He would love to watch American Idol with me. She would let me blow loads in her face and tell her friends my dick was gigantic. He would cook for me and clean the house. etc." This is total bullshit. It never works that way because the only place that person lives is in your brain. But when you are in a relationship you can convince yourself that you are either "settling" or could do better. Normally though, when you cross the lake the grass on the other side is shitty, thinks it is going to be a writer so can't possible get a job to help you pay rent (some one with so much talent can't work like all of the other uncultured fucks that haven't read a James Joyce novel), gets violently drunk, lies that some one tried to rape and kidnap them, doesn't flush the toilet after taking a monster shit, and just sucks in general. At this point you can appreciate your original grass for what it is but your original grass has moved on and is fucking your friend. Now you are fucked. Stuck in a shitty yard that leaves maxi-pads in the sink while your awesome yard moves to Wisconsin to get fucked by a minor league baseball player. So, enjoy what you have.
          When you reach a certain age you begin to appreciate what you have and not pine for what you don't. I don't need much. All i need is a woman who does not weigh more than me, will occasionally leave me alone, can talk about things besides other girls being bitches and fashion, and will semi-regualrly let me make sweet, sticky love to her in the style of the dog. Do I need a woman who hums "old man river" on my ball-sack?: No. Do I need a woman that lactates ginger ale?: No. Do I need a woman that can tie her body into a pretzel so you feel like you are having sex with a knot of some description?: No. Would these things be cool?: probably. But why in the name of Christian Fucking Walker would you give up a perfectly good woman just because she didn't shit strawberry laffy taffy? So what if your woman does not have the perfect ass? Everything else about her seems great so what's the problem? I'll bet you fart in front of her and giggle (because it's funny, no judgement here) but do you think chicks like that shit? She's imagining you raising something that came out of her vagina-tummy and you are acting like a six-year-old. Fuck you dude. You are what's wrong with America.
            Being that I am now pleasantly pissed I can say that nothing would make me happier at this moment than finding out that you are sterile. If Hagrid came to my house right now and told me I was wizard, then gave me a bag full of money, then told me the bag was also magic and could turn anything I put into it into a DVD of Monster Squad, then turned my house into a castle and transported the castle to middle-earth where I would apprentice under Gandalf for six months or so before becoming a badass, staff wielding motherfucker myself it still wouldn't make me happy as you not being able to breed. I take it back, I want you to be able to have children but when your woman gives birth all that comes out is a a bag of marshmellow peeps and a sign that says "you will get pneumonia and die on Thursday." And none of the peeps have asses either. And they all get pregnant at thirteen and you have to raise your assless/half marshmellow grandchildren because their father is touring in a jam band. Be happy that there is a woman in Jonesboro that anyone would consider "awesome" and just leave it at that. If you want to see big asses so bad just watch some fucking porn and then go back to your great relationship.
           Fuck man, why are you focusing on the ass in the first place? "Sure man, she does everything perfect, is hot as fuck, complements me perfectly, is awesome to be around, but you know, the thing that actual turdshit comes out of isn't really doing it for me." Are you fucking kidding me? Would you turn down a mansion on the beach in Hawaii because the septic tank was a little smaller than you are used to?  All of the poor bastards in this world that got knocked up by a drug dealer because they were a little careless as a teenager, found out a little to late that their honey-pie is a raging alcoholic but can't afford to get a divorce, or married a person that just up and decides one day that their life calling is to blow glass pipes and sell them at Widespread Panic shows and you are bitching about a great woman with a "smaller than you would like" ass? What the fuck. My perfect woman exists but you know what she doesn't have?, a god damn army of ninjas at her beck and call that would fuck any body up that I wanted. You should be happy that this is the case or your dumb-ass would be up to your nipple hair in ninjas right now. And these ninjas are the cool kind. They won't just kill you. They will bury you in a pit of fire ants and pepsi clear with nothing but the Cosmo surveys on "how to please your man" to read. Let you suffer like that for just long enough that you pray for death, then let you out and give you 10 grand and tell you it was just a test. Then, when you get comfortable and finally out of therapy for the post traumatic stress syndrome the ninjas and fire ants induced and have settled down in a nice apartment in an older neighborhood (nothing too expensive but it does have built in bookshelves which is just fabulous, and your neighbor is an interesting old man that tells stories about the war and collects stamps) they re-appear out of no-where and cut your fucking head off with blazing ninja speed and ferocity. BOOM. ninjafied.
 

Is Dating Outdated?

Why don't guys ask girls out on dates anymore? It seems like guys only get girls' numbers never to call or they call really late at night when I'm already asleep for an obvious reason...and I'm not going down that road. (can't wait to see the response on this one haha!)







It's sort of a long term plan but men everywhere met up on golf courses and at Masonic meetings and decided on a plan to drive down women's self esteems en masse. We all decided that we would get your numbers and then never call, hoping that you'll be sitting at home crying and eating an entire french silk pie by yourself. Our operatives in the fashion industry have planted all those waif like, heroin chic models just to fuck with y'all. We actually like curves, but we want to knock y'all down a few notches collectively. You're much easier to control when you're always trying to win our approval. but we will never approve. 



Real answer? I don't fucking know. Maybe you're a hideous loser. Maybe your vagina smells like the belly of a slave ship. Probably not because they eventually call late at night, but maybe they have to down an entire bottle of scotch to want fuck a land beast like yourself. I'm just speculating. Maybe you're smoking hot. I'll tell you why I personally don't ask girls out anymore.


1. The creepy factor- I've discussed this before. Every man that approaches a woman nowadays is being "creepy", so we just gave the fuck up. Oh, sorry I just made 1.5 seconds of eye contact because I think you're pretty. Can you stop blowing that rape whistle please? For a while I tried the neutral approach. Because all I ever heard was girls talk about guys creeping on them, I would give a girl my number. You can call me if you want, if not, it's cool. That way there's no pressure. If you're not interested, no sweat. Well apparently women also want to be pursued. Well, make up your fucking minds. I can't keep up anymore. That approach also never worked because most women refuse to be proactive about anything. I've watched too many of my girlfriends with their eye on a dude across the bar, but they won't go talk to the dude. They'd rather just sit there all night and wish that he'd come over but He's at the opposite end of the bar afraid to look at you for fear of being called a creep. 
2. The wrong number- I've had so many women that I approached hand me a wrong number, or if it really is their number they never answer or call back. This is so common, it fucking sucks. Hey I got a great idea. How about saying "no". Oh, I forgot, that one syllable is too much effort for Ms. Princess to form her lips around. It might cause her a few seconds of discomfort. Avoid honesty at all costs. I'll give him my number and he'll quit calling after the 35th time. I made a rule for myself years ago. The "one call/ one text" rule. If I call you or text you one time and you don't call back, it's over. I'm not going to pursue your fucking ass. who the fuck do you think you are? is your vagina the holy grail? I think it's probably more like the whorey petri dish of disgust.
3. Tremendous effort- women always complain about how much they have to put in to themselves for us to like you. Bullshit, you're a victim of a real conspiracy by the make up/ fashion/ diet food/ exercise equipment industries. You didn't have to spend all that money on that dress, make up, jewelry and those thong underwear. We'd actually prefer you in our old Iron Maiden t shirt and a pair of white cotton panties. A woman could walk out of her house wearing a burlap sack and snap her fingers and have 10 guys easily willing to give you a stiff dicking within 100 feet of your house. It's actually a lot harder for us men to win your approval.
   We have to have a career, we have to smell good, we have to have at least one article of clothing that doesn't have fucking paint on it, we have to be funny. There's a million other hoops we have to jump through every day for y'all just to bestow some pussy on us. That's why men got so aggressive in the first place. It is a constant struggle for us to get laid while y'all have to fight off dicks at every turn.
   Why don't you do a man a favor and ask him out. Turn the whole fucking tables around. We would appreciate it. We're tired of having to work so hard to feel appreciated. And when we call you late at night? It's because we were busting our asses all day trying to make something of ourselves so that you might consider fucking me and I had to get really drunk to have the courage to call you. Why is this so wrong? What, did you want to hang out during the day or something? Really, what are you even complaining about. If I could skip the awkward dinner, save the money I was gonna spend going out and just do my thing all day, and then at the end of the day have someone come over and fuck me and then leave I would be happier than a puppy with two peters. But I guess I'm one of the few humans that are sane, rational, self confident and not desperate. I think you should kill yourself. remember to hold the gun at a 35 degree angle.




      God titty fucking skunk raping lawn munching dammit. I hate questions like this almost as much as I hate stinging insects and men that cry. "Why don't guys ask anyone out anymore" (said in a stupid, uncreative, whiny bitch voice)? Here's a thought: who gives a fuck. Some things stop for a reason. When was the last time you saw some one with a pager? Long time right? That's because they are useless. Asking for a girls number is like sticking your dick in a beehive. Maybe one in a million times you will stick it in and find only warm, sticky, honey all over your balls but every other 999,999 times an army of pissed of bees will sting your dick back to 1983. Most people are stupid but almost everyone only has to put their hand in a fire once before they realize it's hot. My gut and experience tells me that guys stopped asking for your number personally because you are a velociraptor. 
      The short answer to your question is simple. Guys don't ask girls out because it sucks. I have said it before that when you are trying to sell yourself and no one is buying it is a horrible, humiliating experience. Getting up the courage to ask for some one's number is miserable. It is much easier to wait until you are drunk, strike up some completely bogus conversation concerning how we rescue pandas or some shit, and then ball your brains out. If we wake up in the morning and don't want to stick a steak knife in our eyeballs then asking for your number is much easier. After you have seen where another person pees getting their number is much less intimidating. You wouldn't buy a car with out driving it right? 
     The more accurate answer is that guys stopped asking girls out because girls starting putting out immediately. I very good friend of mine and I had a conversation once about girls that will fuck you after meeting you for five hours. It is gross. It is appreciated. It will never lead to a relationship. We agreed that it is relationship suicide to fuck on the first date. Guys like to chase. Name a sport where people sit in one spot and shit just falls in their lap. The new "what's your number" is a guy trying to fuck you at a bar. I am sorry but times change. If you go and fuck him then you get a big fist bump from me but you failed the prospective partner test. The next time you are out and some dude is putting it on don't fuck him. He will get all confused and say "what the fuck is up with this chick, why won't she fuck me? Is her vagina made of hope and wishes and unicorn dreams and backrub juice? This woman is a mystery that I must solve." Then there is an actual chance for 1950's-esque dating to occur. If you keep spreading open like the red sea then you can't bitch about dudes not asking you out. There is no need, you gave up the cap too quick. That screams to every dude that breathes air that this wasn't your first rodeo and no dude wants to date the town's mechanical flesh bull. 
       What really worries me is how did a velociraptor survive the extinction of the rest of the dinosaurs? I mean, the impact that happened in the Yucatan around 65 million years ago contributed to the death of the larger reptilian creatures on the Earth and the combined effects of the massive Indian Plateau eruptions and a series of glacial periods helped kill the rest yet you survived. I thought most velociraptors that survived evolved into birds yet you stayed a lizard. How does that work. You those big-ass claws on your feet cause problems? Like, do you stub them on shit or rip pants when you put them on? And what's deal with other dinosaurs? Could they all ask stupid questions and come off as superficial cunts? Could they all waste a good thirty minutes of life that I could have spent fucking a beehive? Who would have thought that the last surviving dinosaur on the Earth turned out to be an annoying moron? Neat. 

Why even bother?

Why even bother?

 I’m a 33 year old single woman, no children, gainfully employed. I’ve accepted the fact that I will die alone (I got a cat) but my friends and family can’t seem to make sense out of my intention to stay this way. They say I’m too young to be this jaded (sure) but that’s not it!  I've formed so many little idiosyncracies that it would be impossible to clue some straggler into my personal world; and naïve to think that this ‘perfect person’ would want to suffer through a re-telling of my life anyway. Add that to the weariness that comes from all those failed relationship attempts and I easily tire of having to explain myself: where the fuck I went to high school, what’s my favorite color, what are you doing next Tuesday, blah blah blah…

 My question is a 3-parter

1) Is it weird to just check out like this?  Just one day say you’re done with the bullshit and mean it? I haven’t been laid by anything other than technology in so long you’d think I was nursing a raging STD, but I don’t have to go meet some fool up at the windjammer and pay for his drinks either.  I can go to my local jack-shop and pre-select whatever penis size I want.  I can throw $50 worth of fizz in the tub, lounge for an hour, then take a friend out to dinner. I can listen to all of her child/husband related bullshit and congratulate myself for being a clever bitch . No awkward first fucks, no monthly countdown for my period because your dumb ass forgot to pull out, and no random “did this assclown just give me the herps” terror. 

Also- Erasure can be played whenever I feel like it…

2) Is it healthy??  Every other aspect of my life is full and vibrant, but I worry I’ve been programmed since I was a little girl to expect an outcome that I now refuse to even consider. I can't help that I prefer my vibrator to random drunken hook-ups (the last guy pissed in my closet)  and I know I'll never find some new breed of Midtown boy who managed to make it out of the 90s disease/wife/child/addiction free. So,will I be harmed by forcing frigidity?? 

3) Why is being a single woman in her 30s such a problem? I'm not trolling for ass- where's the threat- I'm not bothering anyone!  Folks see a cute lady, unravaged by the effects of motherhood and wifedom, and automatically want to call her a lesbian or couple her up. I don't think finding Mr. Right is worth my time, (I'm pretty sure I'll find the Easter Bunny faster anyway)

Truth: No matter how cute he is now, he will turn into a beer gut with a pulse and a penchant for pork rinds. 

 I look to you doctors…

Holy fucking Jesus Christ. Your game is fucking tight. I think I just came. I think you might be the perfect woman for me (except you're about 10 years too old). I have to break your letter down on piece at a time.

I have spent many years taking a zen approach to dating, and my mantra was handed down to me by my zen master, Phil Collins. He said "I don't care anymore" on the first track from his 1982 solo debut "Hello I Must Be Going". It takes discipline, but if repeated many times the meaning of this mantra will sink in to your heart. In every other area of your life the ways to achieve what you want is to be diligent and steadfast in the pursuit of your goal EXCEPT when it comes to love. When it comes to love you have to not give a fuck if you have it or not and only then will you find it.
 You caught my attention and I've never even seen you. You might look like the mom from the Goonies, but I sure wanted to fuck your email. Here's where you rule.

1. You're not a talker? Are you really even a woman because I never met a woman that knew when to shut up. I actually think the perfect woman for me would only communicate with points, grunts and gestures. Like, she would point at my dick and then her fuckhole and grunt. I just came again thinking about it. 
You don't want to explain your idiosyncrasies, your life story or yourself in general? Amazing, because no one wants to hear that shit anyways. Unless your stories involve killing bears with a mint toothpick in the Yukon, or getting sent in to Vietnam to rescue a group of POWs like John Rambo, we just don't give a fuck. Unless your life is more interesting than mine, I don't want to hear about it. Wake me up when this amazing story about your mother's spoon collection is over and we can get to naked time. I've got shit to do.

2. You gave me a mental visual of you fucking yourself with a dildo in the bathtub.

3. You are proud of yourself for not having kids yet, instead of being one of those women who is proud that they destroyed a man's life and now he will never make anything of himself. Most women see it as a trophy when they have a man that is broken down and going to a shit job he hates everyday to make her and her gross offspring comfy.  I'm proud of you for not feeling entitled to increase the carbon footprint with loud, booger eater's just to keep up with all your loser high school friends.

4. However, you may have just given yourself away as a gay man because you listen to Erasure. you totally ruined my boner.

5.Fuck what everyone else thinks. they just want to drag you down in their misery. They see a healthy, self sufficient woman and it scares them. All these desperate motherfuckers are trying to give meaning to their lives, they're trying to be validated, but they're just sad, pathetic and weak. Keep on doing like you're doing and maybe one day you'll run in to someone who is perfectly content with themselves as well and maybe y'all can help each other get shit done, and do some really nasty fucking. There is no ideal partner. The ideal is a you that doesn't need a partner. You don't really need a Love Translator. I think you speak the language just fine.

Now, if you could just send a photo to the same email address that you posted this, full body shot please, and your phone number I'd like to contact you for a personal, one on one session. I can bring my clean bill of health from the Health Department, and you can bring along some of your dildos. We cannot however, listen to Erasure.

Holy dick,shit, and balls. This is far and above the best email that has ever been sent to us. If you were auditioning for a role as the female voice for the Translators then you have aced the test. You must be like Harper Lee or the guy that wrote the bible but with bigger titties. Well done madam, well done. 

        To start, I don't think that it is weird that you have decided to check out of the dating game. I personally hate the dating game and everything it entails. You have to listen to the same dumb fucking story over and over only with different people telling it. "Yeah, when I get out of college I'm moving to New York to work in the fashion industry (I guess being a clerk at the Gap sort of counts). You know, I'm too smart to just work, I'm going to be a writer (you know writing is harder than most jobs and usually pays dick and crackers). What's a utility bill? It's exhausting. I don't miss it at all. Moron after moron fall in your lap and you give it a shot because who knows, maybe this dipshit is different. But as it turns out they are 99% useless doucheturds that are wildly mislead about their abilities and have no clue what actual life feels like. 

        And you are correct, selling yourself fucking sucks. "I like blue, I like to paint, I have three degrees, I am a fully qualified tailor, I have played in bands for 17 years, I like animals, pizza, chicken nuggets, and movies about aliens and sharks. Not interested. Thanks." Repeat two-hundred-thousand times. The worst part about selling yourself is that often times people don't want to buy it. 

        I worked with a woman that was in her mid-fifties, had never been married, and loved it. She told me one day that the longer you live by yourself the harder it gets to live with a partner. You become particular about your shit and your routine and it is gets to the point that it isn't worth it changing your life around to accommodate some one else. So it's not a stretch to think that you are totally fine with being alone. 

        Now that I have finished blowing you I would like to point out some things that you may not be aware of. The problem with being old and spinsterish is that you never come to realization that most of your problems really don't matter. Being in a relationship allows you to put things in perspective, good or bad. Bad relationships teach you what you don't want out of life (you seem to have nailed that one) but good relationships teach you that things like personal pride and preferences need to be put aside on occasion for the greater good. An old single person will flip the fuck out when their salad comes out without the correct type of dressing. People in relationships will just ask for a new one. This is because people in relationships understand that there are more important things to worry about, like why do have to take up 82% of the fucking bed we share. Seriously, are you an albatross because when you go to sleep you suddenly develop and thirty-two foot wingspan. Also, when the toilet paper runs out you can replace it. 

       When you spend all of your time thinking about yourself you become a selfish shithead. Here's a news flash: your shit does not matter. "Why does every guy suck, why can't I find someone perfect, blahblahblah." Have you tried looking in a mirror? Maybe it's you? When you break 19,000 wine glasses it's not that people don't make things as durable as they used to, it's because you are clumsy as fuck. You can't find a good dude in Midtown Memphis? Oh no shit really? That's because all of the people in midtown that are of age and worth a shit have grown the fuck up. Try looking some where before 2:30 in the morning. 

       If you are happy get after it. None of this matters anyway. In a few billion years the sun will go red-giant and consume the Earth in fire so who gives a shit. Enjoy your cat and dildos but don't come crying to me when you are 87, break your hip and get eaten by your cats and my kids and I laugh at the story on the news. Because my kids will certainly be as big assholes as myself. Great email. Lesbo. 

Readers respond

Love Translators, 
I disagree...there is NOT a direct correlation between how good a woman gives head and her level of insanity...just saying...believe what you want, but that is NOT TRUE...(Online Dating?, March)


Well, what are you saying? Obviously I offended you personally, or you have some sort of knowledge that I don't. Either you are shithouse crazy and suck at giving head (pun intended) or you gobble cock like a porn star and are totally sane. I agree that all crazy girls don't give good head. My last girlfriend, the one that broke up with me because she said that Jesus told her to, she was no good at it. What I'm saying is that all girls that give good head are crazy. The girl that I was referring to in that blog, her whole face would turn into a vagina. It was magical.  Maybe there's something in semen that causes insanity or maybe it just takes a nutjob (pun intended) to enjoy getting fucked in the face, but I stick to my point. Give me a list of all your ex boyfriends and I'll take a survey. Or maybe I can find the names of your entire high school basketball team. They should know. I'll actually surmise by your response that you give amazing head, because truly crazy people don't know they are crazy.

 I don't recall asking for your opinion on this or any other matter we discuss here. It's not called "The Love Translators and a bunch of trollops" is it? What you are referring to is the "Freidrickson-Chou equation." Basically, Henrik Friedricksion, a German physicist and noted cocksmith, with the help of a prostitute from Siagon named Li Chou formulated this theory. What he did was kidnap (I don't know if that's the right word considering he did buy her fair and square, whatever) said prostitute and lock her in a basement. He played "Disco Duck" non-stop for eight years while once a week allowing to her to perform fellatio on him in exchange for food and a 10 minute break from the music. He found that as she gradually fell into complete and total insanity the blow jobs got exponentially more awesome. So eat shit, that was science.


Love Translators,
You said that kids are the worst STD known to man? (Mr. Pathetic, January) I have kids and I don't think of them that way. Were you both unloved as a child?


   I was just making jokes. children are wonderful bundles of love and joy. Hey, you know all that shit I love about life? Quiet, women's bodies, free time, playing music, money, ability to make selfish life choices....all that shit goes right out the window with kids. And it's never the man's fault! Everyone knows it's a scientific fact that all men are unable to resist the words "leave it in there", "fill me up, baby" and "you're cleared for landing". It's entrapment I tell you. We hear those words and we are unable to put our load in it's rightful place which is all over your boobies. Then we spend the next 18 years thinking about our dreams that will never come true. The only joy we have after that is being part of the conspiracy of parents where they tell all the single people with rad lives how amazing having kids is. And the cycle is completed. But i see right through your bullshit. Get your fucking kid away from me. People with kids should be forced to go live on a remote island away from the rest of us.

I like kids. Hell, kids are rad. The wipe snot all over stuff, they accidentally say "funny" things that if an adult said you would punch him in the stomach, and best off all they can mow the yard. Specifically we were referring to your child. Just yours. That ugly little maggot that wrecked you hooter is a little fucking antichrist. When someone says "what a cute baby" they are just trying to spare your feelings. Your child sucks. Everything about it sucks. I have my fingers crossed right now that the little fuck has progeria and it just hasn't been diagnosed yet. That would explain why your child looks like a fucking zombie-alien-donkey hybrid. Also, your kid is an idiot. He has "person who cleans the toilets at KFC" written all over his (or her) face. Your DNA is toxic and stupid. Fuck you for breeding, the last thing the world needs is more shit-heads that think throwing a bottle in a storm drain means it disappears. So, for the most part, I love every child on the face of the Earth except the little bastard that is half yours. Dick.


Love Translators,
This shit is so stupid and offensive. It pisses me the fuck off. Fuck you guys.- 
                                                                     -Drunk girl at bar


Drunk girl,
    There's this new invention. It's called jokes. It sorta makes things more fun to laugh about stuff. Maybe after all the serious, morose bullshit we have to deal with day after day I should thoughtfully write out my feelings on the serious issues affecting us today. How about the tsunami, Libya, the economy, the corporatization of America. Oh all that sounds fun as shit! whoop de fucking doo. Let's all be very fucking serious. No smiling, no laughing. We all have to go live at the Decleyre co-op and be PC vegan non offensive carebears. Or how about a little satire? Of course this is not what we're really fucking like! Do you think I would have any friends or family that gave a shit about me if I really believed anything I wrote? You know, one day I was thinking about all the relationship problems everyone I know was going through and I thought, "there's comedy in there". You want my real honest to God relationship advice, once and for all for the everlasting motherfucking record? Stop giving a shit! Stop trying! Stop trying out relationships like you try on jeans at target. Learn to like your fucking self first. Be totally fucking self centered. Learn to like your body by taking care of yourself and getting in shape. Fulfill all the stupid little dreams you ever had. Get a hobby. Make it to where you never have time to date because you are constantly trying to live the most bad ass life you can imagine. And then? boom, all the sudden people will be attracted to you. they will want to fuck the shit out of you. they will send you text videos of themselves masturbating. And why? because everyone is attracted to people that are healthy, self confidant and have a sense of self worth. Insecurity is gross. People that jump in to relationships to fill a void in their sad little souls are gross and should have rocks thrown at them. You don't fucking love anybody because you can't stand your fucking self, and if you can't how the fuck are we supposed to? Get the fuck out of my face, I've got shit to do I ain't got time for you bitches....wait, what's that sound I hear as I lie down on my bed? Nothing! I don't hear anyone telling me about their opinions and problems! My life is so rad. I'm going to give my dick a high five about 100 times and then clean up with a sock. Sure beats having to talk to you....

Certain things we do could be considered offensive if you are a total fuck-head. You are what is wrong with America. Example: people blaming their bastard child lighting the trailer on fire because of Bevis and Butthead. We do not force our super-awesome wisdom and knowledge on anyone. Hell, we give this shit away for free. This is the most valuable thing anyone will ever give you in the dumpster fire you call a life. If you don't like the free advice we give out turn off your computer and go on with your life. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. It's like the time I went to the video booth at the porn store on Summer. There are 800 or so channels. It starts off at "1" like this. Handjobs then blowjobs then sex then anal then multiple folks fuckin then orgy stuff then, out of nowhere, a guy shoving a spray paint can up another guys ass. That was at about channel 32. From there it got progressively worse. Midgets, ball torture, etc. So you know what I did, I left the booth. Walked away and said "Not for me." That's it. I didn't write an impassioned editorial in the Flyer saying "I wan't to jack off to some good ol' clean American porn and then there's this guy blowing a Grizzly Bear. It ruined my boner and lost me five dollars. Harumph I say, Harumph!!!" Why, because I am a logical human being. When a television show like American Idol comes on I don't suffer through it in rage and disgust, I change the goddamn channel. Assuming you have both of your hands and >30% of your brain then you can also use this approach to not read or view things that offend you. Don't read this, I don't care. Also, who gets offended any more. Isn't that what people do when they don't have real problems? I gave up getting offended with zines and veganism. Basically I grew up and realized that if some one has an opinion that is different from mine they are just stupid and wrong because everything I believe, say, or do is right-the-fuck-on. But, am I going to let a chick with armpit hair ruin my day? Nope. Fuck that chick. I'm just going to enjoy a Hot Pocket and drug the hippy and shave her gross pits while she sleeps and debate touching her a little bit. So, if you want to get offended move to Olympia with all the other PC nazis. I would like to conclude by quoting one of the greatest bands of the 1990's, E.B.S, or "every body sucks." "Fuck off you p.c. bastards, fuck you and your hippy shit." If you finished reading this entire post then it's your fault, you could have turned it off. The buttons up there in the right corner. Just click it. Remember kids, it's all in fun.

Online dating?

What are you guys' thoughts on online dating?




       My thoughts on online dating are conflicted. The internet is a remarkable resource. Information is easy to access, plentiful, and cheap. The problem with the internet is that anyone can put anything up. Here is a great example: Wikipedia. Ask anyone you know that is a teacher and they will tell you that it is boarder-line impossible to get modern students to stop using Wikipedia as a source when doing research. This is because Wikipedia can be manipulated by anyone at any time. The information on the internet is almost always false with one of the only notable exceptions being this blog. All truth, all the time. That being said we should discuss the pros and cons of looking for love (or lovin') on the world wide web.
      Let's start with pros. As I understand it, the internet is a well spring of never ending poon or peen depending on your preference. Sites like Plenty of Fish, eharmony, etc provide an endless line of people who are looking for action. Shit, there is even a dating website devoted solely to having affairs if you are already in a relationship. They took the biggest bar in the world, put it on a website and let you scroll through prospective partners in a safe environment. I personally know people who have had massive amounts of success in the on-line world both in marriage and just getting some naked time. There has to be something there. But, as a fundamentally negative person who believes that everything is stupid I would like to spend a little more time focusing on the negative aspects of this stupid activity.
     Teachers hate when kids use Wikipedia as a source because the information is not reliable. This applies to online dating. People can completely invent a persona that is utterly false to portray themselves as something they are not. This may sound like a plus. You could say you are rice, have a ten inch dick, or any number of things but eventually the goal is too meet some one face to face in the actual world. What happens when the 5'10, 120 pound knock out you've been chatting with shows up for your date and is 4'8 and 190? What then? You've already order a beer and some cheese sticks and now you are stuck talking to the mother from "What's eating Gilbert Grape." "Oh that, that photo was from high school, after I had my fifth child I really grew into myself." "Excuse me miss, but I think you grew into six people that were standing by you at the bus stop as well. No biggie, just finish the cheese sticks, I know you want them, and enjoy your eventual heart attack." You think this is far from the truth? Think again. This kind of shit happens all the time. "Awesome, you left out the fact that you have a sixth finger on your left hand." "Great, I didn't realize you have the hoobastank logo tattooed on your forehead, how unique." "Fantastic, you have a conjoined twin." Get the idea? What you see is not necessarily what you get.
       Crazy and socially inept people lurk on the internet at every turn. The "safe" part of the internet also allows fucking nut-bags to prey on normal human beings. In the past, when you meet a person face to face, you could figure out in a fairly short amount of time if they were batshit or not but the internet takes that out of the equation. You can not convey tone in an email. Have many times have you recieved an email from someone and thought that they were being dickish or short only to find out later that there intentions were different? Some one can come across like a princess on the web but in the real world they are into cutting themselves to forget what daddy did to them. All you talk about on the internet is what you like. "Do you like movies, I like movies. Do you like the park, I like the park." Do you ever say "Do you wake up in the middle of the night crying because you are fucking insane?" Doubtful. Also, many people use internet dating because they are physically unable to communicate with another person on an actual level. They are awkward, weird, scarred of contact, and generally incapable of meeting some one face to face so the use the comfortable anonymity of the internet to do the work. It is very unlikely that you will meet some one and after working on them for eight hours of drinks and have them stab you while you sleep. If your communication is limited to three emails and a movie then your chances drastically increase.
      The internet also completely eliminates the drunk factor. You are probably not going to meet a drunk chick on the internet and arrange a meeting at that exact moment. You can do that in the real world. A drunk chick that is a nine will bang a three if she is in the right mood or really, really drunk. Booze is the great equalizer and it is useless on the internet. It even has the exact opposite result. How mant times have you gotten drunk and just emailed some chick on facebook your phone number thinking you are all sly and shit. "Give me a call if you want." Idiot.
       The real world is called that because it's fucking REAL. It exists. Meeting some one face to face is a time honored tradition that has worked for thousands of years so why change. But, if you are just trying to hit it then quit it I imagine it's a wonderful resource to lure in desperate, sad creatures that are attached to warm genitals. Just be warned. When some crazy person you penetrated shows up at your house at 3:45 on a Tuesday because "you are the one and her fifth grade teacher molested her" don't say I didn't warn you. Stick to porn and video games. You can always find willing people in the real world.





I'm all about it. I hate talking to people because no one can ever keep up with my amazing brain. Trolling for ass at a bar requires me to enter in to conversations with every manner of drunk troglodite. Also, I will rarely just spark up a random convo with a woman, because of women's favorite word they like to throw around: "creepy". Women call everyfucking thing creepy nowadays. If you open a door for a woman like your good southern mama tought you, you're being creepy. If you try and dance with a girl on a crowded dancefloor, you're being creepy. Good job, ladies. By throwing that word around all the time you've made all the gentlemen too nervous to want to talk to you for fear of being called a creep and now the only men that WILL talk to you ARE creeps because they don't give a fuck what you think. So if you ever wonder why good guys never approach you, there you have it.
   I love internet dating. Now instead of having to talk to you for hours to find out that you like Nickleback, faeries and write poetry (all things that will make me get up and walk right out the fucking door) I can just read that shit right on your profile. Online dating has lost much of the stigma attached to it. Plenty of relationships/ hookups nowadays begin on line. Yes, we have become that fucking lazy. Or maybe we're just really good at multitasking. Right now I am simultaneously writing this, checking my stocks, checking the weather for this week, visiting the Time Barbarians imdb page, and trolling for someone to fuck. But my experiences with online dating have been hit or miss. I will list a few of them here for you and you can decide.

1. Talkatron 9000- Started out great. She looked kinda cute from her pictures, but angles make all the difference, people. Always get a full body shot. We got along famously chatting on IM, but when we met for drinks at the bar she looked like a water buffalo and I could not get a word in edgewise. This woman was a marathon conversationalist. I was exhausted. I would have just gone home, but she bought all my food and drinks, so I felt obligated to bone the living shit out of her. Hey, I'm not selfish. I'm a good fucking date.You shouldn't  even go on a date unless you're willing to give the person an orgasm. If you're not, you're a gold digging, self important shithead that is so delusional that you think you're so special and people enjoy your company. Everybody just wants a nut and a nap. Are you still here?

2. Expiration date: Imminent. Totally fucking insane- This girl had a body like the women in those old paintings done back when food was scarce and thick people were attractive because, well you wanted to hang out with the motherfucker that had some food. Now, i love me some real women with curves, thick like Texas toast. This girl had an amazing body, but she should have an expiration date tattooed across her belly. Especially if she gets pregnant, it's all fucking over with. But she was a freak in the sack and gave the best head I ever experienced. I think there is a direct correlation between how good a woman gives head and her level of insanity. Our last date went something like this. I will refer to her as "Shithouse rat".
Shithouse rat: "I wanna come over. I baked you cheesecake brownies."
Me: "OK".
Shithouse rat: "We're not going to fuck, though. I'm practicing celibacy".
Me: "OK"

Of course she comes over and then jumps on me. Afterwards she cried and said I make her a bad person.
Me: "Thanks for the brownies. Get the fuck out of my house."

She called me once a week for the next year, drunk and crying at 3am, telling me she loved me. Those were good brownies.

3. G.I. Jane- I actually liked this one but our last conversation went like this.

G.I. Jane- "I'm enlisting in the military."
Me- "Why? That's stupid."
GI Jane- "Because I want to learn job skills and I'm sick of waiting tables."
Me- "But you may have to kill people you don't know just because someone tells you to."
GI Jane- "Beats waiting tables."
Me- "Get the fuck out."

You see, I like my women literate and intelligent with more than a fifth grade understanding of American History and global politics. Nationalism is never sexy. Chicks that are into America are most likely into Jesus and therefore, pro life. I'd rather fuck the dumpster behind an abortion clinic than a pro lifer, even if she does look like Bristol Palin. And if you aren't imaginative enough to think of something to do with you life other that be a stooge for America, well you probably also like Tobey Keith and NASCAR.

Well, I guess I didn't make a very good case for internet dating. But that sure was a fun trip down memory lane, wasn't it? However, good or bad, at least I'm dating, while you are going to jerk off to youporn again tonight and then cry yourself to sleep. Or, if you're a women, you'll cry yourself to sleep in the bathtub with a pint of Ben and Jerry's (chunky monkey) after you finished your hundredth Danielle Steel novel and you will drown and all your cats will have to eat your disgusting dead, flabby flesh to keep from starving and they will find you in a week, half eaten by Chairman Meow and Sarah Jessica Pouncer.

Remember, it's spring time! The sap is rising! Love is in the air!

breaking up is hard to do....

Dear Love Translators, 
                 I've never been good at ending relationships. I need to get out of my current situation and wanted some advice on how to do it. 




       Breaking up sucks. There is no way to do it without someone getting hurt. You have to enter into a break up situation with that in mind. Many people stick in miserable relationships because they don't want to break up but this is a mistake. You are always going to be a dick if you are the one doing the breaking up. If you wait for a long enough time hoping shit will get better then you are going to wake up 65 and married to a person you can't stand. So, find solace in your inner-asshole. Take him into your arms like a fuzzy little puppy and keep him warm, he is your friend. After you make the decision that your life is more important than some one else's feelings you can proceed. Here are a few strategies that have worked for me in the past.
       Complete and total severance of all ties immediately. This means no talking, hanging out, emailing, no contact what so ever. The best thing about this strategy is that you can do this any time. Just cut ties completely. Go out on a date Friday, then on Saturday morning act like the person doesn't exist. You will have two or three days of grace where the other person will just think you are busy or something before they try to get in touch with you. When they finally do call just answer the phone and say "who is this?" When they say their name just say "I think you have the wrong number" and hang up. They'll call back but just keep it up, eventually they will just go away. If they decide to come over do things like ask them who they are looking for or talk to them through a closed door. You must completely commit to this strategy for success. If done properly, you will successfully confuse the shit out of your, until recently, significant other and they will leave you alone.
       Change your personality immediately, for the worse. Start acting like a complete shithead. Start telling her she's fat or he has a tiny dick. Steal from them, preferably money but electronics and furniture will work. Hell, get creative with it. Steal their pet. Start smoking crack or doing massive amounts of pills. Basically anything to turn them away from you. Quit your job, buy a shitty acoustic guitar, and tell them that you have decided to become a singer-songwriter. Then when they start getting uppity about your super-rad life choice scream that they are crushing your dreams. Get up in the middle of the night and take a shit in their underwear drawer and then feign ignorance the next day. "Why would I shit in your underwear drawer, I'm not a fucking monkey, you must have done it in your sleep you fucking drunk." Start saying things like "I always wanted to fuck your friend Charles" or "I remember when I used to let that guy cum in my mouth" if you are a lady or "Shit you have huge legs" or "that girls pussy smells like butterscotch" if you are a guy. Just rolling your eyes and sighing "fuck" whenever they walk into a room is a nice touch. If you do this correctly they will break up with you. Then you can act like a victim and gets massive amounts of sympathy booty.
       Either of these strategies works nicely. Maybe you are one of those "we can still be friends" people. If you are then you are a fool. Here's what that means from either side. Man: "I really want to go fuck other chicks, specifically, other chicks that are not you. But, I would like to keep you around in case it's really late at night and I got shot down by every other chick at the bar and desperately have to fuck something." Female: "I am sick of you and your penis but I want to keep you around so you can watch me fuck all of your friends. Also, I want you to know what dirty shit I'm doing for them that I would never do for you." Every man falls for this at least once. Staying friends is a dream and a stupid one at that. After a few years it is possible to be "friends" but beware. If you are in a relationship your other will always be distrustful of the "friend." They should be, that person has seen you naked and every time they see you they are thinking about the time you guys fucked. Fact. Here's the best part, you ready, being a "freinds" person actually makes you an asshole. Why would you want to subject your partner to this situation: "Friday we're going out with some one who has had their dick in my mouth!" or "You want to go see a movie with this chick I talked in to getting an abortion?" How's that for truth in advertising?
       Feel better? Can we still be friends?

Here's my favorite ways:
1. Text message break up. This is the classiest way to break up with someone. Let's face it. Nothing looks grosser and makes my penis more soft than someone crying. I actually read an article in ScienceNow that there is a chemical in women's tears that turns men off. Think I'm joking? http://news.sciencemag.org/sciencenow/2011/01/a-womans-tears-the-anti-viagra.html?ref=hp

Yeah, get that crying shit out of my face. do that shit in the bathroom where you do all the other gross shit. I'd rather have you vomit on my dick like you did that time at the drive in. I never did get to see the end of Snakes on a Plane and have never been able to enjoy nachos since. Seriously, though, in this age of technology if you know the shit ain't workin, why drag it out? One text, boom. gone. No sorry ass "conversation" about how we "feel" about it. Message sent. Message received. Stop fucking calling me.

2. Direct approach. If you want to keep it civil, just be forward and honest. Don't beat around the bush or mince words. My favorite thing to say is "I respect you, I just don't like you". or "I'm embarrassed to bring you around my friends and family". Even more direct is "You're so fucking annoying that I just want to smash my own face with a hammer whenever I'm around you".

3. Restraining order.

4. Just change your Facebook status. They'll figure it out soon enough.

5. Finding the right moment. Sometimes finding the best time and place will soften the blow. How about while you are both strapped in a roller coaster, right when you go around that third loop upside down? You can make an analogy about how this is what your relationships is like. How about on the way to her sister's wedding? Seeing evidence that true love does exist in the world should make her feel optimistic about the whole thing. Ladies, how about right when the baby comes out and it doesn't look anything like him?

6. Pack up all your shit and move out while they are at work. Leave a note that says "I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel".

   But it's important to remember, just like in the job market, never quit your current job until you have another one lined up. You're a fucking ugly, fat loser and will probably have trouble finding anyone that will want to fuck you or be around you for any period of time. You're also fucking stupid for asking that question. Why does anyone have to ask? Getting broken up with is the coolest thing ever. It's a free pass to go fuck other people. Oh really? You mean I don't have to have any more movie nights? I don't have to spend money at anymore froofy fucking restaraunts? I can eat Cheetos in bed with the dog and don't have to leave the faucet running while i take the loudest, most explosive shit known to man? I don't have to listen to your problems anymore? Being single is rad. Breaking up with someone is like showing them a portal to Narnia, where you can eat Turkish delight and hang out with magical creatures. And fuck them. I'm out.