one too many?

Dear Love Translators,
        I have been on five or six dates with this girl and she still hasn't had sex with me. How long should I wait before I either make a move or give up? 








Dear asshole, instead of directly answering your stupid question with a number I would like to propose an alternate idea. All you need is a clean pair of socks, a little free time, and a in-depth understanding of theoretical quantum physics. Here's what you do: figure out how to successfully create and maintain a wormhole in the fabric of the space-time continuum, build a time machine that allows to travel through this wormhole back in time, and travel back to the bible study group or speed-dating group where you met this cooze and do not ask her out.
         Five or six dates? Really? What the fuck is wrong with you? How many times do you have to hear a woman talk about her dedication to jesus to realize that you are not getting laid? Let me guess, she has five or more cats and you've heard tons of stories about the CRAZY shit they do. "Oh wow, no kidding, Fluffy McKittenPaws made a weird face at you when you gave him Meow Mix instead of Iams? And then Meowa Angelu put her paws on your face when you were trying to kiss her on the nose!? What a nutty Saturday!" At what part in that date did you think "tonight is the night." How many times have you guys played Scattegories? My guess is six. Well that is six times too many. There has never been a game of Scattegories that lead to sex ever. "Yeah man, so the letter Q came up and we were all like "no way, Q, what word starts with Q?" so then I said "I know a word that starts with Q." and then she said "what word." then I said "assplay" and then banged the shit out of her."
         Here are some hints that you could use in the future to avoid these kind of situations. (1) Avoid a woman with a strong male role model in her life. Whether it be father, step-father, brother, uncle, anything male really. You want a woman that hates every man in a position to influence her outlook on the world. Pure gold. (2) If she owns a stuffed animal of any kind. If she is an adult and owns a stuffed animal you are waking up with pain in your ballnuts. And besides, you think it's weird to get naked in front of a real dog, try having sex with Mr. Bunbunny staring at you with it's cold, dead eyes. (3) If she owns more than ten books. Out of those ten that are allowed a majority MUST be either twilight, Madonna coffee table books, or Cosmopolitan anthologies about "pleasing your man." Titles to avoid are anything without pictures, anything considered literature, philosophy, science,  or female empowerment of any kind. (4) A vibrator. This one is counter-intiuitive. What you are looking for is a woman who compulsively engages in sex without joy or pleasure, i.e., nymphomaniac. You want to catch her right when her issues are taking hold but before she gets into porn or cocaine. (5) Opinions other than what other women look like. If she knows anything about politics or current events you should write her off as a lesbian and tell her to go back to Lilith Fair with the other girls that don't shave their pits.
          So, if your first date is at Applesbee's and she asks you what "god's plan" is for you, you may want to re-think your options. It's hard out there but keep you chin up little guy, this is Memphis. As long as the Hi-Tone, the P&H, and the Buccaneer are open, you have a chance. If you are really getting desperate just go to a Memphis Collage of Art gathering. There you can hit the "get laid" trifecta: misguided belief that they are deep and ultra-intellegent, the idea that they are progressive and cutting-edge, yet no real knowledge of anything, ever, period. WIN-WIN-WIN. Or an "actress" that still waits tables at 36, same thing. Fish in a barrel kid. Did that answer your question? No. Well fuck you then, I could have spent this time watching sportscenter. Prick.


That shit is sexy, dawg. I love church girls. I guarantee you she's a freak. When the day finally comes she's gonna put on a Ronald McDonald outfit and stick a carrot up your ass. Personally, I love when women make me wait. It's fine. No, we can wait as long as you want. Because my sexifiaction is all spiritualated. I am like the wind and water, slowly eroding stone over eons. No, we don't have to do it now. We can take as much time as you need. But I'm gonna make you want to. Hold on, let me put on some music...

There...isn't that better? Lemme just turn these lights down. Oh yes, light these candles. Let's take a shower. Shower together. I'll wash your body, you wash mine. Rub me down with some hot oils baby, and I'll do the same thing to you. I'm laying you down on the rug by the fire and feeding you grapes and fine cheeses and cornish game hen. We have just had too much wine. Lemme tell you all about yourself, girl. Wit'cha whole body all BLAM comin out the back like that. ooh, I gotta rub you down.Ooh and then all comin out the front all BLAMMO just so soft and big. And your whole brains and lemme just tell you all about' cher face...like an angel an shit. You take care of yourself, girl. Yous a bad bitch. I just gotta let you know, I'm feelin our souls all interminglin an shit. It's like we knew each other in a past life. Our souls have known eachother for eternity, probably. Just relax and let me just put my mouth all down here and stuff.......mmmmf.mm-fffmmmmmmmm(undecipherable)

All backed up...

My live in girlfriend discovered that I sometimes look at porn on my computer when she's not home. She says it's the same as cheating because I'm fantasizing about another woman. She says if I continue, she will leave me. What should I do?
                                          
       Thoughts are just thoughts. How is thinking about another woman cheating? Is thinking about a hot dog eating? If I think about work will I get paid? No and no. I am currently doing both yet I have no hot dog in my tummy and no money in my pocket. Thoughts are not action nor are they fact, they are just thoughts. The problem is with porn. When I was a young man porn was taboo. It was hard to find. You had to search that shit out. Most dudes had a VHS tape or stack of mags hidden some where. It was great because it was forbidden and dirty. These days there is too much porn. Have you ever been in a porn store. It is quite possibly one of the grossest places in the universe. The workers are always creepy as shit or have tattoos on their faces. Don't even think about going to the booths. The floors have what I pray to god is honey all over them and if you can't enjoy some "alone time" at home then just eat a candy bar or something.
        Now, 98% of the internet is porn. It has no taboo any more. Do I occasionally watch porn, sure. Do I feel weird and creepy every time, probably. Now, if you are enjoying five to ten minutes of porn every now and then what's the big deal. You are probably free, 21, and American so get after it. Are you (A) watching porn but not masturbating? Like actually watching the movie for the "plot." (B) Not having sex with your girlfriend because you are watching porn? (C) Actually convincing yourself that the shit in porn is how life should be? (D) Watching anything made in Germany or Japan and not because it's funny? If any of those apply to you then you are the problem.
       I would like to address these individually. (A) you are allowed to watch 5 to 10 minutes of porn without being a creep. Exceptions are: hanging out with a bunch of dudes drinking beer and making fun of it and research for a dissertation or something (why you are researching porn is another can of crazy but whatever). (B) really dude, real sex versus a keyboard. should explain itself. (C) Stop it. I delivered pizza. Never once did I go up to a house where there was a naked slumber party going on with practice make-out sessions and have them say "I crave your man-love." Also, lesbians are not interested in you, that's why they are called LESBIANS. (D) just nasty. just wrong, nasty and foul. like garbage juice or "Friends."
      If none of these apply then it is your woman. She needs to lighten the fuck up and realize that porn is not cheating. Have you tried explaining that you are a man and that shit is gonna happen sometimes, it's physics. Or, did you know that there is a history tab on your web browser? You can use that to delete sites you have visited you idiot. That way, you watch a little naughty and she doesn't have to see it. Everyone wins.
P.S. If you have a child that grows up to be in porn you have failed.
P.P.S. Those videos where they "just meet some chick on the street" or "pay the maid to clean topless but it leads to sex" are bullshit. You know that right? In the real world that's called sexual assault.



OK, fine. But she has to get rid of all her "women porn". Toss those fucking Twilight books and movies. Rip that detachable shower head out. Find her drawer of vibrators and toss that shit out too.
  See, guys and girls are wired differently. We get turned on visually. Women get turned on by these things called "feelings". We just wanna look at it an smell it. They want to think about it and play this weird game with it and make it all complicated an shit. She should be happy you're dropping your load at home and not walking around everywhere with a loaded gun. In fact, you're the only one doing anything constructive in the relationship and she's being an overbearing Controlly Mcghee Mega Bitchface 8000. Doesn't she know that semen backed up in your system causes pimples? That's what pimple juice is. Backed up semen. Bullshit, it is. That shit is science, dawg. I've got degrees. Why do you think nerds are stereotypically pimply? And also, the more often you blow your wad the longer you can last in bed. So you're trying to improve your sex life too, and she's being Heinous Cuntbucket ControlTzar 9Billion. No wait, I got it. Tell her this. When sperm get too old, they get weaker. The more you ejaculate, the more new, fresh sperm cells are produced and the more likely the woman is to get pregnant. Tell her, you're trying to make your sperm more potent because you want to have a baby with her because she's your Super Special HoneyBear Face 2500 and you want to be linked with her for eternity. You can be her sparkly vampire for a lifetime of sullen brooding and pensive emotional expression. That ought to scare her away... If she doesn't like that, then tell her that if she was a giant robot from outer space her name would be Cuntron the Complaininator and Destroyer of Good Times.
                           

Pole position.

Dear Love Translators, 
                   What is the best sexual position for a girl to get off? 
                                                                                        
Any position that has long discussion about feelings. Any position where the man is sullen and brooding and may be a sparkly vampire. Any position that involves dinner at the Sizzler, followed by chocolate cheesecake ice cream brownies. Any position that involves you listening to her drone on about that bitch at work. Any position that allows her to bring home every lost fucking kitten in a 12 mile radius. Any position that defies all logic. Any position that involves buying shoes. Any position that sucks the soul out of you. Any position that involves you both watching Breakfast at Tiffany's or the Notebook for the umpteenth time. Reverse cowgirl.











Probably the one where you are on one knee with a ring in your hand. That works really well. Honestly that's not the best question for a dude. If you really want to know that answer you would have to ask a woman. I can tell you that for a man it really doesn't matter. I once got off when I sat down awkwardly on my nuts. The real mystery here is why would you ask us that question? Have you tried asking the person what they enjoy? I find the best way to do that is to kick open the bathroom door while a random woman I don't know is trying to pee and scream directly in her face "HOW DO YOU ENJOY SEXING!!!!!" Relationships are all about communication. Like the other day I asked this random woman if she wanted watch a movie and she said "you ruined my fucking life." And then a week ago I asked her where she keeps the spare batteries and said "I wish you had balls like my last boyfriend." But that's just how we are, we communicate. As far I am concerned there is only one sexual position and it is extremely quick and ends with an hour of crying in the shower but I'm a traditionalist. If you really want to get to the bottom of this mystery then go to any of the six million free porn sites on the internet and do a little research. The way I understand it, pornography is exactly like real life sex. A quick google search showed me that something called "fisting" is very popular so why not give that a throw. Good luck and I hope you know that you are living in sin.

good choices are hard to make.

Dear Love Translators
 I recently went home in the a.m. might i add with this chick. Things started to get to the point when she says she has something to tell me. She then says she has a std of the herp variation. I was nice about the situation but regretfully informed her that nope not gonna happen. You know i thought maybe she would at least jerk me off or something but nothing then she the next day talked shit saying im fat and stuff. Because of my choice what do you masters of the love think??? 
                   Signed .. I can lose weight, but you will always have the herp


For the most part I believe you made the correct decision in every way. Now, some people might have not been as generous as this strumpet about letting you know so kudos to you infectotron 4000, way to herp up. You know, it's fucked up that there are people out there who tell another that they have herpes and then still get fucked. Love rarely lasts forever. Sure, you may love them (or just really really really want to fuck them) right now but what's tomorrow going to bring. Hell, best case scenario is you fall in love and live your lives and then she ups and fucking dies on you and then you have to finish your golden years taking budget ass Valtrex brands because that's all medicare will cover. Then at some point you go into a nursing home and some 22 year old shithead who is just working there to support his drug habit starts stealing it because he, like you, made a horrible choice. Then you live out your final days watching daytime television with sores or your dick. What's even worse is people out there don't tell others. I honestly believe that you should be able to legally murder some one who does not tell you shit like that. No kidding. That is the worse possible thing you can do to another human being. Here's how I would have handled the situation. (Chick) "Ummm, I have something to tell you, I have herpes." (Me) "In your mouth?" (Chick) "Yes, there too." (Me) "What about in-between your boobies?" (Chick) "You can't get them there." (Me) "Well then I figured out how we can spend our evening. Let's watch Benjamin Button and then I'll titty-fuck you back to Switzerland. Also, I don't own Benjamin Button." (Chick) "Well that's really inconsiderate, what about my feelings." (Me) "Get the fuck out." If you are one of those who has been unfortunately herped upon then you should never even let it get out of the bar. Just be open with that information and every one's life is a little easier. You don't have to deal with a person jumping up and down screaming "dodged a bullet there, thank you lord, thank you lord!" at 3 A.M. and they don't have to get excited about the sex that they won't be having. "But what if I really like someone and am just too afraid to tell them because they might not like me anymore." Death. "Well then how am I going to meet people?" Try H-date.com. Herpes dating sight. Everybody wins. Now, if the person with the herp told you and you fucked them any way that shit is on you. If you went to a used car lot and the salesman said "she's a great car and cheap but driving it will put sores on your dick FOREVER" and you still bought it because it looked great at that moment then you are an idiot.  Truth is, that shit is horrible and I feel heart-felt sorrow for any one with it. But with great herps comes great responsibility and you have to embrace that. Fatty-fatty-no-friend's lady did so good for her. Her making fun of you because you are overweight should not really bother you at all. You are, in fact, a great big fat bastard but at least you never have to say "I have something to tell you." Or if you do it will be followed by "I'm having a heart attack because I am fat, disgusting piece of shit." I will forever and hence forth think of you as Neo because you sir can dodge a bullet. Well done. Now go enjoy another box of Butterfingers and your herpless dick, the best gift ever. 




There is nothing on earth that scares me more than the "red badge of courage" or the "gift that keeps on giving". Every time I pee I bend over and inspect every inch of my dick and pray to the gods that for one more day my most prized possession is healthy. You made a great choice, fat ass. If you had fucked her you may have been in for a bumpy ride.
   Although admirable that she told you, and didn't just let you go to town she is still a heinous bitch who deserves her affliction. You guys should never have made it into the bedroom before that information was divulged. She was counting on the fact that you were drunk and desperate and probably would strap on a rubber and go to town anyways. Most people would, because most people ARE desperate and think that sex is the end-all-be-all of human experience. Desperation is actually the leading cause of STDs, pregnancies, marriages, late night drunken texts and fat people getting laid. Desperation is caused by insecurity which is caused by the fact that you're a fucking ugly, fat loser. I digress. Rubbers break or slip off, and sometimes you can get infected from contact with the general area. One time a I had a rubber slip off me and I hammered it so far up there it took her two weeks to find it. She eventually pooped it out.
   I can't believe she didn't jerk you off. She's willing to give you a disease that will last for the rest of your life, but not willing to give you an old fashioned for 15 minutes? There's a whole slew of other naughty things you could have done that didn't involve penetration. Like dressing up in Starfleet commander uniforms and masturbating at each other from across the room.
   Did you know that one out of 5 people in the U.S. are infected with genital herpes? That's one in 3 in midtown and one in 2 if you hang out at the P and H. The good thing is that with modern medicine you can still go mountain biking and roller blading and rock climbing like they do in the commercials. I used to hate it when I would rock climb before and my blisters would break open on a rocky outcropping, soaking my shorts in blood and dick chud. Oh wait, did I just say me? No, I meant this guy that I know. He hates that shit.
   All I know is that personally, I never want to have that conversation that she had with you. But it could easily happen to any of us. Why don't they ever do any "race for the cure" 5ks for herpe victims? All I know is that I love raw doggin, and one day I want to meet somebody and after both of our test results come back negative, raw dog the shit out of them into the sunset.

????????

Dear Love Translators, 
                   What the fuck is wrong with you guys? 
                                                                  Signed, 
                                                                           Concerned American


Well Mr. or Mrs. American, let me tell you what the fuck is wrong with me. America, that's what the fuck is wrong with me. See, I'm not down with all this shit. I was down with native America and you had to fuck it all up with your rules and your trash blowing everywhere making us cry an shit. I want to go back to the old ways. Folks used to be all walking around this motherfucker naked, smoking weed and shit. Yeah, we fought sometimes, but it was with tomahawks and shit. We didn't sit back, eating flaming hot cheetos punching in coordinates to send a missile to. To scalp somebody, you really had to get in on the action. That's when men were men.
   There are those that call me a sexist. Nothing could be further from the truth. in the old days, there was no concept of "people as property". The whole tribe was a family and one could have many husbands or wives. There was no jealousy. Also, women were tribal leaders. I'm down with that. I don't even care about all this boring "tribal council" shit, I just want to go kill something. Women, y'all work it out. we trust you. We're gonna go hunt buffalo with some sharp sticks because we're real fucking men, not some overweight mouthbreather in a deer stand with an orange vest on checking his facebook on his iphone till a deer walks by.
   Yeah, I look around at all the sad, flabby, needy, disgusting, weak people and it makes me want to vomit, so I have to make myself laugh with heavy sarcasm and verbally raping idiots like yourself. I really just want to share my zen with you all. "one moon shows in every pool, in every pool the one moon". meditate on that, bitch.

Pay attention "Concerned Asshole" because there is nothing wrong with me. Period. I am pretty much the ideal, twenty-first century bad-ass. Did you know that everything I say or write immediately goes into a database at the library of congress so future generations can learn from my awesomeness. Seriously, there is a government made computer chip in my vocal chords that digitally encodes every single word I say and documents it for posterity. If you type in "super radical" in google you get a picture of me killing a grizzly bear with a spork. How badass is this fucker: the other day, just a typical monday, I came home from work and this random woman was all "would you rather have veggie pot pie or baked ziti" and I was all "veggie pot pie girl!" So she made it and we ate. We talked about some punk motherfucker at her work that was gettin' all up in her shit and I was like "man, fuck that bitch." And then she was like "yeah, fuck that bitch." Then we watched the last half of Inception and went to bed fool. Like 10:30 or 11:00 or some shit. I spooned the fuck out of this random woman all Gnomeo and Juliet style. Yeah that's right, Gnomeo and Juliet. I gots an advanced screening of that joint because Dreamworks was all "Man, you fucking know everything. Check this out and tell us want you think." I watched it and was like "this shit is the bomb! Quite possibly the dopest movie ever made. Right behind the latest piece Jennifer Anniston dropped." And then, last week, this dude at the store was all like "man can I get some change?" So I reached in my baller-ass pocket and gave him 37 cents. Just like that. Droppin' 37 cents like that shit is worth nothin'. Just take it you grizzly bastard. I told him to keep that quarter in his pocket because everything I touch has magical powers. Seriously, if I fart and you are in the resultant cloud you will be like "damn that shit stinks!" And I'll be all "yeah fuckstick, I made that shit." Congratulations bitch, now you can see the future. And what do you see? Me standing on a pile of waffles and money lookin' powerful as fuck. Did you know I can sew? I just take fabric and make my random woman dresses for Christmas and shit. Just like that. Fabric+Me=Dress. BOOM! ALL UP ON IT SON! GET SOME!!! So if you come at me with that bullshit again you might get stabbed. Provided I'm not mowing my lawn or watching Law and Order with my wife. What now bitch. Call before you come. We also play Scrabble sometimes and no man wants to interrupt my Scrabble time. Also, my random woman hates it when people drop by unannounced. Other than that bring it shithead. It will be the last mistake you ever make. I am solid gold dinosaur turds fuckface.

Threesome

Love Translators,


   I wanna have a threesome with my girlfriend and another chick, but she won't say yes unless I agree to one with another dude. Since that is gay and she knows I would never agree to such a thing, this is her clever way of saying no. I need to know the best approach to talk her into a threesome with another chick.


  


  First, is the dude's dick bigger than yours or shaped like a long talk about feelings and the future? If so, failure. If not give it a throw. Just look that little one-eyed bastard in the eyes and say: "I'm better than you Mr. Wiener. Where you fail, I will succeed. Two wangs enter, one wang leaves. SPIN THE WHEEL RAGGITY MAN!" As these words are being typed I asked myself, "Would I do that?" The answer is a resounding fuck-to-the-no. The minute some other dude slapped my woman on the ass and said "frankenberry" I would be wearing his colon as a hat, violently. I am pretty sure that three-ways only work in porn. When you have enough cocaine and viagra in your system to keep China thumping for the next hundred years it's easy to handle two ladies but in the real world of actual sex you might as well try to get a squirrel to bring you some cool ranch Doritos. You see, finding one clitoris is hard enough. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's a myth. Like unicorns or democracy, it just doesn't exist. If there really was a god that was loving and caring there would be a great big bulls-eye on that bastard and a neon sign that said "punish me." Last time I checked that was not the case. That is, of course, if assume that god is all about the ladies gettin' theirs which, as a devout scientologist, I'm pretty sure he doesn't. If the great lord Zarthanustista wanted ladies to enjoy sex he wouldn't have made them on the third level of Karthasturonica right? If your lady is willing to let you bang some other chick it only seems fair that you let her taste the sausage from another beau. How about you learn how to sextify (combination of mystify and sex) one woman before you double down. If you jump in too quick all you succeed in doing is gaining a story about how this one time you disappointed two women at once. It's best put this way: give me one person and I will give you the perfect human, give me two and I will give you a loving relationship, give me three and I will say: "get your dick away from my property or I will feed it to a polar bear." By property I mean loving partner. Think about it, do you really want your buddy Chet's semen in your hair. Your hair, not some stranger. You've worked hard on that faux-hawk. Keep that shit tight. All praise to Zarthanustista bitches.


Hold up there, Sparky! Let's talk about this! It's obvious since you are asking that you are unsatisfied. You want to bring some variety into your miserable sex life. Let me guess, you and your girlfreind have been dating for three years now? That's about the time where you both start watching tv and smoking cigarettes while you fuck. You've traversed every inch of your lady and now you want to "spice things up" with another woman. Yet, your homophobia is standing in your way of glory. Let me tell you something sir, you just gave yourself away. I have infallible gaydar. You are trying to affirm your masculinity by bringing another "chick" in to it when really you are a manramming flamebake who desires all of the Castro to explore your manhole. lets break you down, shall we?
  
   First of all, you are dissatisfied with your woman sexually, which really means you are dissatisfied with her on every level. But you won't break up with her because you have "feelings". Only women and gay men have feelings. There is nothing gay sir about calling up your best buddy and Eiffel towering your woman during Nascar. In fact nothing you did in a three way with another guy would be officially considered gay by the OFFICIAL GAY RULEBOOK 2011 EDITION except kissing and looking him in the eyes. I just looked it up. It's right there between "earring in the right ear" and "watching Twilight movies with your shirt off". You're really afraid that you'll look over at Todd's giant member and swear off women all together. Truly non gay men are so secure in there masculinity that they could DP someone with one of their homies and not feel weird about it. I mean, how is that any more gay than watching football? "Ooh look at all these men tackling each other! I'm so sporty"! I mean, at least there's a vagina involved.
I say, bring your buddy in to the bedroom. everyone have a good time. Then bring another girl in to it and fulfill that fantasy. Everyone wins. Your best friend got laid, you got to have two women at once and you forever have a card to play at any time. Whenever you get sick of the relationship you could either say "I can't believe you fucked my best friend!" and leave, or you can say "I think I'm gay". Which you are. Your straight guise is digital, but you are truly analog because you desire a log up your anus.

Ho bag?

Love Translators,


My girlfriend thinks it's weird that I don't flirt with other girls like she flirts with other guys....is that strange of me? ...or is she a ho-bag?




First of all I'm guessing that you're in the seventh grade because you used the term "Ho bag". She's not a ho bag, just painfully insecure. Which is good. Insecure people are more easily manipulated. Perhaps you can boost her self esteem with some well placed compliments like "you're just built for comfort, baby" or "you're starting to look like your mother". 
   But nothing wins a womans heart like beating the living shit out of any guy that she talks to. She won't think Johnny is so hot anymore when you cave the side of his face in with brass knuckles.
   Ultimately I think that women love the attention they get from flirting, but are usually too naive to realize that this behavior creates stalking and other sort of creepy behavior. Flirting opens up a doorway and gives a man a false impression. Women should be willing to go all the way or nothing at all. Even if you tell a man you've been flirting with innocently, "I have a boyfriend", guys don't care. A wise person told me "just because there's a goalie, doesn't mean you can't score". All men think that they can satisfy you in every way that your lame ass boyfriend can't.  I don't know how many times I've heard this from a girl: "well, I let him talk to me and buy me drinks all night. I don't understand why he tried to follow me to my car and looked me up on facebook and now I had to get a restraining order". You're giving mixed signals. All or nothing.
   Men have been mistakenly led to believe through romantic comedies that persistence pays off. This is bullshit. Guys, you should turn right around and walk the fuck away at the first sign of disinterest. Flirting and letting you buy them drinks is not necessarily a sign of interest. They are most likely just using your poor ass to feel better about themselves and to have a cheap bar tab. Try this fellas. Ask a woman "would you like me to buy you a drink?" And when she says yes, say "I'm sure you would you gold digging water buffalo". Women love a man with self confidence, and this screams self confidence. 


I suggest you lay down an ultimatum, Mr. Ho Bag because women also love ultimatums. Stop acting like a whore or I'm out the door. Say it in a rhyme like that. Women love poetry. Also, I would suggest that you start laying the groundwork for your next girlfriend. Start shopping around because your days in this particular relationship are numbered. If she doesn't think that you hung the moon and only has eyes for you, then you should tell her to eat a bucket of dicks.

Well dick-weed, it sounds like your girlfriend is a ho-bag. Then again octopus-cock, she might just be a knob-gobbler. Or perhaps she is a garbage-pussy-dumpster-whore. Or a labia-labradoodle-strumpet-trumpet. Maybe we should stick with "slut" like grown-ups. Flirting is great fun and can, in certain situations, lead to fellatio so I support it. For single people that is. For those of us in realtionships flirting should be kept at a minimum. Flirting is three drinks away from penetration so it is easy to see how things could get out of hand. Now, the average woman thinks about cock 948,613 times in any given day. That's slightly over 10 times per-second for 24 hours. Obviously it is slightly less when they are sleeping and much greater when taking a shit or looking at a banana (at least that's what grandma always said) but you get the idea. A woman's mind is occupied by 87% dick, 10% shoe shopping, and 3% Sex and the City. Sounds to me like your like your woman is operating in the 95 percentile!!!! Have you tried reminding her that overly flirtatious people often wind up headless and violated in a ditch with DNA running out of every hole in their body? Or that if she did fuck around and cheat on you then no one would ever find her body. Because they wouldn't you know, I'm looking at you. Yes you. Don't look around like you don't know we're having this conversation because we are. I've got 24 cameras hidden in your house, car, and workplace so there is nowhere you can go that I won't know about. Remember how Tuesday night your friend came over and I left the room to get some fritos and you told your friend that you didn't like how our relationship was going and Johnny from work was really nice and cute. "How did you know I said that?" Because I see all and hear all bitch. Don't you ever fucking leave me or I swear to god I will burn you with a blow torch until you love me again. Sorry about that, just a little problem I had to address. You should bring some random girl home one night, bend her over a stack of "barely legal" magazines and wait for your girlfriend to get home. Try to do this when you know she has worked a double or one of her best friends has just died for maximum effect. When she walks in start furiously pumping away (I suggest 120 pumps-per-minute or PPM) and screaming "I took your advice and started flirting more, particularly with this prostitute! You were right flirting is fun! Yayyyyyyyyy flirting!!!" I know that seems like a lot to say but accuracy is key here. Then if she starts crying or screaming at you take the dagger of Sorlac and ram it directly in her fucking heart. Because everyone knows that is the only way to kill an 18th level succubus of Golgarion. Which is obviously what your smegma-eggplant-sauce-jumbo-jambajuice-flavor-frozen-testicle-popsicle-catholisism-magnum-scarlet-creature-woman is. Happy flirting and I'm watching you read this. Don't forget that I'm always watching.  

First Date.

Love Translators,
        I have a big date this weekend and I was wondering how I should know when a good time to kiss her for the first time?



             This is so sweet. I love watching the younger generations find out about love and relationships. Alright buddy, here's the deal, it's been a long time since I was at that stage of my life so I may be a little rusty. I'm pretty sure that the kiss comes sometime around the scene in Jurassic Park where the T-Rex is chasing the Jeep. Wait a minute. The fingering usually starts during the velociraptor thing. Which one is second base? Is that dry-humping or is it over-the-bra-yet-under-the-shirt? I don't know kid, it's before the fingering but after that one dinosaur spits in the fat guy's face. See, that's what I would have said to a kid, but you are obviously a pathetic, inept, grown-ass-man. How do you know a good time to kiss her? How about this, when you come out of your drunken stupor with your dick in her mouth. That's a good sign. Who fucking dates any more? Memphians specialize in a first date called the "go home from a bar and fuck" date. Here's how it works: First, you go to a bar. Second: you drink in between six to ten beers. (Less than six and you are not your usual awesome self, more than ten and you are a little drunk and desperate)Third: start talking to a chick about anything, preferably a drunk-ish chick. Fourth: at about 2:30 in the morning say "you want to go watch a movie or something." Fifth: fuck her. Somewhere in between step three and five there might be a first kiss in there or not, who cares. This is what passes for a date these days. When I think about it, i have no clue what it would be like to go on a date. "So, what do you do?" "Do you perhaps enjoy the musical stylings of Slayer?" "What are your feelings on the age-old art of fellatio?" Really, it's 2011. Unless you are a church going teenage pussy the act of dating is gone and fucking gone and gone some fucking more. So, how should you know when to kiss her? When you wake up in the morning hung-over as ballcrap, give her a kiss on the cheek right before you say "thank you for that vagina ride." If I were you sir, I would stock up on porn and video games because just asking this question proves that you are fucked in all the wrong ways. Have fun at the methodist singles night dickfart.          

   I would say after the sausage and onion pizza, but before she throws it up along with all the Zimas you've been funneling down her throat. So what mall did your mom drop you guys off at? I would steer clear of the Southland mall and Raleigh Springs. The Mall of Memphis is a big field now, but you can have a picnic there if you enjoy eating on corpses. Dating is a lost art. Here's a little film that may help.

I remember my first date. Big Charlene was 16 and I was 12...come to think of it, this may be considered statutory rape, but that's the sexy kind right? She just layed there like a lifeless beached whale and made me do all the work. It was a horrible experience and scared me away from having sex for two whole weeks! Nowadays, two weeks without sex is officially a drought.
Preparation for a date is the tricky part. First, find out if she has any communicable diseases. Usually asking "are you clean?" is the only sure fire way to know for sure. Make sure you trim your pubes with your mom's gardening shears....you don't want to give those pesky crabs a place to party. Make sure you powder your balls with Gold Bond. Not only does it make them smell fresh, but it feels like a thousand angels giving you kisses down there. Make sure you have enough money. You can impress her by allowing her to order anything off the dollar menu! Make sure you take a fat dump BEFORE you shower in preparation for your date. You don't want to have gas and have them farts rolling off a loaf and it all just baking in your pants. This is not sexy. Make sure you bring plenty of condoms! You don't want your second date to be the abortion clinic.
   I recommend kissing within the first 20 seconds of the date. That way you don't have to do all that "talking" and stuff. Hope this helps!
  

Booby Neglect

Dear Love Translators,

Every time I have sex with my boyfriend he bites and leaves bruises on my left titty...not my right.  This leads me to believe that he is only attracted to my left titty and feels my right one is ugly and not worthy of his attention.  My left one is technically "the bigger titty" however this leaves ugly and uneven bruises.  Please give me some advice on how to make both of my titties attractive to him or keep him from biting just the left.

Signed,

Under-appreciated Righty

I suppose you're just laying there like a dead fish trying to use some sort of Jedi mind trick to guide his mouth over you neglected mammary, huh? Well it's time to get pro active. Smack him right across the face with that under used titty. That's right, mercilessly beat him about the face and body with your breasts to teach him a lesson. Take charge and force that titty into his mouth for being such a naughty boyfriend. Naughty naughty neglectful boyfriend!

   You see, it's not his fault. Most of us just get so caught up in the heat of passion. we're so engrossed in the wonderfulness of this titty in our mouths that we forget that God has blessed us doubly with another one right next to it! I'm gonna put 'em both in my mouth! Motorboat! Motorboat!!!!! Thank you Jesus for your infinite love and wisdom! You hath made all things good!

Oh my god, your right titty? What kind of sick, malevolent tramp are you. Every one knows that the right titty is the forbidden titty. It's worse than homosexuality or democrats in the eyes of the lord. You see, years ago in the garden of Eden (this is all in the Bible, the blu-ray collectors edition) Eve was doing this wicked dirty pole dance for Adam. Gettin' all vertical and shit. When lo' the angel of the lord spoke and said "make it rain bitch, earn this shit." Thus Eve began to earn that shit. Gettin' all crazy and flexible, crawlin' on the floor like a dog. Things got heavy and Eve put her RIGHT titty in the angel's mouth. This was right when god walked in. Understandably, he was totally pissed. So it was decreed, "Thou shalt not suckle on the right titty, henceforth know as boobiticus satanicus (the devil's booby, it's Latin, look it up). Also during the middle ages, men realized that when standing in front of a woman, face to face, the hand naturally grabs the LEFT titty causing men to believe it was chivalric destiny to only squeeze the left titty. During the Salem witch trails people who were left handed were thought to be possessed by the devil. What titty does a left handed man naturally grab? THE RIGHT TITTY!! DEVIL TITTY!!! Remember the superbowl a few years ago when Janet Jackson showed her titty and the FCC got all bat shit and the country went nuts? Right titty. The left titty is the sacred titty of text and is to be given all the glory of the Earth and tweaked, and squeezed, and lovingly caressed, and made to feel loved. The right titty is a demon straight from hell and is to be punished. I like to pinch the shit out of it. So why would you even ask for advice on something so horrible. It's like asking someone how to best kill their wife (a light saber) or how one should commit suicide (those fences at the bear thing at the zoo aren't that hard to get over, you gotta want it) so I am sure that your husband will love whatever you get him for his birthday, especially if it ends in "lowjob." Good luck.